27:36 Lena: Okay Miles, so we've talked about what it looks like to be someone's option and why we might accept that treatment. But let's get practical—how do you actually break free from these patterns?
27:47 Miles: The first step is often the hardest one, Lena—you have to get honest about what's actually happening. Not what you hope is happening, not what could happen if they changed, but what's actually happening right now, today, based on their consistent patterns of behavior.
28:03 Lena: That requires what I like to call "radical honesty with yourself." You have to be willing to look at the evidence without making excuses or creating elaborate explanations for their behavior.
1:39 Miles: Exactly. And one practical way to do this is to track their actions over time. Keep a simple log—when they reach out, how they respond to your messages, whether they follow through on plans. Patterns become much clearer when you see them written down.
28:28 Lena: That's brilliant because it takes the emotion out of it temporarily. Instead of analyzing each individual interaction, you're looking at the bigger picture. And usually, that bigger picture is pretty revealing.
28:40 Miles: Another crucial step is learning to distinguish between someone's words and their actions. People who treat you as an option are often very good at saying the right things—"I really care about you," "You're important to me," "I want to see where this goes."
28:53 Lena: Right, but their actions tell a different story. They don't make time for you, they don't prioritize your needs, they don't include you in their future plans in any concrete way. And as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.
29:06 Miles: There's actually a psychological principle called "cognitive load theory" that explains why people often say things they don't mean. When we're put on the spot, it's easier to say what someone wants to hear than to have a difficult conversation about our actual feelings or intentions.
29:20 Lena: So when you ask them directly about your relationship status or their feelings, they might give you an answer that sounds reassuring but doesn't actually commit them to anything. "I really like you" doesn't mean "I want to be exclusive with you."
29:33 Miles: And this is where learning to ask better questions becomes crucial. Instead of "Do you care about me?" try "What are you looking for in this relationship?" Instead of "Are we exclusive?" try "How do you see us moving forward?"
29:45 Lena: Those questions are harder to deflect with vague reassurances. They require someone to actually articulate their intentions and vision for the relationship.
29:53 Miles: But here's the thing—if someone consistently avoids giving you clear answers to direct questions, that is an answer. Confusion and ambiguity are choices, not accidents.
30:04 Lena: That's such an important point. When someone wants to be with you, they make it clear. When they're unsure or keeping their options open, they keep things vague and noncommittal.
30:14 Miles: Now, let's talk about boundaries, because this is where a lot of people get stuck. Setting boundaries isn't about controlling the other person's behavior—it's about deciding what you will and won't accept in your own life.
22:30 Lena: Right. You can't make someone treat you as a priority, but you can decide that you won't continue investing in someone who consistently treats you as an option.
30:34 Miles: A boundary might sound like: "I'm looking for someone who's excited to spend time with me and makes that clear through their actions. If that's not what you're offering, I need to step back and focus my energy elsewhere."
30:44 Lena: And then—and this is the hard part—you have to actually follow through. Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
1:39 Miles: Exactly. And following through often means being willing to walk away from someone you care about. It means accepting that you can't love someone into treating you better.
31:00 Lena: There's also this element of reclaiming your own life and energy. When you're fixated on someone who treats you as an option, you're probably neglecting other relationships, opportunities, and parts of yourself.
31:10 Miles: That's such a good point. Part of breaking free is redirecting that energy back toward yourself and the people who do value and prioritize you. It's about remembering that you have a whole life outside of this one relationship.
31:22 Lena: And speaking of other relationships, this is where your support system becomes crucial. The people who love you can often see these patterns more clearly than you can because they're not emotionally invested in the outcome.
31:33 Miles: But you have to be willing to listen to them, even when what they're saying is hard to hear. If multiple people in your life are expressing concern about how someone is treating you, that's worth paying attention to.
31:43 Lena: There's also the practice of what I call "future self visualization." Ask yourself: if nothing changes about this person's behavior, how will you feel about this relationship in six months? A year? Five years?
31:54 Miles: That's powerful because it forces you to consider the long-term cost of accepting poor treatment. The hope that things will change can keep you stuck, but hope without evidence is just wishful thinking.
32:05 Lena: And let's be real about something—change is possible, but it has to come from them, not from your efforts to inspire or motivate it. You cannot love someone into becoming the partner you need them to be.
9:11 Miles: Right. Sustainable change comes from internal motivation, not external pressure. If someone is going to develop the capacity for deeper commitment and consistency, they have to want that for themselves.
32:27 Lena: Which brings us to self-worth. Ultimately, accepting being someone's option is often a reflection of not fully believing you deserve to be someone's priority.
32:35 Miles: And rebuilding that sense of self-worth often requires stepping away from relationships that diminish it. It's hard to value yourself when you're constantly accepting treatment that suggests you're not valuable.
32:45 Lena: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and for them—is to walk away. It gives you the space to rebuild your sense of worth, and it gives them the opportunity to either step up or move on.
32:56 Miles: And here's something that might surprise people—often, when you stop accepting being someone's option and start walking away, their behavior changes. Not always, but often enough that it's worth noting.
33:06 Lena: Because suddenly they're facing the real possibility of losing you, not just the theoretical possibility. Your actions have shown them that there are actual consequences for treating you poorly.
33:15 Miles: But—and this is important—you can't use walking away as a manipulation tactic to get them to treat you better. You have to be genuinely prepared to lose them, because that might be the outcome.
33:26 Lena: Exactly. The goal isn't to win them back through strategic withdrawal. The goal is to protect your own well-being and only engage with people who genuinely want to be in your life.