Bad habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic

Summary of Bad habits

1. 1

   When Faith Becomes a Cage: A Journey from Fear to Freedom

   

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   What happens when the religion meant to save you becomes the thing you need saving from? Growing up Catholic in 1980s Chicago meant navigating a minefield of contradictions-where guardian angels coexisted with threats of eternal damnation, where rosaries could be sacred or sinful depending on who wore them, and where a little girl's innocent questions about faith were met with Bible-slamming fury instead of thoughtful answers.

2. 2

   The Death of Innocence: When Angels Turn to Demons

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   At seven, bathroom floors became sanctuaries for conversations with guardian angels who felt as real as family. Then Catholic catechism weaponized fear: "Break a commandment, you'll burn in a fiery pit for eternity." Shadows replaced angels. Minor decisions - lying about brushing teeth, stealing a sister's ribbon - carried the weight of eternal damnation. The solution seemed obvious: become a nun. But visiting a convent shattered the mystique. Nuns wore Freddie Mercury T-shirts, the silence felt permanently tuned to the "God channel," and the final blow? Being a nun didn't guarantee Heaven, required giving up motherhood, and came without pay. The decision came swiftly: "I'll take my chances with Hell and be Wonder Woman instead." This wasn't childhood whimsy - it was the first step toward spiritual independence, choosing authenticity over institutional approval.

3. 3

   The Young Heretic: When Questions Become Crimes

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   By third grade, challenging religious authority had become second nature. "I want to be a Jew!" The logic seemed flawless-Jesus was Jewish, so why weren't we? When Sister Grace Downey explained Jews killed Jesus, the response was immediate: maybe Jesus wasn't God's only child. "Maybe I'm his sister and Fonzie is his uncle." Religious education grew increasingly absurd. Unbaptized babies go to Limbo-souls floating eternally between Heaven and Hell. When challenged, Sister Grace slammed her Bible so hard pencils rolled onto the floor, forbidding further questions. Her violence only intensified curiosity. The confessional became a weekly ritual with alcoholic Father Bill. Every transgression was meticulously listed-from stealing hair ribbons to lying about toothbrushing. Once, confession included "adultery," thinking it meant swearing. Father Bill's uncomfortable silence highlighted the Church's unpreparedness for genuine questions. Catholic rules seemed riddled with loopholes. Sister Grace suggested buying a scapular-a blessed necklace protecting from Hell for $15. The piggy bank was emptied. Years later came the devastating revelation: the Church decided Limbo never existed. They could simply change fundamental beliefs? It was like discovering gravity was optional.

4. Chapter 4

   When Religion Becomes Horror: The Exorcist Effect

   After First Holy Communion, relatives watched "The Exorcist" during the celebration, creating complete trauma. Demons could possess anyone. Cousin JoJo shared the terror-they refused basement trips and slept in pee-stained sheets rather than risk encountering Satan. The fear intensified when school friends revealed the devil used "Ben" to blend in. When a new Cabbage Patch doll arrived with the birth certificate name "Ben," panic struck. The doll was thrown into the neighbor's pool, then the trash. Later, when the family adopted a bunny named Ben: "I don't want a devil bunny in our house!" The terror extended to misunderstanding Satan as a "fallen angel"-visualized as an angel accidentally slipping on Heaven's stairs and tumbling into Hell. This created years of stair-phobia, holding on for dear life, terrified that falling meant becoming "a Satan." Sisters united by Satan-fear would sleep together surrounded by religious statues and rosaries, planning demon-fighting strategies. This fear likely contributed to bed-wetting until age ten. To avoid the mother's diaper threats, they'd sneak to the basement at night to wash sheets-terrified of the demons believed lurking there. When faith is built on fear rather than love, it creates spiritual trauma requiring decades to heal.

   Chapter 5

   Madonna vs. Mary: The Battle for Authenticity

   In seventh grade, Madonna's "Like a Virgin" dominated everything. Mom called her a "sinner" for wearing rosaries as jewelry. When I noted nuns wear rosaries too, Mom explained: "Madonna is using them to be sexy" while "nuns wear them because they are respecting God." Secret rebellion followed - putting a rosary around my neck, revealing training bra straps, dancing to Madonna in mirrors. I consulted our priest about liking Madonna. Father Colin said he loved Madonna too - but meant the Virgin Mary. This revealed the central tension: religious expectations versus authentic self-expression. Be authentic and risk damnation, or suppress yourself to please the institution. Years later at twenty, buying Madonna's Erotica CD brought excitement - until Mom burst into my room in rage. She destroyed the CD, smashing and burning it, then purged my room of all Madonna items. This pattern of religious authority controlling self-expression would continue. The question remained: could faith and authentic self coexist?

   Chapter 6

   The Playboy Paradox: When Sin Becomes Salvation

   After winning a hundred dollars in the lottery while working at a Polish grocery store for $3.75/hour, being robbed at gunpoint took everything-including the winning ticket. Desperate to escape, having a sister take Polaroid pictures and mailing them to fifty agencies brought one response: the Williams Agency, who said there was no "commercial look." Noticing the Playboy Building across the street led to an impulsive walk-in. A man in a suit invited a test shoot. Later that day, a message offered $20,000 to be Miss October. The plan? Use $2,000 of earnings to send parents on a cruise the week the issue published. When the magazine hit stands, Uncle Ken called, accusing family disgrace. Mom had a nervous breakdown and refused speaking for three days. When finally talking, she cried about what people would think, but ultimately said, "You're my daughter and I love you. I'm going to stick by you." A cousin who was a priest sent a letter saying the soul was damned to Hell. Six months later, taking parents to an expensive restaurant revealed winning Playmate of the Year with a $100,000 prize-money that paid off all their debts. This moment captured the tension between religious values and modern realities: the decision was simultaneously the greatest "sin" and the means to save a struggling family.

   Chapter 7

   The Road to Grace: Finding God Without Fear

   A disturbing 1993 laundromat encounter led me to the Psychic Eye Book Shop, where I immediately felt at home. "Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self" answered questions about identity and purpose that Catholicism never addressed. Unlike fear-based teachings, these books empowered me to connect with my higher self. At 21, I chose Friday nights at the bookstore over LA parties. Though I still attended Mass, it only amplified guilt. My spiritual awakening operated at a "higher vibration" that dissolved friendships. Eventually, I chose to "lower my frequency" to fit in. The ultimate test came when my son Evan was diagnosed with autism. During a seizure so severe he went into cardiac arrest, I pleaded: "Bring him back!" A voice assured me, "Everything is going to be okay," bringing supernatural calm. The paramedics revived him. As a single mom, I made a deal with God: "Help me heal my boy; I'll teach the world how." After twelve years of Catholic school and exploring numerous spiritual paths, I realized we're all a little right and wrong. What matters most is faith itself. Today, I look at the sky without fear of God's wrath. Some may call me a sinner, but I see myself as an ambitious student, constantly learning. Your relationship with the divine doesn't need anyone's approval-it just needs to be real.

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