Chapter 1
When Hashtags Meet Holy Matrimony: Redefining #RelationshipGoals
In an era where the #RelationshipGoals hashtag has garnered over 10 million posts on Instagram alone, Michael Todd's bestselling book challenges our social media-filtered understanding of love. As Oprah Winfrey noted after featuring Todd on her SuperSoul Sunday, "This young pastor is revolutionizing how millennials approach relationships by going back to biblical basics." The book has sold over 2 million copies since its 2020 release, with celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin publicly endorsing its principles. What makes Todd's approach so compelling is his refreshing candor-he's not afraid to share his own relationship failures alongside the wisdom he's gained as lead pastor of the 5,000-member Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At a time when divorce rates hover near 45% and dating apps dominate the romance landscape, Todd offers something radical: relationship guidance rooted in ancient wisdom yet delivered with the authenticity of someone who's navigated modern love's treacherous waters.
Chapter 2
Taking Aim: Why Most Relationships Miss The Mark
When was the last time you set a goal without having any aim? It sounds absurd, yet this is precisely how many of us approach relationships. We drift through connections without purpose, taking whatever comes rather than intentionally pursuing what's right.
The #RelationshipGoals hashtag has been trending worldwide for years, showcasing seemingly perfect couples in carefully curated Instagram posts. But these idealized images are often mirages-snapshots that hide the messy reality behind the scenes. Real relationship goals aren't found in filtered photos but in purposeful connections built on solid principles.
Growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Michael Todd received minimal guidance about relationships beyond basic prohibitions: "don't have sex until marriage" and "choose good friends." Like many of us, his relationship education came primarily from TV shows, movies, and celebrities rather than thoughtful mentoring. This entertainment-based relationship education creates a dangerous knowledge gap. We learn to chase chemistry and dramatic passion rather than compatibility and sustainable love.
What makes this particularly troubling is that the Bible actually contains the greatest source of relationship wisdom ever compiled-yet many Christians remain clueless about how to apply these principles to modern dating and marriage. The church's reluctance to address real-life relationship issues beyond basic rules has forced many to turn elsewhere for guidance.
To set proper relationship goals, we must first understand that "having a goal without aim is senseless, but having a goal with God is pointless." Our targets need to align with God's design while recognizing that goals should evolve as we grow. Many people enter relationships with checklists reflecting superficial wants rather than genuine needs-like entering the wrong destination in GPS and diligently following directions only to end up somewhere you never wanted to be.
Consider Sarah, whose unrealistic checklist for potential partners included requirements like coming from a two-parent home and being simultaneously a successful businessman and passionate preacher. Her impossible standards kept her single far longer than she'd hoped. We need goals that align with God's plan, not just our preferences.
The path to winning in relationships isn't about finding perfection but pursuing progression. Rather than wasting energy on wrong relationships or healing from failed ones, we should aim for the best possible connections from the start. This doesn't mean getting everything right immediately but moving in the right direction with divine guidance.
Chapter 3
The Foundation: Building Relationships From The Ground Up
Did you know that relationship existed before humanity did? Through the Trinity-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit dwelling together eternally-God demonstrated perfect relationship before creating humans. This establishes a profound truth: our relationship with God should come first, as all other connections flow from it.
Adam initially experienced companionship with God before any human relationships existed. Without God at the center, human connections may appear good superficially but lack the spiritual foundation needed for true fulfillment. Think about building a house on sand versus rock-both might look identical initially, but only one will withstand life's storms.
Consider Doug's story. This family friend once thrived in faith, business, and generosity-even adopting children in need. But when something shook his faith, he became increasingly pessimistic. Eventually, he stopped believing in God altogether, which led to a domino effect of relational destruction: failed business partnerships, dwindling friendships, damaged relationships with his children, and ultimately divorce. His story illustrates how our connection with God affects every other relationship in our lives.
God created everything and called it "good," but when Adam was alone, God declared "it is not good for man to be alone." This wasn't a contradiction but a revelation of God's design for human connection. Isolation makes us vulnerable to lies and attacks, while relationships with others remind us of truth and show us love. Even introverts or those hurt by past relationships need healthy connections, as Ecclesiastes teaches that two people are better than one-they help each other succeed, provide warmth, and stand together against attacks.
Interestingly, Adam had both a relationship with God and a purpose (tending the Garden) before he had a wife. Eve was created specifically as a "helper just right for him" to support his God-given purpose. Similarly, we should understand our own purpose before seeking a partner who will help fulfill it, not hinder it. Michael's parents modeled this by reversing traditional ministry roles-his mother preached while his father supported her from the background, each helping the other fulfill their purpose.
Purpose isn't fully revealed at once but unfolds gradually through sensing God's direction, involvement in service, and affirmation from others. Sometimes even difficult circumstances are part of God's training. Importantly, relationship itself is a purpose-we're meant to build into others' lives while they build into ours.
God's intended relationship progression follows this path: singleness, dating, engagement, marriage, love, then children. This sequence contradicts our culture's approach, where we often rush through stages or rearrange them entirely. Each stage has unique value when God is at the center-a truth we'll explore throughout this book.
Chapter 4
The Single Season: Preparation For Partnership
When was the last time you heard someone celebrate their singleness? Our culture often treats being single like having a disease that needs immediate curing. Dating apps, matchmaking services, and well-meaning relatives all reinforce the message that being alone is a problem to solve rather than a season to embrace.
Singleness isn't a waiting room for "real life" to begin-it's a crucial construction period for building a strong foundation for future relationships. This season allows you to discover both positive and negative aspects of yourself. Jesus taught that loving your neighbor "as yourself" means you can only love others to the degree you love yourself. This self-love comes from understanding God's love for you and accepting who He created you to be.
Consider Diamond's story-a successful finance manager who overcame sexual abuse and a wild lifestyle after finding Christ. She intentionally stopped dating to focus on healing, discovering herself, and developing her gifts. This "reset" of her relationship values allowed her to finish her education and establish her career. Now dating again, she approaches relationships with purpose, seeking men who will help her become the woman she's meant to be in Christ.
There's an important distinction between being single (without a romantic partner) and being alone (without companionship). Single people often have rich friendships and, most importantly, God's presence. Marriage will always involve growth and revelation of our flaws-as Michael shares how his wife continuously reveals his shortcomings-but preparing well during singleness can make the process smoother.
Many people view marriage as an escape from loneliness or a solution to their problems. With nearly 45% of American marriages ending in divorce, it's clear that successful marriages require proper preparation during singleness-learning patience, self-control, and addressing personal insecurities. When broken people rush into relationships expecting their partner to "fix" them, they often end up more broken together.
Singleness provides time for three key "I" activities: invest, imagine, and inspire. Singles can invest in non-romantic friendships and creative passions, imagine future possibilities like financial freedom or travel, and inspire others through mentoring and sharing their stories. Drawing from his own experience prioritizing music over basketball in high school, Michael emphasizes that singleness allows for focused personal development while maintaining friendships.
The duration of singleness varies by person, but its importance remains constant. It's not wasted time but necessary preparation that requires patience, just like a good holiday meal that can't be rushed without ruining the result.
Chapter 5
Dating With Purpose: Transportation, Not Destination
Have you ever stayed in a relationship simply because you'd already invested so much time in it? Michael shares his "ten months of insanity" when he broke up with his future wife Natalie to date other women. This decision resulted in both becoming sexually active with others and caused ten years of insecurity in their eventual marriage-a painful consequence of dating without clear purpose.
Dating should be transportation to a destination (marriage), not the destination itself. Using an airport tram analogy, dating is meant to take you to covenant commitment, not be a permanent state. Many people sit too long in dating relationships that weren't designed for extended stays, afraid to either progress toward marriage or "get off at terminal B" and walk away.
Recreational dating-characterized by one-night stands, casual hookups, and short-term relationships with little thought of the future-can be devastating, causing hardened hearts, diminished self-esteem, and distance from God. As 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns, "Bad company corrupts good character." Relationships with the wrong people can discourage dreams and corrupt character, leading to what Michael calls the "dating deficit"-where modern dating fails to deliver what it promises.
Instead, dating should glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31), involving intentional evaluation of relationships to either end misguided ones or move promising ones toward marriage. This requires guarding your heart (Proverbs 4:23) through boundaries, as your heart "determines the course of your life." Two critical questions emerge: Is the person you're dating bringing glory to God? And is how you're dating bringing glory to God?
The Bible warns against being "unequally yoked" in dating relationships, comparing it to farmers pairing compatible oxen to pull effectively in the same direction. Partnering romantically with someone who doesn't share your faith isn't just problematic-it's "war" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). While Christians should befriend non-believers, romantic partnerships with those having different spiritual loyalties create tension and risk pulling believers away from Christ. Michael offers a simple rule: "If he's not mateable, he's not dateable."
Consider Brandon and Taylor, two Christians with troubled relationship histories who wanted to date differently. Michael introduced them to "intentional friendship"-a structured approach to dating that begins with friendship as the cornerstone. Despite their past sexual relationships and personal struggles, the couple followed a 90-day program, discussing fears, setting boundaries, and exploring compatibility. Their intentional approach led to marriage a year later.
This 90-day intentional friendship process counters the "dating deficit" caused by recreational dating. It includes working with a trusted married couple as advisers and following three key steps: 1) Discuss relationship fears by sharing greatest concerns; 2) Agree on boundaries including curfews and physical limitations; and 3) Have focused conversations using relationship books to facilitate discussion. After 90 days, couples should evaluate whether to continue dating or end things, focusing on "patterns, not potential" in their assessment.
Chapter 6
When To Walk Away: Recognizing Dead-End Relationships
What if the hardest part of relationships isn't finding someone but knowing when to let them go? Dating shouldn't continue indefinitely-it should either lead to marriage or end. Yet we often waste precious time in relationships that don't benefit us long-term, unable to see problems while in the midst of emotional attachment.
T and Valeria's relationship seemed perfect from the outside-both were spiritually mature individuals serving in ministry. Yet their relationship deteriorated into emotional turmoil because they prioritized their dating relationship over their individual relationships with God. Their story demonstrates how even good people can have terrible relationships when they lose proper spiritual priorities.
Relationships either bless or curse us-God sends people to bless us while negative influences can distract or destroy us. We must evaluate whether relationships push us toward or away from God's purpose, distinguishing between relationships that are assets versus liabilities. As Michael discovered, "some of the problems you face are a result of the people you embrace."
The biblical story of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar illustrates two fundamental reasons for ending relationships: First, when you realize you started it and God didn't-like Abraham and Sarah's impatience leading them to create their own solution instead of waiting for God's promise. Second, when the relationship is "picking on your promise"-like Ishmael bullying Isaac, representing how unhealthy relationships can threaten God's intended blessings for us.
Consider Ben's story. This forty-something man proposed to his girlfriend Tina after five years of dating, yet felt deeply unhappy about it. After consulting a mentor, Ben recognized he'd been ignoring red flags like Tina's emotional neediness and her dislike of his friends. When Ben attempted to pause their engagement, Tina ended the relationship entirely. His experience shows it's better to evaluate relationships earlier rather than later, but "better late than never."
Abraham's handling of his separation from Hagar provides three principles for healthy breakups: 1) End it quickly-Abraham acted immediately once he knew God's direction; 2) End it kindly-Abraham provided food and water, showing generosity even in separation; and 3) End it cleanly-Abraham made a definitive break without ambiguity. Vague endings that leave doors open often cause more pain than clean breaks.
Breaking up is emotionally difficult, but if God wants you out of a relationship, He'll help you through it and bless both parties. Using Abraham's story, we see how God promised to bless both Isaac and Ishmael after their separation. Ending unhealthy relationships allows everyone involved to proceed toward their God-given purposes-and breaking up is ultimately easier than living with the consequences of remaining in a relationship God never intended.
Chapter 7
Sex, Soul Ties, And Surrender: The Invisible Bonds
Have you ever wondered why you couldn't stop thinking about an ex-partner long after the relationship ended? Or why casual hookups never feel quite as casual as they're supposed to? Michael confronts the casual approach to sex in modern society, acknowledging the devastation it causes: broken hearts, divorce, disease, and emotional damage.
Sex is like water-powerful when properly contained and channeled, but destructive when uncontained. Marriage is God's designed "container" for sexuality, referencing Jesus's teaching in Mark 10:6-9 about a man being "joined to his wife." This joining creates a profound spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness that's meant exclusively for marriage, not casual relationships.
What seems like "sexual freedom" is actually slavery to sex. Sexual impurity rarely comes alone-it brings deception, manipulation, and unbelief, as demonstrated even in King David's life when adultery led to lying and murder. The naturalistic argument that sex is simply a bodily function like eating fails to recognize that while food was made for the stomach, our bodies were made for the Lord, not for sexual immorality.
Patrick's story illustrates how casual sex made him emotionally numb, causing him to lose pieces of himself with each encounter. After hearing a preacher compare people who've had many sexual partners to picked-over chicken nuggets, Patrick committed to purity until marriage. Similarly, Kimberly and Spencer discovered how pornography disconnected them during intimacy as they replayed pornographic scenes in their minds rather than being present with each other.
Soul ties form when someone allows their soul (mind, will, and emotions) to become attached to someone or something influential. Sexual soul ties outside marriage are particularly destructive, creating invisible strings that pull people back toward former partners and hinder God's purpose for their lives. Sex creates a marriage-like bond even without formal commitment, referencing 1 Corinthians 6 where Paul applies Genesis 2:24 ("two become one flesh") to casual sex.
When people have been sexually intimate, separating is like ripping apart glued paper-messy and damaging, leaving emotional fragments behind. This manifests in ongoing connections despite breakups: sharing children, stalking behaviors, jealousy, medical issues, depression, trust problems, humiliation, self-doubt, spiritual disconnection, and lost identity.
For believers united with Christ, our sexual sin involves Him directly-"you cannot separate sex and Savior." This uncomfortable truth means that when we engage in sexual sin, "Christ is right there with you." Breaking soul ties requires God's resurrection power. Referencing 1 Corinthians 6:13-14, Paul mentioned resurrection specifically to encourage those struggling with sexual temptation: "If God has the power to raise Jesus's body and later raise your body from the dead, then He has enough power to help you manage your body while you're living!"
Chapter 8
The Marriage Triangle: 1 + 1 + 1 = 1
What if marriage isn't about two halves making a whole, but two whole people plus God creating something entirely new? Marriage is a triangle equation: 1 + 1 + 1 = 1, where one whole man plus one whole woman plus God creates one healthy marriage. God's presence enables both spouses to fulfill their individual purposes while growing closer to each other.
The triangle metaphor illustrates that as each partner draws closer to God at the apex, they naturally draw closer to each other-but importantly, one spouse cannot "pull up" the other spiritually. Marriage is a lifetime process of becoming one, with partners serving as cheerleaders rather than competitors in their spiritual journeys.
God designed marriage for oneness: one God, one man, one woman, one marriage, one sex partner, one flesh, one lifetime to create one picture. This picture reflects Christ's relationship with the church-a beautiful reproduction of the masterpiece original. Marriage was always meant to include God as the focus and third partner, demonstrating that true love manifests through sacrifice and giving rather than taking. Both spouses must "die to self" daily, putting their own desires aside for unity.
Contrary to cultural messaging, full, mature love develops after marriage, not before. Pre-marital emotions often attach to idealized versions of partners or confuse lust with love. Like our relationship with God that deepens after entering covenant with Him, marital love solidifies through commitment. Marriage provides the secure container where love can grow through transparency, shared dreams, hardships, and ongoing sexual intimacy.
Children should be born from love, not dysfunction. Michael warns against having children for wrong reasons: to fill emotional voids, gain attention from unresponsive partners, or through carelessness. While acknowledging single parents and God's redemptive power, the marriage triangle provides the optimal foundation for raising healthy children, breaking generational curses of dysfunction.
For believers married to non-believers, Michael offers practical advice: continue loving your spouse without judgment, negotiate issues like church attendance with care, and never stop praying for your spouse's heart to change. Sheila's story demonstrates this-she faithfully loved her military husband Brian despite his drift from faith, which eventually led to restoration after she shared the Relationship Goals sermon series with him.
Satan's plan is to divide marriages while God's plan is to unite them. The Enemy targets marriage because it represents Christ's love for the church-like someone defacing a masterpiece. While God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), Jesus allowed it only for adultery. Even then, reconciliation remains possible through forgiveness.
Many couples drift apart after children leave home because they've neglected their relationship. Michael advises married couples to "go back to the beginning" by continuing personal growth and intentionally dating each other throughout marriage. This keeps the relationship fresh and allows couples to connect beyond daily responsibilities.
Chapter 9
The Keys To Lasting Love: Practical Marriage Wisdom
Have you ever wondered why some marriages thrive for decades while others crumble within years? Michael and his wife Natalie share their combined wisdom on marriage, explaining that successful marriages require consistent hard work and sacrifice-creating a paradox similar to how God works throughout scripture, bringing together contrary elements to create something beautiful.
Understanding the difference between wants (desires) and needs (necessities) is crucial in marriage. Men and women have different needs that must be met unconditionally. For women, these needs include security (emotional, physical, and financial safety), affection (non-sexual demonstrations of desire for oneness), and communication (empathetic listening rather than problem-solving). For men, the needs are honor and respect (being held in high regard even when failing), support (through presence, encouragement, wisdom, and prayer), and sex (which Paul describes as a mutual obligation in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
Quality communication requires understanding each other's love languages. Michael's wife's primary love language is quality time (scoring 12) while his is physical touch and words of affirmation. Natalie creatively addressed this by placing affirming Post-it notes on his bathroom mirror. Speaking your partner's love language takes effort but transforms relationship satisfaction. The power of words is crucial-they either build up or tear down your spouse. Even in difficult times, finding something positive to say helps both partners remember why they chose each other.
Conflict is inevitable but can be healthy if it prevents secret resentment. Unspoken expectations are relationship killers, illustrated by Michael's story of becoming furious when Natalie bought herself a drink without getting one for him-ruining their date night. Expressing primary emotions (hurt, disappointment) rather than secondary ones (anger, frustration) and using gentle, humble language instead of accusatory "fluff" sets couples up for resolution rather than defensiveness.
The marriage triangle equation (1 + 1 + 1 = 1) creates oneness through three elements: Ownership (acknowledging God owns the relationship while spouses fulfill biblical roles), Nurture (cultivating the relationship through prayer, service, and expressions of love), and Evolve (growing and changing together). This creates "one picture of heaven on earth"-a relationship goal worth pursuing for life.
Chapter 10
Hitting The Bull's-Eye: Your Relationship Future
What if your past relationship failures don't determine your future relationship success? Michael encourages readers who've made life-altering relationship decisions while reading this book, assuring them they can hit their "bull's-eye" regardless of past mistakes. The key is placing trust in God rather than in oneself, social media, or dating apps.
God's grace can incorporate past mistakes into His plan, comparing relationship growth to a dance move called "the Wobble" where the critical part is "the turn"-repenting by turning from destructive patterns toward Jesus. This turn represents the moment we decide to align our relationship goals with God's design rather than cultural expectations.
The #RelationshipGoals hashtag will continue trending on social media, showcasing seemingly perfect couples in carefully filtered photos. But true relationship goals aren't found in Instagram posts-they're built through intentional choices, divine guidance, and persistent effort. Whether single, dating, engaged, or married, the principles in this book provide a roadmap for relationships that honor God and fulfill His purpose for our lives.
As we close this journey through Michael Todd's relationship wisdom, remember that relationship goals aren't about perfection but progression. They're not about finding the right person but becoming the right person. And most importantly, they're not about following cultural trends but following God's timeless design for human connection.
The next time you see #RelationshipGoals trending online, you'll have a different perspective-one that looks beyond the filtered photos to the real work of building relationships that last. With God at the center of your relationship triangle, you have everything you need to hit the bull's-eye in your relationships, creating connections that not only satisfy but also reflect God's love to a world desperately in need of authentic relationship models.
