Capítulo 4
The Art of Waiting
In second grade, Lisa's mother taught a weekend art class at Hidden Villa farm. Lisa worried her mother's strangeness would be revealed to the other students. At the farm, her mother had them draw a tree, instructing them to "capture the spirit" and "see colors as they are, not as they're supposed to be." When Lisa finally stopped seeing the idea of the tree and saw it as shapes of light, she experienced a breakthrough. During the critique, her mother praised others' work while noting Lisa's was "incomplete" because she'd finished too quickly.
Lisa's mother often mentioned someone named Steve who was supposed to bring her a bed for the alcove where she slept. Though he'd failed to show up twice before, they waited expectantly, with Lisa wearing her nice dress in anticipation. When he didn't come, their exciting day deflated into ordinary disappointment. To cheer themselves up, they went roller skating, seeking out the "buttery" smooth pavement that felt like floating after rough sections. While skating, her mother confessed, "You're just the daughter I wanted. Exactly the one." She insisted Lisa's father loved her but didn't know it, and that someday he'd realize what he was missing.
After roller skating, Lisa tried to convince her mother to get her a kitten. At the Humane Society, the woman at the desk questioned their unstable living situation-how they'd moved multiple times in recent months. Despite Lisa's insistence that "We have a yard," the woman firmly rejected their application. A few days later, her mother bought her two white mice and an expensive glass cage as consolation. Eventually, the bed from her father arrived without him-a red metal loft bed with connecting desk and shelf, her first real bed and first gift from him.
Lisa began going on outings with Debbie, her mother's ex-boyfriend's older sister. About thirty, childless, and working as an ESL teacher and at Macy's cosmetics counter, Debbie dressed in vibrant colors with clacking Bakelite bracelets and hair stiffened with spray. She represented everything Lisa's mother wasn't as her mother slipped into depression. After Debbie noticed their household's imperfections during a visit, her mother grew resentful: "She's phony and judgmental and she has no fucking idea... it's because of all my work that you're so great."
Capítulo 5
Mother's Struggles, Daughter's Burden
Lisa found her mother sitting in her dim bedroom, consulting the I Ching by throwing pennies on the carpet. "I lost my twenties," she sobbed, lamenting her lack of relationships while Lisa enjoyed outings with Debbie. "You have it good," she said, making Lisa feel their happiness was a limited resource they couldn't share simultaneously. In frustration, she grabbed scissors and began cutting her clothes, reducing her already small wardrobe. Though she felt unattractive, she was actually beautiful with high cheekbones and stunning proportions, yet constantly focused on perceived flaws.
When Debbie brought Lisa home one afternoon, her mother was waiting outside, visibly upset. She immediately attacked Debbie, accusing her of thinking she was better and "trying to insinuate yourself into Lisa's life." As her mother snarled with fury, Lisa felt paralyzed by shame, afraid others would see them as the same person in two bodies. Debbie retreated to her car pleading innocence while her mother pursued her, yelling until Debbie drove away. Lisa never saw Debbie again.
Lisa's mother prepared for a date with Ron, a new potential boyfriend. Lisa made her promise they wouldn't go into her bedroom when they returned. At seven, Lisa was old enough to stay alone for two hours, but she resented her mother's distraction-"half-absent with happiness." When Ron arrived, Lisa deliberately pulled out the album of her birth photos, showing him graphic images of her delivery despite his discomfort. She wanted "to disgust him the way I was disgusted, to scare him away." When her mother emerged from the bathroom and saw them, she snatched the album away, giving Lisa a furious look.
During a hike near Maryknoll Seminary, her mother spotted bright red prickly pear fruit on a cactus uphill and began climbing despite Lisa's protests about the spines. "I'm glad you're not my mother," she retorted when Lisa urged her to stop. She persisted through California's drought-parched landscape, reaching for the fruit while warning "Red is a dangerous color in nature." After struggling to remove it, she ate some despite Lisa's suggestion to take it home. On the drive back, she moaned in pain-tiny spines had lodged in her throat.
Capítulo 6
Adolescence and Identity
At Nueva, her private school for gifted children, Lisa planned to become popular. She secretly wore provocative clothing, including plastic loop earrings her mother found too sexy. Each morning before school, Lisa and her friends gathered in the bathroom to apply makeup and style their hair. She repurposed a neck cowl as a miniskirt and snuck forbidden clothes to school in her backpack.
Her obsession with appearance came from a newfound awareness of sexuality-not the act itself, but the exciting power she felt around her. She believed adults who prioritized academics were simply jealous of popularity they couldn't achieve themselves. Though she dressed provocatively on purpose, she felt inherently wicked when disapproving adults noticed.
Some nights Toby, a popular sixth-grader with white-blond hair and protruding ears, would call her. At school, she'd flirt with him through glances and giggles. When he asked if she wanted to "go steady," she replied with a carefully chosen "Sure"-positive but reserved. They arranged to French-kiss at the Stumps, a clearing at the bottom of the school property. Standing on a low stump to reach Toby's height, she experienced her first kiss-warm, electric, and awkward. She worried about technique, excess saliva, and when to stop. They knocked teeth when she repositioned her head, but laughed and continued.
That summer, after many more kisses in movie theaters and cars, Toby called to break up with her. Feeling strangely guilty, she apologized for "what I did wrong." After hanging up, she borrowed her mother's jewelry and silk shirt without permission, seeking strength through her possessions. She called Toby back to show her "new independent spirit" but quickly realized how foolish she seemed. Afterward, she journaled about the breakup while posing dramatically, describing her borrowed outfit as if it were hers-only to realize in the mirror how childish and ill-fitting everything looked.
Lisa often woke in terror, mistaking distant train sounds for incoming bombs. Her nuclear fears and migraines became intertwined, convinced NASA-just miles from their home-would be a primary target. She believed a nuclear attack would come at Christmas, then New Year's Eve. Ron from NASA tried reassuring her that modern bombs would vaporize them instantly-"poof, over"-but she remained fixated on capturing that final moment of awareness before annihilation.
Capítulo 7
Transformation and Belonging
At the end of sixth grade, Lisa's teacher Joan called her to her desk, a moment that would prove pivotal in her academic journey. Instead of the usual criticism about her thrift-store clothing or unkempt appearance, Joan praised Lisa's paragraph about Harriet Tubman, noting its vivid details and emotional depth. Lisa felt an unprecedented rush of joy-her first genuine recognition for academic achievement. The night before, while writing the assignment, the words had flowed effortlessly, almost delightfully, as she described Tubman's courage and determination. In this moment, Lisa glimpsed a new possibility: she might become smart, and writing could be pleasurable rather than the tedious chore it had always seemed.
That transformative summer, after attending a community theater production of Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale, Lisa resolved to reinvent herself completely for middle school. Inspired by the play's themes of redemption and change, she methodically planned her metamorphosis. She wanted simple, uniform-like clothes-plain blue jeans and crisp button-down shirts-that wouldn't distract her with daily fashion decisions. This deliberate simplification of her wardrobe represented her first step toward prioritizing substance over style. In seventh grade, she demonstrated her new dedication by throwing herself into creating an elaborate geography map, meticulously detailing continents, ocean currents, and trade routes. She spent ten hours on work that wouldn't even be graded, anticipating the validation when it would be pinned to the wall. Her mother, recognizing this new focus, brought a special lamp from her art studio to help Lisa see the fine details better. The next day, her map was the only one displayed facing the class-a silent but powerful acknowledgment of her effort.
Lisa's transformation extended to every aspect of her academic life. She meticulously copied notes into spiral notebooks, sometimes rewriting entire pages if her handwriting wasn't perfectly neat and consistent. She abandoned her childish habit of dotting i's with circles, consciously developing a sophisticated forward slant that she believed looked more mature and scholarly. Her new teacher Steve's potential disapproval became a powerful motivator-his thin-lipped frowns could deflate her confidence for an entire day, while his rare nods of approval felt like golden tokens of validation. When she finally scored a perfect ten on a Components of Culture quiz, covering social structures and cultural anthropology, his brief nod of approval felt like winning an Olympic medal.
The culmination of her transformation became apparent at her first parent-teacher conference, where her parents arrived separately, embodying the complex dynamics of her home life. Her father's charismatic presence brought a familiar yet unsettling energy to the room, and Lisa keenly observed how both teachers became slightly giddy around him, their professional demeanor softening in response to his charm. They praised her dramatic transformation from the previous year's preoccupation with "boys and clothing" to her current dedication to academics and tai chi, which she had taken up as part of her self-improvement journey. Lisa remained silent during these discussions, letting them analyze her metamorphosis, though she felt a gnawing concern about how they seemed to ignore her mother, who sat quietly at the edge of the group. The dynamic painfully reflected a familiar pattern: her father and Lisa were the main attraction, while her mother remained in the shadows, much like the background characters in the Shakespeare play that had inspired her change.
Capítulo 8
The Ultimatum and Divided Life
A couple months after her brother Reed was born, Lisa's father asked her to move in with his family. The fights with her mother had grown worse, and she'd already discussed with her mother their need for space. When she agreed to live with him "for now," he corrected her sharply. His condition: she couldn't see her mother for six months. "If you choose to live with us, I'd like you to promise you won't see your mother for six months. You need to give it a real shot," he insisted. "Otherwise, the deal's off." Lisa agreed, feeling simultaneously giddy, guilty and numb.
In June, her mother helped her move the four blocks to her father's house. They entered the cool, empty home while no one was there. Her new bedroom had white brick walls, a window overlooking the rose garden, and was near the kitchen where the family gathered. Before her mother left, they hugged goodbye, her eyes watery. "Don't worry about me, I'm going to be fine," she said. Lisa had agreed to her father's six-month separation terms, partly from relief at escaping her mother's anger, partly believing her sacrifice would make him love her more.
That first summer away from her mother, Lisa continued volunteering at Lytton Gardens, an assisted-living facility. She took elderly women like Lucille and "Zsa Zsa" for walks in their wheelchairs through leafy streets. Though they enjoyed their time together, they never remembered her between visits. She occasionally ran into her mother near that part of Palo Alto, filling her with simultaneous longing and dread. She'd escape quickly, afraid someone might report seeing them together to her father.
Her father commissioned a split-rail fence for the front yard and transplanted a mature copper beech tree that never took root. The house itself had special touches-wooden beams her father claimed were used to build the Golden Gate Bridge (actually just scaffolding). At meals, her father confidently defended their vegan diet to visitors. Lisa tried desperately to belong, arranging food beautifully and appreciating the purity of their lifestyle, but her anxiety manifested in clumsy hands that kept breaking glasses at dinner.
Capítulo 9
Finding Her Voice
Lisa's father asked if she wanted to change her name to Jobs. She hesitated, not wanting to desert her mother completely, and suggested hyphenating their surnames. Weeks later, a lawyer arrived and they signed the certificate making her new joined surname official. Her father wanted to frame the certificate, but Laurene tactfully suggested that might be strange. That night, Lisa asked Laurene about proper table setting, determined to learn the rules of etiquette from her.
At Lick-Wilmerding High School in San Francisco, Lisa struggled with the logistics of attending school an hour from home. Her father arranged a car service for the Peninsula kids, but this made after-school activities impossible. She became fixated on college admissions and extracurriculars, but her participation in activities like assistant stage manager for "Guys and Dolls" created tension at home. Her father complained she wasn't "putting in the time" as part of the family, creating a painful contradiction: he wanted her present yet distant, in his orbit but not too close.
During a family photoshoot, Lisa was asked to "step out" of certain pictures. When her father and Laurene were momentarily absent, the photographer offered to take some photos of just her. Excited for professional photos she'd long desired, she quickly changed into her mother's vintage dress from the seventies. Her father emerged from his study, saw what was happening, and immediately ordered the photographer to "Stop it right now."
Lisa began splitting time between her parents' houses, with her mother driving her to appointments. The transition between homes was jarring-like the line where light meets shadow on the moon, "one side will freeze and the other will burn." She gradually extended her stays at each house to minimize these painful transitions.
At her mother's house, Lisa initially felt superior and condescending, judging her excessive warmth, her cooking with "profligate butter," and her neediness. She hated how her mother seemed to love her exactly as she was when Lisa desperately wanted to be "someone else, prettier, blonde, tall, worthy." They'd inevitably fight, her mother would cry about how badly Lisa treated her, and then they'd reconnect. By the end of each visit, Lisa would feel some essential part of herself return, "some calm, warm authority," and she'd accompany her mother on errands "just to be close."
Capítulo 10
Reconciliation and Truth
During her senior year, Lisa secretly applied to Harvard without telling her parents. She paid for SAT classes herself and even faked her father's signature on the application. During her interview at Harvard, she strategically mentioned her father when asked about her interests, saying "He started a computer company. He invented a computer called the Macintosh" as if it were an afterthought. The interviewer abruptly left the room and returned noticeably kinder. When she finally got her acceptance call at 4:30am, she posted "I GOT IN" signs throughout the hallway.
When Lisa returned from her first year at college that summer, her father treated her with contempt. One evening, he insisted she attend Cirque du Soleil with the family, but she wanted to stay for her mother's dinner. "If you skip the circus, you'll need to move out," he threatened. She called their neighbor Kevin, who offered to help her move that night while her father was away. They gathered her belongings quickly, leaving a note: "Dear Steve, I've moved out, as you said I should if I didn't go to the circus." Her father never called back.
During her sophomore year, her mother announced she would ask her father to buy her a house. "He'll never do it," Lisa said, but she persisted. Surprisingly, he agreed to purchase a modest two-bedroom in Menlo Park, under $400,000 and within a certain radius of his home. He bought it without even viewing it.
At Harvard, Lisa saw a campus therapist and described a dream where her father sat at a desk-raft drifting out to sea under a cone of light. "He'll go away," she said, "and then maybe someday he'll realize that he did the same thing to you that was done to him." When her father stopped paying her college tuition, a Harvard financial aid officer told her she'd have to drop out until age twenty-five. Kevin and Dorothy paid for her final year, an "unfathomably big" gift.
Years later on Bono's yacht, when Bono asked if the Lisa computer was named after her, her father finally admitted "Yes" after years of denial. As her father battled cancer in his final years, their relationship remained complex-moments of connection mixed with ongoing hurt. Despite their complicated relationship, her mother believes his spirit follows her now, "overjoyed to be with you... delighted just watching you butter a piece of toast." Though Lisa didn't believe it, she liked thinking it anyway.
![[PDF] The Dark Side of Steve Jobs | Hogan Assessments](/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fd1y2du6z1jfm9e.cloudfront.net%2Fassets%2Fpodcast%2Fblue.png&w=1024&q=50)
