Collaborating with the Enemy: How to Work with People You Don't Agree with or Like or Trust

Summary of Collaborating with the Enemy

1. 1

   Beyond Enemies: The Art of Working With Those We Don't Trust

   

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   Imagine sitting across the table from someone you consider your enemy - someone whose values oppose yours, whose actions have harmed what you hold dear. Now imagine working productively with them. This seemingly impossible task lies at the heart of Adam Kahane's groundbreaking work. Drawing from his experiences facilitating high-stakes collaborations - from South Africa's transition from apartheid to Colombia's peace process - Kahane reveals that working with enemies isn't just possible; it's increasingly essential in our complex world. The conventional wisdom about collaboration falls apart when facing deep divisions. What makes Kahane's approach revolutionary is how it transforms the seemingly impossible - working productively with enemies - into a learnable skill set that applies equally to international conflicts, corporate boardrooms, and family dinner tables. When former Colombian President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Juan Manuel Santos credits your work as "one of the most significant events in the country's search for peace," you've clearly tapped into something profound.

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   The Collaboration Paradox and Our Response Options

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   We face an increasing paradox in our interconnected world: collaboration is becoming simultaneously more necessary and more challenging. The more we need to work together, the harder it becomes - especially with those we consider opponents. This paradox stems from what Kahane calls the "enemyfying syndrome" - our tendency to treat others as the cause of our problems. We differentiate ourselves from "those people," seeing them as opponents. In corporate mergers, departments view other units as threats. In environmental disputes, activists and industry representatives demonize each other. Despite our interconnectedness, collaboration isn't always optimal. When facing challenges, we have four fundamental options: collaborating, forcing, adapting, or exiting. We typically pursue collaboration when we want change but can't achieve it alone. While collaboration often produces better solutions with broader buy-in, it can be slow and require uncomfortable compromises. Forcing becomes viable when we possess sufficient power and believe we know best. It can achieve quick results but generates resistance. Adapting involves functioning within unchangeable constraints, while exiting represents a clean break when other options prove unfeasible. Kahane illustrates these dynamics through his work with Thai leaders during political unrest. Though initial consensus favored collaboration, many participants reverted to forcing or adapting as tensions escalated, ultimately leading to a military coup in 2014.

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   Why Conventional Collaboration Fails in Complex Situations

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   Our default collaboration model follows three steps: analysis by experts, approval from authorities, and execution by subordinates - a rationalist approach assuming a single best solution exists. This method fails in complex situations requiring multiple perspectives. Hospital CEO Susan Jones's failed transformation illustrates three key mistakes: prioritizing "the whole" while ignoring departmental needs, forcing a single problem definition amid uncertainty, and assuming top-down change would work. We resist alternative perspectives because being right protects our identity - what psychologist Anja Koehne calls "feeling superior as a condition of being." Effective collaboration doesn't require agreement on one truth but finding ways to progress despite differences. Like successful marriages maintaining dialogue about perpetual problems rather than solving them, as complexity increases and control diminishes, conventional collaboration becomes increasingly ineffective.

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   Stretch Collaboration: Embracing Discomfort and Balance

   Stretch collaboration abandons the illusion of control. While conventional collaboration follows a controlled road map with fixed goals and roles, stretch collaboration navigates like rafting a river - making progress without complete control. It requires stretching in three dimensions: embracing both conflict and connection amid different perspectives; experimenting incrementally with multiple possibilities; and stepping fully into the situation while remaining open to personal change. When John and Mary address their son Bob's financial troubles through stretch collaboration, they maintain their loving connection while openly discussing their different perspectives. Though disagreeing on the problem and solution, they try modest new actions: John guarantees a bank loan, Mary helps Bob's wife find work, and they spend more family time together. Every social system consists of overlapping "holons" - entities that are simultaneously wholes and parts of larger wholes, each with distinct needs. Claims about "the good of the whole" typically prioritize whichever whole matters most to the speaker. Every holon has two essential drives: power and love. Following theologian Paul Tillich, power is "the drive of everything living to realize itself" through assertion and differentiation. Love is "the drive towards the unity of the separated" through engagement and integration. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic."

   Chapter 5

   The Transformative Power of Stepping In

   The most profound stretch requires moving from sidelines into direct engagement. In complex scenarios, we must shift focus from changing others to examining our own contributions. When facing challenges, we habitually think "If only they would..." This blame pattern creates a hierarchical mindset that prevents genuine collaboration. We can relate to situations either as directors/spectators (apart from the action) or as cocreators (part of the situation). As Bill Torbert notes, "If you are not part of the problem, then you cannot be part of the solution." This means seeing ourselves as "part of" rather than "apart from" - like saying "I am traffic" instead of "I am in traffic." Blaming others leaves us unhappy and helpless; committing to what we can do makes us alert and energetic. This shift from blame to responsibility creates momentum and opens new possibilities. The essential practice is attending to ourselves - whenever blame arises, we must return to the question: what must we do next?

   Chapter 6

   Power and Love: Finding Essential Balance

   Power and love function like inhaling and exhaling-we need both alternately, not simultaneously. When collaborating, we must cycle between engaging (love) and asserting (power). Under stress, most people default to their comfort zone, either weakening their stronger drive or outsourcing their weaker one. As former Alcan CEO David Culver noted: "When I feel myself wanting to be compassionate, I try to be tough, and when I feel myself wanting to be tough, I try to be compassionate." The key is recognizing feedback signals indicating imbalance and adjusting accordingly. This balance is crucial because power without love becomes reckless and abusive, while love without power becomes sentimental and anemic. Effective collaborators develop the capacity to move fluidly between these modes, recognizing when each is needed.

   Chapter 7

   Learning from Our Enemies: The Path Forward

   The Colombian peace process exemplifies stretch collaboration. In 1996, Juan Manuel Santos initiated the Destino Colombia project, bringing together forty-two representatives from Colombia's conflict. Despite initial mistrust, the process fostered meaningful dialogue. One evening, communist leader Jaime Caicedo, paramilitary commander Ivan Duque, and retired general Juan Salcedo connected through conversation and music - a relationship that later saved Caicedo's life when Duque prevented his assassination. Santos called this collaboration "one of the most significant events in the country's search for peace." Paradoxically, enemies can become our greatest teachers, forcing us to discover innovative solutions when cooperation seems impossible. The challenge isn't eliminating conflict but collaborating effectively despite differences. In our polarized world, this approach offers both practical methodology and transformative mindset - acknowledging human differences while providing tools for progress. Working with adversaries may be essential to solving our most intractable problems.

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