The Way I Used To Be

The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith is a young adult novel that follows fourteen-year-old Eden after she is raped by her brother's best friend. The book chronicles Eden's four years of high school—freshman through senior year—as she struggles with trauma, self-destructive behavior, and the burden of keeping her assault a secret. Eden transforms from a "good girl" into someone unrecognizable, navigating broken friendships, failed relationships, and her own spiral into anger and recklessness before finally finding the courage to speak her truth.

The Way I Used to Be is best suited for mature young adult readers and adults who can handle sensitive content about sexual assault and trauma. This book resonates deeply with survivors of sexual violence, particularly those who experienced hypersexuality and rebellion as coping mechanisms. Readers who appreciated Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson or seek honest, unflinching portrayals of trauma recovery will find value in Amber Smith's debut novel. Mental health advocates, educators, and anyone seeking to understand the long-term impact of sexual assault should consider this powerful narrative.

The Way I Used to Be is worth reading for its raw, honest portrayal of trauma and survival, though it requires emotional resilience. Readers describe it as "a fucking punch in the gut" that "holds nothing back," making it extraordinarily powerful yet difficult to process. While some critics note issues with writing quality, shallow supporting characters, and oblivious parents, the book's strength lies in validating survivors' experiences and providing hope rather than neat closure. For debut fiction tackling such a challenging subject, Amber Smith delivers an important and memorable story.

Amber Smith is an author who made her literary debut with The Way I Used to Be in 2016, establishing herself as a voice for sexual assault survivors in young adult fiction. The novel emerged from Smith's desire to create a narrative that authentically represents the aftermath of rape, particularly the less-discussed responses like hypersexuality and self-destructive behavior that many survivors experience. Her work has been compared to landmark YA novels like Speak, positioning Smith as an important contemporary author addressing trauma, consent, and recovery in young adult literature.

The Way I Used to Be explores trauma, silence, and survival as its central themes. The novel examines how keeping secrets—especially about sexual assault—can destroy a person's sense of self and relationships over time. Other prominent themes include the loss of innocence, the struggle between victim and survivor identity, and the long-term psychological impact of rape on adolescent development. Smith also addresses themes of self-destruction as a coping mechanism, the rebuilding of trust, and ultimately the power of speaking one's truth after years of silence.

The Way I Used to Be portrays trauma through Eden's four-year deterioration across high school, showing how buried pain manifests in self-destructive behavior. Eden disconnects from her body, loses faith in her judgment of people, and spirals into alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, and anger as coping mechanisms. Rather than linear recovery, Smith presents a realistic, messy journey where Eden pushes away everyone who cares about her and punishes herself and others. The book ends with hope rather than complete closure, acknowledging that healing from trauma is an ongoing process, not an overnight transformation.

The Way I Used to Be is compared to Speak because both novels center on teenage girls navigating high school after experiencing rape and choosing silence over disclosure. Like Melinda in Speak, Eden in The Way I Used to Be becomes isolated, struggles academically and socially, and undergoes a transformation that alienates her from her former self. Both books are considered landmark young adult fiction for their honest, unflinching examination of sexual assault and its aftermath. However, The Way I Used to Be differs by spanning four years and exploring hypersexuality as a trauma response, whereas Speak focuses more on muteness and artistic expression.

Eden begins as a "good girl" starting freshman year, but after being raped by her brother's best friend Kevin, she transforms completely. She dates Josh, a senior basketball star, but cannot be honest with him about her feelings or trauma, leading to their breakup. Throughout sophomore and junior years, Eden's reputation deteriorates as she engages in casual sex, parties, drinking, and drugs while pushing away her best friend Mara and her family. By senior year, Eden has isolated herself completely until Kevin's girlfriend and sister reveal they are also his victims, finally giving Eden the courage to speak about her own assault.

The Way I Used to Be ends with Eden finally breaking her silence after Kevin's girlfriend and sister come forward as his victims, giving her the courage to share her own story. Rather than providing complete closure, the ending offers hope—Eden begins talking about her trauma and working toward healthier coping mechanisms. This open-ended conclusion deliberately avoids tying everything into a neat resolution, acknowledging that trauma recovery is a lifelong journey rather than a destination. The ending emphasizes that speaking the truth is the first step toward healing, not the final chapter.

Critics of The Way I Used to Be point to issues with writing quality, particularly in the prose and character development beyond Eden. Many readers found the supporting characters shallow and one-dimensional, especially Eden's parents who remain oblivious throughout the book. Some felt the pacing was uneven and that Eden's behavior became frustrating and repetitive across the four years. The open-ended conclusion disappointed readers seeking more definitive resolution, though others defended this choice as realistic. Additionally, some felt the book oversimplified complex trauma responses or relied on familiar YA tropes rather than breaking new ground.

The Way I Used to Be is appropriate for mature readers aged 15 and older due to its explicit content involving rape, substance abuse, and sexual situations. This young adult novel contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault, underage drinking, drug use, and numerous sexual encounters that may be disturbing or triggering for younger or sensitive readers. Parents, educators, and librarians should consider individual maturity levels and emotional readiness when recommending this book. While categorized as YA fiction, many adults find value in reading The Way I Used to Be for its honest portrayal of trauma and survival.

The Way I Used to Be demonstrates how unprocessed trauma destroys Eden's relationships with everyone she once loved.

• Her relationship with her brother Caelin, once her best friend, deteriorates as she cannot bear seeing him or his rapist friend Kevin together.
• Eden's romance with Josh fails because she cannot be emotionally honest or vulnerable after her assault.
• Her friendship with Mara becomes strained as Eden's behavior grows increasingly reckless and hostile.
• Even her relationship with her parents crumbles, though Smith suggests they were somewhat neglectful even before the assault.

The novel illustrates how silence and secrecy create barriers that prevent genuine connection and healing.