Chapter 4
From Shallow to Deep Curiosity
Shigeoka describes attending a Trump rally alone-despite opposing many of Trump's policies-as part of his yearlong cross-country journey to understand people different from himself. Amid the sea of red MAGA hats and charged political energy, he approached strangers with genuine questions about their lives, values, and motivations.
Beyond its survival and intellectual benefits, curiosity serves another vital function: connection. When curiosity becomes heart-centered rather than purely intellectual, we shift from wanting to know things to wanting to understand people. Research by psychologist Todd Kashdan shows that curious people feel closer to strangers after conversations than less curious people do. This happens through a "spiral of give and take," where curious questions prompt deeper disclosures, creating progressively more intimate exchanges that accelerate relationship formation.
Curiosity isn't binary but exists on a spectrum from shallow to deep. Shallow curiosity isn't unimportant-we rely on it daily. Asking a stranger about their day or the weather can be neighborly and mood-boosting, even if it doesn't transform anything. The goal isn't to eliminate shallow curiosity but to complement it with deeper exploration.
For instance, shifting from "How was your weekend?" to follow-up questions like "What made your weekend great?" or "What does hiking bring into your life?" takes us deeper. This depth makes connection and transformation more likely because it reaches the heart of people's feelings, stories, and humanity.
Deep curiosity can be visualized as a door. Incuriosity means pretending the door doesn't exist, missing out on new experiences and relationships. Shallow curiosity acknowledges the door and looks through the peephole, but the view remains distorted by assumptions and biases. Deep curiosity means turning the knob, opening the door, and stepping through. You venture into the unknown, becoming fully immersed without barriers.
Rainer Maria Rilke advised to "love the questions" and "live the questions." To love the questions means infusing them with genuine enthusiasm-a love that can be felt by others. To live the questions suggests immersion-not just wondering but wandering. We must expose ourselves firsthand to other people and places, not just read about them.
Deep curiosity requires presence without an agenda. When curiosity becomes attached to judgment or aims to change someone's beliefs, it transforms into "predatory curiosity"-approaching with ulterior motives rather than genuine interest. While deep curiosity says "I want to understand you," predatory curiosity says "I want to change you."
Research by political scientists David Broockman and Joshua Kalla shows that listening and valuing others-even when their ideas seem offensive-opens doors to dialogue. Paradoxically, those who most aggressively try to convince others often feel least confident in their own opinions. Though curiosity can indeed lead to someone shifting their views, transformation should be a byproduct, not the goal.
Chapter 5
Overcoming the Barriers to Curiosity
Four major obstacles block our path to deep curiosity: Fear (what we're afraid of, real or imagined), Trauma (lasting nervous-system responses to distressing experiences), Time (feeling we lack space for deep curiosity), and Distance (lacking opportunities to meet different others).
Fear, while essential for protection, often blocks curiosity when it appears without real threat. It manifests in various forms: fear of rejection, pain, failure, conflict, the unknown, and change. Some fears exist only in our imagination, while others are grounded in real experiences. Rather than ignoring fear, we should acknowledge it, breathe deeply to activate psychophysiological benefits, and find an appropriate place on the curiosity spectrum.
Trauma creates lasting emotional responses that impede curiosity. Unlike physical injuries, trauma gets "stored in the body," reawakening in different life moments. Psychologist Kevin Becker explains that trauma shrinks the hippocampus (associated with curiosity) and triggers flight, fight, or freeze responses-all curiosity killers. When trauma surfaces, we must proceed cautiously, often with professional support.
The "time famine"-feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities without enough hours-severely limits our capacity for curiosity. Between multiple jobs, relationships, and digital distractions, deep curiosity often gets sacrificed. Psychiatrist Jud Brewer suggests practicing mindfulness to break time-wasting habits by observing our "habit loops" (cue, routine, reward) and replacing mindless behaviors with more intentional ones.
Physical separation between different groups creates barriers to curiosity. Our cities and communities are increasingly segregated by age, race, and other factors. Studies show one-third of people over fifty-five live in age-restricted communities, while only 6 percent of people over sixty discuss important matters with non-family members under thirty-six. Similarly, the typical white American lives in a neighborhood that is 75 percent white and only 8 percent Black. To overcome these barriers, we can purposefully choose integrated living situations and support organizations that create "third spaces" for diverse people to connect across differences.
Chapter 6
Detaching from Assumptions, Biases, and Certainty
To practice deep curiosity, we must first "empty our cup" of what Shigeoka calls the ABCs: assumptions, biases, and certainty. These mental shortcuts help us filter information but can fill to the brim, leaving no room for new perspectives.
Assumptions are beliefs we accept as true without proof-mental shortcuts that help our brains conserve energy. While evolutionarily useful, assumptions can be harmful in relationships, leading us to go on autopilot with people we think we know completely. When we stop asking questions, people feel unseen. The goal isn't eliminating assumptions entirely, but noticing and pressure-testing them for accuracy.
One practice, playfully called "Back That Ass(umption) Up," involves pressure-testing assumptions by collecting evidence. Like the millennial "nones" who questioned their assumptions about nuns through firsthand experience, we can disrupt assumptions by meeting people we hold beliefs about and asking questions.
Research by Robin Dunbar confirms that people think about us far less than we imagine-78% of conversations involve people talking about themselves. Our "metaperceptions" (what we assume others think of us) are typically more negative than reality, affecting self-confidence and relationships. Samantha Moore-Berg's research shows these exaggerated metaperceptions predict political hostility-both Democrats and Republicans overestimate how much the other group dislikes them by twice the actual amount.
Biases and assumptions are related judgments that feed each other-biases contain collections of assumptions and influence how we feel toward others. Unlike assumptions, biases are automatic and deeply ingrained, making them harder to recognize and challenge.
To combat bias, try "The Garden Salad Effect"-see people as individuals with unique preferences rather than as members of monolithic groups. Research by Wheeler and Fiske shows that individualizing people (like imagining their vegetable preferences) reduces amygdala activation associated with fear. Creating expansive shared identities also helps overcome biases, as demonstrated in a study with soccer fans who were more likely to help injured rivals when reminded of their common identity as soccer enthusiasts.
Certainty impedes curiosity by preventing us from making room in our teacups. When we're convinced something will always be true, we don't question it or stay open to change, leading to stagnation and apathy in relationships and outlook. To detach from certainty, become an "admitter"-someone who can say "I was wrong!" Research shows that intellectual humility makes us appear more communal and friendly without diminishing our perceived competence.
Chapter 7
Setting the Right Conditions for Curiosity
Intention means being deliberate in your practice of deep curiosity rather than haphazard. The word intend comes from Latin intendere, meaning "to stretch toward"-a perfect analogy since stretching increases flexibility and strength while reducing injury risk. Just as we should stretch before exercise, we must prepare our mindset and setting before practicing deep curiosity.
To prepare for deep curiosity, Shigeoka borrows a framework from psychonauts-"sailors of the mind and soul" who use altered states of consciousness to explore meaningful life questions. They follow a three-word phrase: set and setting. Set (mindset) involves cultivating positive attitudes like excitement and wonder rather than letting fears dominate. Setting concerns contextual factors like place, people, and time that make you feel safe.
You can hack your brain's reticular activating system (RAS)-the "bouncer" for your perception nightclub-to prioritize curiosity by focusing on specific behaviors, like tracking how many questions you ask during conversations. Another effective approach is writing down specific curiosity intentions for upcoming events. Research shows that writing down when and where you'll perform a behavior dramatically increases follow-through-91% of participants who planned their exercise this way stuck with their commitment.
We live in a culture that prioritizes answers over questions, treating knowingness as strength and questioning as weakness. Yet the most effective leaders in our fast-moving world share one trait: they aren't afraid to ask questions. Research shows curious leaders make fewer decision-making errors, drive more innovation, and achieve better team performance.
Powerful questions have four key criteria: they're open-ended (starting with words like Why or What), rooted in genuine interest, appropriate for the relationship, and original rather than cliched. Creating a list of powerful questions to draw from helps prepare for moments requiring deep curiosity.
Just as athletes use visualization to improve performance, we can mentally rehearse being curious. In a remarkable experiment from the 1960s, psychologist Alan Richardson demonstrated that basketball players who visualized making free throws for twenty minutes daily improved almost as much (23%) as those who physically practiced every day (24%).
Objects can powerfully spark curiosity. Shigeoka uses this technique with his University of Texas students, asking them to bring meaningful items that illuminate how their families shaped them. These physical or digital artifacts become catalysts for reflection and insight.
Setting clear commitments before conversations creates a container where curiosity can flourish. Start by defining what commitments are and offering examples like "challenge ideas, not people" or "listen without distractions." Then invite participants to suggest additions or modifications until you have 6-8 agreed-upon commitments.
Chapter 8
Valuing Ourselves and Others
Valuing means recognizing the inherent dignity of all people regardless of their actions or your feelings toward them. This practice is challenging, especially when someone has hurt you. When a friend excludes you from a dinner, it's easy to dehumanize them by thinking of them as "that bitch" rather than approaching with curiosity about their reasons.
Valuing others begins with valuing yourself-seeing yourself as worthy of curiosity first. This means embracing all facets of who you are, both the admirable and challenging parts. When we don't acknowledge our full humanity, especially our imperfections, we become judgmental rather than curious. Self-devaluation leads to impostor syndrome, self-hate, and shame, making us feel small and unworthy of curiosity.
One practice involves conversing with your inner voices. Instead of silencing negative inner voices, try befriending them through questions: "Have I heard these voices before?" "What triggers them?" Give a microphone to emotions you typically suppress, like anger. Ask: "If you could use words to describe why you're feeling this way, what would you say?"
Another practice is taking a "brave pause"-making an ask and staying curious about the response. This is especially important for "people pleasers" who care for others at their own expense. Valuing yourself means getting out of your own way when sharing dreams or needs. Whether with strangers or loved ones, resist adding disclaimers like "But my poems are trash" when sharing creative work.
Many of us believe we always value others, pointing to our "CELEBRATE DIVERSITY" signs or charity donations as proof. But we all devalue others at times, seeing them through a single lens rather than as whole people. This happens especially with those whose political views differ from ours-we reduce them to a NPR tote bag or MAGA hat.
Psychologists John and Julie Schwartz Gottman discovered that responding to a partner's "bids for attention" is fundamental to lasting relationships. Couples who "turn toward" these bids-questions like "How about salmon for dinner?" or "What book are you reading?"-by engaging meaningfully were more likely to stay married. This practice extends beyond romantic relationships to colleagues, neighbors, friends, and family.
Emile Bruneau's research revealed that the flow of curiosity-who shares versus who listens-is crucial in dialogue across power differences. In experiments with Israelis and Palestinians, as well as white Americans and Mexican immigrants, he found that when people from dominant groups listened to those from marginalized groups, attitudes improved significantly. However, when the power dynamic was reversed, little changed for either group. This suggests that those with more social power should primarily listen, while those with less social power should share their experiences.
Chapter 9
Embracing Life's Challenges Through Curiosity
Life's forest fires seem to appear without warning-a parent's cancer diagnosis, death of a loved one, job loss, divorce-throwing us off balance and spiraling out of control. After experiencing several of these personal disasters, we know destruction can lead to unexpected new paths, but in the moment, we're paralyzed by fear and desperate for certainty.
When facing life's difficult moments, we often avoid looking at hard truths by distracting ourselves. Sometimes this is necessary self-protection, but other times it's avoidance that prolongs suffering. Grounding techniques help anchor you during these "fire seasons" so you don't retreat into endless distraction.
In a 2010 Slate article, Daniel Engber noted that quicksand appeared in one of every thirty-five films in the 1960s, instilling in many the fear of sinking to death in the gooey trap. But wilderness survival expert Hazen Audel offers three key steps to survive quicksand: don't panic, stay in your body rather than your mind, and counterintuitively, lean back. This advice applies perfectly to life's crises-when overwhelmed by work stress or caregiver responsibilities, we either freeze or make reactive decisions, both making matters worse. "Quicksanding" means slowing down deliberately, focusing on your breath, and finding slow, mindful movement rather than matching your stress with frantic activity.
Courage, according to Brene Brown, is a "heart word" requiring inner strength and commitment to speak honestly about both good and bad. It demands risk-taking without knowing outcomes and sitting with uncertainty and discomfort. Without courage, we can't be deeply curious during hard times-we won't pay attention to our bodies when sick, assess legal or financial troubles, or explore what awaits after losing our home to disaster.
Rituals like wedding vows help us mark significant life transitions and research shows they reduce anxiety while fostering connection. Writing vows to yourself-not just for weddings but any transition-helps clarify how you'll show up for yourself. These personal vows answer questions like how you'll treat yourself, stay attuned to your needs, and handle difficult times.
After nearly being hit by a car in Cuba, Alua Arthur met Jessica, a woman with terminal cancer traveling before she died. Unlike others who offered empty platitudes, Alua embraced Jessica's reality and listened deeply. This encounter transformed Alua's life, leading her to become a death doula-someone who supports people at life's end not by fixing but by witnessing. This approach can help us all become "courage doulas" in difficult times by approaching tough moments with compassion rather than judgment, and focusing on witnessing rather than fixing.
Chapter 10
Understanding the Boundaries of Curiosity
While deep curiosity offers tremendous benefits for understanding yourself and others, it's only effective when we understand our limits and boundaries. Limits define what you're capable of, reducing risk and harm, while boundaries keep you safe and comfortable. Without knowing both, your curiosity journey could lead to feeling panicked, overwhelmed, or unsafe.
Sometimes you're simply not the right person for a particular curiosity journey. It can be counterproductive or dangerous to get curious with someone who denies your right to exist or threatens you. You might also not be the right person if you're not involved in the relationship, like intervening in your partner's workplace conflict. Always honor others' boundaries-if someone doesn't want your curiosity, respect that consent is paramount.
Timing matters tremendously with deep curiosity. Like driving, curiosity isn't appropriate when you're emotionally "intoxicated" or running on empty. If you lack bandwidth because of a tough day, it's okay to set boundaries. There are exceptions when we have a moral duty to exercise curiosity despite timing-when someone is in danger or expressing suicidal thoughts.
Even as the right person at the right time, you must move at the right speed. Shigeoka uses a traffic light system to navigate curiosity boundaries. Red lights mean stop completely-like when the guys at the Avett Brothers concert became threatening, or when a relative shares unwanted family secrets. Yellow lights signal caution-like when he catches himself trying to convince rather than understand someone with different views on LGBTQ+ rights. Green lights mean proceed, but remember that even on smooth journeys, you need rest stops.
Deep curiosity is inherently messy and imperfect. We'll fumble and make mistakes, misread signals, and encounter unresponsive people. Self-compassion is essential-like Kristin Neff's "self-compassion breaks" where we acknowledge suffering, recognize it as part of the human experience, and extend kindness to ourselves. This practice builds courage for riskier curiosity. Similarly, we must extend grace to others who aren't receptive to our questions. Everyone deserves curiosity, but no one owes it to us at all times.
Chapter 11
Spreading the Curiosity Revolution
We naturally mimic the expressions, mannerisms, and behaviors of those around us through what psychologists call "the chameleon effect." This phenomenon, powered by mirror neurons in our brains, means that surrounding ourselves with curious people makes us more curious too. Research by Goren Gordon demonstrated this contagious quality when children who played with "curious" robot partners showed increased exploratory behaviors, while those paired with "incurious" robots showed no such increase.
To spread curiosity effectively, begin with those closest to you rather than trying to transform entire organizations immediately. Start with three deliberate actions: articulate curiosity as an important value, embrace it as an identity, and bring it into spaces you already occupy. Like the 80/20 rule, focus first on your immediate sphere of influence-trusted colleagues, friends, or family members.
Declaring curiosity as a shared value means more than just adding it to a principles document-it must be actively demonstrated. Leaders can't merely request curiosity from others without practicing it themselves by asking questions and admitting knowledge gaps. In families, parents must model the behaviors they wish to see, avoiding double standards like prohibiting phone use while remaining glued to their own devices.
Like the LGBTQ+ movement normalized queer identities through coming out, we need to "come out" as curious people. Curiosity transcends all other identity markers-it's accessible regardless of wealth, age, race, or ability. The "closet" keeping curiosity hidden is our societal pressure to appear knowledgeable, where admitting ignorance feels like weakness rather than integrity.
Rather than creating new venues for curiosity, bring it to spaces you already occupy-offices, homes, schools, neighborhoods and online spaces. Social media platforms typically used for presenting accomplishments and expertise can be repurposed for genuine exploration by admitting what you don't know and inviting followers to participate in your learning journey.
Deep curiosity transformed Shigeoka's life-helping him fall in love, enter therapy, embark on a cross-country journey to meet different people, enhance his career, strengthen relationships, and even write this book. Throughout the writing process, curiosity saved him from panic attacks and impostor syndrome by helping him detach from assumptions, value himself, and embrace difficult moments.
Life will continue throwing curveballs, and society will face crisis after crisis. While we can't control these things, we can harness deep curiosity to navigate them better. The next time the rug is pulled from under you, don't hide-seek.
