I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman Summary

1. Splitting causes borderlines to see people as entirely good or bad.
2. Borderline personality disorder creates emotional hemophilia that prevents mood regulation effectively.
3. Fear of abandonment drives the core I hate you don't leave me dynamic.
4. Borderlines lack stable identity and adopt chameleon-like personalities around others.
5. Kreisman's book was the first to introduce BPD to mainstream audiences.
6. Intense idealization quickly shifts to complete devaluation in borderline relationships.
7. Self-destructive behaviors serve as desperate attempts to escape chronic inner emptiness.
8. Borderlines experience violent mood swings from euphoria to suicidal depression rapidly.
9. The book explains BPD through detailed case studies like Jennifer and Carrie.
10. Understanding borderline splitting helps families recognize the all-or-nothing thinking pattern.
11. Kreisman identifies childhood trauma and abandonment as common BPD origins.
12. The revised edition offers professional advice for coping with borderline personality disorder.

About the Author

Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., is the bestselling author of "I Hate You—Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" and a leading psychiatrist specializing in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). His pioneering work introduced BPD to the public, offering compassionate insight into this complex mental health condition affecting an estimated 10 million Americans.

As an Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, Dr. Kreisman brings decades of clinical expertise to his writing.

Beyond this groundbreaking book, he has authored "Sometimes I Act Crazy" and "Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder," extending practical guidance to patients and their families. His work has reached global audiences through lectures and media appearances, including The Oprah Winfrey Show. "I Hate You—Don't Leave Me" has been translated into multiple languages and remains a classic text widely recommended by mental health professionals worldwide.

FAQs About This Book

What is I Hate You—Don't Leave Me about?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman is a comprehensive guide to understanding Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). First published in 1989 and now in its third edition, the book explores the emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and identity struggles that characterize BPD. Kreisman combines clinical expertise with accessible language to help readers recognize BPD patterns and offers practical strategies for communicating with and supporting individuals who have the disorder.

Who is Jerold J. Kreisman and why is he an authority on BPD?

Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., is a renowned psychiatrist and leading international expert on Borderline Personality Disorder. He serves as Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and has been designated a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His bestselling books on BPD have been translated into multiple languages and sold over 300,000 copies worldwide. Kreisman has lectured internationally and appeared on major media platforms including The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Who should read I Hate You—Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me is essential reading for family members, partners, therapists, and friends of individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder. Mental health professionals seeking deeper clinical understanding of BPD will find valuable insights, while those personally affected by BPD can gain self-awareness and validation. The book serves anyone struggling to understand the intense emotional patterns and relationship challenges associated with BPD, offering both theoretical knowledge and practical communication tools.

Is I Hate You—Don't Leave Me worth reading in 2025?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me remains a foundational text on Borderline Personality Disorder, with the third edition updated in 2021 to reflect current research and treatment advances. The book has sold over 300,000 copies and continues to be recommended by mental health professionals worldwide. While some readers note certain aspects feel dated, the core insights into BPD emotional patterns and relationship dynamics remain relevant and valuable for understanding this complex disorder in contemporary contexts.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder according to I Hate You—Don't Leave Me?

According to Jerold J. Kreisman in I Hate You—Don't Leave Me, Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by a weak sense of identity, intense fear of abandonment, and rapid mood swings. Individuals with BPD experience emotional instability so severe that Kreisman describes it as "emotional hemophilia"—lacking the ability to moderate intense feelings. The disorder involves difficulty tolerating solitude, leading to relentless loneliness that can only be relieved by others' physical presence, often resulting in turbulent relationships.

What does "emotional hemophilia" mean in I Hate You—Don't Leave Me?

The "emotional hemophilia" metaphor in I Hate You—Don't Leave Me illustrates how individuals with BPD lack emotional regulation mechanisms. Kreisman explains that just as hemophiliacs lack blood clotting factors, people with BPD lack the psychological "clotting mechanism" to moderate emotional responses. When feelings are triggered, they experience uncontrolled emotional bleeding—intense reactions without natural boundaries. This vivid comparison helps readers understand why BPD individuals may have disproportionate responses to seemingly minor events or perceived rejections.

What are the main insights about fear of abandonment in I Hate You—Don't Leave Me?

Jerold J. Kreisman describes fear of abandonment as the central dynamic in Borderline Personality Disorder throughout I Hate You—Don't Leave Me. This terror of being left alone creates the paradoxical "I hate you—don't leave me" pattern where individuals push people away while desperately needing connection. The book explains that when alone, those with BPD lose their sense of continuity, confidence, and even reality, making solitude psychologically unbearable. This insight helps loved ones understand seemingly contradictory behaviors.

How does I Hate You—Don't Leave Me help families communicate with BPD loved ones?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me provides practical communication strategies for managing the intense emotions and conflicts that arise with Borderline Personality Disorder. The third edition specifically includes advice for setting boundaries, expressing needs effectively, and responding to emotional crises without enabling destructive patterns. Kreisman emphasizes understanding the underlying fear and pain driving BPD behaviors rather than taking attacks personally, helping families develop compassion while maintaining healthy limits in their relationships.

What role does loneliness play in BPD according to I Hate You—Don't Leave Me?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me explains that individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder experience profound metaphysical loneliness that cannot be conquered through typical means. Kreisman cites theologian Paul Tillich's insight that "loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude," noting that borderlines find solitude intolerable. This drives them to seek constant companionship in singles bars or crowded places, often with disappointing or violent results, as they desperately try to fill an internal void that external presence can only temporarily relieve.

How does I Hate You—Don't Leave Me compare to Jerold Kreisman's other books?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me serves as Kreisman's foundational introduction to Borderline Personality Disorder, while his follow-up Sometimes I Act Crazy focuses more on living with BPD from the patient's perspective with practical coping techniques. His later book Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder specifically addresses communication skills for family members. Together, these books form a comprehensive trilogy—I Hate You—Don't Leave Me provides understanding, Sometimes I Act Crazy offers self-management tools, and Talking to a Loved One delivers relationship strategies.

What are the key symptoms of BPD described in I Hate You—Don't Leave Me?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me identifies core Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms including unstable sense of identity, fear of abandonment, rapid mood swings, and difficulty tolerating aloneness. Kreisman describes how continuity and connectedness cease when borderlines are alone, with confidence and reality perception slipping away like "sand falling through fingers". The book details impulsive behaviors, intense and unstable relationships, inappropriate anger, and chronic feelings of emptiness that characterize the disorder, helping readers recognize patterns in themselves or loved ones.

Why has I Hate You—Don't Leave Me remained influential since 1989?

I Hate You—Don't Leave Me has maintained its status as the definitive guide to Borderline Personality Disorder for over 35 years because it combines rigorous clinical knowledge with accessible, compassionate explanations. Published when BPD had only recently entered official psychiatric classification in 1980, Kreisman's book filled a critical gap in public understanding. Its innovative use of metaphors like "emotional hemophilia" and the paradoxical title itself capture the disorder's essence in memorable ways. The third edition's updates ensure continued relevance while preserving the original's groundbreaking insights.