Chapter 4
The Relentless Pursuit of Thinness
After her challenging first day on set, Portia couldn't light a cigarette fast enough. She met her brother Michael at their favorite Mexican restaurant to celebrate. Since her husband left her for her brother's wife, Michael had moved in with her, and they kept each other company through their shared heartbreak.
She'd started smoking at fourteen to win over the cool girl at school and to suppress her appetite-a tip from her modeling colleagues. As she smoked and talked, letting the day's tension dissolve into her margarita, she decided to reward herself with nachos for fitting into that size 6 suit. The blend of cheese, sour cream, crispy corn chips and guacamole brought her peace-a moment where life had no purpose beyond pure enjoyment. She didn't stop there, ordering enchiladas too, reasoning she simply wouldn't eat the following day.
Driving home, she wondered who she was defying with her binge. "You're only hurting yourself," she thought, yet her bingeing felt like someone else would be hurt too. She stopped at 7-Eleven, having subconsciously planned this from her first bite of nachos. Since she'd already blown her diet, she might as well eat everything she'd denied herself. She'd have to throw up afterward, but she'd have to purge the Mexican food anyway.
Throwing up was something she'd learned from experienced models-a way to eat in front of clients while maintaining that naturally stick-thin look. Unlike the other girls, Portia didn't throw up because she had to eat to impress clients, but because she wanted to eat. Food was her eraser, taking away the day's insecurities and awkwardness.
When her modeling agency called about a runway show just five days away, she panicked about her 120-pound body. Not eating is easy when you have a gun to your head-she just needed to lose those five pounds, then she'd eat salads forever and never have to starve herself again. Her mother, a lifelong dieter, approved of her starvation plan-a quick-fix to quiet her nervous wailing. She taught Portia her dieting tricks: caffeinated beverages without milk, Ryvita crackers with beets, and steamed vegetables. No oil, butter or dressings-dry was in. Over five days, she consumed just 2,000 calories total and lost the five pounds.
Chapter 5
The Invisible Woman: Fame Without Identity
Walking into the wardrobe fitting room for her second day on Ally McBeal, Portia passed Jane Krakowski, whose infectious facial expressions suggested she was keeping a naughty secret. The cast seemed more like corporate businesspeople than the playful actors she'd known on previous shows. She nervously tried on the size 6 suit the tailor had taken in after her first fitting. After bingeing and purging, she feared she'd gained weight. She struggled to zip the skirt but lied that it fit.
When lunch break came, she awkwardly asked Calista and Peter where they ate, only to learn Peter napped during lunch and Calista had a phone interview. Though Calista seemed genuinely kind, Portia couldn't bring herself to admit she felt out of place. When Courtney Thorne-Smith informed her "We don't really eat lunch together here," she retreated to her dressing room, embarrassed. She grabbed her cigarettes and found a hidden spot between the chain-link fence and loading docks. There, she established what would become her lunchtime ritual-chain-smoking while hiding from everyone who made her feel awkward or evaluated.
The Emmy Awards brought new pressures. Sitting in front of the mirror for hair and makeup, she obsessed over her appearance and rehearsed scripted responses to potential interview questions. She remembered an uncomfortable moment when Greg Germann asked if she was gay, and she froze, answering "I don't know."
At the Shrine Auditorium, she felt out of place as photographers showed little interest until she dramatically posed with a fan. Interviewers asked about beauty products and fashion rather than her character, and one reporter loudly asked her publicist who she was after interviewing her. She felt embarrassed about her made-up name-Portia de Rossi-which she'd created at fifteen to sound more exotic than Amanda Rogers. Walking into the venue, she vowed to earn her celebrity name by learning more about fashion and beauty.
Chapter 6
The Descent: When Control Becomes Chaos
Driving to work, Portia obsessively grabbed at stomach fat she thought she'd gained during her first month on Ally McBeal. In her dressing room mirror, she was surprised to see her stomach was actually flat. Her moment of relief vanished when she discovered fifteen sets of revealing lingerie hanging in her wardrobe with a note saying they were for the next episode.
Panic surged through her when her makeup artist revealed she'd be doing a striptease scene. She hated everything about it-going from playing a high-powered attorney to someone desperately trying to seduce her boss. After the scene aired, she moved to a new apartment in Hancock Park, partly to escape paparazzi who had photographed her smoking. When her friend Ann described her appearance in the underwear scene as looking like a "normal, healthy woman," she was devastated-her mother had taught her these were euphemisms for "fat."
Portia bought treadmills for both her dressing room and apartment, ensuring she could run during lunch breaks and at home. This wasn't unusual-many cast members had exercise equipment in their dressing rooms. She hired a nutritionist named Suzanne, whom she'd met during a gynecologist appointment. Her doctor suggested her after Portia complained about gaining and losing seven pounds weekly.
When Suzanne asked about her habits, Portia admitted she ate 300 calories daily when preparing for photo shoots, consisting mainly of dry bread, crackers, pickles, and black coffee. She shocked Suzanne by confessing she would binge afterward and sometimes purge or take twenty laxatives. Suzanne taught her to count calories, weigh her food, eat six small protein-rich meals daily, and keep a food journal. Her approved foods included chicken, turkey, egg whites, oatmeal, and steamed vegetables. Portia left feeling relieved to have a structured program with tools-a system with no guesswork.
Chapter 7
The Breaking Point: When Achievement Becomes Destruction
Portia awoke to an unusual silence, dust particles dancing in beams of light. Though her eyes were swollen from crying herself to sleep over a humiliating L'Oreal photoshoot, she felt strangely calm-as if she'd cried for the last time. Despite her headache, she experienced a peculiar lightness, a sense that today was truly new.
For the first time, she viewed her body not as enemy but friend-the weight of a successful model and actress. With newfound appreciation, she recorded her weight in her food journal: 130. She approached breakfast methodically, lining up all possible options on the counter. Though her nutritionist Suzanne preferred she eat oatmeal and egg whites together, she decided to take more control, measuring exactly 80 calories of oatmeal instead of the standard 100-calorie packet.
She became obsessive about measurements-using a kitchen scale for oatmeal, measuring cups for egg whites, and calculating the calories in her coffee creamer. After eating, she felt satisfied and clever for having halved her morning calorie intake. While Suzanne had set her daily intake at 1,400 calories for weight loss, she reset it to 1,000. Problem solved.
Meeting with Suzanne had become an exciting ritual where Portia could showcase her "progress," though she maintained an elaborate deception. She carried two journals-her real one documenting her 600-700 daily calories with motivational notes like "YOU ARE NOTHING" and "YOU ARE A FAT UGLY DYKE," and a fake one showing 1,400 calories for Suzanne.
When Suzanne asked if she got her period regularly, Portia realized she couldn't remember the last time she had it. Suzanne's concerned expression and careful questioning about whether she'd ever seen a counselor for weight issues confused her-wasn't she already helping her? When Suzanne suggested she needed an eating disorder specialist rather than a nutritionist, Portia smiled sweetly while internally dismissing her concern, convinced she knew more about weight loss than Suzanne did.
Chapter 8
The Collapse: When the Body Says No
Portia reveled in her thinness, believing she'd earned the widespread press attention she was receiving. Though tabloids accused her of being anorexic, she dismissed this-at 100 pounds, she felt "way too heavy" for such a diagnosis. When she reached 95 pounds, she felt triumphant, documenting the achievement in her journal while preparing to visit Australia for Christmas.
On her fourteen-hour flight to Melbourne, she refused all food, pretending to sleep when meals were served. When the concerned flight attendant finally commented on her restraint ("You're being so good!"), she lied about having a stomach virus. Upon arrival, she changed into tight clothes to showcase her thin body to her mother, expecting praise for finally conquering her weight issues. Instead, her mother's face registered shock and worry-"You're too thin!" Her genuine concern initially irritated Portia, as she'd wanted approval, but then moved her deeply. For perhaps the first time, she felt truly cared about rather than valued for what she could achieve.
Christmas morning began at 4:00 AM as hunger and jet lag woke her in her hotel suite. She performed her ritual calculation of the previous day's calories consumed versus burned, feeling her protruding hip bones and ribs with satisfaction. With tremendous anxiety, she stepped on the scale after using the bathroom twice to ensure the lowest possible number. The result-89 pounds-felt "mysterious and magical," a uniquely special accomplishment.
When her family arrived bearing gifts, she congratulated herself for creating this perfect holiday experience. Despite her usual restrictions, she accepted champagne when her mother insisted, feeling momentarily exhilarated by participating in family traditions. After most guests left, panic set in about what she'd consumed. In front of her cousin Megan and brother, she began jumping and shaking her hands frantically to "work off" the food. When Megan confronted her about overreacting to eating potatoes, she fled for a run, realizing she couldn't pretend to be normal anymore.
At 82 pounds, Portia was spiraling further into her disorder. On the set of "Cletis Tout," she lived on pickles, mustard, occasional oatmeal, and a nightly glass of wine that she considered her "reward." During an action sequence filmed in the rain, her joints became so painful she could barely move between takes, yet she refused medical attention.
The emotional scene where she cried about her character's father's death hit too close to home, triggering uncontrollable tears that continued even after filming. Her physical and emotional pain overwhelmed her. She cried because she couldn't move her limbs, because she had to be carried to the makeup trailer, because she felt she'd ruined her career and her enjoyment of life. As the makeup artist removed her makeup, the lights around the mirror began to blur. She saw her pupils as ugly black dots before everything faded to black.
Chapter 9
Rising from the Ashes: Recovery and Rebirth
Portia sat in her dressing room on the Ally McBeal set awaiting test results from Dr. Andrews. Despite weighing only 98 pounds, she still obsessed over a roll of fat on her stomach. After collapsing in Toronto, she'd undergone numerous medical tests. The doctor delivered devastating news: osteoporosis, liver enzymes at cirrhosis levels, dangerous electrolyte imbalances, and an autoimmune disease called lupus. As the treadmill whirred in the background, her inner voice still demanded exercise despite her deteriorating health. But something shifted-she realized she was sick, and a sense of peace came over her. She finally told the voice to "Go to hell."
Her anorexia diagnosis was ultimately reversed-the lupus, cirrhosis, and osteoporosis all disappeared once she began eating again. Recovery wasn't just about gaining weight; it was about creating a new life worth living. The anorexic mind fights hardest during recovery, and without her mother's acceptance of her sexuality and the hope of a future relationship, she might have relapsed.
Recovery felt terrible-like giving up rather than doing something good. Unlike addiction recovery, there were no immediate benefits to getting well. Her period returned, she had digestive issues, and the fat came back. She missed her bones terribly. She went from 82 pounds to 168 pounds in ten months, swinging from anorexia to binge eating and bulimia.
She felt ashamed attending an eating disorder clinic at 125 pounds, believing she didn't deserve treatment when others were fatally ill. She lied to her therapist Carolyn Costin about her eating habits while secretly binging and purging. Through therapy, she realized she'd compromised her success and independence by starving herself to meet society's beauty standards.
At her heaviest, she felt like she was passively observing life rather than living it. She cautiously began coming out to a few gay people, reasoning her career was already damaged by her weight gain. On one brave occasion, she went to a lesbian bar and met a woman she dated for four months. Meanwhile, a paparazzo stalked her, determined to out her as gay, following her everywhere and making threatening gestures.
She met Ellen DeGeneres in 2001 at her heaviest weight. Despite their chemistry at a Rock the Vote concert where they talked and laughed together, she declined Ellen's invitation to her house, too insecure to believe she was genuinely interested. They didn't reconnect until December 2004.
After Ally McBeal ended, she joined Arrested Development and decided to tell her producers and co-stars she was gay, despite fears she could lose her job. Years later, even her 100-year-old grandmother, who had once called Ellen "disgusting," embraced their relationship and proudly displayed their wedding photo in her nursing home until she passed at 102.
Chapter 10
Finding Freedom: The Path to Self-Acceptance
Living with her girlfriend Francesca helped Portia recover from her eating disorder since she couldn't binge and purge without detection. She realized she was caught in a cycle of restricting calories followed by inevitable binges. After breaking down in their closet because she couldn't fit into size 6 pants, Francesca simply said, "Fine. I'll help you diet. But you'll only gain it back." This truth hit her hard-diets don't work. She decided never to diet again.
She began eating whatever she wanted without guilt or labeling foods as "good" or "bad." Initially she gained weight, but soon found she didn't always want ice cream or fries. She learned to listen to her body's signals and eat until satisfied, knowing any food would be available tomorrow. Within two months, her weight stabilized at 130 pounds without effort. She stopped weighing herself and obsessing about food because every food was available to her anytime-there was nothing left to think about.
While relearning to eat, she developed new hobbies focused on skill and instinct rather than appearance. She took helicopter flying lessons and rekindled her childhood passion for horses. Her horse Mae truly saved her life. Being outdoors, breathing fresh air, and riding through wooded trails changed her consciousness and helped her respect nature. Her horse mirrored her emotions-showing fear when she was afraid, refusing jumps when she was intimidated by life's hurdles, and responding to her internal anxiety rather than her verbal commands.
On August 16, 2008, Portia prepared for her wedding to Ellen. Getting into her fairytale Zac Posen dress was performed with the gravity of an ancient ritual. Her mother, beautifully dressed in teal, cried when she saw her-a sight she never imagined experiencing after learning her daughter was gay. She told Portia she was proud and loved her.
Portia's vows acknowledged how Ellen's love had changed her, teaching her kindness and compassion. She thanks God for Ellen every day-the woman she once used as an example of her "worst-case scenario." Ellen would expose her as gay and force her to live truthfully.
"I recommend inviting your worst-case scenario into your life," Portia writes. "I met Ellen at 168 pounds and she loved me for who I was inside. My two greatest fears-being fat and being gay-led to my greatest joy. Ellen saw my inner being beneath flesh and bone, reached in, and pulled me out. She didn't see an average girl who had to win races and change her name to be special. She saw someone unique and worthy of care."
When her mother asked if she was "all better now," Portia looked at her reflection and liked what she saw. She thought of Wayne Dyer's quote: "True nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be." And yes, she is better than she used to be.
