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The Power of Asking "How Can I Help?"
In a world where networking often feels transactional and uncomfortable, Susan McPherson offers a refreshing alternative. Her approach to building meaningful connections centers on one deceptively simple question: "How can I help?" This mindset shift transforms networking from a self-serving exercise into an opportunity for genuine connection. McPherson's methodology has earned her praise from business leaders like Adam Grant, who calls her "the most thoughtful connector I know," and Reshma Saujani, who describes her as "the human version of LinkedIn, if LinkedIn were actually fun and inspiring." The book has become a favorite among executives seeking more authentic professional relationships, with Fast Company naming it one of the best business books of the year. McPherson's approach resonates because it addresses a fundamental paradox of our time: despite being more digitally connected than ever, many professionals feel increasingly isolated and lonely.
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The Lost Art of Meaningful Connection
We've all experienced that moment of dread walking into a networking event filled with strangers, business cards in hand, wondering how to make meaningful connections. The fluorescent lights, forced small talk, and awkward name tag adjustments create an atmosphere that seems designed to prevent genuine interaction. Traditional networking approaches this backward-focusing on what others can do for us rather than how we might serve them, treating relationships as transactions rather than opportunities for mutual growth and understanding.
McPherson rejects the artificial separation between "work self" and "personal self," viewing relationships as relationships regardless of context. She argues that this compartmentalization leads to superficial connections and prevents us from bringing our whole selves to professional interactions. Through countless examples with clients, she's observed that the most successful business relationships mirror the authenticity and vulnerability of personal ones.
Meaningful business connections emerge from supporting others, amplifying underrepresented voices, and using business as a force for positive change. This might mean mentoring junior colleagues, sharing opportunities with competitors, or connecting people who could benefit from knowing each other with no immediate benefit to yourself. The goal isn't connecting with everyone but building deep, rewarding relationships with the right people who align with your authentic self and values.
Despite our hyperconnected world, Americans' social networks have shrunk by up to one-third between 1985-2009, creating a loneliness epidemic affecting physical health, mental wellbeing, and work performance. Research shows that lonely workers are less productive, more likely to quit, and experience higher rates of burnout. The pandemic only worsened this disconnection, with remote work creating new barriers to organic relationship building and casual workplace interactions.
McPherson sees people not as isolated dots but as parts of a larger constellation. Like completing a dot-to-dot drawing, meaningful connections create something larger and unexpected through thoughtful linking of people. She emphasizes that every introduction, every connection made, has the potential to create ripple effects far beyond the initial interaction. This approach stems from her upstate New York childhood, where her parents-a housewife-turned-PR maven and a Russian history professor-modeled meaningful connection through handwritten notes, newspaper clippings, and genuine interest in others' lives.
The digital age has paradoxically made it both easier to connect and harder to form meaningful relationships. McPherson advocates for a return to intentional connection-making: scheduling regular check-ins with colleagues, practicing active listening without digital distractions, and finding ways to add value to others' lives without expectation of return. She suggests keeping a "connection journal" to track meaningful interactions and follow-up opportunities, turning networking from a dreaded obligation into a fulfilling practice of community building.
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Gather, Ask, Do: A Framework for Connection
McPherson's approach to meaningful connection follows a three-part framework: Gather, Ask, Do. This methodology helps create your personal network of stars by asking "How can I help?"
In the Gather stage, you connect with yourself to define your values and goals. This begins with examining your relationship with yourself and clarifying what matters most to you. Understanding if you're an extrovert energized by gatherings or someone who prefers intimate connections helps you stay intentional to make the biggest impact without burnout.
During the Ask phase, you deepen relationships through questions and curiosity. Rather than focusing on what you can get from interactions, you listen actively and seek ways to be of service. This shifts the dynamic from transactional networking to genuine relationship building.
In the Do stage, you take immediate action to help others, building trust and deeper connections. The magic happens when we truly see and are seen by others. Research shows people with robust social networks perform better, feel more fulfilled, and live longer.
Like her parents who tended their network like a garden, McPherson uses modern communication tools to bring people together without the antagonism that makes networking feel like a dirty word. This approach has allowed her to fuse her life and work without burnout or anxiety.
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You Know More People Than You Think
Even when starting fresh in a new job, city, or industry, you know far more people than you realize. Your existing network is your biggest asset-every single person has something valuable to offer that can enrich your career. Common excuses for not connecting-"I'm too busy," "they're too senior," "I don't want to bother them"-are often just fear of vulnerability.
McPherson's parents never distinguished between coworkers, neighbors, friends, or family-people were simply people worthy of connection. Most Americans, however, recognize only 15 percent of their coworkers as "real friends." McPherson advocates developing genuine friendships at work rather than maintaining artificial barriers.
When McPherson's mother died tragically in the Dupont Plaza Hotel fire in Puerto Rico when she was 22, she eventually moved to Newport Beach for a job at USA Today. Desperate to replace grief with connection, she turned to volunteering with nonprofits. Without today's digital tools, she used the yellow pages to find organizations aligned with her values, building a community that sustains her to this day.
Research shows we're influenced by people up to four degrees of separation-meaning your four new friends actually connect you to thousands of others. Nicholas Christakis's research reveals how profoundly interconnected we are, with surprising effects on happiness and altruism.
Seek out relationships with connectors, especially if they're your boss. Of the four manager types-teachers, cheerleaders, always-on, and connectors-research shows connectors build the strongest teams. According to Jaime Roca and Sari Wilde's research, working for a connector manager triples the likelihood of becoming a high performer and boosts engagement by up to 40 percent.
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Become the Host, Not Just the Guest
Traditional networking has become synonymous with hustling-pressing palms and exchanging business cards with strangers while secretly wishing to escape. This approach, focused on acquiring connections rather than building relationships, leaves people frustrated and exhausted. Instead of waiting for invitations or opportunities, McPherson suggests becoming the host and doing the inviting yourself.
Hosting rather than waiting to be invited transforms your inner monologue from "Will I be invited?" to "Who should I invite?"-putting you in a position of power. FOMO (fear of missing out) becomes JOMO (joy of meeting others), elevating you from follower to leader. When you reach out and invite, recipients naturally feel inclined to return the favor through reciprocity-the social behavior of responding to positive actions with similar ones.
Before sending invitations, define your gathering's purpose-a step many people skip. Ask yourself if you're trying to raise awareness, educate, or fundraise. Being intentional about your time requires saying "no thank you" sometimes, which counters people-pleasing tendencies.
Early in her career at PR Newswire, McPherson organized monthly breakfast gatherings for communications professionals, with each person occasionally bringing a new contact. This established her as a go-to industry resource long before the internet existed. Today, these connections can happen virtually through videoconferencing.
Once you've identified your gathering's purpose, organize it around a specific cause or issue to create natural alignment among attendees. McPherson has hosted events for political candidates, book launches, and discussions on topics like reproductive rights and climate change. Even something seemingly simple like managing kids' screen time can bring people together.
Relationships need tending to thrive. In the early 1990s managing her sales territory, McPherson dedicated one Friday monthly to call everyone in her Rolodex just to say "I'm thinking of you"-no asks, no required responses. Whether using pay phones off California's 405 highway as she did then, or today's digital tools, the goal remains the same: building trust. Regular check-ins communicate: I see you as a real person; I genuinely care about connecting with you.
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Finding Your Community in Any Environment
Coworking spaces offer more than just a place to work-they provide community and connection, especially valuable when relocating or working remotely. With 3.8 million global members by 2020, these spaces combat isolation and redefine workplace meaning. Research shows 79% of coworking members expanded their networks, 83% felt less lonely, and 89% reported being happier.
These spaces bring together people from different sectors, fostering cross-pollination of ideas through shared tables and community events. Pioneering spaces like Ethel's Club (created by Naj Austin for people of color), The Riveter (founded by Amy Nelson to support working women), and The Cru (Tiffany Dufu's peer coaching platform) demonstrate how intentional communities can address specific needs while promoting diversity and inclusion.
Free online communities offer accessible alternatives to physical coworking spaces. Groups like The League of Badass Women, Tuenighters, The Woolfer, and The What demonstrate how virtual communities can foster genuine connection. Gina Pell and Amy Parker built The What into a troll-free community of 35,000 women by speaking to members as they would to friends-with curiosity, warmth, and relatability.
The most fruitful professional relationships often emerge from seemingly fleeting or unexpected interactions. Morra Aarons-Mele's entire business, Women Online, grew from a chance meeting with BlogHer founder Lisa Stone during a work trip to Mexico. This aligns with sociologist Mark Granovetter's 1973 finding that 82 percent of professionals found new jobs through occasional or rare contacts.
Building a network follows the S-curve model of growth-initially slow and seemingly unproductive before reaching an exhilarating period of hyper-growth. When starting fresh in a new location or field, you begin at the launch point where growth exists but appears minimal. Understanding this pattern helps maintain motivation during the initial slog, knowing that consistent effort will ultimately yield results.
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Choosing the Right Communication Medium
The pandemic transformed how we think about connection, forcing us to reconsider which meetings truly require in-person interaction versus digital alternatives. While face-to-face meetings build trust through physical cues like handshakes and shared space, digital connections offer efficiency and geographic diversity.
In-person meetings create trust through physical connection-handshakes activate the brain's reward center, leading to better negotiation outcomes and cooperation. The effort of traveling signals a relationship's importance. While digital meetings offer environmental benefits and efficiencies, in-person interactions remain uniquely powerful for establishing meaningful connections.
To humanize virtual meetings, start by following up on something mentioned in a previous conversation: "How did that client pitch go, Susan?" This creates psychological safety-what Google research identified as the key factor in effective teams. When people feel seen and heard in digital spaces, they perform better.
Digital intimacy-"looking into someone's soul across continents"-is achievable with creativity. For meaningful connection, groups of about six people work best. You can foster digital closeness by sharing similar physical states (moving to the same beat), similar spaces (looking at the moon), tasting the same foods, or using similar props.
With time increasingly scarce, preparation is essential for meetings. Before meetings, define success: Do you want a job interview? A speaking opportunity? Media coverage? Plan for various scenarios, including how to redirect conversations that veer off track. But don't be robotic-approach meetings as learning opportunities focused on the other person.
Though 90% of professionals prefer email and the average worker receives 121 emails daily, digital communication often leads to misunderstandings. Without facial cues or tone, messages like "I wasn't copied on that report" can be interpreted multiple ways. For emotional or nuanced conversations, a quick phone call often prevents misunderstandings and strengthens relationships.
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The Art of Asking Meaningful Questions
The simple question "How can I help?" can transform your networking approach. When meeting someone new, asking "What is challenging right now, anything you need help with?" breaks down transactional barriers that make networking events unbearable. This unexpected approach perks people's ears and establishes equality by positioning you as someone offering support rather than seeking favors.
At networking events, instead of delivering your elevator pitch, ask "What's challenging for you right now?" and genuinely listen. This approach equalizes interactions by acknowledging everyone benefits from assistance and signals your intention to offer value. Before entering networking situations, shift your mindset from "what can I get" to "what can I offer." Everyone has something valuable to give, regardless of status.
Understanding different perspectives is vital for business success and addressing our society's polarization crisis. Listening fuels understanding, and curious engagement helps you absorb knowledge that makes you more informed and well-rounded.
When your goal is helping rather than personal gain, the fear of failure diminishes significantly. Susan Danziger demonstrated this when launching DailyLit, a digital publisher. Instead of worrying about landing her first customer, she created Publishing Point, convening monthly gatherings with impressive speakers from major publishing houses and tech companies. This gave her credibility and influence without the anxiety of direct selling.
Adam Grant cautions that being a giver doesn't mean saying yes to everything-it means setting boundaries around who, when, and how you help. He recommends becoming a "generosity specialist" who helps in energizing rather than exhausting ways, and offers "five-minute favors" like sharing knowledge or making introductions.
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Preparing for Meaningful Requests
Effective asking requires meticulous preparation-like Abraham Lincoln's philosophy of spending four hours sharpening an ax before chopping a tree. True connections aren't transactional but evolve continuously through micro-connections and mini-asks that position you for bigger opportunities.
Before any important meeting, research the person as thoroughly as if you were preparing to introduce them at an awards ceremony. Master their "key five" data points: age, school, passion projects, media presence, and company news. Show you've done your homework by referencing their recent accomplishments or publications.
Before making any significant ask, you must establish trust through awareness, engagement, and consistent interaction. Trust builds slowly through small actions but can vanish instantly if betrayed. PricewaterhouseCoopers research shows business trust depends on three elements: competence, experience, and values. People need to know you deliver on promises and share their fundamental beliefs.
Rather than waiting until everything's perfect before seeking support, engage people early with small requests that take minimal time. These "five-minute asks" build investment in your mission gradually. Douglas Atkin, former global head of community at Airbnb, describes this as the "commitment curve"-relationships deepen over time with increasingly committed interactions.
Most people want to help but need clear pathways to do so. Offer at least three different options for each ask. For job seekers, this might mean asking someone to: forward your resume to contacts, serve as a reference, or introduce you to one person at a target company. Multiple options prevent "ghosting" that happens when people feel uncomfortable saying no to a single request.
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Introverts Can Be Great Connectors Too
Introversion needn't limit your career or networking success. Many brilliant professionals with stellar resumes are introverts who've learned to leverage their natural strengths. Silence can be powerful-as demonstrated by executive Shari Coulter Ford, who commanded respect in male-dominated meetings through strategic quietness that kept everyone attentive.
Introversion and social anxiety are often confused but fundamentally different. Introversion is about how you derive energy-through quiet reflection rather than social stimulation. Social anxiety, the fear of being criticized or judged, can affect both introverts and extroverts. Our culture tends to prize extroversion, but as Susan Cain argues in "Quiet," introverts possess valuable strengths like exceptional listening skills.
Introverts can strategically partner with super connectors who thrive on making introductions. These natural matchmakers can help you navigate networking efficiently without depleting your energy. Aarons-Mele calls this "adopting an extrovert," but it's best to find someone who's not just outgoing but deeply connected in your field.
Create structure for networking events rather than facing them unprepared. Team up with other introverts and compare strategies beforehand. Follow the one-third rule: aim to do only one-third of the talking in conversations. Having these boundaries makes events more manageable and enjoyable.
Set clear goals before attending events using the "event triumvirate": meet three people, learn three new ideas, share three things. This gives you a concrete objective and defined value from the event. Afterward, follow up with those contacts and your super connector to extend your network efficiently.
While our world rewards extroversion through schools, networking events, and open offices, research shows group conversations often lead to groupthink-where people prioritize consensus over expressing individual opinions. The quiet reflection introverts naturally seek allows for original thinking unclouded by others' influence.
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From Connection to Action: The Follow-Through
The goal of meaningful relationships is depth, but many struggle with how to transform superficial connections into something more substantial without awkwardness. Relationships require selective social, emotional, and material investment, but simple strategies can make follow-ups dynamic rather than rote.
Many people miss relationship opportunities when connections aren't immediately obvious. When meeting someone with whom you feel a connection, act quickly to solidify that bond through simple follow-ups that help them remember you beyond the initial meeting context.
Don't let momentum die after a great meeting or interview. Unlike popular advice suggesting a two-week wait before following up, McPherson recommends immediate action to demonstrate enthusiasm and seriousness. Draft emails right after meetings, connect on preferred social platforms, or set reminders for other follow-up actions.
During meetings, note what matters to each person-their hiring needs, hobbies, travel plans, or recommendations. Use these details in follow-ups to show you were truly listening, making them feel remembered and heard. Celebrate their wins by acknowledging birthdays, job changes, or media mentions.
Taking action on advice or tips that others suggest demonstrates trustworthiness and helps them feel seen. If someone recommends a restaurant, book, or podcast, try it and then reconnect with them about your experience. This simple follow-up transforms emotional distance into closeness. Research from Harvard Business School reveals that when leaders have their advice requested but not taken, it damages relationships.
Regular rituals-whether coffee meetings, exercise sessions, or team check-ins-create meaning and depth in professional relationships. Being proactive about establishing routines with colleagues pays dividends in connection. Research shows people who synchronize activities (even just tapping to the same rhythm) are three times more likely to help each other.
Each person has a "chief differentiating factor" (CDF)-their specific expertise or unique characteristics that makes them stand out. Beyond surface-level introductions, identifying someone's unique asset creates immense gratitude when reflected back to them. This might require asking better questions, like Brene Brown's approach of requesting two words to describe feelings rather than generic "how are you" questions.
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The Constellation Effect: Building Your Network
McPherson views people as an evolving storyboard-each relationship contributing to a larger vision for yourself, others, and society. The constellation analogy applies to cultivating relationships with synergies that develop over a lifetime. Your ideal contacts aren't defined by job titles or locations, but by shared values and missions.
When building your constellation of connections, focus on lofty, inspiring visions rather than small transactions. Instead of simply "getting a job in fundraising," elevate your objective to something like "eliminating world hunger." This approach creates meaningful connections beneficial for the long term.
Paul van Zyl exemplifies this with The Conduit, creating a permanent community where entrepreneurs tackle major global problems. Rather than collecting business cards at episodic gatherings like Davos, he built an ecosystem where people working on ethical supply chains, women's empowerment, and other impact areas could access resources and community.
Research shows women need two distinct networks: one including men to learn corporate ladder-climbing, and a female-only network for support on gender-specific challenges. Harvard Business Review found that women benefit from male mentors for career advancement, while an inner circle of two to four women provides a forum to discuss issues they might feel uncomfortable sharing with men.
Making authentic connections requires knowing your narrative-your skills and direction-intimately. When you connect with ideal clients or partners, you must be prepared to tell your story compellingly. If you've elevated your mission to something audacious that can change the world, others will naturally want to join.
Don't hesitate to ask people about their connections-as long as you give as much as you take. Most people enjoy connecting others. After clarifying your goals, revisit dormant ties to see if they fit your constellation. Even if they don't, they might know someone who does.
Sometimes your mission needs adjustment to accommodate world changes. When the pandemic hit, The Conduit had to shut its doors under UK government orders. Rather than panicking, they asked, "How do we serve our community?" and pivoted to digital programming and webinars reaching 15,000 participants. When you have an elevated purpose and clarity about your mission, you can quickly adapt even when circumstances dramatically change.
Take time to evaluate the diversity in your professional network across age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, and geography. Consider whether you're drawing a diverse group around shared goals. Diverse conversations enhance both personal and professional lives by providing valuable insights into how your company might better serve existing audiences or expand into new ones.
When you live according to The Lost Art of Connecting, work and life blend into one shining constellation because meaningful work doesn't feel like work at all. Though McPherson might be remembered for "getting sh*t done," she did it with help from her friends-those connections made along life's path. When you love what you do and who you do it with, there really is no work at all.
