29:19 Jackson: Okay, so we've covered a lot of ground here about why assertiveness matters and what gets in the way of it. But I know our listeners are probably thinking, "Where do I actually start?" Can we create a practical roadmap for someone who wants to become more assertive?
20:48 Nia: Absolutely! And the key is to start small and build gradually. You wouldn't expect to run a marathon without training, and developing assertiveness is the same way. You want to build your confidence with easier situations before tackling the really challenging ones.
29:49 Jackson: That makes sense. So what would be a good first step?
29:53 Nia: I'd suggest starting with what I call "low-stakes practice." These are situations where the consequences of asserting yourself are minimal, but you can still practice the skills. Like declining a telemarketer's offer, or telling a server that your order isn't quite right.
23:42 Jackson: Oh, that's smart. You're practicing the mechanics of speaking up without risking important relationships.
5:35 Nia: Exactly. And pay attention to how it feels in your body when you assert yourself. Notice that the world doesn't end, people don't hate you, and you actually feel pretty good about advocating for yourself.
30:24 Jackson: What comes next after you've built some confidence with the small stuff?
30:27 Nia: Then you can move to what I call "medium-stakes" situations. Maybe it's expressing a different opinion in a group conversation, or asking for what you need from a friend or family member. The key is to pick situations where you care about the outcome but it's not life-or-death.
30:41 Jackson: Can you give me some specific language that people can use? I think a lot of folks know they should be more assertive but don't know what words to actually say.
9:14 Nia: Sure! For expressing disagreement, you might say something like, "I see it differently" or "That hasn't been my experience." For making requests, try "I'd appreciate it if you could..." or "It would be helpful if..." And for setting boundaries, "That doesn't work for me" or "I'm not comfortable with that."
31:08 Jackson: Those sound so much less confrontational than what I imagine when I think about being assertive.
31:14 Nia: Right? True assertiveness isn't about being aggressive or rude. It's about being clear and direct while still being respectful. And here's a crucial piece—you want to use a calm, steady tone of voice. Your body language matters too. Stand or sit up straight, make appropriate eye contact, and keep your voice even.
31:33 Jackson: What about when you're dealing with someone who doesn't respond well to assertiveness? Like, they get angry or try to guilt trip you?
31:40 Nia: This is where having a few prepared responses can be really helpful. You might say something like, "I understand you're disappointed, but my decision stands" or "I can see this is frustrating for you, and I still need to stick with what I said."
31:53 Jackson: So you're acknowledging their feelings without changing your position.
5:35 Nia: Exactly. You're being empathetic without being a pushover. And here's something important—sometimes people will test your boundaries when you first start setting them. They're used to you saying yes, so they might push back harder at first.
32:09 Jackson: Like they're trying to see if you really mean it?
32:12 Nia: That's exactly what's happening. But if you stay consistent, most people will adjust to your new boundaries pretty quickly. They might not love it, but they'll respect it.
32:21 Jackson: What about the internal work? I imagine changing these patterns requires more than just learning new phrases.
0:15 Nia: Oh, absolutely. The external changes need to be supported by internal shifts. One of the most powerful practices is what I call "values checking." Before making decisions, especially ones you feel pressured about, pause and ask yourself: "Does this align with what's important to me?"
32:44 Jackson: And if it doesn't align with your values, that makes it easier to say no?
32:49 Nia: Much easier. You're not just being arbitrary—you're being consistent with your principles. Another crucial practice is what we talked about earlier: self-compassion. When you inevitably slip back into old patterns sometimes, treat yourself with kindness rather than harsh criticism.
33:04 Jackson: Because beating yourself up just reinforces the pattern of seeking external approval to feel better?
5:35 Nia: Exactly. Remember, this is a skill you're developing, not a personality flaw you're trying to fix. And like any skill, it takes practice and patience with yourself as you learn.
33:20 Jackson: What about getting support from others? Should people tell their friends and family that they're working on being more assertive?
33:26 Nia: That can be really helpful, especially with people who are used to you always saying yes. You might say something like, "I'm working on being more honest about my limits, so if I decline something, please know it's not personal."
33:39 Jackson: That's great because it gives them context for why your behavior might be changing.
17:26 Nia: Right. And it can actually strengthen your relationships because people appreciate knowing what's going on with you. Plus, when you tell people you're working on something, it creates a bit of accountability that can help you stick with it.
33:55 Jackson: Any final tips for someone who's ready to start this journey?
33:59 Nia: Keep a journal of your assertiveness wins, no matter how small. When you successfully set a boundary or express your needs, write it down. This helps you build evidence that you can do this, which makes it easier to be assertive in bigger situations.
34:13 Jackson: I love that. You're literally documenting your progress and building confidence.
5:35 Nia: Exactly. And remember—becoming more assertive isn't about becoming a different person. It's about becoming more fully yourself. You're not adding something foreign to your personality; you're uncovering the authentic person who's been there all along.