Women, Men and the Whole Damn Thing: Essays on Sex, Gender and Identity

Summary of Women, Men and the Whole Damn Thing

1. 1

   When Silence Finally Broke

   

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   A father's daughter tells him, "Dad, we don't want to hear from you right now." Most men would have walked away. But that moment of rejection became the catalyst for a profound journey into the darkest corners of gender relations. What emerged was an unflinching examination of a question we've been too afraid to ask: Why do men hate women? The timing couldn't have been more urgent. As the #MeToo movement exploded across social media, as women's stories flooded timelines and toppled powerful men, the world was forced to confront an uncomfortable truth-violence against women isn't an aberration. It's woven into the fabric of civilization itself. This isn't just about Harvey Weinstein or workplace harassment. It's about understanding how we arrived at a moment where one billion women will be raped or beaten in their lifetime, where a woman is killed by her partner every week, where the hatred of women has thrived across millennia, connecting Aristotle with Jack the Ripper, King Lear with James Bond.

2. 2

   The Sacred Feminine Erased

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   Ancient Mesopotamia celebrated Inanna's "lap of honey," where the vulva was sacred. From Isis in Egypt to Sarasvati in India, goddesses invented agriculture, medicine, and written language. Women weren't property-they were powerful, autonomous, sexually free. Around 2400 BCE, everything changed. Indo-European invasions brought worship of the "God Father," and agriculture transformed women from central figures in foraging societies to possessions alongside livestock. Judaism codified this into divine law. Genesis established man's dominion over woman. Boys were worth five shekels, girls three-the original gender pay gap, blessed by God himself. Christian theologians amplified this with shocking enthusiasm. Tertullian called the vagina "the Devil's gateway." Thomas Aquinas declared woman an "incomplete man." St. Augustine deemed her "a beast neither firm nor stable." For centuries, Western civilization's greatest minds devoted themselves to proving women's inferiority was divinely ordained. Before agriculture, women had equal access to resources and sexual freedom. Many hunter-gatherer societies practiced "partible paternity"-multiple men could father a child, strengthening social bonds. Women's sexual repression emerged with settlement and property ownership, when ensuring paternity became crucial for inheritance. The silencing of female sexuality wasn't destiny-it was a choice, repeated until it felt like truth.

3. 3

   The Continuum of Violence

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   One billion women raped or beaten in their lifetime-just reported cases. In Australia, over 1.2 million women have experienced sexual violence since age fifteen, with one woman killed weekly by a partner. An estimated 80% of sexual assaults go unreported, meaning true numbers are incomprehensibly higher. But violence isn't just physical. It's the 90% of women who've experienced catcalling or unwanted advances by age seventeen. It's the derogatory language that makes "cunt" the ultimate expression of contempt. It's revenge porn, where intimacy becomes a weapon. It's the 130 million women who've endured genital mutilation, the thousands facing acid attacks in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Consider Du'a Khalil Aswad, stoned to death by a thousand men in Iraq while they recorded videos-ancient brutality amplified by modern technology. What makes misogyny unique is how hatred coexists with desire. Men are taught to want women while simultaneously devaluing them, creating a paradox that manifests everywhere-from the virgin-whore dichotomy to cases like Saxon Mullins, whose alleged rape sparked national debate about consent laws. The spectrum connects everyday sexism to its most extreme manifestations: dismissive comments in boardrooms share ideological DNA with femicide.

4. Chapter 4

   When Women Said Enough

   The movement began in 2006 with Tarana Burke, a Selma community worker helping marginalized young women who'd experienced sexual violence. Burke was haunted by shutting down a thirteen-year-old girl she calls "Heaven" who tried to confide about being molested. What kept replaying: "This happened to me too." When Alyssa Milano tweeted #MeToo in October 2017, nearly a million people responded within 48 hours. Twelve million Facebook interactions followed within a day. The power wasn't just the numbers-it was women realizing they weren't alone. Testimonies flooded everywhere. Latina farmworkers wrote solidarity letters to Hollywood women. USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar received up to 175 years for abusing over 150 women and girls. Australian broadcaster Tracey Spicer received allegations from over 500 women naming 65 men. But #MeToo was never just about sexual violence-that was merely the tip. It addressed deep-rooted inequalities: women being respected and heard, equal pay, power dynamics, structural discrimination. It exposed modern culture's contradiction: we commodify women's bodies while punishing women for inhabiting them.

   Chapter 5

   The Grey Zone Where Most Women Live

   January 2018: comedian Aziz Ansari's reputation imploded when "Grace" described their date as "the worst night of my life." After dinner, Ansari repeatedly made aggressive sexual advances despite her verbal and non-verbal cues of discomfort. The story exposed an experience most women carry - nights of not saying no, or saying no and not being heeded. Zainab Salbi, founder of Women for Women International, concluded the Ansari case represented "80 percent of power" dynamics women face. The difference between her 48-year-old self and 23-year-old self wasn't that men's behavior changed - it's that she developed thicker skin and confidence. One young woman shared: "I got drunk with this guy I had been kissing, we went to bed and he hopped on top of me and took my virginity. There was no conversation. No consent." The #MeToo movement finally allowed her to acknowledge being taken advantage of. Kristen Roupenian's "Cat Person" became the New Yorker's most widely read online fiction, capturing modern dating's disenchantments. Like the Ansari case, it raised complex questions about consent, male entitlement, and women's difficulty verbalizing discomfort. The grey zone isn't comfortable - but it's where most of us actually live.

   Chapter 6

   The Prison Men Built for Themselves

   Boys learn early: suppress emotions, show no vulnerability, never cry. Tony Porter calls this the "man box"-be tough, strong, emotionless except for anger. Porter recalls treating his young children differently regarding emotional expression, realizing he was recreating his father's patterns. His father apologized for crying at his son's funeral while praising Porter for not crying. Express love for a girlfriend in school and face ridicule: "How gay are you?" The irony? Those mocking likely longed for love themselves. Psychotherapist Steve Biddulph calls it "father hunger"-the sorrow for lost connection with older males. In his workshops, only 10% of men report deep relationships with their fathers. The consequences are devastating: men are three times more likely to commit suicide, lag behind girls in school retention and literacy, and experience higher rates of drug overdoses, road trauma, and workplace fatalities. Men live six years less than women. Historical trauma shaped this silence. War became a defining element of masculinity, with boys raised as "soldiers of empire" taught not to cry. While emotional suppression serves purpose in combat, it becomes destructive when lifelong. The man box doesn't just harm women-it's killing men, too.

   Chapter 7

   The Revolution Starts With Conversation

   Violence against women may begin with men's repression of their own feminine qualities-the inner world where relationships and connection reside. Men operate almost exclusively in the external world, severing their internal life from their external one. "Men are actually terrified of women because they're terrified of themselves," explains Jungian psychotherapist Dr. Peter O'Connor. But change is emerging. Young men celebrate empowered women. Singer Jimmy Barnes redefines manhood through vulnerability. Actor Benedict Cumberbatch refuses roles where female co-stars are paid less. From Iceland's progressive men who embrace feminism as "just a matter of being decent" to Rwanda's MenCare programs teaching nonviolent communication, men are challenging toxic masculinity. New Zealand's Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern exemplifies a different approach-leading while pregnant, legislating domestic violence leave, addressing homelessness. Her leadership demonstrates power through cooperation rather than domination. After Jyoti Singh's brutal gang rape in India, filmmaker Leslee Udwin launched Think Equal, teaching empathy to children aged 3-6. As Ardern said at the UN: "Me Too must become We Too." The revolution will be won through new conversations, new role models, and recognizing that neither gender can triumph without the other.

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