1장
The Glass Ceiling Isn't Bulletproof: Breaking Barriers in a Man's World
Imagine walking into a high-stakes tech conference where you're the keynote speaker, yet people consistently edge you out of conversations to speak with your male colleague. Then, after your presentation, those same people suddenly find you worth approaching. This was the reality for Deborah Liu, former Facebook executive and current Ancestry CEO, who regularly experienced being sidelined despite her senior position. At a dinner with other female tech leaders, they made a pact to "make it awkward" by calling out this behavior rather than accepting it silently. Liu's journey from being overlooked to becoming one of the most influential women in tech forms the backbone of her revolutionary guide to professional empowerment. Endorsed by industry titans like Sheryl Sandberg and featured on countless business school syllabi, this book has become required reading for women navigating male-dominated industries, with its practical strategies resonating across generations of female professionals seeking to claim their rightful place at the table.
2장
Understanding the Uneven Playing Field
Women's relationship with power differs fundamentally from men's. While men are praised for seeking power, women are punished for it. The statistics tell a sobering story: women earn 10-20% less than men in identical jobs and are 25% less likely to receive requested raises despite asking as frequently. These disparities begin in childhood, where girls are called "bossy" while boys are praised as "leaders." Girls are assigned more household chores but receive less allowance. Teachers give boys more speaking time and attention in classrooms.
These entrenched expectations shape how society values women and men differently-women for helping, men for leading. Research confirms this bias: identical political biographies trigger positive reactions for power-seeking male politicians but "moral outrage" toward power-seeking female politicians. This creates a classic double bind where women must either seek power and face harsh judgment or serve quietly to earn praise.
The conditioning starts early. When Mark Zuckerberg posted about building AI, a woman commented that her granddaughters should "date the nerd" who might become successful. Zuckerberg responded that it would be better to encourage girls to BE the nerd and become inventors themselves. This exchange perfectly captures what we teach girls: marry the inventor rather than become one.
Even children's literature reinforces these stereotypes, with "girl" books focusing on princesses and friendship while "boy" books feature adventure and problem-solving. When Liu wrote her own children's book, her son advised against using a female character's name in the title because "it will be less appealing to boys." This gender bias extends to publishing, where J.K. Rowling was asked to use initials rather than her full name to hide her gender.
In corporate settings, women earn most college degrees but hold less than 10% of senior executive roles. The first critical stumble occurs at the initial management promotion-for every 100 men promoted to management, only 86 women advance, with even lower rates for Black and Latina women. When women hesitate to take management roles, many managers simply move on rather than persisting as Liu did with several qualified female candidates who initially declined promotions.
Our everyday language subtly signals who belongs in positions of power. After catching herself using the phrase "two guys in a garage" to describe startups, Liu began documenting gendered language in workplace settings. She discovered masculine phrases like "manpower" and "right-hand man" were neutral or positive, while feminine phrases like "prima donna" and "Debbie Downer" were overwhelmingly negative. When job listings use masculine language, women find them less appealing and sense they wouldn't belong.
3장
Stop Giving Away Your Power
As an Asian American woman in tech, Liu often felt out of place. At one executive meeting with eighteen men, she arrived late and hesitated at the door before taking a makeshift stool on the periphery. When another woman arrived, she nudged Liu toward a seat closer to the CEO while taking the peripheral position herself. By choosing to stay on the margins rather than risk disruption, Liu realized she was giving away her power.
Growing up as one of the few Asians in a small South Carolina town, Liu learned to make herself invisible to avoid bullying. Her family faced racism-told to "go back where they came from," receiving prank calls, and having their house vandalized. Teachers dismissed her concerns as "not that bad." This pattern continued through college, where she excelled at solitary engineering work. At Boston Consulting Group, she focused on producing quality work but struggled with client relationships.
The turning point came during business school when she wrote on an exam: "I will be an extrovert at work." At PayPal and Facebook, she forced herself to build relationships and speak up, discovering that influence came through connections rather than just quality work.
A "free pass" is giving ourselves permission to give away our power-like missing 100 percent of shots never taken. Executive coach Carol Isozaki calls these "unintentional ridiculous strategies." Despite now speaking to thousands, Carol was once painfully shy until a pizza server asked why she always looked sad or mad. This outside perspective helped her see how her shyness affected others.
Research shows words make up only 7% of communication perception, with body language (55%) and tone (38%) carrying more weight. Liu recalls when her colleague Pratiti whispered an answer during an executive meeting, which Liu repeated. Afterward, the COO admonished: "Never let her do that again. She should speak about her own work." Each meeting leaves an impression-many women leave behind only a faded, blurry picture.
Being different in a room isn't just uncomfortable-it's a superpower. Being different allows you to see what others cannot, which is a gift. However, if you allow your voice to be silenced because of discomfort, your difference becomes your kryptonite rather than your strength.
Miriam Rivera's story demonstrates how to overcome disadvantages rather than accepting limiting circumstances. Despite growing up in poverty with an abusive father, Miriam never backed down from challenges. Through educational opportunities at Chicago Public Schools and later Phillips Exeter Academy, she learned to create her own path. After Stanford and earning both JD and MBA degrees, she faced setbacks like being fired from her startup when VCs refused to fund it with her involved. Undeterred, she eventually joined Google as their second lawyer before founding Ulu Ventures, a VC fund dedicated to diverse founders that now manages over $200 million.
4장
Chart Your Own Course
Rather than following linear career paths, successful women often seek "step functions"-opportunities that allow them to leapfrog past those taking traditional routes. Peggy Alford, a prominent Silicon Valley leader who rose from accounting to becoming PayPal's EVP of global sales and a Facebook board member, demonstrates this principle. Despite facing racial and gender barriers early in her career, Peggy focused on broadening her skills rather than pursuing the next promotion, enabling her to make dramatic career jumps.
Sometimes the most impactful journey is one you must map yourself. Sapna Cheryan, a professor whose pioneering research on gender stereotypes in STEM fields began with her high school experience, exemplifies this truth. Despite excelling in computer science, Sapna noticed that she and her female classmates didn't pursue tech careers while many male classmates did. Her research revealed how stereotypical "geek culture" environments discouraged women from entering computer science. Through studies showing how classroom design and stereotypes impact women's interest in STEM, Sapna transformed how universities and companies approach inclusion.
The author shares research showing that scientists who persisted after grant rejection ultimately had equal or greater impact than those who received funding. She reflects on her own experience at Facebook where CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked her to give up large portions of her team three times, which initially felt devastating but ultimately allowed her to focus on building Facebook Marketplace into one of the most widely used websites in the world.
When facing career setbacks, it's important to allow yourself time to mourn before developing a new plan and looking toward the horizon. Rather than seeing obstacles as permanent barriers, view them as temporary challenges that can redirect you toward unexpected opportunities.
5장
Cultivate a Learning Mindset
The transition from academic achievement, where mastery is measured through grades and test scores, to the workplace where different skills matter can be jarring. Imposter syndrome affects many professionals, particularly those who are "the only" person who looks different from others in their environment. A 2020 KPMG study showed 75% of female executives experience imposter syndrome, suggesting that feeling inadequate is nearly universal in corporate life.
Liu's spontaneous decision to interview at PayPal changed her career trajectory. Despite not knowing what a product manager did, she accepted the role and confessed her inexperience to her manager Amy, who mentored her. Within weeks, PayPal was acquired by eBay, and Amy entrusted her with leading product integration and eventually managing their largest business line at just 26. This experience taught her that a learning mindset trumps expertise, as she compensated for inexperience with hard work and quick learning.
The most valuable skill is learning how to continue learning. When asked to manage teams, people often object that they can't teach what they don't excel at themselves-but even CEOs aren't better than their specialists. When Liu joined the platform team without coding skills, her manager Doug said coding knowledge was essential, yet later recommended her as his successor. Her fresh perspective and willingness to listen rather than rely on preconceived notions helped improve developer satisfaction from negative to positive ratings.
Working in unfamiliar industries became Liu's strength rather than weakness. At Facebook, she joined without understanding what "product marketing for consumer monetization" meant, but this flexibility allowed her to work across various products. When asked to lead mobile monetization despite no experience in mobile or ads, her team created mobile app ads through iteration and customer feedback. Their fresh perspective-not understanding industry practices like bot farms-led them to build a people-centric advertising model that now generates billions in revenue.
The freedom of not being an expert allows for exploration and innovation. In the marshmallow challenge, kindergarteners consistently outperform executives and MBAs because children lack preconceived notions and willingly test and iterate. Liu reframes imposter syndrome as being an "explorer"-someone willing to fail and learn from those failures as raw material for future success.
After being passed over twice for dream jobs at Facebook, Liu channeled disappointment into creating opportunities within her existing role, leading to the development of Facebook Marketplace and Facebook Pay. She shares Christine Tsai's story, who became CEO of 500 Startups after her co-founder's sudden departure amid sexual harassment allegations. Despite feeling like an impostor, Christine's loyalty to her team and investors helped her lead through adversity, doubling the firm's committed capital and growing its portfolio to include forty-one unicorn companies.
6장
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness isn't just a spiritual virtue but a pathway to reclaiming personal power. Polly Sheppard's extraordinary story of forgiveness after surviving the 2015 Emanuel AME Church shooting where nine people were killed demonstrates this principle. Rather than allowing Dylann Roof's hatred to consume her, Polly chose forgiveness, transforming her trauma into a platform for healing. Her testimony that "love never fails" helped heal a nation struggling with gun violence and racial tension.
Liu compares unforgiveness to a snake's fang embedded in skin-as long as it remains, poison continues to infect you and the wound can't heal. Though often viewed as weakness in American society, forgiveness yields psychological, physical, and emotional benefits. Dr. Loren Toussaint's research shows those with high levels of forgiveness experience fewer negative mental health outcomes during stress, and forgiveness in the workplace correlates with a 25% increase in productivity. Forgiveness isn't letting someone off the hook-it's freedom for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
Rowena Chiu built an impressive career after graduating from Oxford, but kept a devastating secret-Harvey Weinstein attempted to rape her early in her career, and she was silenced by NDAs for twenty years. She blamed herself, thinking "if only" she'd handled things differently. After two suicide attempts and years of silence, she finally shared her story publicly in 2019, inspired by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford.
Nona Jones, head of Faith Partnerships at Facebook and founder of Faith & Prejudice, endured sexual abuse starting at age five after her father died of cancer. Her mother brought the abuser back into their home even after he was jailed, leading Nona to attempt suicide twice before age eleven. She found solace in church and never planned to share her story until a college roommate's experience prompted her to open up. By extending forgiveness to her mother and the boyfriend for their abuse and neglect, Nona freed herself from anger and despair.
Forgiveness is widely misunderstood. It's not excusing bad behavior but changing your mindset toward the offender so you can move forward without anger. Forgiveness doesn't negate justice-the Emanuel families sought both grace and legal accountability for the shooter. Additionally, forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation-as Nona explained about her mother, "While forgiveness is our power, reconciliation requires both forgiveness and repentance."
Workplace forgiveness is especially challenging because, unlike personal relationships where we can minimize contact with those who hurt us, at work we're often forced to repeatedly engage with offenders. As Liu's career coach once asked when she was venting about a colleague, "When are you going to put down the backpack?"-explaining that each grievance becomes a stone we carry, weighing us down.
7장
Building Your Network of Allies
No one succeeds alone. Throughout your career, you'll meet people who accelerate your growth, create opportunities, and believe in you more than you believe in yourself. These allies-your cheer section, coaches, and partners-help you navigate the non-linear path to success and give you courage to take risks, knowing someone will catch you if you fall. The four main groups of allies in the workforce are mentors, sponsors, teams, and circles.
While mentoring relationships often develop organically, you can accelerate the process by asking someone you trust to match you with the right mentor. As a matchmaker herself, Liu first learns what the mentee hopes to achieve, then suggests appropriate mentors and makes the ask on their behalf. Senior leaders often make time for people she recommends because they know she's vetted the mentee for a learning mindset.
Mentorship is a relationship, not a transaction. Building trust with your mentor is crucial, and treating mentorship as something you only receive will cause the relationship to quickly fizzle. Your job is to make their investment worthwhile by giving feedback, following up on advice, and paying it forward.
People often confuse mentors and sponsors, but they're distinctly different. While mentors support and advise you, sponsors actively lift you up and open doors. Men are 46 percent more likely to have sponsors than women, and sponsorship can increase your chances of landing raises or stretch assignments by 30 percent. Sponsors put their reputations on the line, so they naturally look for people like themselves. With men comprising four of five executives, women face challenges finding sponsors.
Liu's first sponsor was Amy Klement at PayPal, who trusted her to lead the PayPal-eBay integration and offered her a director role despite her limited experience. At Facebook, Doug Purdy repeatedly told her "You will be a VP here someday" even when she doubted herself. Later, Sheryl Sandberg introduced her to Brad Smith, CEO of Intuit, telling her, "I can open the door, but you decide what you do with it."
Finding a sponsor is challenging because it requires mutual trust built over time. Many sponsors start as managers, mentors, or cross-functional partners who recognize your potential. You can't simply ask someone to be your sponsor-they find you. Instead, build relationships with potential sponsors by seeking their advice and demonstrating that you'll act on it.
Queen bee syndrome-the idea that women are harder on other women to protect their leadership positions-does exist but primarily when women are placed into positions by male leaders with implicit quotas. Recent studies show that when women reach senior leadership, they actually promote more women.
Who you work with matters more than what you work on. Google's research on effective teams revealed that psychological safety-not intelligence or performance-was the key factor in team success. In high-functioning teams, members can take risks without fear of judgment and have honest conversations.
8장
Embrace Your Authentic Self
We teach girls from an early age not to stand out, not to take up space. From gendered baby clothes to media where men are heroes and women are supporting characters, girls learn to conform. Liu's daughters complained about video games starring male heroes while female characters like Princess Zelda do the hard work. Even in education, teachers invest more time teaching boys, praise them more, and interrupt girls more frequently.
From childhood, girls are expected to conform to specific norms. Research reveals persistent gender bias in education: teachers interrupt girls more than boys and make more space for boys to speak. A 2015 study showed math tests graded by teachers exhibited bias favoring boys' names, leading to more boys entering STEM fields.
At work, managers give men more direct coaching and feedback, accelerating their career development. Society signals certain fields aren't for women, especially STEM. Women receive feedback about being "emotional" or "abrasive," labeled bossy when displaying the same assertiveness praised in men. These signals teach women to distrust instincts and suppress viewpoints. Yet each person possesses a unique "superpower" that makes them special, which no one can take away.
Liu struggled trusting herself because she grew up feeling different from everyone around her. At Facebook, she repeatedly pitched the idea of social commerce despite resistance. When she told her coach Katia that "I wish people could see what I see," she identified this as her superpower-seeing connections others couldn't. As one of the few moms at Facebook, she leveraged perspectives others missed. Eventually, she prepared to leave to pursue commerce elsewhere when her manager suggested pitching Facebook Marketplace to Mark Zuckerberg. That product now has over a billion monthly active users, validating her unique vision that others initially couldn't see.
Our identities are often defined by external forces early in life, but we can choose whether to embrace or reject others' labels. Sylvia Acevedo, former CEO of Girl Scouts USA and NASA engineer, refused to be defined by others' rules. Growing up in New Mexico with a Mexican-born mother and Mexican American father, she found refuge in Girl Scouts after her sister's meningitis. Despite tragedy when her father killed her mother and committed suicide, Sylvia persevered, becoming one of the first Hispanic women to earn a Stanford engineering degree.
Much of what women are taught is to suppress what makes them different. In tech, Fidji Simo stands out with couture dresses and perfect makeup in a world of hoodies. As head of Facebook app, she rose from junior roles to become one of the company's youngest VPs, eventually running the product that touched 2.5 billion users monthly. Born in a small French fishing town, Fidji became the first in her family to graduate high school. Her grit carried her through obstacles-from launching struggling products like Facebook Watch to managing a 400-person team while on six months bed rest during pregnancy due to endometriosis.
9장
Create Balance at Home
Taking back your power at work means not working the "second shift" at home. Your home life affects your success as much as-if not more than-your work life. The decision to marry someone who supports your dreams can change your life's trajectory. While dating, Liu and her husband David took a marriage survey that revealed their hidden assumptions-he expected to be the breadwinner and primary decision-maker like his father, while she assumed their marriage would mirror her parents' where her mother had the final say.
Couples spend an average of $34,000 on weddings and thirteen months planning them, but how much time do they spend discussing how their marriage will actually work? We meticulously plan wedding details like cakes and bouquets but neglect conversations about merging finances and supporting each other's careers.
Success for women starts at home. Consider two equally successful women with children-one whose husband shares household management and childcare equally, and another who handles the entire "second shift" herself. The woman with support clearly has a lighter mental load and more energy for her career.
Statistics confirm this disparity: women spend over two hours more daily on housework and childcare than men (5.7 versus 3.6 hours), even when both partners work full-time. This happens because women typically handle daily chores like cooking and cleaning, while men take on less frequent tasks like yard work.
The inequality worsens with children-mothers reduce work hours while fathers don't, affecting women during critical career advancement periods. Contrary to speculation, studies of 200,000 workers show women and men have equal ambition, but women face more barriers. The second shift creates lasting financial impacts, with mothers in the US experiencing a persistent 30% reduction in earnings.
Even in the most balanced partnerships, children challenge all assumptions about relationships. Before their first child, Liu and her husband had an equal partnership, but she worried parenthood would upset this balance-a legitimate concern when 86% of working mothers handle all family responsibilities, even those who are primary breadwinners.
When their son Jonathan was born in 2006, David surprised her by fully embracing fatherhood despite his inexperience. During Jonathan's difficult early months with reflux and feeding issues, David committed: "You take care of what goes into the baby, and I will take care of what comes out." He changed 90% of diapers for all three children and handled night feedings with pumped milk.
The concept of "nagging" reveals a fundamental relationship problem. When women are labeled as nagging for reminding partners about household tasks, they're placed in an impossible position: ask and be criticized as a nag, or silently take on more work themselves.
The solution is what Liu calls a "swim lane marriage," borrowing from the business concept of swim lane diagrams that delineate responsibilities. In this approach, each partner takes full accountability for specific household domains without micromanagement from the other. This intentional partnership requires clear communication about expectations, an agreed division of labor, and mutual trust. Most importantly, each person must forfeit the right to criticize how or when the other completes their tasks.
10장
Find Your Voice and Make Your Mark
Liu's Chinese, Christian immigrant parents raised her not to stand out, teaching that hard work would speak for itself and drawing attention was unwise. As immigrants seeking safety in a foreign land and as Christians valuing modesty, they taught her to stay quiet-a lesson she learned too well.
When her fiance David and she began premarital counseling at Atlanta Chinese Christian Church, she'd just been accepted to Stanford Graduate School of Business. The pastor harshly admonished David for "following" her to California, insisting he should have the lead career while she prepared to stay home with children.
Stunned into silence by shame, she later expressed her anger to David, who reminded her: "Your parents named you Deborah for a reason. She was the judge of Israel because God chose her to lead." He pointed out that the Proverbs 31 woman had her own business and bought land while her husband "sat at city gates."
At Facebook, Liu learned another voice lesson when their successful Facebook Credits and Games platform-which eventually generated 15% of company revenue-went unnoticed despite meeting all objectives. They had failed at something crucial: the narrative. Later, when developing Mobile App Install Ads, rather than just presenting metrics, they created a story about building an app discovery platform.
Our culture rewards those who stand out and speak up, yet women are socialized differently. The conditioning starts young-Liu's ten-year-old daughter's teacher noted math had become "a boys' club" where girls don't raise their hands. When asked why, her daughter shrugged, "The boys are just better at it."
This creates a dangerous double bind: women are interrupted 33% more than men, even on the Supreme Court. Yet when women speak assertively, studies show they're judged less competent and less qualified for leadership-by both men and women. In mixed-gender groups, women speak only two-thirds as much as men.
Taking control of your story means working backward from the end to now. Knowing what a well-lived life looks like allows you to actively strive for it every day. Making your mark involves three key components: drafting your obituary, crafting your vision, and creating annual milestones.
When companies prepare for product launches, they conduct "premortems" to identify potential pitfalls. While organizations often conduct postmortems after failures, life offers no such second chances. Writing your obituary forces you to consider how you want to be remembered and what values matter most.
Liu's own vision statement is simple: "God gave us a short time to make our mark, so I want to live each day with purpose. I want to leave people better for having met me. I am a problem solver, connector, and creator, so I will use these skills to live with no regrets."
Once you've defined your legacy, you need clear milestones to progress toward it. Our minds struggle with the concept of time-children feel it moves slowly while adults watch it fly by. Breaking down your vision into annual goals makes it achievable.
Your mark is what people remember about you. After announcing her role change in 2021, over a hundred people reached out to Liu sharing how their brief meetings had changed their paths. Many quoted words she'd forgotten saying but that had profoundly affected them.
We impact others through our words and deeds without realizing it. Your mark isn't about accolades or promotions-it's about how you affect those around you, who will carry on your mission and pay it forward. Your legacy is your voice echoing through others' lives during your short time on earth.
