Chapter 4
The Golden Rule of Friendship: Making Others Feel Good About Themselves
When you meet someone for the first time, it's a defining "moment of truth" that determines how your relationship will develop. The Golden Rule of Friendship-if you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves-is crucial for all successful relationships.
As an FBI agent, I found this principle essential for getting people to trust me, sometimes with their lives. New agents often struggle with this vital skill, focusing too much on themselves rather than the person they're befriending. When you make someone feel good about themselves, they credit you with that feeling and will seek opportunities to see you again to experience those same good feelings.
Empathic statements keep conversation focused on the other person rather than yourself-one of the most effective ways to make people feel good. Statements like "You look like you're having a bad day" or "You look happy today" show you're listening and care about their well-being. The basic formula "So you..." ensures focus stays on the other person, though once mastered, you can drop this prefix for more sophisticated statements.
Empathic statements also serve as effective conversation fillers during awkward silences. When struggling for something to say, simply recall the last thing the person said and construct an empathic statement based on that information. The speaker will carry the conversation, giving you time to think of something meaningful.
A fine line separates flattery from compliments-flattery has negative connotations of insincerity and manipulation, while genuine compliments acknowledge accomplishments. A superior approach is allowing others to compliment themselves by constructing dialogue that predisposes them to recognize their own attributes. When people compliment themselves, they feel good about themselves and, following the Golden Rule of Friendship, will like you for providing that opportunity.
You can use a third party to compliment someone without doing it yourself, yet still get credit for making them feel good. When you directly compliment people who might suspect ulterior motives, they often discount your efforts. A third-party compliment eliminates this skepticism by having a mutual acquaintance pass along your positive comments.
Words create filters through which people view reality. The "primacy effect" means that initial descriptions powerfully shape perceptions. If someone describes a person you're about to meet as "untrustworthy," you'll be predisposed to view everything they do through that lens. Conversely, describing someone as "friendly" creates positive expectations that persist despite contradictory evidence.
I strategically used the primacy effect during interrogations. When my partner left the room, I told a suspected bank robber he was "lucky" to have my partner on the case because he was "honest and fair" but also "a human lie detector." When my partner returned and gave a skeptical look after the suspect denied robbing the bank, the suspect slapped his hand on the table and exclaimed, "Damn, he's good!" before confessing to the crime.
Ben Franklin discovered that when he asked a colleague for a favor, that person liked him more afterward-now called the Ben Franklin effect. When someone does you a favor, they feel good about themselves, activating the Golden Rule of Friendship. When asking for favors, addressing people by name enhances the effect, making them feel good about themselves and predisposed to like you.
Chapter 5
The Laws of Attraction: Psychological Principles That Draw People Together
The Laws of Attraction are additional friendship tools that increase the probability of positive interactions between people. Think of each law as a tool to enhance relationship effectiveness. You don't need to use them all-choose those that best suit your personal characteristics and the type of relationship you're building.
People naturally gravitate toward those who share their interests, perspectives, and attitudes-the Law of Similarity. This similarity reduces cognitive dissonance-the anxiety created by holding opposing beliefs-and increases mutual attraction. Finding common ground quickly establishes rapport through shared experiences, interests, or backgrounds. When meeting someone new, look for potential commonalities in their clothing (team logos), activities (walking a dog), or even tattoos. Listen carefully for shared interests and direct conversations toward these topics.
Sometimes attraction happens simply by being in the right place at the right time-the Law of Misattribution. When people feel good but don't attribute that feeling to a specific cause, they often associate it with whoever is physically near them. This "collateral benefit" works particularly well after exercise, when endorphins create a sense of well-being. Misattribution also occurs during frightening or intense experiences-soldiers in battle, police partners in danger, or even people watching scary movies together form stronger bonds. This makes scary movies ideal for first dates.
Curiosity serves as a powerful "hook" to increase relationship intensity-the Law of Curiosity. All creatures above primitive levels are naturally curious-it's a biological imperative driven by self-preservation. When you behave in ways that trigger someone's curiosity, they're more likely to interact with you. I used this technique as an FBI agent when recruiting a suspected North Korean agent. Rather than directly identifying myself, I left three increasingly intriguing notes signed "Jack Schafer," eventually including my phone number. His curiosity about who I was and why I wanted to meet him led him to call me.
Social norms dictate that when someone gives you something or does you a favor, you feel obligated to return the gesture-the Law of Reciprocity. Organizations exploit this by sending small gifts with donation requests. In relationships, this principle works powerfully-when you smile at someone, they feel compelled to smile back. Instead of saying "You're welcome" when thanked, try saying "I know you'd do the same for me" to invoke reciprocity and predispose them to help you later.
People feel closer to those who reveal vulnerabilities and innermost thoughts-the Law of Self-Disclosure. However, timing and depth matter critically-disclosures too general don't create closeness, while those too intimate too early can highlight flaws or suggest insecurity. Self-disclosure works best as a two-step process where revelations are neither too general nor too intimate, and are received with empathy and respect. For relationship longevity, use the "Hansel and Gretel approach"-leaving a trail of self-disclosures gradually over time rather than overwhelming a partner with too much information at once.
While beauty standards exist in every culture, attractiveness isn't absolute-the Law of Personal Attractiveness. Anyone can increase their appeal through good eye contact, upbeat attitude, proper dress, and attentive listening. Studies show attractive people are perceived as more talented, kind, honest and intelligent, receiving preferential treatment across various settings.
People who use humor in social interactions are perceived as more likable-the Law of Humor. Humor reduces anxiety and establishes a relaxed mood that accelerates relationship development. The endorphin release from laughing makes people feel good about themselves, activating the Golden Rule of Friendship.
Proximity significantly increases the likelihood of friendship formation-the Law of Familiarity. Festinger's apartment building study showed neighbors were most likely to be friends, with those sharing physical space developing attraction even before formal introductions. Despite the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder," distance actually increases the probability that relationships will fail.
Chapter 6
Speaking the Language of Friendship: Verbal Communication That Builds Connection
While nonverbal communication opens doors to friendship, verbal communication sustains relationships. The fundamental principle is simple: encourage others to speak, listen attentively, show empathy, and respond positively. This makes people feel good about themselves and like you in return.
Consider how verbal communication determines relationship success. Stacey, a new employee, discovers a cost-saving manufacturing method but presents it poorly to her manager by saying "You've been manufacturing this chemical all wrong." Her approach creates an adversarial situation that leads to rejection of her idea. Four communication errors doomed her approach: creating a right-wrong dynamic, using adversarial pronouns, triggering cognitive dissonance in her manager, and challenging her boss's ego.
Stacey should have used psychologically sound principles by saying, "Sir, I would like your advice on something that would make our company more profitable." This approach shows respect, creates inclusion, avoids cognitive dissonance, bolsters the manager's sense of importance, and fosters a mentor-mentee relationship. Using "our company" signals team commitment while allowing the manager to feel ownership of the idea.
Sharing credit might seem unfair initially, but has long-term benefits. While glory has a short expiration date, goodwill lasts much longer. Distributing credit increases likability, creates social debts, and builds allies for future endeavors.
Effective listening requires overcoming our tendency to block out others' speech. Active listening-paying full attention-is essential for building friendships through verbal communication. Maintain eye contact two-thirds to three-fourths of the time to show attentiveness and build connection. Avoid interrupting speakers, particularly if you're an extrovert with a tendency to finish others' sentences. People naturally like those who genuinely listen to them.
Dr. Scott Finkelstein, an anesthesiologist, builds patient trust quickly by giving full attention, maintaining eye contact, listening, and validating feelings. This approach melts away fear and establishes trust in under ten minutes, demonstrating how effective listening builds connection whether with patients or potential friends.
Communication happens on both verbal and nonverbal levels. Observing body language before, during, and after conversations helps assess appropriateness, progress, impact, and potential objections. Backward leaning, crossed arms, lip compressions, looking around, checking watches, or turning away signal disengagement. When these signs appear, change the subject-you're likely focusing too much on yourself instead of the other person.
Words carry different meanings to different people and can unexpectedly damage relationships like land mines. When someone is offended, they rarely mention it directly but begin distancing themselves while showing nonverbal discomfort-wincing, looking shocked, or stepping backward. By observing these reactions and addressing potential offense immediately, you can repair relationships by clarifying meaning.
The lip purse signals disagreement or dissension. When presenting ideas, watch for this subtle cue and address concerns before verbal rejection occurs. Once someone publicly rejects a proposal, changing their mind becomes nearly impossible due to the psychological principle of consistency. Using empathic statements like "I'll bet you're thinking this idea isn't going to work, but let me explain why it will" can forestall rejection by acknowledging doubts while buying time to present counterarguments.
Chapter 7
Building Closeness: From Acquaintance to Meaningful Connection
Making friends requires rapport-the essential bonding agent that creates connection. As writer Kevin Hogan noted, "Building rapport begins with you." It's your responsibility to establish and strengthen rapport to transform brief encounters into lasting bonds.
The friendship continuum extends beyond simple categories to include varying levels of connection: STRANGER-CASUAL ENCOUNTER-ACQUAINTANCE-FRIEND-SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Building rapport becomes increasingly important as relationships evolve from casual encounters to significant connections, with interactions growing more intense and meaningful along this progression.
As communal beings, we naturally seek connections with others. Rapport builds a psychological bridge between people, paving the way for friendship. Even in professional contexts like FBI interviews, establishing rapport is crucial-suspects rarely confess to people they don't like. One sexual assault suspect, after building rapport through sports discussions, not only confessed but maintained contact through letters after his conviction, demonstrating the power of human connection.
Testing rapport helps determine relationship progress and when you've reached a point where you can achieve your objectives. Touch provides a reliable gauge of relationship intensity. Strangers typically touch arms below shoulders or hands, while touches outside this zone suggest deeper connection. Women often give light touches to forearms or knees to signal comfort, which men frequently misinterpret as sexual interest. The small of a woman's back represents the most intimate non-sexual public touch point, reserved for men who've earned this right.
Preening gestures like picking lint off clothes or straightening a tie indicate good rapport, while extended self-preening often signals disinterest. Researchers Nelson and Geher identified grooming activities that assess romantic relationship intensity-running fingers through hair, washing/bathing together, shaving, wiping tears, brushing hair, cleaning nails, removing dirt/lint, back scratching, and wiping food from face. More grooming behaviors indicate stronger connection.
People with psychological connections naturally mirror each other's gestures. To test rapport, use the "lead and follow" technique: after initially mirroring someone, change your body position and observe if they mirror you within 20-30 seconds. If they match your new posture, rapport exists; if not, continue building connection before testing again.
Posture provides valuable rapport indicators. People lean toward those they like and away from those they don't. Open posture (uncrossed limbs, frequent hand movements, palms-up displays, slight forward lean) signals attraction and communication openness, while closed posture (tightly crossed arms, minimal movement, feet pointing away) indicates discomfort or disinterest.
People who share rapport orient their bodies toward each other. Beyond leaning, shifting the torso to face someone directly indicates increasing connection. The progression typically follows: first, the head turns toward you; second, shoulders turn toward you; finally, the torso repositions to directly face you. When this full sequence occurs, rapport has been established.
People who feel uncomfortable erect barriers between themselves and others, while those at ease maintain open space or remove existing barriers. Barriers include arm crossing (protecting against psychological anxiety), inanimate objects placed between people (cups, purses, pillows), prolonged eye closure (preventing sight of uncomfortable stimuli), increased eye-blink rates, and strategic cup positioning. Cup placement serves as a rapport barometer-cups placed between people signal weak rapport, while moving them aside indicates growing connection.
Chapter 8
Nurturing and Sustaining Long-Term Relationships: The CARE Framework
All long-term relationships begin as short-term connections and develop through the same rapport-building tools. The key behavior required to maintain mature, loving relationships is caring. The people we hold in highest esteem are those we believe truly care about us. Though difficult to define precisely, caring is recognizable when experienced-it's about heart rather than head, reaching beyond surface interactions to our innermost feelings.
Caring individuals demonstrate genuine concern for others-not passing comments but authentic compassion and commitment to help. While maintaining relationships is easier when things go well, true character emerges during crises. Daily acts of compassion-sharing workload, doing special things unprompted, offering compliments and reassurance-demonstrate "loving someone from the inside." Even small acts of kindness can have profound, lasting impacts, as illustrated by a kidnapping victim who remembered an agent's compassion years later.
Active listening employs verbal and nonverbal cues with empathic statements when others speak. In long-term relationships, communication either sustains or drains feelings between partners. Those who practice active listening from the start gain tremendous advantage as relationships mature, developing deeper understanding of their partner's needs, interests, personality, desires, and conversational boundaries. Without active listening, even decades-long couples may have no idea how their partner truly feels.
Reinforcement involves the appropriate use of rewards and punishments in relationships. Three types of partners use reinforcement inappropriately: The Negativistic Partner emphasizes mistakes while ignoring successes; The Perfectionistic Partner demands impossible standards before offering praise; and The Sadistic Partner allows one mistake to erase all accumulated positive behaviors. Effective reinforcement requires paying sufficient positive attention through regular praise, remembering significant milestones, including partners in decision-making, offering public recognition when appropriate, and ensuring rewards match what partners actually want rather than what you think they want.
Empathy forms the final component of the CARE framework essential to successful long-term relationships. Long-term partners have a natural advantage in empathizing, having learned subtle nuances of their partner's moods, needs and idiosyncrasies over time. Simple empathic statements like "You must really be hurting" demonstrate awareness of a partner's emotional state and willingness to acknowledge their pain. Being present during difficult times provides comfort that partners remember and cherish.
Even the strongest relationships experience conflict. Managing anger effectively requires understanding that angry people cannot think logically due to their fight-or-flight response. The "Big Three" approach to breaking the anger cycle includes: empathic statements that reflect emotions back to the angry person; allowing venting to reduce frustration; and employing presumptive statements that direct angry individuals toward resolution. Creating the illusion of choice helps maintain the angry person's sense of control while guiding them toward voluntary compliance.
A powerful preventative measure for couples is to write heartfelt letters detailing what they admire about each other while their relationship is still vibrant. These sealed letters, stored away safely, can be exchanged if the relationship later deteriorates, potentially rekindling those initial feelings and breaking emotional impasses. One creative implementation involved a wooden box with a glass front, hammer attached, labeled "In case of divorce, break glass." During arguments, either partner could ask, "Is it time to break the glass?"-a reminder of their early love that helped de-escalate conflicts.
Chapter 9
Navigating Relationships in the Digital Age: Opportunities and Dangers
The digital world offers both significant advantages and serious risks for relationship building. While online platforms provide unprecedented opportunities to connect, they also create unique vulnerabilities that require careful navigation.
Introverts tend to disclose more information online than in face-to-face encounters because digital platforms provide them sufficient time to formulate responses without interruption. The online environment removes the social pressure of initiating conversations with strangers and allows introverts to express their true beliefs without fearing immediate negative feedback.
The Internet creates perfect conditions for finding common ground, with countless special interest groups making it remarkably easy to find people who share even the most specific combinations of interests and hobbies. The sheer volume of people online dramatically increases your chances of finding individuals who match your specific criteria compared to traditional meeting places.
Online interactions offer anonymity and the ability to end relationships with a simple click, reducing the risk of face-to-face rejection and embarrassment. Dating sites and social platforms allow users to describe their preferences in potential contacts, creating screening mechanisms that can help limit interactions to more compatible matches.
However, everything posted online potentially gains "Internet immortality," creating a permanent cyberfootprint that doesn't easily disappear. Employers, potential partners, stalkers, businesses, and government agencies increasingly use this digital history to make judgments about individuals. Always consider whether you'd be comfortable seeing your online activities on tomorrow's newspaper front page before posting.
Despite rapidly evolving technology outpacing social norms, following proper digital etiquette makes online experiences safer and more enjoyable while increasing your chances of making friends rather than enemies. Proper smartphone etiquette includes silencing devices in public places, refraining from disruptive conversations, protecting sensitive information, being mindful of call records, avoiding inappropriate recordings, refraining from sexting, and prioritizing real-world relationships over virtual ones.
The Internet provides fertile ground for relationships but comes with significant risks. While dating websites claim success in matching "soul mates," online relationship-building can be either rewarding or disastrous. I illustrate the dangers with cautionary tales: a Notre Dame football player who fell for a woman who never existed, and the Klarics, a married couple who unknowingly had an online affair with each other while using fake identities.
Research shows 81% of online daters lie about physical attributes-women typically about weight, men about height. About one-third of profile photos are inaccurate, with women's photos being less accurate than men's. While people put their "best foot forward" online as they would on a first date, there's a line between making a good impression and outright deception.
In face-to-face interactions, subtle nonverbal cues like eye movements and voice changes help us assess others' personalities and truthfulness. Internet relationships lack these crucial cues, making assessment more difficult. People often disclose sensitive information more quickly online than face-to-face, skipping vital relationship development steps. This accelerated intimacy creates vulnerabilities.
We naturally tend to believe what others tell us-this "truth bias" allows society to function smoothly without constantly verifying information. This bias provides liars with an advantage since people want to believe what they read in emails and texts. Without verbal and nonverbal cues online, judging written correspondence becomes particularly challenging.
To avoid being hooked by a catphish (someone pretending to be someone they're not), force them into the visual world where you can use your knowledge of nonverbal signals. Establish competing hypotheses early, assume you're dealing with a catphish until proven otherwise, and insist on face-to-face meetings in public places as soon as possible. If in-person meetings aren't practical, demand video calls. Anyone making excuses to avoid visual contact is sending warning signals.
Online communication has dramatically transformed how we seek friends and build relationships. By recognizing internet dangers and using protective techniques, meaningful online relationships are possible-and might even be preferable for initial connection stages. Used with appropriate caution and common sense, the internet becomes another valuable tool in your friendship toolbox.
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