第 1 章
Beyond Romance: The Hidden Power of Platonic Partnerships
What if your soulmate isn't someone you're sleeping with? This provocative question lies at the heart of Rhaina Cohen's groundbreaking exploration of profound non-romantic bonds. In a culture obsessed with finding "the one," Cohen challenges our narrow understanding of significant relationships by spotlighting extraordinary friendships that rival-or even surpass-romantic partnerships in their depth, commitment, and fulfillment.
The book has struck a cultural nerve, appearing on Oprah's must-read list and becoming a favorite among celebrities like Mindy Kaling and Dan Levy who've praised its revolutionary perspective on human connection. As America faces what experts call a "friendship recession" and loneliness epidemic, Cohen's work arrives at a crucial moment, offering a roadmap for nurturing the kinds of meaningful relationships that research consistently links to better health outcomes and longer lives.
第 2 章
Redefining Relationship Boundaries
When Rhaina Cohen attended six weddings in six months during her "Wedding Tour of America," she noticed a fascinating pattern: couples repeatedly referred to their spouses as "best friends" during ceremonies. This observation sparked her curiosity about the blurry boundaries between friendship and romantic partnership, especially as she reflected on her own profound connection with her friend "M."
Cohen introduces us to Andrew Bergman and Toly Rinberg, whose bond is so deep that Andrew's sister considers Toly her brother-in-law. They met in high school, maintained their friendship through college despite distance, and shared the profound experience of losing their mutual friend David to suicide. They deliberately organized their lives around each other-volunteering together in Tanzania, becoming roommates in graduate school, and co-founding a nonprofit. Andrew describes Toly as his "platonic life partner," a concept his mother struggled to comprehend.
These platonic partnerships challenge what Cohen calls "compulsory coupledom"-the societal belief that romantic relationships should be central to adult life. Despite many Americans spending significant portions of their lives unmarried, society privileges romantic partnerships through social expectations and legal benefits. Modern romantic relationships often collapse under the weight of "one-stop shopping" expectations, while friendships are undervalued despite their potential to provide security, tenderness, and fulfillment.
Throughout history, intense platonic bonds have been common. Medieval "sworn brotherhoods" involved rituals binding pairs who were sometimes buried together. At Oxford's Merton College chapel, such relationships blurred lines between friendship, family, and marriage. These historical precedents show that our current narrow conception of significant relationships is relatively new, not universal.
Cohen's own friendship with M demonstrated this potential. Despite being in a committed relationship with Marco (whom she later married), Cohen experienced a magnetic connection with M that defied conventional labels. M cared for Cohen during illnesses, offered wise counsel exceeding professional therapists, and created structured social gatherings. Their friendship featured daily voice memos, emotional support, and profound vulnerability-rivaling romantic relationships in its intensity and significance.
第 3 章
The Myth of "The One"
American culture teaches us that romantic relationships should come first, with friendships retreating in their wake. From Disney movies to rom-coms, we're conditioned to seek a "soulmate" who serves as a one-stop shop for all our needs. This creates unrealistic standards while making romantic relationships feel compulsory.
Historically, marriage wasn't always under such pressure. Before the late eighteenth century, marriages resembled government treaties more than passionate unions, with love considered a bonus rather than necessity. By the mid-nineteenth century, the radical idea that love should be the basis for marriage took hold, evolving into today's "self-expressive marriage" with increasingly demanding expectations.
Kami West and Tilly's friendship demonstrates how platonic relationships can challenge this hierarchy. When Kami made clear to a date that her best friend Tilly would always be her "number one person," she was rejecting the cultural assumption that romantic relationships must take precedence. Their bond, formed during Marine Corps boot camp, survived relocations, relationships, and children. After a previous boyfriend had tried to undermine their friendship, Kami vowed never to let that happen again.
Their friendship deepened when they reconnected in Oklahoma, becoming inseparable-taking classes together, supporting each other through hardships, with Tilly helping with Kami's son Kody. When Kami's daughter Delilah was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, Tilly provided crucial support at the hospital and even offered her home to reduce Kami's commute. Their friendship has raised their standards for romantic relationships while simultaneously making them less dependent on romantic partners for fulfillment. As Tilly explains, "We're the cake" and romantic relationships are just "the cherry on the cake."
Research supports the value of diverse relationship portfolios. Studies show people who distribute emotional needs across multiple relationships experience greater happiness and less physiological stress from marital conflicts. Psychologist Eli Finkel recommends having "other significant others" (OSOs) to strengthen marriages. This concept parallels ethical non-monogamy, which challenges the "relationship escalator" expectation that romantic partnerships must follow a prescribed trajectory.
第 4 章
Beyond Sexual Connection
Is sex truly the only difference between romantic and platonic relationships? Cohen challenges this assumption by exploring relationships that exist in the gray area between conventional friendship and romance.
Lisa Diamond's research on "passionate friendships" reveals that among sexual minority women, these relationships exist in an "in-between world"-too intense to be standard friendships but not driven by suppressed sexual desire. Of eighty women interviewed, seventy reported having platonic friendships as emotionally intense as romantic relationships, featuring inseparability, cuddling, and preoccupation. Despite being common, many women considered these relationships unique or abnormal due to lack of cultural recognition.
Diamond's work demonstrates that lust and love involve different brain pathways and chemicals-androgens and estrogens influence sexual desire, while love produces oxytocin and dopamine. These systems serve different evolutionary functions: lust drives reproduction while love encourages lasting bonds for survival. Research shows love and sexual desire don't always coincide-in one study, 61% of women and 35% of men reported experiencing love without sexual desire.
The story of Stacey Reimann and Grace illustrates this complexity. They met in college and developed a relationship that challenged conventional boundaries. Their connection blossomed through late-night darkroom sessions and coffee shop encounters, creating what friends described as palpable tension between them. Despite their incompatible sexual orientations (Stacey later came out as asexual), they formed a profound bond that led them to consider living together, raising children, and even having a "friend-wedding" or legal marriage.
For Stacey, who now identifies as genderqueer and uses they/them pronouns, romance involves commitment, vulnerability, and deeply knowing someone-not necessarily sex. They've stopped discrediting forms of closeness that fit their definition of intimacy: "the space to feel comfortable in one's body to dream, to explore thoughts and feelings that come up in life with somebody."
Studies show asexual people face more stigma than other sexual minorities, with societal pressures of "compulsory sexuality" making them feel defective. These pressures promote the idea that sex is essential to a "normal" life. While sex can foster intimacy and self-discovery, it isn't the only path to these experiences. The concept of "emotional affairs" acknowledges that nonsexual connections can rival sexual relationships in their intimacy and importance.
第 5 章
Redefining Masculinity Through Friendship
Nick Galluccio and Art Pereira's story reveals how deep male friendships can challenge restrictive masculine norms. These two Christian youth pastors committed to living as a family unit despite social pressures and religious constraints.
When Art came out as gay to Nick, he immediately panicked, frantically packing his bag to leave, convinced Nick wouldn't want him staying over. Nick, however, coaxed him to stay, promising they would figure things out together. After much soul-searching, Art decided to be celibate in accordance with his conservative Christian beliefs, though the prospect terrified him-not because of giving up sex, but because he feared never having "a default person to come home to." After a particularly lonely day, Art called Nick, saying, "I can't do this for another twenty-five years." Nick responded, "I want to be part of the reason that you want to live past fifty."
Nick insisted that Art's loneliness was "our problem," not just Art's. They prayed together-on Nick's couch where Nick would squeeze Art's shoulder as he cried, or over car speakers during night drives. About six months after Art's celibacy decision, Nick proposed they live together. Though Art initially dismissed the offer as too generous, Nick persisted, even daydreaming about their future home.
Their friendship faced challenges, including Nick's discomfort with how others might perceive their closeness. Art helped Nick understand that American norms about male friendship aren't universal. In Brazil, Korea, Arab countries, India, and parts of Africa, men commonly engage in non-sexual physical affection. Even in America until the early 20th century, men openly showed physical intimacy-sitting on each other's laps, holding hands, or resting heads on shoulders.
Nick's discomfort stemmed partly from equating emotional intimacy with sexual attraction. Once, hiking in Kentucky, he confessed wondering if he might be gay because he enjoyed Art's hugs and missed him when apart. Art explained, "That's just intimacy. That's just loving someone." Unlike many American men who rely primarily on female partners for emotional support-what one writer calls "emotional gold digging"-Nick was learning to cultivate deep male friendship.
Their friendship has helped Nick avoid the fate of many American men who report having fewer close friends than in previous decades. With 15% of men reporting no close friendships (a fivefold increase since 1990), Nick's deep bond with Art provides the diverse social support that research shows can protect against loneliness, depression, and negative health outcomes.
第 6 章
Creating Family Through Friendship
The conventional nuclear family isn't the only model for raising children and creating lasting support systems. Cohen explores how friendships can evolve into family structures through the story of Lynda Collins and Natasha Bakht in Ottawa.
Their journey began when Natasha, a single woman, decided to have a child through a sperm donor. Her friend Lynda offered to be present at the birth and help with childcare. What started as friendly support evolved into something much deeper when Natasha's son Elaan was diagnosed with severe disabilities requiring round-the-clock care. Lynda stepped in as a co-parent, displaying almost magical abilities to soothe Elaan during his difficult episodes.
The courts eventually declared Lynda a parent-the first recognition of platonic co-parents in Canadian history. Their family dynamic expanded when Natasha connected Lynda with Justine, a French woman needing housing. What began as a roommate arrangement evolved into a romantic relationship between Lynda and Justine, who also formed her own independent bond with Elaan. Their three-parent family faces administrative barriers but the benefits far outweigh the complications.
Some experts argue that children need two parents for optimal resources and support, but by that reasoning, three or four parents should be even better. As West Virginia's Supreme Court noted about a child with multiple loving adults: "Oh that all of the children whose fates we must decide would be so fortunate as to be too loved."
Their three-parent household proved remarkably resilient, especially during the pandemic. Many platonic partners report their relationships are more stable than romantic ones because they aren't affected by the storms of romance or sex. Lynda and Natasha also appreciate that their relationship isn't predetermined by gender roles, allowing for more equal division of labor.
A 2017 survey revealed that over half of women believed there should be ways to raise children without a spouse or romantic partner, with 58 percent of unmarried mothers open to co-parenting with someone other than a romantic partner. As Nicole Sussner Rodgers of Family Story notes, "You need to see somebody doing the thing that you might want to do and doing it successfully."
第 7 章
Aging Together: Friendship in Later Life
Friendship plays a significantly more important role than marriage in the mental and physical well-being of older adults. Studies from both 1987 and thirty years later found that while marriage most affects mortality for those under sixty, friendships become more significant predictors of health and longevity as people age. People who valued friendship were healthier and happier across their lives, with these effects particularly strong for older adults.
Friendships provide crucial support during difficult life transitions like divorce, spouse's death, or illness. Friends make up a considerable portion of caregivers-a 2020 AARP survey found that 10 percent of caregivers for adults were caring for a friend or neighbor. This is especially common in LGBT circles, where queer friends have long become chosen family. LGBT baby boomers were more likely than the general population to have cared for friends, involved friends in end-of-life discussions, lived with friends, and had friends as caregivers.
The story of Barb and Inez illustrates how friends can create supportive aging arrangements. When Inez collapsed at the library due to critical heart failure, it motivated her and Barb to finally address end-of-life planning. Though they were confident their friend Rick would step in if needed, they didn't want to burden him with caregiving during his prime years. They explored assisted-living options and were pleased to discover facilities that allowed unrelated people to share units.
During the COVID pandemic, they became especially grateful for their living arrangement as friends in assisted-living facilities expressed envy of their companionship. The pandemic revealed the latent dissatisfaction in many relationships-married friends with middling relationships found them barely tolerable when forced into constant proximity, while isolated seniors in care facilities experienced profound loneliness.
Over time, Barb and Inez have grown more interdependent. Their once-rigid division of household labor has become flexible-Inez checks if Barb needs help taking out trash, while Barb now cooks alongside Inez. They remind each other about medications and tasks, though Barb maintains, "Help me with this, but don't help me too much, because what if the day comes, you're not here, and I need to be responsible for myself, too."
第 8 章
When Friendship Ends: The Unrecognized Grief
When deep friendships end or change dramatically, people often experience profound grief that goes unrecognized by society. Cohen explores this through her own experience with M, who moved to the UK for a master's program. The physical separation revealed how embodied their friendship had been-Cohen missed M's embraces and forehead kisses, realizing their friendship "lived as much in our bodies as in our minds."
The distance grew beyond just physical separation as M immersed herself in UK life, reducing her phone dependence and snapping the digital threads that had maintained their closeness. Gone were the days of being copied on important emails and exchanging voice memos. Cohen scaled back contact to avoid bothering M, a troubling shift from when "we completely fascinated each other."
When M briefly visited DC, Cohen confessed her feelings while they lay together on the couch. Though M comforted her, her response wasn't reassuring-she acknowledged their previous closeness was beautiful but suggested they needed to accept this new phase. Cohen had hoped for commitment to recapture their former intimacy through intentional decisions about proximity and time together.
Cohen struggled to articulate this ambiguous loss-they hadn't had a falling-out, M hadn't vanished, they had merely "stepped down from being exceptionally close to being best friends." Our vocabulary offers little language for friendship challenges, and such undefined losses are particularly difficult to process. Psychologist Pauline Boss calls this "ambiguous loss," which can lead to "frozen grief" when mourners can't clearly identify what they're grieving.
Joy Loughry's story illustrates a different kind of friendship grief-one that unfolded over years as her best friend Hannah battled cancer. Unlike those judged for friendship breakups, Joy wasn't blamed for the loss but for how deeply she grieved it.
Joy and Hannah formed an unbreakable bond as geology majors at the University of Minnesota Morris. When Hannah was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer, Joy immediately reorganized her life around supporting her-picking up Hannah's children from daycare, making crafts with them, organizing fundraising, and protecting Hannah from intrusive colleagues.
When Hannah died, Joy discovered that her grief was "disenfranchised"-not recognized by workplace policies or social norms. She returned to work three days later, ineligible for bereavement leave. People expected her to move on quickly, not understanding that Hannah was her "human"-someone who loved her unconditionally. Unlike religious traditions that have established mourning rituals for family members, Joy's friendship grief required her to create her own path to healing.
第 9 章
Beyond Legal Recognition: The Marriage Monopoly
The legal system privileges marriage above all other relationships, creating significant challenges for those with non-traditional family structures. Marriage provides over a thousand federal rights and benefits unavailable to unmarried Americans-from healthcare access to immigration benefits, tax advantages, and legal protections. These benefits include social security survivor benefits, inheritance rights, hospital visitation privileges, and the ability to make medical decisions. Law professor Serena Mayeri terms this "marital supremacy," noting how it systematically disadvantages alternative family structures that may be equally meaningful and supportive.
Joan Biren and Amelie Zurn-Galinsky's 25-year friendship powerfully illustrates the limitations of this system. When Joan was diagnosed with breast cancer, Amelie demonstrated the profound care possible in non-romantic relationships by accompanying her to every appointment and treatment for a year, providing emotional support, managing medications, and coordinating care. Joan insisted hospital staff recognize Amelie as her "sister-neighbor-comrade"-an imperfect but functional translation of their relationship that highlights the inadequacy of existing relationship categories in medical settings.
Without legal marriage, friends must either live without rights or create DIY legal solutions through complex paperwork and significant expense. Joan chose the latter, working with lawyer Michele Zavos to create comprehensive legal documents during a pandemic-era porch signing ceremony. This process required extensive conversations about end-of-life wishes, healthcare preferences, and financial arrangements, resulting in detailed directives that gave Joan peace of mind but cost thousands of dollars and required multiple legal consultations.
Even with legal protections in place, friends face challenges that married couples don't encounter. When Inez was hospitalized, her friend Barb was initially denied entry despite holding medical power of attorney, while a married couple was admitted together without question. Hospital staff often default to biological family or spouses, requiring non-traditional families to advocate for their rights repeatedly. As law professor Kaipo Matsumura notes, non-married partners bear "the burden of always traveling with a piece of paper that identifies your status," creating constant stress and potential crisis situations.
Two approaches could reduce inequities between marital and non-marital relationships: creating legal alternatives to marriage and stripping marriage to its essentials. Law professor Nancy Polikoff suggests a simple registry for designating default decision-makers, which would allow individuals to easily document their chosen family members. Colorado's designated beneficiary agreement offers a more flexible model, allowing any two adults to select from sixteen rights categories without requiring reciprocity, covering areas like hospital visitation, inheritance, and property rights.
France's PACS partnership demonstrates the viability of alternative relationship recognition, being nearly as popular as marriage with 196,000 registrations compared to 225,000 marriages in 2019. This civil union system offers many marriage benefits without the same level of financial entanglement or divorce complications, making it particularly attractive to younger couples and those seeking legal recognition without traditional marriage's full implications. The success of PACS shows how alternative relationship recognition can meet diverse needs while reducing discrimination against non-traditional families.
第 10 章
Reimagining Connection: The Freedom of the Unfamiliar
The unclassifiable nature of deep friendships offers freedom. Without prewritten scripts, friends must decide everything themselves, becoming their own relationship narrators rather than riding the predictable "relationship escalator" of romance. Unlike romantic partners who might take beliefs for granted, platonic partners tend to be explicit about boundaries and deliberate about preventing their friendship from becoming too encompassing.
Our relationship expectations shape behavior, which determines how relationships develop. While we readily imagine romantic possibilities with strangers from dating apps, we rarely envision shared futures with new friends. We maintain emotional "manicured lawns" with friends, hiding messier aspects of ourselves that we'd show partners. This behavior perpetuates the intimacy gap between romantic and platonic relationships.
Creating conditions for intimacy requires allowing friendships more space in our lives. Art's friendship with Nick taught him to imagine "the fullest version" of each friendship, not necessarily copying their intense bond but finding appropriate depth. Proximity accelerates intimacy-like when Cohen lived near M, enabling them to experience what Lisa Diamond calls the "magic ingredients" of attachment: time, togetherness, and touch.
Cohen and her husband Marco explored co-living with friends Naomi and Daniel, despite their different lifestyles. Though initially concerned about delaying homeownership, Cohen realized she'd internalized societal programming that prioritized financial gain over friendship. After clarifying that community mattered most, they formed "Kibbutz D.C." despite housing market challenges.
Living together transformed their friendship. Cohen witnessed Naomi's problem-solving skills and enjoyed new rituals like Shabbat celebrations. The experience narrowed the distance between them-Cohen's admiration grew while simultaneously seeing the intimate, mundane aspects of their marriage. What were once sketches became detailed portraits through shared living.
During a farewell dinner, Cohen's friend Adam critiqued not monogamy but "defaultamy"-adherence to relationship defaults without questioning. Platonic partnerships serve as powerful case studies in resisting these defaults, taking us off autopilot in our relationship choices.
This resonated with Andrew's mother Lisa, who reflected on how her life followed a predetermined ladder set by society-practical career, expected marriage-rather than choosing her own path. Seeing her son's unconventional friendship with Toly made her wonder what might have been "more fun, rewarding" had she been brave enough to try alternatives.
Encountering these friendships can "sharpen our vision," revealing the societal trellis that directs our paths. While this structure suits many perfectly, these alternative relationships give others permission to "detach from the trellis and grow toward the light."
