38:52 Blythe: Okay, Jackson, we've covered a lot of ground here, and I think our listeners are probably wondering, "This all sounds great in theory, but what do I actually do if I'm considering reconciliation with my ex-spouse?" Let's get practical.
5:36 Jackson: Absolutely. Let's break this down into concrete steps that someone could actually follow. First, and this might sound counterintuitive, you need to start by working on yourself independently. Before you can successfully reconcile with someone else, you need to be emotionally healthy and stable on your own.
39:23 Blythe: So we're talking about individual therapy, self-reflection, maybe developing new hobbies or friendships? Basically becoming a whole, complete person who doesn't need a relationship to feel okay about themselves?
6:37 Jackson: Exactly. And this includes addressing any personal issues that contributed to the original relationship problems. If you struggled with depression, anxiety, addiction, or unhealthy communication patterns, those need to be actively addressed before you can be a good partner to anyone.
4:56 Blythe: That makes sense. You can't expect your ex-spouse to trust that things will be different if you haven't actually done the work to change the underlying issues. So what's step two?
40:02 Jackson: Step two is having honest conversations with your ex-spouse about what you've each learned and how you've grown. But these conversations need to be low-pressure and exploratory, not attempts to convince each other to get back together.
40:15 Blythe: So it's more like, "I've been thinking about our relationship and I've realized some things about myself that I'd like to share," rather than, "I've changed, so let's get back together"?
6:37 Jackson: Exactly. And you need to be genuinely interested in hearing about their growth and insights too, not just focused on sharing your own. These conversations should feel like mutual exploration, not one person trying to sell the other on reconciliation.
40:40 Blythe: And I imagine timing is really important here. Like, you probably shouldn't have these conversations right after a particularly lonely weekend or during a major life crisis when your judgment might be clouded.
40:54 Jackson: Great point. You want to be in a stable emotional place when you're exploring the possibility of reconciliation. If you're reaching out because you're feeling desperate or lonely, that's probably not the right time to make major relationship decisions.
41:06 Blythe: Okay, so let's say those initial conversations go well and you both seem interested in exploring reconciliation. What's step three?
41:14 Jackson: Step three is establishing clear boundaries and expectations for the exploration process. This includes things like how often you'll communicate, what kinds of activities you'll do together, and how you'll handle it if one person wants to slow down or stop the process.
41:29 Blythe: So you're basically creating a structure for dating your ex-spouse. That's kind of wild when you think about it, but it makes sense. You need guardrails to prevent things from moving too fast or getting too intense too quickly.
41:42 Jackson: Right, and part of this is agreeing on what success looks like and what would indicate that reconciliation isn't working. You don't want to get months into the process and realize you have completely different ideas about what you're working toward.
37:45 Blythe: That's such a good point. Like, one person might be thinking, "We're working toward getting remarried," while the other person is thinking, "We're just seeing if we can be friends." Those are very different goals.
6:37 Jackson: Exactly. And step four is probably the most challenging—actually spending time together in various contexts to see how you interact as the people you've become. This isn't just romantic dinners; it's handling everyday stresses, interacting with extended family, making decisions together.
42:23 Blythe: So you're testing whether your new communication skills and personal growth hold up under real-world conditions. Because it's easy to be your best self during a carefully planned coffee date, but what happens when you're both tired and stressed and dealing with actual problems?
14:31 Jackson: Right. And this is where the gradual approach becomes so important. Maybe you start with occasional coffee dates, then progress to attending a family event together, then try taking a weekend trip, and eventually maybe spending a few nights a week at each other's homes.
42:56 Blythe: It's like a relationship ladder where you gradually increase the level of commitment and intimacy as you build evidence that the new dynamic is working. But what if you hit a snag during this process?
43:09 Jackson: That brings us to step five—having a plan for handling setbacks and conflicts. Because they will happen. The question is whether you can navigate them using your new skills and insights, or whether you fall back into old patterns.
43:22 Blythe: So you need to establish ahead of time how you'll handle disagreements, what you'll do if someone feels triggered by old hurts, and how you'll communicate about problems before they become major conflicts.
6:37 Jackson: Exactly. And this might include things like agreeing to take breaks during heated discussions, committing to using "I" statements instead of blame language, or having a plan for seeking professional help if you get stuck.
43:46 Blythe: Speaking of professional help, I imagine having a therapist or counselor involved in this process would be really valuable, especially if there are kids involved.
5:36 Jackson: Absolutely. Step six is getting professional support, whether that's individual therapy, couples counseling, or family therapy. An objective third party can help you navigate challenges and provide tools for building a healthier relationship.
44:09 Blythe: And I suppose they can also help you recognize if the reconciliation isn't working and needs to be ended before more damage is done to everyone involved.
44:18 Jackson: That's such an important point. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is recognize that reconciliation isn't working and end the process gracefully while preserving whatever positive changes you've made in your co-parenting or friendship.
44:31 Blythe: So the final step might be having the courage to either fully commit to the new relationship if it's working, or to let it go if it's not, rather than staying in limbo indefinitely.
6:37 Jackson: Exactly. At some point, you need to make a decision about whether to move forward with full reconciliation or to maintain whatever positive relationship you've built without the romantic component. Staying in the exploration phase indefinitely isn't fair to anyone involved, especially if there are children watching and wondering what's going to happen to their family.