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Unlocking Pleasure's Secret Code: How Smart Sex Transforms Lives
In a world where pleasure is often dismissed as sinful or selfish, Emily Morse's "Smart Sex" offers a revolutionary proposition: what if pleasure was the angel all along? This groundbreaking guide has become a favorite among celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and has been featured on platforms from The Today Show to Cosmopolitan. Morse's approach resonates deeply in our achievement-obsessed culture, where we've mastered productivity but forgotten how to feel good. As the host of the wildly popular podcast "Sex with Emily" since 2005, Morse has answered thousands of intimate questions from listeners worldwide. Her doctorate in human sexuality combines with her warm, approachable style to create what many call "the sex education we should have received but never did." In a time when loneliness and disconnection have reached epidemic proportions, this book arrives as an essential roadmap back to our bodies, our desires, and ultimately, ourselves.
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The Five Pillars of Sexual Intelligence
Sex IQ isn't about scoring your sexual knowledge but understanding yourself as a sexual being through five essential pillars. Most people seek quick fixes for sexual problems-supplements for low libido or vibrators for orgasm difficulties. While these solutions help temporarily, they rarely address underlying issues. Sex IQ offers a framework to understand your unique sexual nature and clear away common myths about sex.
Before exploring the pillars, we must understand desire itself. Your brain is your largest sexual organ-where desire and arousal begin. Recent research distinguishes between spontaneous desire (occurring automatically) and responsive desire (requiring stimulus). Spontaneous desire often dominates early relationships but may fade over time. Responsive desire needs triggers like touch, affection, or dirty talk to develop. Generally, penis owners experience more spontaneous desire, while vulva owners often have responsive desire, requiring a "runway" to arousal.
The first pillar, Embodiment, means developing awareness that integrates mind and body in constant conversation. When we're embodied during sex, we tune into every sensation rather than being lost in thoughts about performance. Children naturally embody this state before socialization conditions us away from our felt experiences. Three practices help us become more embodied: mindful movement (like yoga or dancing), meditation (which helps us disengage from distracting thoughts), and breath work (which connects us to our body).
Numbing-distracting ourselves from feelings through mindless eating, social media scrolling, or excessive drinking-undermines our Sex IQ. These activities provide quick dopamine hits that trick us into thinking we're experiencing pleasure, but they quickly fade, leaving us unsatisfied. The more we practice numbing, the stronger those muscles become, making it increasingly difficult to return to the presence needed for genuine pleasure.
The second pillar, Health, refers not to appearance but to overall vitality affecting sexual wellness. Physical health impacts arousal through blood flow, while mental health issues directly affect pleasure capacity. Hormones like estrogen, progesterone and testosterone regulate desire and arousal, fluctuating throughout menstrual cycles and declining with age. Many medications, particularly antidepressants and birth control, cause sexual side effects by disrupting hormone balance. The gut microbiome directly impacts sex hormone levels, with research showing connections between gut diversity and sexual function.
The third pillar, Collaboration, means working with partners to co-create meaningful intimate experiences. Sexual energy manifests as feelings of arousal you can tune into through embodiment. When deeply connected, you can feel your partner's energy through breath, touch, and eye contact. Polarity creates sexual attraction through opposing energies-masculine (mission-driven, decisive) and feminine (open, intuitive, creative). Intentionally playing with these energies can reignite sexual chemistry in long-term relationships.
Self-Knowledge, the fourth pillar, means understanding your unique arousal patterns. The desire inventory helps identify specific conditions that enhance your sexual excitement, such as needing to feel safe or having your partner flirt with you first. Understanding your core desires-the specific feelings you want to experience during sex-takes this self-knowledge deeper. Whether you desire to feel adored, powerful, naughty, or something else entirely, recognizing these patterns helps create sexual scenarios that truly satisfy you.
The final pillar, Self-Acceptance, requires accepting all aspects of yourself-your body, needs, sexual history, and unique desires. Self-acceptance doesn't mean believing you're perfect; it's practicing self-compassion and monitoring negative self-talk that prevents intimacy. Sexual confidence comes not from perfection or extensive experience, but from neutrality-living in harmony with yourself without judgment.
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Confronting the Pleasure Thieves
Our emotional blocks often prevent us from experiencing true sexual pleasure. Many of us rush through life, constantly distracted and stressed, unable to transition from work mode to erotic mode. Even when physically present for intimacy, our minds remain elsewhere, creating a disconnect that no partner can overcome.
The three most common "Pleasure Thieves" are stress, trauma, and shame (STS). Stress is the default mode in our culture, but accepting constant stress as inevitable is unhealthy and robs us of pleasure. Our bodies can't experience stress and pleasure simultaneously-they operate on different nervous systems. When stressed, our sympathetic nervous system activates (fight/flight/freeze), while pleasure requires the parasympathetic system ("rest and digest"). The solution? Aim for a "Pleasure Percent" of 25% of waking hours spent doing pleasurable activities, which trains your nervous system to remain calm and present.
To combat stress, three approaches work wonders: exercise releases feel-good hormones while reducing cortisol; deep breathing techniques like 4-7-8 breathing switch off the sympathetic nervous system; and positive social interaction boosts oxytocin levels, creating a virtuous cycle of connection and reduced stress.
Trauma, both "big T" (like sexual assault) and "little T" (like embarrassing moments), creates protective responses that interfere with pleasure. When unresolved, these traumas become stored in our bodies, causing involuntary reactions to triggers. Healing involves awareness of these patterns, therapy, movement, and gradually inviting pleasure back. By recognizing how your body responds to triggers and creating new associations with safety and delight, you can rewire your brain and experience fuller pleasure despite past trauma.
Unlike guilt ("I did something bad"), shame runs deeper with the belief "I am bad." Sexual shame manifests as questioning if you're normal or feeling fundamentally flawed. This thief operates through four patterns: rejection shame (fear of being unlovable, leading to people-pleasing), exposure shame (fear of being "found out" for something "wrong"), self-blame shame (taking responsibility for others' feelings and actions), and internalized judgment shame (believing only certain bodies deserve pleasure).
The language around shame is problematic-"shameless" implies being amoral or selfish, suggesting that shame equals goodness. To reframe this Pleasure Thief, view shame as unwanted software installed by someone else. Combat shame physically through movement, deep breathing, and social connection. Sharing feelings with trusted people helps you feel less broken. Most importantly, focus on what actually feels good through bodily exploration. The path from shame-filled to shame-free takes time, but with practice, you'll reclaim your pleasure.
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The Foundation of Sexual Empowerment
Solo sex is the foundation of sexual empowerment and pleasure. We must create our own body's "owner's manual" by tracking what brings us pleasure and sharing this knowledge with partners, who are often grateful for the direction. Masturbation isn't just enjoyable-it's essential self-care that liberates us from performance pressure and connects us deeply with our bodies.
Masturbation releases happiness hormones (serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins), decreases stress, strengthens self-acceptance, eases anxiety and depression, soothes menstrual symptoms, improves sleep, and boosts immunity. Despite these benefits, many avoid it due to shame or myths-penis owners won't "waste seed" or go blind; vulva owners won't become "addicted" to vibrators. Importantly, your partner's masturbation has nothing to do with you-their fantasies or porn preferences aren't replacements for you but enhancements to their erotic imagination.
Beyond quick "maintenance masturbation," mindful masturbation invites deeper exploration of your body. Start by creating a sensual environment-clear clutter, light candles, play music. Begin with non-genital pleasure zones, slowly caressing your neck, nipples, belly, and thighs with varying pressure. Note which touches create excitement, joy, or discomfort in your "owner's manual." When intrusive thoughts arise, acknowledge them and return to your breath. Remember: there's no goal-your pleasure is its own reward.
For vulva owners, begin with Vulva Cupping-placing your palm over your vulva and gently rocking your hips-to ground yourself and connect with your body. When ready, explore your outer labia with different touches, going exceptionally slow to register sensations. Find your clitoris and experiment with tapping, rubbing, circles, and varying pressure. As arousal increases, explore your G-spot with a "come here" motion 1-2 inches inside the front vaginal wall.
For penis owners, mindful masturbation focuses on slowing down, discovering non-porn pathways to pleasure, and gaining orgasm control. Break habitual patterns by using your non-dominant hand and experimenting with different grips, rhythms, and directions. Pay special attention to the penis head, dividing it into quadrants to identify your most sensitive areas. Don't neglect the frenulum and testes, which are underrated erogenous zones.
Enhance solo pleasure with fantasy, allowing your mind to wander without judgment. Remember that fantasies aren't necessarily wishes-you might fantasize about scenarios you'd never want in reality. Nothing enhances pleasure more than lube-I dream of seeing it on every nightstand! Different types serve different purposes: CBD-infused "pre-lubes" enhance blood flow; water-based lubes feel natural; silicone-based lubes last longer; and oil-based options work great for massages but aren't safe with condoms.
Sex toys aren't just for vulva owners-they enhance everyone's pleasure. For vulva owners, bullet vibes offer an accessible entry point, while wands deliver significantly more power. Newer suction toys mimic oral sex through gentle air pulsation. For penis owners, sleeves with internal textures simulate penetrative sex, while vibrating rings can stimulate the perineum and prostate.
Mutual masturbation combines solo pleasure with partnered intimacy-you touch yourself while your partner does the same. It's incredibly arousing to watch a partner pleasure themselves, guarantees your own orgasm, and serves as an educational experience. Don't be nervous-showing sexual confidence is hypnotically attractive to partners.
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The Magic of Sexual Communication
While I've always considered myself a natural communicator, I discovered a significant blind spot in my abilities. Though I excelled at conversation when everything was going well, I had no idea how to communicate through conflict, whether about needing more space or expressing sexual dissatisfaction. Most sexual problems in relationships have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with communication. The cultural silence around sex keeps it shrouded in mystery, making it seem simpler to avoid the subject completely. But communication isn't what robs sex of its magic-communication IS the magic.
For successful sexual communication, follow my Three Ts: Timing, Tone, and Turf. Timing means choosing moments when you're both relaxed and using the HALT principle-avoid conversations when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. For Tone, lead with curiosity and compassion rather than blame, using "I feel" statements and avoiding accusatory words like "never" and "always." For Turf, never have these conversations in the bedroom-choose neutral spaces like the living room, during walks, or car rides where the pressure is off.
When providing feedback about sexual preferences, the Compliment Sandwich technique works wonders-start with sincere praise, deliver your request, then end with more affirmation. For example, if you want your partner to slow down: "I love how much you desire me, and that you just want to ravage me. It's so hot. I'd love it if you teased me a bit more and we took our time so I get nice and wet. It'll make things even hotter for both of us."
The Sexual Bucket List conversation opens up imagination and turns you into co-conspirators with your partner. Start by asking "Is there anything you've always wanted to try in the bedroom?" or make it a game where you each write down your top three bucket list items and trade lists. Even without perfect alignment, learning about each other's desires is crucial for mutual pleasure.
To normalize sexual communication, aim for a monthly Sexual State of the Union conversation. This structured check-in helps both partners understand what's working and what isn't in your sex life. Make it part of a date night-it can even serve as conversational foreplay. Key questions include: What are you enjoying about our sex life right now? What would you like more of? What's something new you'd like to try?
Flirting builds sexual tension through playful communication that often disappears in long-term relationships. True flirting isn't about immediate gratification but creating anticipation through suggestive (not explicit) behavior and patient (not desperate) energy. Sexting is one effective flirtation method, but requires proper preparation: get consent first, agree on privacy expectations, and check your phone settings to avoid embarrassing mishaps.
Consent is non-negotiable and can actually enhance rather than kill the mood. Instead of asking "Is it okay to kiss you?" try "I'm wondering what it would be like to kiss you"-turning permission into collaboration. Consent must be ongoing; saying yes initially doesn't mean you can't pause or stop later. Listen to your body-if it's not a "Hell, yes" then it's a "Hell, no." Setting clear boundaries before sexual encounters helps everyone relax and establishes trust.
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The Path to More Powerful Orgasms
Over twenty years, I transformed from someone who never experienced orgasms and regularly faked them to becoming multi-orgasmic, with a personal record of twenty-three orgasms in one night. This journey taught me that orgasms are rhythmic contractions in the genitals and pelvic floor muscles following peak arousal-essentially pleasurable muscle spasms requiring coordination between nerve endings, blood flow, muscles, and the brain.
I challenge the binary view of "male" versus "female" orgasms, noting that orgasm science remains understudied-the clitoris was recently discovered to have 10,000 nerve endings, not 8,000 as previously thought. I debunk Freud's harmful theory that "mature" vulva owners should experience vaginal rather than clitoral orgasms, explaining this misconception created the persistent orgasm gap: 95% of penis owners usually orgasm during heterosexual encounters versus only 65% of vulva owners. The reality is that 80% of vulva owners require external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, with only 20% climaxing from penetration alone.
The clitoris is much larger than just its visible tip-like an iceberg, most exists below the surface. The visible glans connects to internal structures: clitoral legs (crura) and bulbs that form a V-shaped wishbone surrounding the vaginal canal and urethra. This entire structure contains hypersensitive nerve endings that can be stimulated both externally and internally to produce orgasm.
The G-area (often called G-spot) is located about two inches inside the vagina on the front wall, feeling like a ridged texture similar to a walnut. It swells during arousal, becoming more prominent and sensitive. Contrary to popular belief, penis-in-vagina intercourse isn't the most effective way to stimulate it. Combining G-area stimulation with clitoral stimulation often works best, and this combination can lead to squirting (female ejaculation). Studies show 69% of vulva owners can ejaculate fluid from the Skene's glands during orgasm.
Vulva owners have an advantage when it comes to multiple orgasms due to their shorter refractory periods compared to penis owners. For vulva owners wanting to experience multiple orgasms, start with solo exploration using favorite masturbation techniques. Begin with clitoral stimulation, then after the first orgasm, focus on other erogenous zones like nipples to maintain arousal while the clitoris recovers. Deep breathing is crucial-visualize breath flowing into the pelvis. Don't be afraid to vocalize, as moaning stimulates the vagus nerve running from neck to cervix, helping maintain a relaxed state conducive to pleasure.
Edging involves repeatedly approaching orgasm and backing off before climaxing, making the eventual release more powerful and controlled. For penis owners, it helps manage premature ejaculation; for vulva owners, it builds intensity. Using a 1-10 scale (where 10 is orgasm), work up to 7-8 before backing off, then repeat before finally allowing release.
The pelvic floor acts like a hammock supporting vital organs and directly impacts sexual health. Strong pelvic floor muscles lead to more powerful orgasms by providing more muscle fibers to stimulate genital nerve endings. To perform Kegels: empty your bladder, sit comfortably, squeeze muscles as if stopping urine flow, hold for 3-5 seconds, release, and repeat ten times, three times daily.
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The Intimate Art of Oral Pleasure
In my early thirties, I dated a guy who gradually stopped giving me oral sex despite our initially balanced reciprocation. When I asked why he'd stopped, his response was simple: "It's just not my thing." I realized I faced a choice: sacrifice a primary source of my sexual pleasure or end the relationship. My younger self might have compromised, but having learned to prioritize my pleasure, I decided that if oral sex wasn't his thing, then he wasn't mine.
Giving and receiving oral sex is fundamental to sexual health and being a good lover. It creates profound intimacy when you fully expose yourself to a partner who wants to please you, communicating "I want all of you" in a way that makes you feel desired and intensely aroused. Research from Michigan State University found that both giving and receiving oral sex correlates with happiness in relationships, with people experiencing the biggest happiness boost from giving rather than receiving.
To overcome mental blocks about receiving oral pleasure, focus on three key areas: rewiring your brain, understanding how what you consume affects your body, and accepting your genitals. During mindful masturbation, imagine receiving oral sex while stimulating yourself to create positive associations. Your brain releases dopamine during orgasm, which helps teach your brain that receiving oral is pleasurable. Remember that healthy genitals naturally smell and taste fine-avoid douches or perfumes that disrupt your natural microbiome.
Giving oral sex isn't about technique but enthusiasm-the energy you bring matters far more than specific movements of your lips and tongue. Your partner needs to feel your genuine desire for their genitals. Always pay attention to their unique responses rather than rigidly following prescribed techniques.
When pleasuring a vulva, begin by putting your partner at ease with reassuring words like "I can't wait to taste you" or "I've got all night." Start with a teasing approach-kiss their neck, nipples, and inner thighs before approaching the vulva. Keep underwear on initially while teasing above the fabric. Once ready, explore the outer labia and vaginal opening before addressing the sensitive clitoris. Apply lube for enhanced sensation, as the clitoris doesn't self-lubricate.
When pleasuring a penis, enthusiasm and affirmation are essential. Begin with a slow build-up, kissing your partner's chest, stomach and inner thighs while using your lubricated hand to stroke the shaft. Start the oral stimulation with gentle licks and suction, being careful to cover your teeth with your lips. Use your hands in conjunction with your mouth-sucking the tip while stroking the shaft creates full-penis stimulation.
While the standard position has the receiver lying on their back with the giver between their legs, experimenting with different positions creates new sensations and access points. Options include using pillows to elevate hips, approaching from behind (doggy style), having your partner straddle your face, or using chairs for leverage and stability.
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Beyond the Basics: Exploring New Territories
Anal sex has moved from taboo to mainstream in recent years, with many people curious yet hesitant due to hang-ups or past negative experiences. When approached with collaboration, consent, communication, and proper preparation, it can be an intensely pleasurable experience for everyone involved.
The anus contains one of the body's densest collections of nerve endings, making it potentially highly pleasurable when approached correctly. For penis owners, prostate stimulation can create powerful internal orgasms with shorter refractory periods than penile orgasms. For vulva owners, the shared nerves between the rectum and vagina plus stimulation of the clitoral legs can lead to intense pleasure.
Proper hygiene is essential for anal play. The receiving partner should empty their bowels 30-60 minutes beforehand, with optional enema use for those concerned about cleanliness. Hand washing, trimmed nails, and nitrile gloves help prevent contamination. Abundant lubrication is non-negotiable-silicone-based lube works best unless using silicone toys. Never use numbing creams, as they increase injury risk.
Successful anal play requires gradual training of both body and mind. Start by creating a relaxed environment and using deep breathing to relax sphincter muscles. Begin with gentle external stimulation using the pad of your finger to circle around your sphincter muscles before slowly inserting a finger. Pay attention to what depth, rhythm, and pressure feel pleasurable.
When introducing anal play with a partner, thoughtful communication is essential. Share why you want to explore this together-perhaps as a trust-building experience or to deepen your connection. Discuss insights from your solo exploration and be prepared to accept a "no" or "not yet" gracefully. Establish a safe word system (like traffic light colors) and commit to frequent check-ins during the experience itself.
After anal play, proper physical and emotional aftercare is essential. Clean up by putting towels in the laundry, washing toys and hands with soap and water, and cleaning the anus or penis/toy. If you experience irritation, take a 3-5 day break and use cocoa butter suppositories if needed. For emotional aftercare, try deep breathing together, cuddling with safe and soothing energy, and talking about what you liked and didn't like.
Kink isn't just about dungeons, whips and chains-it's a spectrum that includes both extreme activities and lighthearted play. Far from being dark or taboo, kink represents adult playtime that merges creativity with eroticism. It's healthy, relationship-enhancing, potentially healing, and accessible to everyone.
Dirty talk is one of the simplest ways to incorporate your brain into sexual experiences. Despite its name, dirty talk doesn't have to be explicitly vulgar-it can be as simple as a moan or single words like "Yes," "More," "Harder," or "Deeper." This accessible form of kink engages the mind directly in sexual pleasure, creating a bridge between mental and physical arousal.
BDSM involves sexual activity with defined power roles between partners-one person is dominant while the other is submissive (or they switch roles). This consensual power imbalance can include bondage (restricting movement), sadism (pleasure from inflicting pain), or masochism (pleasure from experiencing pain). Many people naturally gravitate toward either submissive or dominant roles based on their core erotic desires-often as a counterbalance to their everyday lives.
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Creating Relationships That Last
Ethical non-monogamy is becoming increasingly recognized as a valid relationship model alongside traditional monogamy. With estimates of infidelity ranging from 15-45% and over 20% of people reporting having been in openly non-monogamous relationships, there's clearly a need to understand these alternatives. Monogamy and ethical non-monogamy are equally valid choices, with the problem being not monogamy itself but its compulsory nature in society.
Ethical non-monogamy requires trust as its foundation-without it, these relationships cannot succeed. Common misconceptions include thinking it's just for certain types of people like unfaithful men or bisexuals, when research shows vulva owners actually experience desire drops faster (1-4 years vs 9-12 years for penis owners) and often become more sexual with variety.
Non-monogamous relationships take many forms. Polyamory involves multiple simultaneous romantic/sexual relationships with everyone's knowledge and consent. Open relationships encompass various arrangements where partners may seek sexual gratification outside their primary relationship. Swinging involves couples exchanging partners or participating in group sex events while maintaining their primary relationship. Monogamish couples remain largely monogamous but occasionally step out sexually together or separately under agreed circumstances.
Before exploring ethical non-monogamy, understand the emotional risks involved. Many people find the concept triggering due to cultural conditioning that monogamy equals worthiness, potentially activating fears of abandonment or personal inadequacy. Jealousy is a common concern, but can become a teacher that leads to self-knowledge and even "compersion" (joy in your partner's pleasure).
Opening a relationship ironically requires more rules than monogamy. Every aspect needs careful discussion and agreement. Never assume what your partner wants-misunderstandings about boundaries can destroy relationships. Discuss specific permissions: Can you kiss others? Which sex acts are allowed? Are dates permitted or just sex? Will protection always be used? The goal is finding compromises that satisfy both partners' needs while preserving your relationship-remember you're on the same team, not opponents.
After nearly twenty years hosting "Sex With Emily," I've noticed the most common questions haven't changed-vulva owners who've never orgasmed, couples seeking to spice up long-term relationships, and penis owners ashamed of their performance. My hope is that by developing your Sex IQ, you'll start answering these questions yourself. Being "good in bed" has nothing to do with age, body type, penis size, or orgasm count-it's about sexual intelligence. With higher Sex IQ, you'll make better decisions, have difficult conversations, ask for what you want, and create more space for pleasure. Remember that pleasure is your birthright, not something to wait for or depend on others to provide. You control your sexual destiny.
