Chapter 1
When Love Meets Reality: The Art of Perseverance in Marriage
Karen Ehman's "Keep Showing Up" has become something of a phenomenon among Christian wives seeking to navigate the complex terrain of long-term marriage. The book has garnered praise from influential voices like Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Liz Curtis Higgs, who commend its practical wisdom and gospel-centered approach. What makes this book particularly resonant is that it doesn't promise quick fixes or magical solutions-instead, it offers a refreshingly honest look at what it takes to build a lasting marriage. Ehman's work has struck a chord with women at every stage of matrimony, from newlyweds to those celebrating golden anniversaries, because it focuses on the one thing we can actually control in marriage: ourselves. As marriage rates decline nationwide and divorce parties become trendy celebrations complete with "I'm done" cake toppers, Ehman's counter-cultural message of commitment has found an audience hungry for hope in an era of disposable relationships.
Chapter 2
The Resignation Letter I Never Sent
Just six weeks into my marriage, I sat crying on our bedroom floor, wondering how to resign from being a wife. My husband and I had met in college, earning both our degrees and our marriage certificate within weeks of each other. I was proud of my academic achievements but suddenly wished I could return my "Mrs." degree. The reality of marriage had crashed against my fantasy of candlelit dinners, surprise flowers, and romantic movie dates. Instead, we faced burnt roast dinners, arguments about his late work hours, disagreements about which movies to see, and me taking solitary walks after heated disputes.
Why is marriage so difficult? For one, we enter with sky-high expectations. From childhood, we're fed idealistic views-Barbie and Ken never fought, TV couples resolved conflicts within thirty minutes, and most real-life couples we knew seemed to have their acts together. Setting the bar too high-expecting a conflict-free, romance-filled, effortless marriage-sets us up for disappointment.
Our culture doesn't help either. In fifth grade, I could count on one hand classmates whose parents weren't together. Society largely supported marriage then. Like cathedrals with flying buttresses providing external support, marriages once had societal reinforcement. Today, those external supports are gone. Divorce is winked at, shrugged off, even celebrated with "divorce parties" complete with "Divorced Diva" sashes.
The most fundamental reason marriage is difficult? We're fallible creatures in a fallen world. We enter marriage with our own baggage, expectations, and most problematically, our desire to have things our own way. As James 4:1 asks, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" We want our own way and expect our spouse to let us have it.
Two realizations have helped me maintain my marriage: marriage is hard, and it's not about me. God didn't create marriage just for our happiness but for a profound purpose-to illustrate the relationship between Christ and the church. Your marriage preaches a living gospel to the watching world through lifelong covenant, sexual exclusivity, and self-sacrifice. People are watching your sermon.
Chapter 3
When Opposites Attract-And Then Attack
During premarital counseling, our pastor warned that less than 5% of marriages with our personality profiles last. Though I loved my fiance's laid-back nature, after marriage I interpreted his easygoing demeanor as passivity. He loved my sociability during dating but quickly tired of my constant talking. We differ in how we spend money and time, clean house, parent, and communicate. These differences that once seemed charming became daily sources of tension - my need for detailed planning clashing with his spontaneity, his quiet contemplation conflicting with my need for constant conversation.
During dating, opposites attract-introverts drawn to extroverts, city girls to country boys, planners to free spirits. The excitement of discovering someone who views life through a different lens can be intoxicating. But later, opposites attack as strengths carried to extremes become weaknesses. The organized spouse becomes controlling, the laid-back partner seems irresponsible, the social butterfly appears attention-seeking, and the introvert seems cold and distant. The very qualities that initially attracted you to your spouse can become your greatest irritations.
Think of marriage like twill fabric-two distinct sides woven together to create something durable and stain-resistant. Each thread maintains its unique characteristics while becoming part of a stronger whole. The result is a relationship with strength and flexibility that can shed irritations and transgressions, becoming pliable enough to suit both spouses' needs while remaining strong enough to fight against the real enemy-Satan, not each other. This interweaving requires both partners to bend without breaking, adapt without losing their essential nature.
Similarly, our spouses can be like "sandpaper" that rubs us the wrong way but ultimately smooths our rough edges. A perfectionist learns patience from their more relaxed partner; an impulsive spouse develops better planning skills from their methodical mate. Rather than attacking each other for our differences, we can view these friction points as tools that help refine our character. As Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Even minor irritations can grow into major frustrations when we dwell on them. I once found myself irritated by my husband's failure to use his turn signal while driving, which led me to mentally catalog all his other annoying habits - leaving cabinet doors open, forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll, putting empty containers back in the refrigerator. During a doctor's appointment, an elderly woman's comment that "everybody's got somethin'" helped me realize we all have quirks that irritate others. Her wisdom reminded me that my own habits - constant schedule adjustments, leaving shoes scattered throughout the house, interrupting with stories - likely tested my husband's patience just as much. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that "good sense makes one slow to anger" and it's our "glory to overlook an offense." This perspective shift transforms daily irritations from relationship threats into opportunities for grace and personal growth.
Chapter 4
The Trio of Trouble: Baggage, Expectations, and Perceptions
Most marital conflicts stem from three common threads-baggage, expectations, and perceptions-regardless of the specific topic being argued about. Like carrying emotional luggage, we bring past experiences, unhelpful thought patterns from previous relationships, and negative self-perceptions into marriage. This baggage influences our relationships unconsciously, as we've either packed these issues ourselves or allowed others to shape our feelings.
For instance, lingering insecurities about weight from childhood teasing or feeling intellectually inadequate from past criticism color how we see ourselves and our spouses, often magnifying simple disagreements. When marital conflicts arise, we instinctively reach for familiar but unhelpful responses.
Expectations also shape our marriage disappointments. I learned this through a childhood fishing experience. My first outing at a trout farm was instant success, creating unrealistic expectations that led to disappointment during real fishing. Similarly, in marriage, our expectations often come from our past experiences-whether it was a handy father creating expectations for our spouse's abilities, or parents who always cleaned the kitchen creating frustration when our spouse relaxes after dinner.
These expectations also come from media portrayals and social media's highlight reels, creating "just like" comparisons that inevitably lead to disappointment. Our "just like" thinking creates unrealistic standards about attentiveness, romance, spiritual leadership, housework sharing, and material gifts that real marriages can't match.
Perceptions-thoughts based on appearance that we treat as truth-complete this troublesome trio. I once thought my neighbor was rude because he sometimes ignored my greetings, only to discover he was completely deaf and couldn't hear me when his back was turned. Like misinterpreting a friend's lack of response as rudeness when they're actually dealing with devastating news, these misperceptions frequently create turbulence in marriage.
When baggage, expectations, and perceptions combine, they create a perfect storm of conflict. To combat this terrible trio, we must "believe the best, don't assume the worst" instead of assigning negative motives to our spouse. We should ask clarifying questions rather than jumping to conclusions, describing our feelings while recognizing they aren't always based on facts.
Chapter 5
From Duel to Duet: Transforming Conflict
Marriage is like adhesive-two souls united where attempting to pry them apart causes damage. But not all glue is equal. Many marriages start with attraction to pretty packaging like a fancy glue stick that promises to work but fails under pressure. A lasting marriage is more like J-B Weld epoxy, which combines two entirely different substances (hardener and resin) that when mixed create an incredibly strong bond that withstands extreme temperatures.
Having a successful marriage is hard work-it's easier to let your relationship disintegrate into domestic duels than to create a melodious duet. Jesus himself told us in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Instead of being surprised by trouble and asking "why?", we should ask "so what do I do now? How do I respond?"
Prevention is always better than intervention when it comes to marital conflict. Just as you'd rather prevent weeds than pull them later, you can take steps to prevent recurring arguments. First, expect trouble rather than being shocked when it arrives. Then, establish guidelines with your spouse like: addressing issues before they fester, avoiding discussions when someone is leaving or tired, setting regular check-in times to discuss potential offenses, and clarifying expectations.
When handling conflict, couples need specific guidelines for fighting fair. These include: refrain from using superlatives like "always" and "never"; avoid bringing up past issues; express feelings rather than attacking actions; stick to facts without adding inflammatory adjectives; don't assign motives to your spouse's actions; accept that you won't always agree; speak truth lovingly; find common ground; practice compromise; remember your spouse isn't the enemy (Satan is); pray through issues rather than just about them; and be quick to apologize and forgive.
At my book release party, my friend Cindy complimented the loving spark between Todd and me, unaware we'd just argued in the car over his choice of plain white paper plates instead of decorative ones. Though I initially unloaded on him with superlatives and historical grievances, the Holy Spirit prompted me to apologize before entering the event. This quick reconciliation wasn't always our pattern-previously, such trivial matters might have caused days of tension. I've learned to ask myself: "Is it worth the negative feelings right now? The tension for the rest of today? In light of eternity?" The answer is usually no.
Chapter 6
When Romantic Feelings Fade
The stark contrast between newly dating couples and long-married ones is often visible to the naked eye. I've played a game called "Married or Matched?" with my husband, trying to guess whether couples we observe are newlyweds or long-married, noting the stark difference in their interactions. During our college courtship, even routine activities were exciting because of our new relationship. We showed care through small gestures like slipping greeting cards under doors or bringing favorite ice cream.
But long-married couples often become perfunctory when faced with life's routines. The problem isn't just familiarity breeding contempt but also boredom, as the excitement of newness fades. Rather than seeking something fresh elsewhere, we need to look at the familiar with fresh eyes to "discover a little magic in the mundane."
Understanding different types of love can help revitalize marriage. In Greek, there are four distinct types: phileo (friendship/brotherly love), storge (natural family affection), eros (passionate/erotic love), and agape (unconditional, sacrificial love). While phileo appears throughout the New Testament describing friendship bonds, and storge appears in modified forms, agape appears over 320 times as God's unconditional love. Interestingly, eros never appears in the New Testament.
Marriages often begin with eros (which is self-centered and can fade or turn to hatred), might develop phileo (conditional friendship), but truly need agape love-the God-originated, choice-based love that persists despite circumstances. We wrongly expect spouses to fulfill needs only God can meet, when instead we should view marriage as a tool God uses to make us more Christlike.
Even when viewing a spouse as an enemy, Jesus calls us to countercultural behavior-loving our enemies without exception. Remember that love is a choice, not a feeling; view marriage as a chance to serve; recognize that while husbands aren't God, they bear God's image; follow God's Word rather than our hearts; focus on being the right person rather than finding the right person; make marriage a "contest of generosity" by outdoing one another in showing honor; and think of both the first day of marriage and the last day of life when making choices.
Chapter 7
Finding Magic in the Mundane
The author shares how her perception of love evolved over time, reflecting a journey many couples experience. She once equated love with grand gestures and expensive flowers from high-end florists, viewing these as essential proof of her husband's devotion. However, as their relationship matured, she discovered profound meaning in simpler expressions of love - clearance bouquets from the local grocery store, wild daisies thoughtfully picked from their garden, or her husband quietly scraping snow off her car before her late-night flight landed. These everyday acts of care, she realized, held more authentic romance than any costly arrangement.
Many couples struggle because they express love differently, often leading to misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations. While one partner might demonstrate their devotion through practical acts of service - meticulously cleaning the apartment, folding laundry just the way their spouse likes it, or always ensuring the dishes are done before bedtime - the other might yearn for emotional connection through verbal affirmation, heartfelt love notes, or carefully chosen small gifts. Dr. Gary Chapman's influential five love languages concept illuminates why these disconnects occur. People give and receive love through different primary languages: words of affirmation (verbal expressions of love and appreciation), acts of service (doing helpful things for the other person), receiving gifts (meaningful tokens of love), quality time (focused attention and shared experiences), and physical touch (physical expressions of affection). When spouses have different primary love languages, they're essentially speaking different emotional dialects when trying to communicate affection, causing them to miss or misinterpret each other's genuine expressions of love.
To find beauty in everyday marriage, couples can implement several practical strategies. First, allow love to mature beyond Hollywood-style romantic gestures by learning to recognize and appreciate your spouse's unique love language, even if it differs from your own. Create tangible reminders of your commitment throughout your home - perhaps through displayed wedding photos, love notes on the mirror, or meaningful mementos from shared experiences. Make time for intentional conversations that go beyond daily logistics, asking questions about each other's dreams, fears, and evolving perspectives as if you're still getting to know each other. Remember that lasting love requires consistent effort - there are no shortcuts to deep connection. This might mean scheduling regular date nights, learning to fight fair, or working through difficulties together rather than avoiding them. Finally, cultivate joy in your relationship through shared activities, inside jokes, and playful traditions that become part of your unique couple culture. Whether it's a silly dance in the kitchen while cooking together or an annual recreation of your first date, these moments of levity and connection weave magic into the fabric of everyday married life.
Chapter 8
The Ministry of Marriage: Finding Purpose Together
Married couples should have dreams and missions, noting that marriage isn't just about representing Christ's relationship with the church, but also about two unique individuals forming a team qualified for specific ministry. Discovering this shared mission helps couples grow toward each other rather than apart.
Working together on something designed to benefit others ultimately strengthens marriage. This teamwork helps couples understand why God brought them together, creating a unique blend not found elsewhere. Husband-wife partnerships can be powerful tools for reaching others, even when one spouse seems more visible in ministry.
To discover your unique ministry calling together, identify people experiencing pain in your communities. Pain isn't always dramatic-it can be the loneliness of singles in a new area, the disappointment of couples facing infertility, the isolation of parents with special-needs children, or the forgotten elderly. Helping someone worse off than yourself improves your own perspective: "Get your eyes off yourself, honey."
Couples can also reflect on their past struggles to find people in similar situations they can help. For instance, if you were raised by a single parent, you might have special insight into helping children from broken homes. To systematically uncover your unique calling as a team, find a quiet moment to discuss: identifying existing ministries you may already have, listing people in pain you could help, reflecting on your "old selves," cataloging personal interests that could serve others, determining which activities you could do together, and considering how you might use your home and possessions for ministry.
While finding a shared mission is important, spouses should maintain individual interests and ministries alongside their joint endeavors. Give each other space for personal pursuits and interests, seeing this as both selfless and self-assured. Ministry as a couple requires sacrifice-you might need to defer personal comforts or wishes to prioritize kingdom work.
Chapter 9
Creating a Support System for Marriage Success
We often view our marriages like a YouTube video that recut Mary Poppins into a horror film by selecting only dark scenes. Similarly, we selectively recall only our worst marital moments, creating a distorted "Scary Marriage" narrative. Instead, we should intentionally focus on the good times with gratitude, and reframe difficult times in a fresh light.
Like someone who spots a single beautiful flower in a weedy garden, we must develop the ability to look for loveliness amid life's thickets. When applied to marriage, this practice helps us recall what initially attracted us to our spouse, outmaneuvering grumbling with genuine appreciation.
We should also reframe marital difficulties as opportunities for spiritual growth. These difficult times drive us to prayer and God's Word, where we find comfort, clarity, and solutions. Marriage struggles can become "awe-filled times" that deepen our relationship with God, who trains us in righteousness, kindness, wisdom, and forgiveness. Drawing closer to God positively affects our marriage, making us more attracted to each other as we both become more Christ-like.
Marriage needs support like cheerleading spotters who prevent falls by steadying those who wobble. Many Christian marriages fail when partners let down their guard and allow casual acquaintances to develop into affairs. The devastating impact extends beyond the couple to children, extended family, and community-like an atomic bomb affecting generations.
To build a safety net for your marriage, start with real-life connections (IRL) rather than just online relationships (URL). Three essential components include: a few close female friends who share your goal of a God-honoring marriage; a couple with whom you and your husband can regularly process life; and one trusted confidante who serves as your "locked box" for honest sharing.
Choose friends wisely-Scripture warns that "bad company corrupts good character" while encouraging us to "walk with the wise and become wise." Look for friends who make sin look bad, God look big, grace look tangible, and the Gospel look true. These relationships require vulnerability but provide accountability that "breeds response-ability," helping us keep showing up in our marriages.
Chapter 10
Never Stop Starting Over
My home office contains many cherished items, but the most important is a weathered wooden sign reading "JUNE 21, 1986" and "221 GUESTS." This simple reminder of our wedding day-when Todd and I made vows before family, friends, and God-has saved me from countless headaches and heartaches. When thoughts like "Why did I ever marry this guy? I'm outta here!" race through my mind, this sign reminds me of the promise I made.
G.K. Chesterton provided the wisest answer to the question "What's wrong with the world?": "Dear Sir, I am." This profound response captures the gospel's essence. In marriage, we magnify our spouse's sins while minimizing our own. The key is to mind our own sin first-acknowledging it, repenting, seeking forgiveness, and changing direction. This positions us for spiritual growth.
When both spouses follow God, marriage becomes where grace abounds and love flourishes. Rather than trying to change our spouse, we should allow God to refine us. Though frustrating to not control our partner's growth, we must focus on Jesus and watch Him work in both lives, knowing we'll gain something better than whatever we surrender.
Sometimes marriage feels hopeless. Three friends' stories demonstrate living out the gospel through dark times: Nicki, who told her husband "I don't want to be married to you" for years before recognizing true commitment in the man who stayed when their marriage seemed hopeless; Melissa, who took her husband's "one ounce" of hope to Jesus and focused on her own spiritual growth rather than pushing him; and Cindy, who chose to stay after her pastor husband's infidelity and pornography addiction, watching God rebuild their marriage.
Modern American weddings have become extravagant affairs, averaging over $35,000 nationally-a stark contrast to the author's modest $1,200 celebration with homemade food. This trend reflects our culture's emphasis on the wedding event rather than the lifelong commitment it represents. Like a magnificent lilac bush blooming unseen in a remote field, a thriving marriage may not gather an audience but remains beautiful nonetheless.
When we don't feel like showing up or working through difficulties, Jesus lovingly looks us in the eyes and says, "Will you please just do it for me?" Our motivation to persevere comes not from our feelings but from our love for Christ. As Eagles member Don Henley said at a concert, "Thank you for showing up. Keep showing up. After all, isn't that half the battle?" The whole battle belongs to the Lord. Keep showing up in marriage: forgive daily as God forgave us, focus on our own behavior rather than our spouse's flaws, deal with conflict healthily, reframe romance, and persevere even when it's difficult. Never stop starting over-and do it all for Jesus.
