Chapter 4
Closets Within Closets: Navigating Sexuality and Fame
At fifteen, Elliot first tried to tell his mother he might be gay, but she cut him off mid-sentence, shouting "That doesn't exist!" The air was sucked from him as he sank into the passenger seat, and they never spoke another word about it. Years earlier at a soccer tournament, he'd confided to his teammate Fiona that "I think I may be bisexual," only to be immediately shut down with "No you are not" and laughter. The next morning, Fiona's popular friend called him a "dyke" - a word that stung with permanent impact.
His first kiss with a girl happened with Jessica, who worked at the Healthy Way in the Halifax Shopping Centre food court. When their lips touched beneath Saint Mary's Cathedral Basilica, he short-circuited and literally ran away, making a flimsy excuse before fleeing. Despite being the one who had sought her out day after day, watching her make his sandwiches, a single kiss made him disintegrate with shame. Later that year at a party, buzzed and determined not to be a coward, he found Jessica again. This time when they kissed, he didn't pull away but pushed in, experiencing arousal "in a way that was new."
In tenth grade, Elliot fell deeply in love with Nikki - authentic, gentle, bold, with red hair framing her face and green eyes that made his vocal cords quiver. Their relationship was filled with subtle touches and unspoken attraction. For her eighteenth birthday, he biked across the city to give her a card with lesbian innuendo and a copy of Siddhartha. They spent evenings together - sitting in her mother's car watching the sunset at Dingle Park, smoking in her backyard treehouse - moments where they almost kissed but neither leaned in. When a popular boy asked Nikki to prom, Elliot's heart split. Years later, Nikki confessed she had felt the same way, and Elliot resented that "we were cheated out of our love" by societal pressures.
When "Juno" catapulted him to fame, the scrutiny around his sexuality intensified to unbearable levels. He was horrified to read "THE ELLEN PAGE SEXUALITY SWEEPSTAKES" headline in The Village Voice, where Michael Musto speculated about his sexuality, calling him "dykey" and asking if he was "Lebanese." This public scrutiny echoed his past bullying experiences.
At twenty, Elliot met Paula at Reflections, his first and only gay bar visit for years to come. That summer, they camped on an empty island, did mushrooms around fires, and danced on the beach. Dancing with Paula, he found the boldness to ask for a kiss, experiencing what "all those poems were about" as they leaned in. He was finally approaching his true desires without self-disgust, but everything would change when "Juno" premiered.
After his success with "Juno," Elliot began living a double life. While filming "Whip It" with Drew Barrymore, he was dating Paula but keeping their relationship secret. She moved to LA as his "assistant" while he trained, caring for their Chihuahua Patti. They stayed in a modern house in the Hollywood Hills, but he was struggling mentally - overwhelmed by sudden fame, constant recognition, and paparazzi following them everywhere.
Chapter 5
Hollywood's Toxic Culture: Harassment and Exploitation
Fame brought new forms of harassment and exploitation. At twenty-seven, at a friend's birthday party in the Hills, Elliot encountered a famous actor who became increasingly hostile after learning he had recently come out as gay. The actor insisted he wasn't gay but "just afraid of men," following him around the party making explicit sexual comments and threats to "fuck him straight." Despite others witnessing this, little was done to stop him. Days later at the gym, the actor offered a hollow apology claiming not to remember anything.
This incident exemplified the industry's hostility toward his sexuality, similar to when an agent dismissed his VICE show Gaycation with "We get it, you're gay!" and when he was persuaded to reject roles that might make people think he was "a homo." The pressure to conform to feminine standards was relentless. After his first Oscars appearance for "Juno" in 2008, he was exhausted by months of campaigning and playing a role that wasn't authentic. When offered a period film role that would require feminine costumes, he realized he couldn't do it - the thought of wearing those clothes made him suicidal.
While filming the remake of "Flatliners" in 2016, dangerous negligence occurred during a car stunt scene. Elliot and Kiersey Clemons were the only cast members without proper safety restraints, yet they didn't speak up forcefully enough due to conditioning about not appearing "difficult" on expensive film shoots. The shoot was problematic from the start. A crew member told Kiersey she "only had this part because you're Black," while Elliot faced constant pressure about his appearance. During wardrobe fittings, they pushed feminine clothing like heels and skirts despite his character being a medical student. When he refused, a producer asked if he was "mad that this character isn't gay," revealing their narrow view of women.
Even in his most intimate relationships, secrecy was the norm. At twenty-six, he found himself in another deeply closeted relationship. His partner was even more secretive than he was - Elliot was saved in her phone as "Ryan," and few people knew about them. They went to extreme lengths to hide their relationship, from taking separate exits at hotels to avoid paparazzi to Elliot literally hiding in closets when room service arrived at her hotel. Despite the secrecy, they managed to have adventurous, hidden intimate moments - on rocks below Pacific Coast Highway, among boulders in Joshua Tree, even on an airplane - perhaps unconsciously yearning to be caught and forced out of hiding.
Chapter 6
Breaking Free: Coming Out and Finding Love
Coming out as gay in 2014 was liberating but incomplete. It wasn't really a choice - Elliot had to "choose to engage as his authentic self, or die not trying." After coming out, he experienced newfound confidence and bravery that allowed him to embrace experiences previously denied to him. His first proper date as an out person was revelatory - meeting a Jean Seberg lookalike at a bar in the Bowery, experiencing for the first time what it was like to date without constantly looking over his shoulder, the anxiety of "can they tell?" finally evaporated.
After a heartbreak, Elliot fell for Kate Mara, despite her having a boyfriend, Max Minghella. At a party, Kate flirted with him openly, claiming Max "didn't care." After coming out publicly as gay, Kate and Elliot began seeing each other with Max's blessing. Their first official date was electric - kissing at his house before dinner, enjoying a normal date night with "salads and french fries and tequila and wine," her presence making the room disappear.
Their relationship deepened quickly. After an earthquake, his first instinct was to text Kate to make sure she was okay - and she did the same for him. At Spike Jonze's double birthday party, they danced together on the rooftop, lost in movement, staring directly at each other in a moment where Elliot felt "the universe split open." They even began developing a film together, finding a script by Joe Barton that they both loved.
But the complications of Kate's relationship with Max created pain. When Kate brought Max to New York instead of spending time alone with Elliot as planned, he was devastated. Kate told him she loved them both, something she hadn't believed possible before. They decided to take space from each other. Eventually, Kate and Max ended their relationship, though not because of Elliot. Years later, Kate and Elliot maintain a deep friendship, despite realizing they had little in common beyond chemistry.
Chapter 7
The Mask Falls: Gender Dysphoria and Revelation
Elliot first consciously acknowledged he was transgender around his thirtieth birthday, almost four years before coming out publicly. Though he'd always been called gay and felt comfortable with queer women, something in him inherently knew he was transgender - something he'd always known but lacked words for. When he finally asked a close friend, "Do you think I'm trans?" they responded with hesitant recognition, creating "a light from under the door."
Later, his friend Star from Gaycation brought up the subject unprompted during a pool party at his home. They discussed his extreme discomfort with feminine clothing and his gender dysphoria that made him "want to die" when forced to present as feminine. Though he admitted "Yes, well, maybe. I think so" when Star directly asked if he thought he was trans, he panicked at the thought of transitioning publicly in a transphobic culture. For years he hid from this truth, especially after meeting Emma, whom he quickly married. Love became "an emotional disguise" that let him escape his gender dysphoria temporarily.
During the pandemic in New York City, Elliot was frequently addressed as "monsieur," "man," "bro," or "sir" when wearing his mask, jeans, Carhartt jacket, hoodie and beanie - until he spoke and people would quickly correct to "miss" or "ma'am." This misgendering brought him unexpected joy. He studied his shadow on sidewalks, seeing a boy in its outline - "his body, his walk, the profile with the ball cap." That shadow felt more authentic than his physical self.
With his marriage crumbling and no film work during the pandemic, he finally had space to confront his feelings about gender. In therapy, he slowly developed the ability to discuss his gender without endless sobbing. As summer arrived and masks came off, people stopped referring to him as his correct gender, leading him to contemplate top surgery.
After his marriage properly ended in June, he moved to a cabin in Nova Scotia, where the isolation and nature provided peace, though the conflict in his body remained. At Blue Sea Beach with his friend Nikki, seeing his breasts compressed in his sports bra pulled him out of the present, making him wonder, "How will I do this forever?"
Chapter 8
Rebirth: Surgery, Transition, and Freedom
With filming for "The Umbrella Academy" approaching, Elliot scheduled top surgery for November 17 after a fortuitous cancellation opened a slot. The surgery itself was remarkably peaceful - a stark contrast to the anxiety that had preceded it. In the pre-op room, he waited alone due to strict COVID restrictions, curling up in bed for three hours until it was time, finding an unexpected serenity in the solitude. His friend Mark captured a powerful moment afterward - a photo showing Elliot's undeniable contentment despite the black compression vest and freshly repositioned nipples, a visual testament to the alignment of body and identity.
During the intensive recovery period, Mark proved to be an invaluable caregiver, embodying the essence of chosen family. He meticulously monitored medication schedules, carefully measured drainage outputs, and prepared nourishing meals that brought comfort during healing. Their time together wasn't just about recovery - they found joy in creating music together with an Omnichord, turning medical convalescence into moments of artistic expression. When the day finally came to remove the compression vest and bandages, Elliot experienced a profound moment of recognition - seeing his chest as it should have always been, a physical manifestation of his true self.
The journey brought its share of challenges. Well-meaning but misguided friends made infantilizing comments like "You look adorable," reducing a profound transformation to cute observations. Others felt entitled to ask invasive questions about his body and transition. Yet the weekly ritual of testosterone injections every Friday became a grounding force, bringing a previously unknown sense of calm and alignment to his life.
His public coming out as transgender in December 2020 marked both an end and a beginning. While it resulted in painful losses - most notably the relationship with his father, who aligned himself with Elliot's critics - it also revealed unexpected sources of support. His mother's evolution from someone who had once denied his sexuality to becoming his fiercest advocate was particularly meaningful. Her journey of accepting her son completely led to her own personal growth, demonstrating how authentic self-expression can catalyze healing across generations.
The role of chosen family proved crucial during this period of transformation. When the severance of his relationship with his father pushed Elliot to a dangerous emotional brink, it was Julia, a friend-turned-family, who provided essential support. Their connection dated back to when she had offered him sanctuary in her Brooklyn loft during his rootless nineteenth year. When he spiraled into suicidal thoughts, she demonstrated the depth of chosen family bonds by immediately flying to Los Angeles to be by his side. "In a world where queerness all too often alienates us from blood," Elliot reflected, "I am grateful to Julia, and the family I have chosen. Without them, I wouldn't be here." This statement underscores the vital importance of creating and nurturing chosen family connections, especially within the LGBTQ+ community where traditional family support can be uncertain.
Chapter 9
A Portal to Authenticity: Embracing the True Self
Elliot's memoir concludes with a powerful sense of new beginnings rather than endings. He describes himself as "changing, growing, just beginning - simply wanting to exist, happier than ever." The contrast between his past suffering and present joy is stark and palpable. Where once he was trapped in a body that felt fundamentally wrong, now he experiences a freedom and peace that was previously unimaginable, describing it as "finally being able to breathe after decades of holding my breath."
The journey described in "Pageboy" transcends the specifics of gender transition - it's about the universal human quest for authenticity in a world that often demands conformity and compromise. It's about finding the courage to acknowledge your truth even when that truth contradicts others' expectations, societal norms, and even your own established life narrative. It's about the profound psychological and emotional damage done when we force ourselves to live in disguise, and the transformative liberation that comes when we finally step through what Elliot calls "the portal" to our authentic selves.
Throughout his life, Elliot had persistent moments of clarity about his identity - from trying to pee standing up at four years old to the unbridled joy of wearing a boy's Speedo at ten to the unexpected freedom he felt in his shadow during the pandemic lockdown. These weren't isolated incidents or fleeting whims but consistent expressions of his true self breaking through society's constraints. Each moment served as a small crack in the facade he had built, letting glimpses of his authentic self shine through.
The memoir delves deep into the cost of living inauthentically - the depression, anxiety, and eating disorders that plagued Elliot throughout his early career. He describes the exhaustion of constantly performing a version of himself that felt fundamentally false, comparing it to "acting a role even when the cameras weren't rolling." This performance extended beyond his professional life into his personal relationships, creating a web of partial truths that became increasingly difficult to maintain.
Perhaps most powerfully, "Pageboy" demonstrates that it's never too late to become who you truly are. Despite decades of hiding, despite a fame that magnified every aspect of his appearance, despite relationships and a career built on partial truths, Elliot found the courage to embrace his authentic self. In doing so, he not only saved his own life but created a beacon of hope and possibility for others struggling with similar journeys of self-discovery and acceptance.
As he writes near the end of his memoir: "You don't have to feel this way." This simple statement carries the weight of his entire journey. After years of taking wrong paths and living behind carefully constructed walls, Elliot finally found the portal to his authentic self - and through sharing his story, he invites readers to consider what portals might be waiting for them, what truths they might be ready to embrace, and what freedom might lie on the other side of their own authentic expression.
