What is Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them about?

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward explores the psychology of emotionally abusive relationships where women are trapped with controlling, misogynistic partners. The book examines why women stay in these toxic dynamics, identifying patterns of psychological manipulation, control, and the emotional hooks that keep them attached. Forward provides practical guidance for recognizing abuse and breaking free from destructive relationship patterns.

Who should read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them?

This book is essential for women who feel controlled, criticized, or emotionally manipulated by their partners, as well as those walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. It's valuable for anyone seeking to understand toxic relationship dynamics, including therapists, family members supporting someone in an abusive relationship, and mothers raising sons. The book also helps women recognize patterns from past relationships to avoid repeating them.

Is Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them worth reading?

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them is widely regarded as a groundbreaking self-help guide that approaches toxic relationships with compassion rather than blame. Readers praise Forward's practical, non-preachy approach that empowers women without inducing shame or male-bashing. The book provides concrete tools for understanding manipulation, healing from emotional abuse, and rebuilding self-respect, making it a transformative resource for breaking destructive relationship cycles.

Who is Dr. Susan Forward and why did she write this book?

Dr. Susan Forward is one of America's leading therapists, bestselling author, and former host of a nationally syndicated ABC Talk Radio program. She wrote Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them to help women understand the psychology behind emotionally abusive relationships and provide practical tools for healing. Forward draws on extensive case histories from her private practice and experience as a therapist, instructor, and consultant for psychiatric facilities throughout Southern California.

What are the emotional hooks in Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them?

Susan Forward identifies four primary emotional hooks that trap women in misogynistic relationships: - the **love hook**, where intense feelings blind women to abuse - the **fear hook**, involving anxiety about losing the partner or facing violence - the **hope hook**, believing the partner will change - the **dependency hook**, where women feel unable to survive alone These hooks work together to create powerful psychological bonds that make leaving extremely difficult, even when women recognize the abuse.

How does Susan Forward define misogyny in Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them?

In Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, Susan Forward defines misogyny as psychological abuse where men use words, moods, and control tactics to undermine women—damage as severe as physical violence. Misogynists do not see women as equals but seek dominance and control over every aspect of their partner's life. Forward emphasizes that true misogynists need to control women, distinguishing them from men who are simply moody, noncommunicative, or argumentative.

What are the key takeaways from Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them?

The key takeaways emphasize that **recognizing patterns of manipulation is crucial for identifying abuse**, and understanding the cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement helps explain why women stay. Forward stresses that **women tolerate mistreatment due to childhood conditioning, self-doubt, and cultural expectations**. Most importantly, healing requires unlearning toxic beliefs about love and recognizing that **women deserve mutual, respectful relationships—not relationships where they sacrifice themselves or fix broken men**.

Why do women stay in relationships with misogynistic men according to Susan Forward?

Susan Forward explains that women stay with misogynistic men primarily because of **damaged self-image and negative views of themselves**, often stemming from childhood abuse or emotionally unavailable parents. Women from high-drama families grow up believing fighting and chaos are normal in relationships. Additionally, Forward describes a psychological drive to "repeat the familiar" while simultaneously trying to "make it come out better," creating a trap where women unconsciously seek partners who replicate childhood wounds.

Men who hate women & the women who love them

Susan Forward

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Overview of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Susan Forward's #1 bestseller exposes toxic relationship patterns that critics dismissed but readers called "life-saving." This groundbreaking work launched a media empire, sparked a TV adaptation featuring Bryan Cranston, and revolutionized how we understand emotional abuse. What's keeping you trapped?

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Chapter 1

When Love Turns to Control: The Dangerous Dance of Misogyny

Susan Forward's groundbreaking work has transformed countless lives since its publication, becoming a cultural touchstone for understanding toxic relationships. Oprah Winfrey once called it "the book that saved my sanity," while celebrities from Lady Gaga to Reese Witherspoon have cited its influence on their understanding of healthy partnerships. What makes this work so powerful is not just its clinical insights, but its compassionate approach to a painful reality many women experience: falling deeply in love with men who, beneath their charming exteriors, harbor profound contempt for women. This pattern repeats across socioeconomic backgrounds, education levels, and cultures-women who are successful in every other aspect of their lives find themselves trapped in relationships that slowly erode their sense of self. Forward's work continues to resonate decades later because these dynamics haven't disappeared-they've simply evolved alongside our changing social landscape.

Chapter 2

The Most Romantic Man in the World: How Misogynistic Relationships Begin

The most bewildering aspect of misogynistic relationships is how wonderfully they often begin. Like Rosalind with Jim, Laura with Bob, and Jackie with Mark, women describe being swept off their feet by men who initially seem extraordinarily attentive, romantic, and committed. These relationships don't start with red flags but with intoxicating romance-the kind that produces actual chemical changes in the body, creating a euphoric glow that feels transformative. Our culture reinforces this narrative through countless movies, songs, and stories that portray romantic love as a magical force capable of making women whole and happy. We're taught that finding "the one" will complete us. Paradoxically, even the most destructive relationships begin with this same excitement and expectation. What makes these beginnings particularly dangerous is their whirlwind pace. The relationship accelerates at breakneck speed, creating an underlying sense of danger that actually enhances the excitement-similar to the thrill of galloping on horseback or riding a roller-coaster. Once sexual intimacy enters the equation, the emotional intensity accelerates further. This rapid pace prevents the normal progression of discovery between partners. There simply isn't enough time to develop the openness, trust, and honesty needed for a solid relationship. The result is pseudo-intimacy-an illusion of closeness that masks the absence of genuine understanding. During this phase, both partners wear what Forward calls "romantic blinders." Seeing someone realistically requires time to recognize both virtues and shortcomings, but in whirlwind courtships, powerful emotions overwhelm perception. Anything contradicting the "ideal" image gets blocked out. Partners focus intensely on feelings rather than reality, following the flawed logic: "since he makes me feel wonderful, he must be wonderful." This desperate rush often reflects an underlying need to "fuse" with the other person. Their separate identities become secondary as they begin feeling each other's emotions, with work and friendships falling away. This fusion creates a powerful bond that makes later separation extremely difficult. Many misogynistic relationships also feature a "rescuing" dynamic that creates a powerful emotional hook. Jackie felt maternal excitement believing she would transform Mark through her love, despite his unemployment at 38. Rosalind quickly began supporting Jim and his teenage children, basking in his gratitude that "proved" he cared. There's a critical difference between helping (occasional assistance to a normally self-sufficient partner) and rescuing (repetitive support of someone with patterns of instability who blames others for failures). While not all misogynists need rescuing-successful ones often demand their partners be dependent on them-those with instability patterns send distress signals that many capable women rush to answer, only to be pulled under themselves.

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Chapter 3

The End of the Honeymoon: When Prince Charming Reveals His Dark Side

The first warning that Prince Charming has a dark side typically emerges during a seemingly insignificant incident when his charm suddenly transforms into rage and unreasonable character attacks. For Laura, this occurred on Christmas Eve when Bob flew into a rage because she wanted to finish wrapping presents before joining him in bed, calling her a "selfish bitch" and slamming the door violently. Rather than recognizing this as a warning sign, women typically rationalize it away as an anomaly caused by external stressors. Rationalization is the mental process of smoothing over insights that interfere with good feelings, making the unacceptable seem acceptable. Unlike blindness, rationalization acknowledges troubling behavior but relabels it with "good reasons." If misogynists were consistently angry, women's rationalizations would quickly wear thin. Instead, they switch between charm and rage unpredictably, creating an emotional seesaw that keeps women confused and anxious. The loving behavior between outbursts convinces women that the "real" man is the kind one, while the angry side is just temporary. This pattern resembles gambling addiction-the intermittent reward of good behavior keeps women hoping and "playing" despite the anxiety. When experiencing this Jekyll and Hyde behavior, women often conclude: "If he has the capacity to be so wonderful, then it must be something I am doing that's making things go wrong." The misogynist reinforces this by claiming he would always be nice if only she would change. This dangerous thinking represents a significant regression-from recognizing troublesome behavior to justifying it to internalizing responsibility for it. When the honeymoon phase ends, both partners experience disillusionment. The misogynist, having idealized his partner initially, inevitably feels disappointed when she reveals normal human flaws. Mark's declaration that Jackie was "perfect without a flaw" wasn't recognizing her humanity but deifying her-setting impossible standards she could never maintain. This unrealistic idealization creates the foundation for his later disappointment and criticism. The misogynist holds several impossible expectations of his partner: 1. She must be perfect at all times, with minor infractions treated as federal crimes. 2. She must read his mind, anticipating his every need without communication. 3. She must be an endless source of nurturing, adoration, and approval, like "an ever-flowing breast." 4. She must never show vulnerability or weakness, maintaining unwavering strength. When she inevitably fails to meet these impossible standards, he feels justified in withdrawing love and beginning his campaign of criticism.

Chapter 4

How He Gains Control: Weapons of Psychological Warfare

When the misogynist first attacks his partner's self-respect, he's testing boundaries. If she doesn't resist, she unwittingly gives permission for continued abuse. The relationship forms around both spoken and unspoken contracts. While openly declaring love, the deeper, unspoken agreement binds more powerfully: she promises compliance and self-sacrifice for emotional security through his love, while he requires total control for his own security. Unlike normal relationships where power struggles can be negotiated with respect, the misogynistic relationship becomes a battlefield where he must win and she must lose. The misogynist needs to control his partner's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and associations. Even successful women quickly surrender their power to gain his approval. The misogynist employs various intimidation tactics to make his partner feel inadequate. His arsenal includes direct attacks like yelling, threatening, temper tantrums, and constant criticism. Implied threats of physical harm prove particularly effective, as with Nate who destroyed Lorraine's clothes when she returned late from the movies. Not all assaults are overtly violent. Many involve shouting that creates an atmosphere of tremendous tension through volume and intensity of rage. Some misogynists wear down their partners through unrelenting criticism rather than overt cruelty. This insidious psychological abuse often masquerades as "helping" the woman become better. Paula's psychologist husband Gerry constantly belittled her appearance and character despite her impeccable taste. These "Professor Henry Higgins" types are often in prestigious advisory professions like medicine, law, or psychology, lending credibility to their criticism. Beyond obvious psychological abuse lie subtle manipulative techniques that erode a woman's ability to think clearly. Named after the film "Gaslight" where Charles Boyer methodically undermines Ingrid Bergman's sanity, these techniques make women doubt their own perceptions. Through denial, he convinces his partner incidents never happened, creating a sense of desperate frustration since problems can't be resolved with someone who denies reality. Rather than outright denial, some misogynists reshape episodes to fit their version of events. Like in Orwell's "1984," facts become malleable, shaped to justify the misogynist's moods or needs. Misogynists also contend their bad behavior is merely a response to their partner's deficiencies or provocations. By shifting blame, they avoid acknowledging their shortcomings while convincing women that character flaws are the real source of relationship problems. The misogynist demands his partner give up her right to react to his abuse. When women like Nancy cry or show distress, their partners respond with even more anger, twisting the situation to make themselves the victim. They deflect responsibility with phrases like "You're too sensitive" or "You can't take criticism," forcing women to repress normal feelings. Perhaps most insidiously, the misogynist systematically narrows his partner's world. This control tactic often begins subtly, even appearing as flattery-the partner expressing how much he misses you during brief separations. But this "devotion" quickly transforms into possessiveness over many aspects of your life. The control may be direct (demands to give up activities) or indirect (making life so miserable you abandon them for peace), but the result is the same: a seriously limited world.

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Chapter 5

Where He Gains Control: Battlegrounds for Power

The specific problems that bring women to therapy-like the millionaire's wife seeking help for an unpaid dental bill-are often just symptoms of deeper relationship troubles. Issues around money, sex, career instability, and children frequently mask more fundamental control dynamics. While all sexual relationships naturally evolve beyond the honeymoon period, the misogynist transforms the bedroom into a battleground for power and control. Without negotiation and sensitivity to discuss desires openly, sexual intimacy deteriorates. Women, often conditioned to tie their self-worth to sexual desirability, become particularly vulnerable to the misogynist's criticism. Misogynists dictate when and how sex occurs, prioritizing only their needs. Many women report sex becoming mechanical, with foreplay disappearing after the relationship's early stages. When Nancy tried explaining her needs to Jim, he responded with sulking and accusations, calling her desires "disgusting" and leaving the room. Women face impossible double-binds: withdrawal makes them "frigid" or "cold," while initiation labels them "demanding" or "too aggressive." Some misogynists express hostility through sexual brutality. Jeff hurt Nancy during an intimate moment, then astonishingly blamed her, demanding to know how she would "make it up to him." Others make constant sexual demands, exhausting their partners with expectations of sex multiple times daily. Laura initially enjoyed intimacy with Bob, but his relentless demands turned sex into an obligation. The greater the contrast between a misogynist's bedroom behavior and his everyday treatment, the more confusing the relationship becomes for his partner. When sex is the one arena where abuse is absent, women often question: "If he wants me so much, can anything really be wrong between us?" Money management often reveals the power dynamics in a relationship. Misogynists come in two financial types: the "good provider" who's financially stable but controlling, and the "tragic hero" who's financially chaotic but blames others. The "good provider" operates on the principle: "I'm working hard and bringing home the money, therefore I'm the boss and what I say goes." The "tragic hero" sees himself as honorable while orchestrating his own financial disasters. He expects someone-invariably the woman who loves him-to catch him when he falls. The misogynist must control your thoughts, opinions, feelings, and behavior to feel safe. He only welcomes friends who support his self-image, using various tactics to constrict your social world. He sees your family as an even greater threat than friends, fearing strong emotional connections might dilute his control. The misogynist views children as powerful rivals for your affection. His belief that he can act however he chooses in his home allows him to use children in his quest for control-he gets to be the Number-One Kid. Most women are sensitive about their mothering abilities, making this a vulnerable target. When the misogynist feels betrayed by your attention to children, he attacks your adequacy as a mother-though maternal competence is rarely the real issue. Children in misogynistic households experience tremendous rage, tension, and frustration. They express these feelings through psychosomatic complaints, school difficulties, depression, bedwetting, and nightmares. Without witnessing adults treating each other with compassion or respect, these children likely reenact the same family dynamics in their own adult relationships.

Chapter 6

What Keeps Women Hooked: The Powerful Forces of Emotional Addiction

Women in abusive relationships often stay because of intense emotional forces that keep them hooked. Some claim they stay because they love their partner or fear leaving, while others don't even recognize the connection between their unhappiness and their partner's behavior. Addictive love functions like any other addiction-there's a compulsive need for the partner, intense suffering when separated, and a "high" that nothing else matches. To get these highs, women tolerate abusive treatment. The more they see their partner as their primary source of good feelings, the more dependent they become. As the misogynist limits their world through jealousy and possessiveness, his importance grows, creating a vicious cycle of increasing dependency. Many women who become emotionally dependent on misogynistic partners are extremely independent in other areas of their lives. Like Rosalind who ran two businesses and supported her family, or Laura who was respected at work but fell to pieces at home, these women may function well professionally while their sense of self-worth remains tied to their partner's assessment. Contrary to expectations, mistreatment often strengthens a woman's bond to her abuser. Nothing bonds a woman to a misogynist more addictively than his swings between love and abuse. Like a slot machine that keeps players hooked with sporadic payouts, the unpredictable nature of when she'll receive love versus abuse keeps her off-balance and engaged. This isn't masochism-she's not seeking pain but frantically trying to avoid being hurt. The misogynist's inconsistent behavior creates a belief in his partner that she must fix whatever is wrong. Women like Nicki believe they can control their partner's moods by doing exactly what he wants. Unfortunately, there is no magic key-the misogynist's outbursts and tenderness generally have little to do with his partner's behavior. He is driven by his own inner demons. Every woman in a misogynistic relationship desperately hopes that something will happen and he will change. She clings to the fantasy that he'll embrace her, apologize for his behavior, and promise things will be different. Women use the smallest rays of light to foster this hope. Fear in misogynistic relationships operates on multiple levels. Beyond survival fears about financial independence and being alone, women experience intense fear from the interaction itself. When a misogynist withdraws his love, his partner experiences profound physical and emotional distress-as Rosalind described, "sheer terror" with symptoms like nausea, trembling, and pounding headaches. While love and fear are strong psychological bonds, the most dangerous hook occurs when a woman begins to believe she's at fault for everything wrong in the relationship. Once she accepts his version of reality-that he is "good" and she is "bad," that her deficiencies cause his blow-ups, and that he's trying to help her become better-she enters a twilight zone of distorted perceptions. Many women in misogynistic relationships experience what psychologists call the Stockholm Syndrome, where hostages develop positive feelings toward their captors as a survival strategy. The woman acts as if her partner owns her freedom, doling it out in bits and pieces as he sees fit. She reinterprets his control as "loving," unconsciously identifying with her oppressor.

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Chapter 7

How Men Learn to Hate Women: The Roots of Misogyny

While the misogynist's behavior is insensitive and abusive, examining the forces that drive him reveals that much of his cruelty covers tremendous anxiety about women. He's caught between needing a woman's love and deeply fearing her. His normal needs for closeness mix with fears that she can emotionally annihilate him, deprive him, engulf him, or abandon him. In healthy families, mothers nurture while fathers help boys pull away from mothers to avoid overdependence. In misogynists' families, this balance is disrupted. The father is either too frightening or too passive, leaving the boy with mother as his universe's center. Rather than meeting her son's nurturing needs, the mother often tries to get her son to meet her needs-through overwhelming demands, rejection, or smothering control. Ed's case illustrates how sons can reenact their fathers' misogynistic patterns. Ed's military-officer father was possessive and overbearing with his timid wife, enforcing rigid gender roles. As the older of two boys, Ed grew up under his father's unquestioned authority, witnessing physical abuse of both his mother and himself. Ed learned that safety came only through parroting his frightening father, promising himself he'd grow up to "scream and yell at everyone" because "that's what men get to do." A woman who submits to abuse behaves more like a helpless child than an adult, relinquishing the entire adult field to her husband. This leaves children with only one grown-up-a scary father-and no protective maternal figure. Ed's mother reversed roles with him, becoming the needy child while expecting him to be the nurturing parent. She would kneel beside him when he was only six or seven, sobbing about his father's cruelty and telling Ed he was "her whole life." When a mother reverses roles with her son, she communicates that he must comfort, protect, and care for her. Whether through martyred silence, explicit dependency statements, illness, depression, or self-destructive behaviors, the message is the same: the boy is responsible for his mother's happiness. By forcing her son into a role he's not equipped to handle, this mother creates deep resentments that later become anger toward women. Boys can become misogynists even without a misogynist father if their mother is dominating and controlling. While victim mothers provide insufficient protection, suffocating mothers provide too much. These mothers control everyone by intruding into their business and convincing them only she knows how to solve problems. Unlike girls who can stay close to mothers while developing identity, boys must pull away to develop healthily. Mark's relationship with his mother was a constant struggle for independence. While his father traveled for work, his mother dominated every aspect of his life: "I couldn't breathe without her telling me how I could do it better if I did it her way." By controlling everything, she prevented Mark from developing mastery over his life or seeing himself as competent. As an adult, he viewed all women as threatening his masculinity, turning relationships into power struggles. When a mother constantly rescues her son from life's frustrations, she teaches him dangerous entitlement. He learns he doesn't need to handle disappointment, someone will always fix his problems, and he deserves a life without irritations. This creates a child who expects immediate gratification and can't cope with setbacks. Just as tyrannical fathers drive sons to their mothers through fear, passive fathers do so through unavailability. The passive father retreats from family conflicts, particularly with his dominating wife, giving his son the message that "men can't stand up to women." Ironically, these men often pursue strong women as adults, then try to weaken them-attempting to win the battle their fathers avoided and prove their masculinity. A mother who terrorizes her son with abuse, coldness, and severe punishment keeps him feeling helpless and afraid. Yet paradoxically, this cruelty doesn't push him away but binds him more desperately to her in search of comfort. Since mother is the first woman in a boy's life, if she's a source of terror, he develops both intense hatred and overwhelming need of women. When a cold, rejecting mother punishes her son for his normal needs, he learns that vulnerability is shameful. Many misogynists use bullying and macho behavior to defend against these unacceptable feelings. Since his own needs feel shameful, he must deny his partner's needs as well-they remind him too painfully of his own vulnerability. Misogynists enter adult relationships with deeply ambivalent feelings about women, transferring their maternal relationships onto their partners. Though chronologically adults, psychologically they remain frightened children. All their controlling behaviors stem from a profound fear of abandonment that must be defended against at all costs.

Chapter 8

How Women Learn to Love Women-Haters: The Legacy of Childhood

Despite determination to do differently, women like Jackie often find themselves repeating their parents' dysfunctional relationship patterns. While conscious attraction focuses on a partner's positive qualities, deeper connections form based on childhood patterns. Families provide not just basic survival needs but our first and most important information about the world. From them we learn how to think and feel about ourselves and what to expect from others. Young children believe their parents have a monopoly on truth, so parental judgments about a child's worth become fact in the child's mind. The common denominator among women with misogynistic partners is a profoundly negative self-image carried from childhood, which predisposes them to accept abuse. Jackie's earliest memories included her father screaming at her mother over trivial matters like an open cupboard door, calling her names and throwing pots while her mother trembled, cried, and silently complied. From her mother's submission, Jackie learned that women must give in to men's aggression and that men can act however they choose. She also learned her mother couldn't protect herself or Jackie. When Lorraine continually accepted Nate's abuse, she communicated that a woman must tolerate anything to hold onto a man. Jackie absorbed deep messages: the world is scary for women without men, women are helpless and dependent on men, men have all the power, and a woman must maintain a relationship at any price-even her dignity and self-worth. Society traditionally reinforces the idea that girls are inferior to boys and need men to take care of them. Media portrayals of men as stronger and smarter than emotional, indecisive women damage girls' self-perception. While boys are praised for achievement and strength, girls are often praised for appearance and manners, and discouraged from mastering life skills-essentially receiving lessons in helplessness. When Jackie was 5, her father suddenly turned his anger on her. After she spilled milk, he erupted in terrifying rage, screaming that she was ruining everything. Because children are completely dependent on parents for survival, their need for parental love is absolute. Paradoxically, when a parent becomes frightening or withdraws love, the child clings more desperately to regain approval. When Jackie's father called her names, she accepted them as true evaluations of herself, not as the outbursts of an angry, critical man. Children believe what their all-powerful parents say because they cannot conceive that parents could be wrong. The parent's negative opinion becomes the fact on which the child bases her self-image. Jackie's dilemma was that her powerful father made her feel wonderful when loving but caused fear, rejection, and confusion when cruel. In her marriage to Mark, she experienced the same pattern of wonderful highs and terrible lows. No matter how she felt, she was expected to give Mark her complete loyalty and devotion, just as she'd been taught to love her father even when mistreated. Any mistreated child experiences tremendous anger. Once when Jackie said something her father didn't like at dinner, he said, "I hope you choke!" She ran crying to her room, thinking, "I hope you die." Her mother made her return and apologize. Jackie was never permitted to express her rage when wounded by her father, forced instead to swallow it. When normal expression channels are blocked, emotions find other manifestations. Women in misogynistic relationships who disown their anger often develop illnesses-suffering becomes their only way to express rage. Jackie boomeranged her anger back onto herself, feeling guilty for having such prohibited emotions and convincing herself she was terrible for having these feelings. Jackie remembered the palpable tension when her father was expected home. While life was relaxed with just her mother and sister, everything changed when they heard his key in the door. The family would scramble to appease him-preparing his drink, slippers, newspaper-anything to prevent an outburst. Children from such households often grow up mistaking uproar and chaos for love, developing an addiction to high drama that masks the destructive aspects of relationships.

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Chapter 9

Madness for Two: The Dysfunctional Dance of Misogynistic Relationships

The misogynistic relationship satisfies neither partner, though the woman suffers most from the tremendous power imbalance. While healthy relationships involve power shifting between partners, in misogynistic relationships, only the man holds power. Both partners learned in childhood to see the world in terms of the powerful and helpless, though they express this differently in adulthood-he through aggression, she through placation. Partners are often drawn to those who express feelings they themselves find uncomfortable. Women attracted to misogynists see men who appear powerful and able to express anger freely. If a woman has been uncomfortable with anger since childhood, she sees the misogynist as someone who can express her angry feelings. Meanwhile, the misogynist, ashamed of his neediness, is attracted to a partner who can express his vulnerable feelings. The misogynist, uncomfortable with vulnerability, gets to experience these emotions secondhand through his partner. By controlling her, he gains mastery over his own inner frightened child. This exchange has two drawbacks: he feels contempt for her "weakness" that mirrors what he hates in himself, and though he makes her too frightened to leave him, her emotional distress may prevent her from meeting his insatiable need for nurturing. Just as the misogynist channels dependency through his partner, she channels anger through his outbursts. Jackie admitted envying Mark's freedom to express rage, though his anger directed at her only added to her repressed childhood anger. With few socially acceptable outlets, Jackie feared her own anger was a bottomless pit that would consume her if released. When normal expression channels are blocked, emotions find other manifestations. Women in misogynistic relationships who disown their anger often develop illnesses-suffering becomes their only way to express rage. Repressed rage becomes a major source of physical stress, wearing the body down over time. Women who redirect anger inward cause themselves internal damage, leading to numerous documented illnesses. Some women cope with relationship stress through addictions-excessive drinking, drug use, heavy smoking, and compulsive eating. These addictions serve a dual purpose: they temporarily deaden pain while intensifying avoidance of the pain's cause. Though representing desperate attempts at psychological survival, addictions ultimately undermine a woman's chances of improving her situation. Despite a woman's attempts to contain her rage through suffering, anger inevitably slips out in subtle yet hostile ways. Some women engage in covert verbal attacks and sniping-comparing their partners unfavorably to other men or mocking sensitive issues. Others express anger through what they don't do: becoming forgetful about important matters, having difficulty making decisions, chronically being late, withholding sexually, or withdrawing into angry silence. The relationship's power imbalance is actually deceptive-the woman has more power than she realizes because her partner is far more dependent on her than she is on him. His need for control makes him rigid, while she, once aware of her strengths, is in a better position to change.

Chapter 10

Finding Yourself Again: Reclaiming Your Life and Power

Every woman who has been in a long-term misogynistic relationship has bartered away parts of herself to keep the peace. You may have abandoned career goals, academic pursuits, or activities your partner disapproved of. You might have let go of important people because your partner felt threatened by them. Now, nothing prevents you from reclaiming these valuable aspects of your life! After ending her destructive relationship with Jim, Rosalind rebuilt not only her failing business but rediscovered her passion for china painting. She converted the shop space previously used for Jim's furniture refinishing into an area for her kiln and drying closet, creating a catalog for her work and displaying pieces in her shop window. A toxic relationship consumes enormous energy, while self-kindness is exhilarating. Carol's marriage to Ben improved dramatically when she insisted on taking classes and getting her degree. Ben discovered that the independent woman she became was far more fascinating than the dependent one he'd tried to create. Many women look to intimate relationships for almost all emotional gratification, narrowing their world and making them vulnerable to mistreatment. Nancy reconnected with friends she'd lost after marrying Jeff and completed a travel-agent course, making her less susceptible to his hostility. Diversifying her life gave her new perspective and confidence that she could leave if necessary. Taking back yourself gives you the chance to reverse negative role modeling that your children may have internalized. No matter how old your children are, once the misogynistic cycle is broken and the mother's behavior changes dramatically, much of what children have learned about gender relations can be altered. Your courage to rebuild your life creates a powerful new role model for children of both genders. When Rosalind returned to therapy after six months, she was panicked about repeating patterns with a new man named Les. During a hiking trip, he had called her a "lazy bitch" when she couldn't keep up, then berated her for "ruining his hike" and being "an old woman." Though Rosalind initially apologized, she caught herself and recognized his mistreatment. This wasn't failure but success-she quickly identified her feelings, recognized the mistreatment, and sought help instead of continuing the relationship pattern. While it's crucial to identify mistreatment, it's equally important not to label every man with whom you're unhappy as a misogynist. Some men may be withholding, noncommunicative, unaffectionate, moody, argumentative or not ready for relationships-but these behaviors alone don't define misogyny. Many wonderful, caring men genuinely like women and value their uniqueness. These men aren't threatened by a woman's intelligence, ambition, or competence because they're secure in their own adequacy. Laura found such a man two years after leaving Bob. In her wedding invitation letter, she wrote about finding a tender, soft-spoken partner who was "twice as exciting as Bob ever was." She discovered she could have a loving relationship without the chaos she'd believed was part of romance. In today's world where rigid gender roles are being rejected, many feel confused about relationship expectations. Women worry about balancing freedom without becoming hard; men about being caring without losing masculinity. Our goal as contemporary women should be to maintain our unique qualities-intuition, comfort with emotions, ability to nurture-while discarding self-denying behaviors. Being a woman no longer means being passive, submissive, or self-denigrating, nor does it require becoming an "honorary man." There's no contradiction between being loving and taking care of yourself. The greatest gift you can give yourself and any partner is your sense of self-worth and expectation of love and good treatment.

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Key Themes in Men who hate women & the women who love them

misogynistic relationship dynamics
emotional abuse cycles
intermittent reinforcement
toxic romantic idealization
coercive control patterns

Quotes from Men who hate women & the women who love them

We're taught that finding 'the one' will complete us.
Rationalization is smoothing over insights that interfere with good feelings.
She must be an endless source of nurturing...like 'an ever-flowing breast.'
The misogynistic relationship becomes a battlefield where he must win and she must lose.
Even successful women quickly surrender their power to gain his approval.

Characters in Men who hate women & the women who love them

Susan ForwardAuthor and therapist who analyzes toxic patterns
RosalindCase study of a woman supporting her partner Jim
LauraCase study of a woman facing her partner's rage
JackieCase study of a woman in a rescuing dynamic

About the Author

Susan Forward, PhD, was the bestselling author of Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, a groundbreaking work that established her as a leading authority on emotionally abusive relationships and women's empowerment. As a licensed clinical social worker and internationally renowned therapist, Forward spent over three decades helping individuals break free from destructive relationship patterns rooted in childhood experiences and codependency.

Beyond her private practice, Forward hosted an ABC Talk Radio show for six years and served as a consultant for Southern California psychiatric facilities. She coined the term "emotional blackmail" and authored several other #1 New York Times bestsellers including Toxic Parents, Emotional Blackmail, and Mothers Who Can't Love. Forward passed away in 2020.

Published in the mid-1980s, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them became a cultural phenomenon, selling millions of copies worldwide and empowering countless readers to recognize toxic relationship dynamics and reclaim their self-worth through Forward's compassionate, action-oriented therapeutic approach.

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See more on how BeFreed is discussed

From Columbia University alumni built in San Francisco

LOVED BY

1,000,000+ curious minds.

4.7

avg rating

1M+ learners

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

See more on how BeFreed is discussed

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Chapter 7

Men who hate women & the women who love them

OverviewOverview of Men who hate women & the women who love them

One book. Many ways to hear it.

When Love Turns to Control: The Dangerous Dance of Misogyny

The Most Romantic Man in the World: How Misogynistic Relationships Begin

See every word as you hear it

The End of the Honeymoon: When Prince Charming Reveals His Dark Side

How He Gains Control: Weapons of Psychological Warfare

Get more out of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Where He Gains Control: Battlegrounds for Power

What Keeps Women Hooked: The Powerful Forces of Emotional Addiction

See every word as you hear it

How Men Learn to Hate Women: The Roots of Misogyny

How Women Learn to Love Women-Haters: The Legacy of Childhood

Get more out of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Madness for Two: The Dysfunctional Dance of Misogynistic Relationships

Finding Yourself Again: Reclaiming Your Life and Power

You made it to the end of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Key Themes in Men who hate women & the women who love them

Quotes from Men who hate women & the women who love them

Characters in Men who hate women & the women who love them

About the Author

Download Summary of Men who hate women & the women who love them

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FAQs About This Book

What is Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them about?

Who should read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them?

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Who is Dr. Susan Forward and why did she write this book?

Part of a Learning Plan

Leave draining relationship at 23

Discover more

1,000,000+ curious minds.

1,000,000+ curious minds.

One book. Many ways to hear it.

When Love Turns to Control: The Dangerous Dance of Misogyny

The Most Romantic Man in the World: How Misogynistic Relationships Begin

See every word as you hear it

The End of the Honeymoon: When Prince Charming Reveals His Dark Side

How He Gains Control: Weapons of Psychological Warfare

Get more out of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Where He Gains Control: Battlegrounds for Power

What Keeps Women Hooked: The Powerful Forces of Emotional Addiction

See every word as you hear it

How Men Learn to Hate Women: The Roots of Misogyny

How Women Learn to Love Women-Haters: The Legacy of Childhood

Get more out of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Madness for Two: The Dysfunctional Dance of Misogynistic Relationships

Finding Yourself Again: Reclaiming Your Life and Power

You made it to the end of Men who hate women & the women who love them

Users also liked

Part of a Learning Plan

Leave draining relationship at 23

Discover more

Overview of Men who hate women & the women who love them