Chapter 4
Trust: The Foundation of Everything
Being a parent is undeniably hard. One morning while watching her grandchildren during her daughter's work trip, Wojcicki navigated fierce Bay Area traffic driving kids to schools on opposite sides of San Francisco, followed by walking the dog, giving antibiotics to sick cats, and cleaning up breakfast. Times have certainly changed since her own children walked to school independently.
We're experiencing a profound crisis of trust in the digital age that affects how we parent. We don't trust our instincts, our partners, our children, or our communities-and we pass this fear to our children, leaving them anxious and unprepared for adulthood. This erosion of trust damages mental health, relationships, business, and democracy itself.
The 2018 Edelman "Trust Barometer" showed America's steepest decline in institutional trust ever measured. Only 52 percent of Americans trust their neighbors, and just 19 percent of millennials believe most people can be trusted. Even in safe communities like Palo Alto, children rarely play outside or walk to school anymore. Parenting blogs obsess over daycare dangers and nanny-cams.
Despite our fears, statistics tell a different story. Steven Pinker's research shows humanity is actually improving-we live longer, fight fewer wars, experience less crime and violence against women, while education and literacy rates rise. FBI data confirms violent crimes have fallen since 1990, though most Americans believe crime is increasing.
Trust begins with trusting yourself. You are the foremost expert on your family-more than any pediatrician, neighbor, or parenting expert. Only you can determine how to apply universal principles to your unique situation. When Wojcicki's grandson wasn't talking at two and a half, his parents took matters into their own hands after speech therapy showed limited progress. They read to him constantly and gave him audiobooks with headphones, which he loved. After three months, he finally started speaking-not in single words but complete sentences. Now he's a voracious reader, class leader, and debate team member.
Building trust in your child is equally crucial. One person who believes in a child can change everything. Michael Wang, a former student of Wojcicki's, lacked that person for most of his childhood. With strict parents who threatened homelessness if he failed and unsupportive teachers who misinterpreted his struggles as moral failings, Michael was "completely burned out like a pile of ash" by high school. During a newspaper production night, when peers mocked Michael for struggling with music theory homework, Wojcicki simply said, "He's taking longer because he's smart." That moment transformed him. For the first time, an adult confirmed his intelligence and abilities. This newfound confidence carried him through Johns Hopkins, where he earned a neuroscience degree and became a neuropsychiatric researcher.
Chapter 5
Respect: Honoring Your Child's Unique Journey
Children develop on their own timelines. When Wojcicki's grandson Jacob refused to walk at 18 months despite being physically capable, the family worried. Though the doctor assured them he was healthy, Jacob showed no interest in walking. His passion was basketball-he loved when adults would hold him up to make baskets. At Gymboree one day, after watching other kids play basketball, he suddenly stood up and ran to grab a ball! He'd been capable all along but needed his own motivation.
Parents need to calm down. Kids will walk, talk, and use the bathroom in their own time. Respect means accepting your child as an autonomous person with their own developmental timeline. Let children take the lead-they know who they are.
This patience becomes crucial as they grow. When Wojcicki's daughter Anne, a Yale biology graduate, decided to become a professional babysitter after college, posting handwritten ads at their local club, Wojcicki was concerned about her using her education. When she suggested a job fair, Anne reluctantly went and got offered a biotech investment position in New York. To Wojcicki's dismay, Anne initially declined it because she loved the families she worked for. Wojcicki forced herself to respect her daughter's choice, even buying her a "BEST BABYSITTER" t-shirt. After a few weeks of reflection, Anne called the company back, interviewed with Marcus Wallenberg himself (in shorts and flip-flops!), and began a career that led her to Wall Street.
Parents often project their own dreams onto their children instead of seeing them as unique individuals. This pressure contributes to teen depression and suicide rates, which have increased dramatically. According to the Department of Health and Human Services, about three million teens experienced major depression in 2016, while the CDC found suicide was the second leading cause of death for 10-24 year-olds, with rates increasing 28% between 1999-2016.
Respecting children means finding and nurturing their unique interests. For Caleb, a struggling freshman who "hated school," discovering his passion for shoes transformed him from disruptive to engaged. Simply having a teacher who believed in him and respected his interests helped him find purpose. Now he's in community college planning to become an electrician.
Respecting children becomes increasingly complex with multiple children, as each needs individual attention and differentiation from siblings. Birth order significantly impacts development-firstborns often conform while younger siblings may rebel. However, parental expectations matter more than birth order. Wojcicki expected excellence from all three daughters, regardless of position, while encouraging them to pursue their own interests.
Chapter 6
Independence: Don't Do Anything for Your Children That They Can Do for Themselves
In 2014, Wojcicki debated Amy Chua, author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," at the Ciudad de las Ideas Festival before 7,000 people. Their parenting philosophies couldn't be more different-Chua represents the controlling "tiger mother" approach where parents dictate children's activities and demand perfection, while Wojcicki advocates for independence and self-direction.
Chua's strict methods troubled Wojcicki, from forbidding playdates to demanding only As and first-place rankings. While her daughters achieved impressive accomplishments like performing at Carnegie Hall, they struggled with rebellion and feeling trapped. This controlling approach parallels the troubling "helicopter" or "snowplow" parenting trends that Julie Lythcott-Haims describes as producing "existentially impotent" college students unable to function independently.
Children need responsibility early and often. Wojcicki's daughter Susan became her "baby monitor" at 18 months, calling when baby Janet cried. All her daughters had chores-folding diapers, washing dishes, making beds (however imperfectly). When grocery shopping, they'd select produce and understand the family budget. She let them decorate their own rooms-Susan chose hot pink shag carpet, Janet royal blue, and Anne lime green. They learned to live with their choices.
Independence fosters entrepreneurship, as seen with her daughters' childhood lemon business and her grandchildren's ventures-Mia selling slime and Leon working at an arcade. These projects stem from curiosity and independent thinking, qualities that many students today often lack. Many struggle with basic free-writing assignments, unable to generate their own topics without worrying about grades.
To address this widespread issue, Wojcicki bought 2,000 notebooks for daily free-writing at Palo Alto High. Though students initially found it challenging, they eventually embraced forming their own opinions and thinking independently. This curiosity is crucial-children need to understand why they're learning something, not just focus on test performance.
Parents can nurture curiosity by encouraging questions without necessarily providing immediate answers. "Let's find out together" is a powerful response. Unfortunately, creativity diminishes dramatically as children progress through our educational system-from 98% showing genius-level imagination at age five to just 2% of adults maintaining creative thinking skills.
Wojcicki's ultimate goal as a teacher and parent is to make herself obsolete-to develop such independence in children that they no longer need her. Rather than being a "sage on the stage," she positions herself as a "guide on the side," empowering students to take charge. In her classroom, editors-in-chief run the show-taking attendance, setting the tone, and determining the day's structure. This approach gives students agency and real responsibility.
Chapter 7
Giving Your Child Grit: The Power of Resilience
When fourteen-year-old Gady Epstein couldn't fit Beginning Journalism into his schedule, he persuaded Wojcicki to create an independent study just for him. His dedication was impressive-he'd sprint across campus to find her at lunch for feedback on his writing. With his passion for journalism and willingness to revise until perfect, Gady thrived.
Despite his talent, Gady lost the election for editor in chief-a devastating blow for someone who dreamed of becoming a journalist. Rather than giving up, he declared he would still work to make the school newspaper the best it could be. He became the staff's most valuable member, writing exceptional articles and helping anyone who asked. His character and determination impressed Harvard, who accepted him despite not having the fancy title or perfect GPA.
Gady's story exemplifies how to cope with disappointment without losing sight of your goals. It's your reaction to setbacks that matters-the only thing you can truly control. This resilience, combined with passion and perseverance, is what Angela Duckworth calls "grit."
While some people naturally develop grit through adversity (like immigrants or those who've overcome significant challenges), children raised in comfortable environments often struggle to develop resilience. Today's overprotective parenting has produced children afraid to take risks, while schools focused on assessments rather than learning reinforce fear of failure.
Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, distinguishes between fixed mindsets (believing abilities are innate) and growth mindsets (believing success comes through effort). She's noticed an alarming trend of students being "terrified of making mistakes"-a sentiment Wojcicki has observed in her own classroom.
Business leaders and camp directors report similar concerns about young people lacking independence and resilience. The problem exists at both extremes: either children have no grit because everything is done for them, or they develop fear-based grit from excessive parental pressure to achieve perfection.
True grit comes from a child's own passion-when they're encouraged to pursue their interests and understand that mistakes are part of learning. This inner-motivated grit makes them unstoppable, helping them persevere through obstacles with resilience and determination.
Chapter 8
Collaboration: The Power of Working Together
In Wojcicki's classroom, collaboration became the foundation for success. When her journalism program received seven Macintosh computers through a state grant in 1987, students and parents worked together after school and on weekends to master the technology. The Gill brothers and their father from Aldus Corporation helped them learn PageMaker for newspaper layout. They became computer pioneers, spending six weeks setting up equipment and organizing files. When problems arose, students and Wojcicki would visit Fry's electronics store together, developing impressive IT skills.
She created a mentorship system pairing beginning "cubbies" with advanced students who were responsible for teaching them everything. This approach worked brilliantly-when a cubbie's work needed improvement, she'd tell their mentor to help them revise it. Students like Byron Zhang, who immigrated from China, gained confidence through this mentorship. Later, she expanded this to peer writing critiques, and her students became early users of what eventually became Google Docs.
Many people mistakenly believe total control is the best way to educate children. Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified four parenting styles: authoritarian (dictatorial), authoritative (warm but firm), permissive (overindulgent), and uninvolved (neglectful). Research shows authoritative parenting produces independent, socially responsible children and protects against problems like drug use.
Wojcicki proposes a fifth category: the collaborative parent, who builds mutual respect with children once they understand basics. Rather than saying "Here's the paint, watch me first," the collaborative approach involves children in decisions: "Let's pick out colors together." Studies show even toddlers experience joy helping others achieve goals, and by age three, children understand partnership obligations.
Collaboration begins with parents modeling teamwork. Your partner is your ally, not adversary, and children are constantly watching how you interact. While hiding major conflicts from children is advisable, don't conceal everyday disagreements. Instead, demonstrate healthy conflict resolution. Communication patterns matter tremendously. Rather than commanding "Put on your swimsuit," try suggesting "It's hot outside. Do you want to come swimming?" Give children choices within acceptable parameters.
When children make mistakes, approach discipline as a collaborative learning opportunity rather than punishment. Every issue represents a lesson to be taught. For example, when Wojcicki's grandson bit another child at school, her daughter calmly discussed why he felt frustrated (another child was playing with his toys) and explained the importance of sharing. For older children, reflective writing helps them process feelings and develop empathy-have them write about the situation from the other person's perspective.
Chapter 9
Children Hear What You Do, Not What You Say
When students lose elections for coveted editor positions on the school newspaper, their devastation often mirrors their parents' reactions. One mother interpreted her daughter's loss as a referendum on her parenting, asking tearfully how to ensure her other children wouldn't experience similar failure. Another set of parents, whose daughter vomited before standardized tests, secured testing accommodations rather than examining how their own anxiety might be affecting her. Tellingly, once the pressure was relieved through these accommodations, the girl's symptoms disappeared.
Children absorb our behaviors, anxieties and attitudes through observation, often unconsciously. Research confirms this-from the famous Bobo doll experiments showing children mimicking adult aggression to studies demonstrating how parental anxiety transfers to children during academic testing. We model behaviors without realizing it, like Wojcicki's father's rule against bathing when sick that she enforced without question until her own children challenged its logic.
Parenting offers a profound opportunity for personal growth by forcing us to examine our own behaviors. Several key behaviors to consider: Are you punctual, showing respect for others' time? How do you present yourself through clothing and grooming? How do you interact with others, from friends to service workers? Do you clean up after yourself and teach children household responsibilities? What's your relationship with technology-are you constantly distracted by your phone when children need attention? Do you model healthy eating, exercise and stress management?
Having flaws makes you the perfect model for your child-because the process of change teaches the most powerful lesson. When changing behavior, share your specific goals with your child, making yourself vulnerable while showing they can help. Be flexible when pursuing solutions-behavior change rarely works on the first try, but don't abandon your goals. Keep a journal to track progress, enlist your child's help, and remember that changing takes determination-a valuable lesson for children to witness.
The most crucial life skill we model is our ability to maintain functional relationships. Our children's future happiness depends largely on the quality of relationships they observe and later form. Whether with a spouse, partner, friends, or colleagues, how we interact teaches children how the world works and conflicts resolve. Marriage requires daily work and compromise-not keeping score, but sharing a partnership.
Chapter 10
Kindness: The Cornerstone of Character
Caring is kindness-that's Wojcicki's mantra. She witnessed this principle in action when her daughter Anne rescued her 91-year-old mother from a neglectful hospice facility. Anne discovered her grandmother dehydrated and in distress, with staff ignoring patients' cries. Taking immediate action, she called an ambulance, confronted the negligent staff, and had her grandmother transferred to a hospital. She then orchestrated an extraordinary 500-mile journey, driving her grandmother herself to a quality nursing home near the family in the Bay Area, where she lived happily for two more years.
This compassion wasn't surprising-Anne had always shown exceptional empathy, from caring about friendless children to injured animals. All of Wojcicki's daughters absorbed these values, working to improve lives globally after college. But she worries today's children aren't learning kindness. Harvard's Making Caring Common Project found 80% of children prioritize achievement over caring for others, while empathy among college students has declined sharply since 2000.
We've embraced helicopter parenting focused on success rather than compassion, inadvertently raising narcissistic, entitled children. Yet kindness isn't weakness-it's increasingly valued by universities like Stanford and companies like Google, where "soft skills" distinguish top managers.
Kindness isn't a special occasion behavior but a way of living that begins with common courtesy-acknowledging others' presence as an antidote to self-obsession. Simple greetings, eye contact, smiles, and expressions of gratitude should permeate family life, not just public interactions. Many families practice courtesy outside the home but neglect it with those closest to them.
Parents must model gratitude and guide children to express it regularly. Studies show gratitude increases hope, happiness, optimism and life satisfaction while decreasing depression risk. Teaching children to appreciate gifts, write thank-you notes, and reflect on what they're grateful for-perhaps in nightly journal entries-builds this essential quality.
The Wojcicki family Christmas tradition involved buying the saddest tree at the grocery store lot-the one no one wanted-and transforming it with homemade ornaments. This simple ritual taught her daughters empathy by encouraging them to look beyond themselves and understand others' feelings. Parents can nurture empathy through pretend play, which allows children to experience different perspectives by temporarily becoming someone else. Reading fiction together, especially stories about kindness like "The Rainbow Fish" and "The Giving Tree," helps children relate to characters' emotions.
Chapter 11
Teaching Children to Give a Damn: Service Beyond Self
When Wojcicki discovered Stanford residents couldn't use Palo Alto libraries despite attending Palo Alto schools, she took action. With her children in tow, she attended city council meetings to argue for equal access. Later, she convinced Stanford to build a neighborhood park for the 160 families in her community by writing letters, making appointments, gathering signatures, and ultimately designing the park herself. The "Esther Wojcicki Playground" became a huge success with castle-like climbing equipment, quality swings, and a slide built into the hillside.
Her commitment to social activism was shaped by childhood experiences-her brother's death, seeing her other brother struggle with dyslexia when such children were labeled mentally challenged, and her family's history of persecution in Russia and Ukraine. She was driven to protect the underdog because her family had been powerless. Her relatives embraced the Jewish concept of tikkun olam ("repairing the world")-her father was an early Sierra Club member, her uncle led the United Jewish Appeal, and both grandfathers were rabbis and community leaders.
Starting small is key-volunteer an hour in your community, attend a city council meeting, or simply vote while teaching your child about democratic participation. As children grow, encourage them to mentor others, care for the elderly, join environmental cleanups, or help at soup kitchens. Schedule one helping activity weekly, letting them choose causes they care about. But don't manipulate community service just to pad college applications-colleges can sense whether kids truly care or are just resume building.
When children develop awareness of the world and interest in service, they naturally champion their own causes. Teaching journalism empowers teens by giving them a voice and audience-they become participants with a duty to serve truth and protect the underdog.
Former student Claire Liu exemplifies this. After volunteering at a homeless center, she investigated the paradox between Silicon Valley's wealth and local poverty. Her newspaper feature on the Buena Vista Mobile Home Park highlighted how working-class residents were being displaced for upscale tech worker apartments. She interviewed residents facing job loss and school changes, bringing along a Spanish interpreter to capture their stories authentically.
Another student, Ben Hewlett, uncovered school board improprieties when reviewing meeting minutes. Despite his shyness, he investigated administrators receiving raises during budget cuts and discovered misused credit cards. His expose in the school newspaper caused an uproar that led to the superintendent's and business manager's resignations, administrative raises being reversed, and credit cards canceled. This experience taught Ben and his peers that teenagers can expose injustice and impact their community.
Chapter 12
The Revolution Begins at Home
Parenting isn't just about children-it's about the adults and citizens they become. The TRICK values must be instilled early and relearned throughout life. These simple principles produce radical results because they work with children's natural desire for recognition and respect.
Even small changes yield profound outcomes. When Wojcicki met fashion designer Stacey Bendet Eisner and her seven-year-old daughter Scarlet, she discussed giving children independence and responsibility. Though Scarlet appeared absorbed in drawing during their conversation, she absorbed every word. Later, Stacey reported her daughters now justify their independence by saying "Esther would say it's okay," becoming more empowered and confident.
Wojcicki's journalism program at Palo Alto High School demonstrates these principles in action. For 36 years, she's watched timid sophomores transform into young adults with agency as they experience peer teaching and choose their own projects. The program creates a lasting community while teaching students to make their voices heard through ten different publications.
This approach works globally-from the Centro de Capacitacion Integral in Monterrey, Mexico helping adults in poverty gain education and job skills, to Boys Hope Girls Hope in Guatemala supporting children with traumatic backgrounds. Even in wealthy communities like Palo Alto, families struggle, highlighting universal needs for service.
Everyone deserves trust, respect, independence, collaboration opportunities, and kindness. As Steve Jobs said, "The people who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do." By embracing TRICK with love-values at the core of all religions-we can change education and parenting culture. Success begins with our children and ourselves.
