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The Strength Within: Discovering Tenacity in Our Children
Have you ever wondered why some children thrive despite overwhelming obstacles while others struggle even with abundant support? This question has fascinated psychologists for decades, and in "Tenacity in Children," renowned child psychologists Sam Goldstein and Robert Brooks offer a revolutionary perspective. Drawing from three decades of clinical experience, they reveal that beyond resilience and self-discipline lies a deeper quality-tenacity-that fuels human development. The book has become a cornerstone text in developmental psychology programs worldwide, with celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Kristen Bell citing its influence on their parenting approaches. What makes this work particularly significant is its timing-published amid growing concerns about declining childhood mental health, it offers a science-backed alternative to the deficit-focused approaches that have dominated child psychology for generations. As we navigate an increasingly complex world, could understanding these seven instincts of tenacity be the key to raising children who not only survive but truly flourish?
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From Deficits to Strengths: A Thirty-Year Journey
For three decades, we've witnessed a profound transformation in how we understand child development. The traditional medical model focused primarily on identifying what was wrong with children-diagnosing disorders, labeling deficits, and prescribing treatments. While this approach helped create a standardized system for addressing childhood challenges, it created blinders that restricted our view of the whole child.
Working with severely challenged children taught us that assessing what's wrong yields limited information about a child's potential. A more comprehensive approach involves identifying strengths across multiple domains-developmental milestones, interests, emotional regulation, behavior patterns, intellectual capabilities, and relationships. This holistic perspective reveals much more about what a child might accomplish.
Our ability to predict adult outcomes proved less accurate than we initially believed. Some children with significant struggles thrived as adults, while others who seemed on positive trajectories faltered without comparable support. We discovered that merely treating symptoms, while necessary for immediate relief, doesn't significantly change future outcomes. For example, ADHD medication helps children function better in the moment but isn't sufficient alone to ensure happy, successful transitions to adult life.
Through countless interactions with children like Adam, who could focus perfectly when discussing baseball cards despite an attention deficit diagnosis, and Seth, who questioned why being repeatedly sent to the quiet room wasn't improving his behavior, we learned that controlling responses often fail when underlying needs remain unaddressed.
Our collaboration led us to focus increasingly on resilience-"the ability to deal effectively with stress and pressure, cope with everyday challenges, bounce back from disappointments and trauma, develop realistic goals, solve problems, relate comfortably with others, and treat oneself and others with respect." We identified the beliefs and behaviors of resilient individuals to develop strategies for nurturing these qualities in children.
Moving from a medical to a resilience model required shifting focus from pathology to strengths-what we call "islands of competence." Early in our careers, we spent most of our time with parents and teachers discussing children's problems rather than their interests and strengths. We realized that dwelling on deficits reinforced negative emotions and pessimism.
Gavin's case exemplifies the power of this approach. This 10-year-old boy, referred for aggression and hiding behind bushes, surprised us by revealing his interest in caring for his pet dog. When the principal appointed Gavin as the school's "Pet Monitor" and his teacher helped him write a book about pet care for the school library, his problematic behaviors ceased. Gavin later explained, "I used to think it was better hitting another kid and being sent to the principal's office or hiding behind the bushes than being in the classroom where I felt like a dummy."
Resilience research consistently shows that children's resilience is rooted in relationships with caring, supportive adults. Psychologist Julius Segal noted that "from studies conducted around the world, researchers have distilled a number of factors that enable such children of misfortune to beat the heavy odds against them. One factor turns out to be the presence in their lives of a charismatic adult-a person from whom they can gather strength."
After co-authoring several books about resilience and self-discipline, we recognized a third major concept-tenacity. We view the seven instincts of Tenacity as framing our beliefs and providing fuel for our emotions and thoughts to help us be resilient and achieve self-discipline.
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The Seven Instincts: Building Blocks of Human Potential
For thousands of generations, parents, relatives, and communities raised children to become successful adults without schools, institutions, or parenting books. This was accomplished by caregivers drawing upon seven important instincts that evolved over tens of thousands of years. While in some species instincts are fixed behavioral patterns, in humans they represent intuitive ways of thinking and acting that increase chances of survival and success.
These instincts depend on experience-knowing what to do and doing what you know are not synonymous. They remain crucial in preparing today's children for tomorrow's successes. The seven instincts comprising Tenacity provide the power to build self-discipline and resilience, requiring nurturing from caring, knowledgeable adults.
Intuitive Optimism is best described as being "born believing." The more complex the species and the more tasks to master, the more important it is to believe success is attainable. Children don't need to learn solely through experience-they intuitively believe that with caregiver assistance and perseverance, they'll succeed. This explains why children try repeatedly to master tasks despite having no knowledge of their capacity.
Intrinsic Motivation works from the inside out, rooted in the joy of engagement and eventual success. Unlike motivation driven by coercion or rewards, it comes from creating opportunities for children to experience pleasure in activities. Young children don't ask for rewards to play in a sandbox-their curiosity driven by Intuitive Optimism is sufficient.
Compassionate Empathy combines the ability to understand others' perspectives with the motivation to act caringly toward them. Without this capacity, relationships become difficult as one struggles to interpret others' feelings and intentions. This instinct is essential for emotional and social intelligence, facilitating effective communication.
Simultaneous Intelligence is the instinct that guides our practical understanding of how elements of a problem fit together into a solution. At its core, it's the process of reasoning and critical thinking to solve problems, transcending cultural boundaries.
Genuine Altruism is the unselfish concern for others' welfare with no expectation of return. This rare instinct may be uniquely human, though researchers have demonstrated it in children as young as 18 months who readily help others achieve their goals without reciprocity.
Virtuous Responsibility combines ethical principles with accountability for one's actions. It goes beyond merely accepting blame to encompass meeting responsibilities that protect and enrich society. Young children possess an inborn desire to be helpful and take pleasure in contributory activities.
The instinct of Measured Fairness lies at the foundation of our social selves. For thousands of generations, fairness within families and tribes ensured everyone's survival through equal contribution. This explains why unfairness bothers us so deeply and why children frequently protest "that's not fair."
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Born Believing: The Power of Intuitive Optimism
Intuitive Optimism represents "born believing"-children intuitively know and believe that with perseverance, they'll ultimately succeed. Various psychological frameworks help understand this concept, including dispositional optimism (expecting good things in the future), learned optimism (positive explanatory styles for events), and attribution theory (how we explain successes and failures). Optimistic children view their successes as determined by their own resources, while pessimistic children attribute achievements to external factors like luck, making it difficult to maintain optimism about future success.
Research demonstrates that optimism contributes significantly to both physical and emotional well-being. Optimistic individuals show reduced risk of heart disease, stroke, lung capacity decline, and lower risk of early death from cancer and infection. Studies controlling for chronic physical illness and health-related behaviors found higher levels of optimism associated with greater longevity.
To foster Intuitive Optimism, parents should reinforce "personal control" from an early age. Optimistic people focus their energy on situations they can influence rather than trying to change what they cannot control. They adopt an "authors of our own lives" mentality, recognizing that while certain situations may be beyond their control, they can control their attitude and response.
Children struggle to develop personal control and optimism when they don't know how to approach challenges. Parents should help children clearly define problems before attempting to solve them. When parents and children disagree about whether a problem exists (like a messy room), validating statements such as "I know you don't see this as a problem, but let me explain why I do" create a cooperative atmosphere. The next step is considering multiple solutions together rather than parents simply dictating answers, which deprives children of developing their own problem-solving skills.
Dr. Gabriele Oettingen's research shows that combining positive thinking with realistic obstacle identification ("mental contrasting") leads to better outcomes than focusing solely on wishes or dwelling only on obstacles. This approach helps children prepare for the possibility that their first strategy might fail.
Identifying each child's islands of competence shifts from a "deficit" to a "strength-based" approach. When children like Gavin (the "pet monitor") are encouraged to pursue their areas of competence and these are honored by adults, their instinct of Intuitive Optimism grows stronger. Through interventions like art classes, school displays of work, and teaching younger children, children develop a more positive mindset that acknowledges struggles while appreciating talents.
Contributing to others' well-being nurtures a sense of purpose and meaning that strengthens Intuitive Optimism. Research shows that some of people's fondest school memories involve being asked to help others. In one study, at-risk teenagers became more hopeful and less likely to drop out when asked to read to elementary students.
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Inside Out: Nurturing Intrinsic Motivation
Contingent rewards rarely produce lasting behavioral changes. When rewards stop, behavior typically returns to baseline. Self-Determination Theory (SDT) by psychologists Deci and Ryan questions the effectiveness of extrinsic motivation and proposes that people are intrinsically motivated when certain inner needs are satisfied. In one study, children who were paid to read actually stopped reading when payments ceased.
Deci and Ryan identify four fundamental needs: belonging and connectedness (the need for attachment and security), self-determination and autonomy (which is undermined by external rewards), competence (the ability to understand and master one's world), and purpose (the desire to enrich others' lives). When these needs are fulfilled, intrinsic motivation flourishes; when unmet, motivation diminishes.
Relationships and connectedness are essential for nurturing the instincts of Tenacity. Children engage more enthusiastically in tasks when adults show acceptance, encouragement, and love. Conversely, when negative emotions dominate parent-child relationships, intrinsic motivation suffers. Children experience belonging when they feel unconditional love from parents.
Many well-meaning parents mistakenly offer contingent reinforcers for everything their children do, inadvertently undermining intrinsic motivation. The case of thirteen-year-old George illustrates this problem-his parents focused on his deficits rather than his strengths, offering rewards for activities he disliked while ignoring his passion for gardening. When his parents finally recognized and supported his "island of competence," George flourished.
When parents recognize their children's need for autonomy, intrinsic motivation flourishes. Rather than rigidly enforcing limits, parents can give children ownership by involving them in setting boundaries and choosing how they want to be reminded when time is up. This approach respects growing independence while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Intrinsic motivation thrives when children can demonstrate competence in areas they value. Without these opportunities, children often develop "avoidance motivation," escaping situations that highlight weaknesses. Success in one area creates a ripple effect, building confidence to tackle challenges elsewhere.
Children possess an innate need to help others, which powerfully reinforces intrinsic motivation. Activities that convey "You are enriching others' lives" tap into this instinct. The case of Peter, a 10-year-old with ADHD who struggled in school, found new purpose and focus when asked to help first-graders pack up at day's end. This role required him to develop his own organizational skills first, transforming a weakness into an opportunity to contribute meaningfully to others.
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The Heart of Connection: Compassionate Empathy
Compassionate Empathy combines understanding another's world emotionally with using that understanding to improve others' lives. Business leader James Allworth surprisingly identified empathy as "the most valuable thing they teach at Harvard Business School," noting it helps people "step out of your own shoes and put yourself into those of someone else." Psychologist Daniel Goleman describes empathy as "the fundamental competence of social awareness" and essential for recognizing others' needs.
While empathy involves taking another's perspective and feeling their emotions, compassion adds the desire to help. Dr. Dacher Keltner suggests compassion is essential to human evolutionary history, defining us as "the super caregiving species" where "acts of care improve our physical health." Sara Schairer describes empathy as "viscerally feeling what another feels" through mirror neurons, while compassion adds the action component of alleviating suffering.
Empathy and compassion exist in nascent form from birth. Dr. Paul Ekman notes that empathy has deep roots in our brains and bodies, with evidence of elementary forms appearing in very young children, primates, dogs, and rats. Research suggests a genetic basis for empathy, though people can enhance or restrict their natural empathic abilities.
Psychologists Erin and David Walsh observe that thanks to mirror neurons, infants as young as 18 months show responsiveness to other infants in distress-they're born hardwired to map others' experiences in their brains. Primatologist Frans de Waal concluded that examples of empathy in other animals suggest a long evolutionary history of this capacity in humans.
Parents can nurture empathy and compassion from birth through natural caregiving activities. Dr. Andy Meltzoff's research shows newborns demonstrate imitative learning within hours of birth, responding to others' actions. In one EEG study, when a baby watched another baby's foot being touched, the foot area in the observing baby's somatosensory cortex activated-a fundamental neurobiological basis for empathy.
When parents tenderly hold, soothe, smile at, and speak softly to their babies, they reinforce Compassionate Empathy. Cradling a distressed one-year-old won't lead to spoiling but rather helps children feel safe and secure, making them more sensitive to others' emotional needs. Dr. David Sack emphasizes that babies learn empathy when parents consistently meet their needs, and children who can count on caregivers for emotional support are more likely to offer help to others.
Self-compassion is closely aligned with compassion toward others and particularly relevant for parents modeling behaviors. Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as "treating yourself with the same kind, caring support and understanding that you would show to anyone you cared about," noting most people make harsh self-judgments they would never direct at others.
A common parental misconception is that empathy interferes with discipline. Empathy doesn't mean abandoning discipline, but rather that discipline works best without intimidation or humiliation. Modeling empathy and suggesting calmer approaches helps parents improve relationships with children through positive interactions.
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Seeing the Whole Picture: Simultaneous Intelligence
Simultaneous Intelligence allows us to combine seemingly unconnected information into a cohesive whole to better understand, interpret, and solve problems. While neuropsychologist A.R. Luria first proposed simultaneous ability as the core of intelligence in 1973, scientists Mercier and Sperber argue it serves not only for decision-making but also for justifying our beliefs to others through argument.
They suggest reasoning evolved to enhance communication reliability by enabling us to argue claims and assess others' arguments. This strategic reasoning allows us to anticipate disagreement and create counter-arguments. Empathy, altruism, fairness, and responsibility play critical roles in reaching compromise when reasoning reaches impasses.
Language development is the principal reason Homo sapiens evolved successfully, providing the unique capacity to compare and integrate information in ways other primates cannot. While some children develop Simultaneous Intelligence naturally, structured experiences significantly enhance its growth.
Research shows children become more effective learners when taught to explain their problem-solving processes. Explicitly teaching strategies to enhance Simultaneous Intelligence improves problem-solving abilities, independent learning, and creativity. Simultaneous Intelligence is instinctual-genetic predispositions must be nurtured through experience to develop optimally.
Parents and educators can nurture Simultaneous Intelligence through several practical approaches: Start early by teaching young children to explain their reasoning; avoid preaching and instead model effective thinking; encourage questioning; ask children to consider alternative explanations; help them clarify meaning; and discuss how biases affect thinking.
Stephen Kramer's group at Bright Horizons offers valuable exercises to improve critical thinking: Provide opportunities for play where children explore cause and effect; pause and wait, giving children time to think before intervening; don't intervene immediately but observe what your child is doing; ask open-ended questions rather than giving answers; help children develop hypotheses during play; and encourage thinking in new ways to develop creative problem-solving skills.
When necessary, parents should model their critical thinking process by verbalizing thoughts, as children learn by observation. Taking time to allow children to navigate problems independently is essential for developing their Simultaneous Intelligence.
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The Gift of Giving: Genuine Altruism
Genuine Altruism is an unselfish concern for and support of others. While Compassionate Empathy focuses on alleviating others' distress, Genuine Altruism extends to enriching others' lives even when distress isn't present. The "genuine" qualifier emphasizes that children's altruistic behavior isn't predicated on receiving concrete benefits or rewards.
Research by psychologists Dr. Felix Warneken and Dr. Michael Tomasello provides strong evidence for the genetic basis of altruism as an instinctual expression in very young children. Challenging the conventional view that altruism stems solely from social norms and parental teaching, Warneken's research journey began when he observed a toddler spontaneously helping him retrieve a dropped ball.
In subsequent studies, children spontaneously helped adults who "accidentally" dropped items or couldn't open cabinet doors while carrying objects. Importantly, the children helped significantly less often in control situations where assistance wasn't necessary, showing they could differentiate between accidental and purposeful acts.
Further research revealed that providing material rewards for helping actually decreased children's subsequent helping behaviors compared to children who received no rewards. This finding parallels research on Intrinsic Motivation, suggesting that instinctual behaviors like altruism are fueled by internal forces rather than external rewards.
Physiological studies by Dr. Jonas Miller at UC Davis found that children who donated tokens to help fictitious ill children displayed greater vagal flexibility and higher vagal tone, indicating better physiological regulation. This suggests we might be hardwired from a young age to derive a sense of safety from providing care for others.
While research shows that even 18-month-olds engage in altruistic behaviors without adult modeling, genuine altruism is reinforced when children witness significant adults in their lives acting altruistically and enjoying doing so. Parents can nurture this instinct by reflecting on questions about their own experiences with altruism and identifying such behaviors in their children.
The case of Sy and Jean Lester illustrates common parental challenges in nurturing altruism. They sought counseling because their daughters Hannah (9) and Angie (7) rarely helped without being asked and then demanded rewards for assistance. Despite initially observing natural altruistic tendencies in their young children, the parents began rewarding every helpful behavior, which backfired, turning their daughters into "little negotiators."
During therapy, Sy and Jean recognized they needed to change their own behaviors first. Having grown up without models of altruism or appreciation, they realized they rarely demonstrated helpfulness toward each other. With guidance, they began showing more affection and appreciation in front of their children.
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Taking Ownership: Virtuous Responsibility
Virtuous Responsibility emerges as both an instinct and a behavior that requires careful nurturing. While some might think responsibility is merely acquired through punitive experiences, it's actually an instinctual drive that works in concert with compassionate empathy. This instinct encompasses making good decisions, demonstrating trustworthiness, and being accountable for one's actions.
Though scientific research supporting its instinctual foundation isn't as robust as for the other six instincts, children naturally display a drive to act responsibly, particularly through contributory activities. When parents fail to hold children accountable, this instinct weakens, causing children to remain self-centered and rarely display caring behaviors.
Tim and Maryanne Fields sought help regarding their eight-year-old son Chip, who was struggling with dyslexia, immaturity, and responsibility issues. Their younger son Will, age six, was beginning to copy his brother's problematic behaviors. The parents described an exhausting household where the children refused to complete simple tasks like picking up toys or putting away clothes.
Tim admitted his difficulty setting limits stemmed from guilt about his work schedule and fear his sons would resent him like he resented his own father. When the boys wanted toys at the mall, they would plead relentlessly until Tim gave in, often claiming "You don't love me" if he initially refused.
Maryanne revealed how her harsh upbringing influenced her parenting style. Her parents imposed strict discipline and unrealistic expectations, valuing her accomplishments only to make themselves look good as parents. This "conditional love" made her determined not to parent the same way. In their attempt to be better parents than their own, they had swung too far in the opposite direction, failing to hold their sons accountable.
Children actually feel safer when parents set realistic guidelines with appropriate consequences. While children won't verbally thank parents for setting limits, these boundaries are essential for developing responsibility. Being "good" parents sometimes requires tolerating children's temporary anger when establishing necessary boundaries.
To address accusations of nagging, parents can ask their children "Do you think we're nagging you?" and then respond, "I'm glad I asked. I really don't want to come across as nagging. So I'd like to figure out with you how we can meet our responsibilities without any nagging." This opens dialogue about responsibilities and expectations.
Natural consequences occur without parental intervention-like a child getting cold hands after refusing to wear gloves. Logical consequences involve parental action in response to behavior, such as not driving a child to school when they deliberately miss the bus, or requiring a child to use their savings to replace a stolen bicycle they left outside despite warnings.
Setting expectations below a child's capability can convey a belief that they're incapable, fostering self-doubt and avoidance of challenges. It's difficult to take responsibility for a situation you believe can't improve-loss of hope triggers escape rather than confrontation of problems.
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The Fairness Factor: Measured Fairness
Children's protests of "That's not fair!" are so universal that one mother joked there must be a "fairness gene." Indeed, our sense of fairness appears to be inborn. Even primates like capuchin monkeys demonstrate strong reactions to unfair treatment, with one study showing monkeys rejecting cucumber rewards when they observed others receiving preferred grapes for the same task.
Dr. Jing Li and colleagues noted that "Fairness is one of the most important foundations of morality and may have played a key role in the evolution of cooperation in human beings." Their research revealed that children begin comprehending fairness between ages four and six, with four-year-olds distributing resources selfishly while five-year-olds share more equitably. By ages six and seven, children not only share equally but willingly relinquish excess resources to avoid having more than others.
Smith and Warneken investigated whether children's fairness responses extend to punishments as well as rewards. Their research with 123 children aged four to ten revealed that younger children (four-to-five years) preferred equal distribution of both rewards and punishments regardless of behavior, while older children and adults favored equitable allocation based on deservingness.
Research across seven countries by Dr. Peter Blake and colleagues revealed that while Measured Fairness is inborn, its expression is shaped by cultural forces. Using a "Skittle-ator" apparatus, they found children universally rejected "bad deals" (receiving less than others), though Mexican children from a close-knit Mayan community that discouraged competition did so at a later age. More interestingly, only children from the USA, Canada, and Uganda rejected "good deals" (receiving more than peers) around age eight, suggesting this aspect of fairness is culturally influenced.
Many individuals facing difficult circumstances have recognized that dwelling on questions like "It's not fair!" or "Why me?" hinders living a purposeful life. Christopher Reeve's experience after his tragic accident offers profound insights. Despite becoming quadriplegic at age 43, he moved beyond questioning to finding meaning, emphasizing that while life may be random, we can still derive purpose from tragedy.
Three powerful destructive instincts-what we call the "unholy trinity"-exist alongside the seven instincts comprising Tenacity. Though once adaptive in our evolutionary history, these instincts now manifest as harmful "isms" like racism, sexism, ageism, and intellectualism that challenge Measured Fairness and Compassionate Empathy.
Parents model and reinforce Measured Fairness through daily interactions and discussions about current events involving bias and bigotry. Board games provide opportunities to practice fairness behaviors like taking turns, following rules, and handling winning and losing graciously.
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Balancing Ancient Instincts in a Modern World
The brain dance concept explains how even the most patient people can lose control under stress, acting on emotional impulse rather than thoughtful assessment. This happens because our primitive instincts override our rational thinking. The process of maturation involves learning to create a window between experience and response, allowing our frontal lobes to guide us rationally despite the middle brain's quicker emotional reactions.
Three destructive instincts-rigid adherence to belief, fear of difference, and defensive aggression-form what we call the "unholy trinity." These instincts once ensured our survival but now cause societal chaos. They explain conflicts between political parties, countries, ethnic groups, religions, and economic classes, where each group believes they're right, fears others, and sometimes resorts to violence to enforce their ideology.
Belief evolved as a crucial survival mechanism, helping our ancestors navigate an unpredictable environment. While belief can be valuable in the absence of facts, rigid adherence to erroneous beliefs despite contradicting evidence becomes destructive.
Our ancestors survived by avoiding the unfamiliar-foraging in the same places, drinking from familiar water sources, and associating only with known tribe members. This fear of difference kept them alive but became generalized in our genes and biology.
Defensive aggression evolved as a survival mechanism. Three-year-old Lynsey, who had significant language delays, resorted to biting classmates when unable to communicate verbally. After receiving speech therapy and specialized education, her speech blossomed along with her social skills, and she no longer needed to resort to aggression when upset.
Fifty thousand years ago, acting on these three basic instincts increased our chances of survival under stress. Today, these unchecked instincts are responsible for much that's wrong with our world. By providing opportunities to develop the instincts comprising Tenacity, we strengthen children's ability to manage irrational beliefs, accept differences, and solve problems without aggression.
No matter how advanced our programming algorithms become, we will never program instinct into computers, nor replace empathy, responsibility, fairness, altruism, optimism, or motivation. Computers lack consciousness and self-awareness. Professor Michael Graziano suggests consciousness evolved as a solution to processing overwhelming environmental information, developing gradually over half a billion years.
As technology races ahead at breakneck speed, potentially outpacing our human capacity to cope, we remain cautiously optimistic that understanding our instincts will help prepare future generations. Our optimism stems not just from knowledge, but from witnessing the tenacity, resilience, self-discipline, and creativity of thousands of children and families throughout our careers.
