Capítulo 4
Associates: Managing the Middle Ground
Between friends and mere acquaintances lies an important relationship category: associates. These are people with whom we have periodic or consistent association but haven't developed the deeper connection of friendship. Perhaps there hasn't been sufficient time to build trust, or maybe character inconsistencies make us feel unsafe around them.
The key to managing associate relationships is setting appropriate expectations, particularly regarding reciprocity. These relationships are generally unbalanced-perhaps you're willing to listen to their problems but don't trust them enough to share yours, or you might lend them money but would never ask for the same favor. Understanding this reality helps temper expectations and minimize frustrations.
Jesus demonstrated relational intelligence by aligning his followers' expectations with reality. When sending disciples out, he gave them power, a plan, and perspective-teaching them how to handle inevitable rejection. He warned they would be "sheep among wolves," trying to help people who might misinterpret their motives. This perspective prevents surprise at the inevitable challenges of relationships.
While friendships may involve sacrificial investments of time, emotional bandwidth, and money, associate relationships typically don't warrant the same level of investment. People-pleasers often make the mistake of investing too heavily in associate relationships, unable to "say no nicely" as Stephen Covey advises. Remember that "the enemy of the best is often the good" and prioritize your relational investments accordingly.
Some associates may be in a discernment phase, where you're determining if they're safe enough to move into the friendship category. Ask yourself: Do I trust them? Do I see character traits that are healthy for me? With associates, you're still in the learning phase, trying to figure them out. The key difference is that friends have already passed through your discernment process-you understand their behavior and find them generally reliable and dependable.
Jesus modeled tiered relationships: his three closest disciples (Peter, James, and John), the Twelve, and the seventy-plus who traveled with him. These represented different relationship categories-the closest friends, friends with varying degrees of engagement, and associates. Not everyone belongs in our innermost circle.
The story of Joab and David illustrates how associates can appear as friends but reveal their true nature in critical moments. Despite appearing loyal, Joab disobeyed David's order not to kill Absalom, later aligned himself with Adonijah against Solomon, and ultimately proved disloyal. Anyone who would harm or disregard you for opportunity isn't a friend but an associate at best.
A church situation demonstrates the danger of misidentifying relationships: a woman shared personal struggles with a ministry teammate she assumed was a friend, only to have that information spread throughout the congregation. The betrayal was so devastating she moved away. This illustrates Jesus's example of taking only Peter, James, and John to the Mount of Transfiguration-not everyone belongs in our most intimate spaces.
Capítulo 5
Assignments: The People Projects in Your Life
While the church has effectively taught spiritual disciplines like prayer and giving, it has overlooked relationship management, leaving many Christians who can relate to God but struggle with human relationships. The "assignment" category represents a particularly misunderstood relationship type that's often misinterpreted or misapplied.
Assignments are trainees, mentees, or advisees-essentially "people projects" you take on through work or divine appointment. The key quality of assignment relationships is their lopsided exchange: you make deposits in them but rarely receive withdrawals. These relationships can be parasitic in a scientific sense, where the assignment is sustained at your expense without offering adequate return.
Assignment relationships can affect you like parasites affect the body: disrupting rest as you serve their needs, requiring "grinding" work through extra meetings and calls, and depleting your emotional resources and energy. This isn't meant to denigrate assignments but to provide a realistic picture of the investment these relationships require.
In assignment relationships, there may be a spirit of friendship despite the person not actually being a friend. Without relational intelligence, you might mistakenly treat an assignment like a friend, mismanaging expectations and sharing confidential information. Assignments often admire your gift rather than you as a person-like fans who cheer good performances but boo poor ones.
Relationships can evolve over time-what starts as friendship can shift to an assignment. I experienced this with a decade-long friend where our conversations changed from mutual sharing to me primarily answering his ministry questions. The relationship transformed from friendship to one where I was adding value in a different way. My emotional attachment changed; I still loved him, but differently. These categories can be fluid stages rather than static states.
An assignment must see you as an essential asset-the mentee must recognize the mentor as worthy of seeking advice from. You cannot help anyone who doesn't want your help. In assignment relationships, there's typically inequity in the exchange-you'll pour out more than you'll ever get back.
Jesus instructed his disciples to "shake the dust off your feet" when people didn't receive them-a symbol of not carrying rejection's residue into new relationships. Not everyone who needs help wants it from you. Like Paul in Acts 16, who was prevented from preaching in some regions but called to Macedonia, we must recognize where we're called to help, not just where help is needed.
An assignment must be open to and ready for the value you'll add. There are five types of people we can't help: those who don't think they need help; those who know they need it but don't want it; those who want help eventually but not yet; those who don't want help from you specifically; and those unwilling to do what it takes.
The Bible offers an excellent example of an assignment relationship through Elijah and Elisha. While assignment relationships can still be friendly, they exist primarily for one person to add value to another. Jesus' relationships with his disciples were assignment-based-he added value to them so they could add value to others.
We must engage assignments differently than friends, associates, or advisors. Maintain realistic expectations, balance authenticity and transparency, and establish healthy boundaries around time and content. Categories can be stages, not permanent states-assignment relationships can evolve into friendships when the person has grown enough to contribute reciprocally.
Capítulo 6
Advisors: The Mentors Who Shape Your Journey
In certain seasons, God brings advisors into our lives-we become their assignments! These individuals serve as mentors offering guidance in specific areas, usually temporarily. We may have both professional and spiritual advisors pouring wisdom and direction into us.
Professor Darby Ray became more than just an instructor when I was deciding between law school and seminary. She went above and beyond, counseling me outside the classroom and challenging my motivations. She helped me evaluate whether fear of poverty was guiding my career choice rather than passion. Her guidance to begin with the end in mind proved invaluable, leading me to choose a seminary that would equip me for multiple paths.
An advisor allows assignments to benefit from their experiences without paying the same price. Assignments get lessons without pain, wisdom without weeping, perspective without problems. Advisors provide covering-not as a lid that limits, but as an umbrella that protects while allowing growth. They shield us from unnecessary exposure, act as catalysts helping us get further faster, and serve as comforters who normalize our challenging experiences.
When you have a family or belong to any group, your decisions affect more than just yourself. People we love can become either casualties or beneficiaries of our decisions-they can be burdened or blessed by what we choose. Advisors are incredibly important because they help us understand the impact our decisions have on others.
There's a critical distinction between someone who gives occasional advice and a true advisor. Just because someone offers advice in a single conversation doesn't mean they qualify as an advisor. Associates may provide valuable insights, but lack the depth of wisdom needed for long-term guidance. Bad advice can be catastrophic, especially in church contexts where well-intentioned people offer guidance without proper training or understanding.
Capítulo 7
The Art of Reflection: Pausing to See Clearly
Reflection is essential for relational intelligence. We must pause to think about our relationships rather than simply existing within them. Just as we work in relationships, we must also work on them. Reflection begins with giving ourselves permission to have nonjudgmental internal conversations about what we're feeling. Our emotions are messengers-what we feel is real, even if it isn't right. They alert us to what's happening in our hearts, lives, and relationships.
We cannot improve what we don't evaluate. While health or financial assessments might be straightforward, relationships are more complex because emotional attachments can impair judgment. Long histories with people can make it difficult to see relationships as they currently exist. Without creating space to ask critical questions about the people in our lives, we lack clarity for necessary alignment.
When we don't evaluate what we're feeling in a relationship, we operate in the dark-just as when we ignore physical or emotional symptoms. Without assessing our path, we risk crashing. Most importantly, failing to evaluate relationships leads us to misplace people in categories where they don't belong, damaging both them and ourselves.
Perspective matters more than practice when reflecting on relationships. While we should consider how our choices affect others, we can't be driven solely by others' feelings. We're responsible for stewarding our own lives and cannot be held hostage by others' expectations. Relational intelligence requires both clarity and courage-the courage to make decisions in the best interest of the life God wants us to steward.
How we press pause varies by life season. Sometimes life changes naturally create space for reflection without announcement-a new baby or job shift. Other times, decisions require noticeable distance that necessitates conversation. When communicating about needing space, focus on your own needs rather than the other person's flaws: "There are shifts happening in my life, and I need time to reflect on how to steward our relationship well."
Consider the story of James and his friend Tom. Their friendship had become complex-they were close friends whose families spent time together, but James felt exploited as Tom repeatedly asked for financial help while seemingly not having money problems. James needed to reflect on whether Tom belonged in his friend category. This reflection process wasn't selfish-proper alignment benefits both parties when guided by God, who cares equally about both people in the relationship.
Capítulo 8
Fruit Inspection: Evaluating What You See
Jesus demonstrated relational intelligence and encouraged "fruit inspection"-evaluating the people in our lives. While reflection is internal, evaluation examines external evidence. This isn't about judging character but assessing how relationships affect us. Some people aren't bad people; they're just bad for us.
Proper evaluation requires asking key questions: Where am I in my life journey? What do I need from relationships? What do my current relationships provide? And finally, what actions should I take based on these answers?
Evaluation requires asking the right questions to gain clarity. First, "Where am I?"-understanding your current emotional and spiritual state provides the lens through which you evaluate relationships. Second, "What do I need?"-identifying specific relationship qualities that would add value in your current season. Third, "What do I have?"-honestly assessing what your current relationships contribute TODAY, not what they provided years ago. Finally, "What do I need to do?"-determining if someone needs realignment, removal, or if new relationships should be pursued.
Just because two Christians are in relationship doesn't guarantee a healthy "Christian relationship." The important question isn't "Are we both Christians?" but "How are we relating?" Relational intelligence transcends religious identity-even pastors and church leaders can have unhealthy relationships.
While "judgment" often carries negative religious connotations, its basic definition involves forming opinions through discernment and comparison-something we do constantly. The distinction is that we shouldn't make ultimate judgments about a person's worth or destiny (that's God's role), but we must evaluate whether someone is good FOR US right now.
We can inspect someone's fruit without dishonoring the whole tree or damaging the relationship. Jesus demonstrated this with Peter, noting his pattern of impulsivity while still valuing him. Sometimes we should see things without immediately addressing them-"Sometimes we say, and sometimes we pray." Our inspection should honor people, recognizing our evaluations may be imperfect.
Sometimes we should keep people in certain relationship categories despite their current fruit. Jesus did this with Peter, including him in his inner circle despite his flaws. People's current behavior isn't always a reflection of who they're becoming. As Henry Cloud wrote, "Never go back if the reason that you left in the first place is still there"-but we should give space to those actively working to change.
Capítulo 9
Self-Advocacy: Taking Charge of Your Relational Life
Self-advocacy isn't selfishness-it's stewardship. My father taught me to take responsibility for my own life, that I am "ridiculously in charge." Relationally intelligent people advocate for themselves, understanding that stewarding their own boundaries doesn't infringe on others' rights.
Stewardship extends beyond finances to include managing all our resources-energy, time, skills, and relationships. Self-stewardship means taking responsibility for using these resources to advance God's agenda for our lives. Others will have opinions about how we should use our resources, but we must remember: "I am responsible for what I'm responsible for."
Viewing self-advocacy as selfish assumes that what benefits us harms others, or that God can only meet others' needs through us-both false assumptions. Jesus commanded us to "love your neighbor as yourself," making self-love the foundation for loving others. While we sometimes must bear others' burdens, we shouldn't sacrifice our well-being or life purpose.
There's a crucial difference between influence and control. It's possible to have influence without controlling others, and for others to influence us without controlling us. The only person we have some control over is ourselves. Taking responsibility for our lives through self-advocacy is essential for fulfilling our purpose.
Advocating for yourself doesn't mean demanding what others should do-it means being clear about what you will do. Setting boundaries might mean communicating that you won't continue investing time in someone who isn't implementing your guidance. I believe God gives us enough time for what He's called us to do, but not everything we want to do.
Jesus told his disciples they were no longer servants but friends, demonstrating that a spirit of friendship should permeate all relationships-showing consideration, cordiality, empathy, and camaraderie. However, this differs from the friendship category. Communication varies by category and circumstance-sometimes we don't need to verbalize "This isn't what you think it is," but simply advocate for the relationship we want by setting appropriate boundaries.
Boundaries don't always require verbalization, but they must be implemented. When someone isn't reading our cues and persistently pushes a relationship further than we want, we need conversation. While we should always speak truth in love, we must discern which truth to tell. The level of relationship determines our permission for transparency.
Capítulo 10
The Courage to Have Difficult Conversations
Once we've embraced advocation, the next step is conversation. Discoveries about relationships often necessitate dialogue with those involved. While not every relational adjustment requires announcement-especially small shifts with limited engagement-other scenarios demand conversation, particularly with friends who no longer meet our friendship criteria.
Shifting someone from associate to friend is easier than moving them from friend to associate or assignment to associate. Category-shifting conversations require emotional intelligence-being smart about feelings and using emotions to inform thinking. When moving someone from friend to associate, remember the conversation is about what's happening with us, not them. Frame it as: "I'm recalibrating my life and need to make relationship adjustments" rather than making accusations about their behavior.
Inviting mentors or advisors into our lives requires clear communication about the traits we admire in them, where we are in life, and how they could add value. Being flexible about how they might serve in this role is crucial, as an "all or nothing" approach suggests entitlement when requesting someone's time, energy, and knowledge.
At the foundation of all relationship conversations is courage-whether pushing someone away or inviting someone in. This is where emotional intelligence becomes the foundation for relational intelligence, helping us navigate competing emotions. Equally important is love, which must drive these conversations regardless of direction. Speaking truth in love isn't just about sparing feelings; it's about being empathetic.
Preparing for difficult conversations means anticipating negative responses without backing down. While we can't predict exactly how we'll feel, we can prepare for how we'll react. I write down potential reactions: they might get upset, cry, be offended, leave, or talk behind my back. This preparation helps determine if there's any scenario where I might change my mind.
Rejection happens to everyone, but unprocessed rejection produces soul wounds-internal, invisible bleeding that's often underestimated. As Jeremiah 6:14 describes, we put "Band-Aids in places that actually need stitches." Untreated rejection wounds become infected, manifesting not as pain but as personality traits we mistakenly identify with: "This is just the way I am." Apathy, timidity, and avoidance of difficult conversations may indicate rejection infection.
Capítulo 11
Becoming the Friend Others Need
We can be three types of friends: the friend we'd like to be, the friend others want us to be, or the friend God needs us to be. This principle applies across all relationship spheres. Andy Stanley's question-"Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?"-challenges us to self-assess. As a pastor seeking exceptional staff, I had to ask: "Am I the type of leader they would want to follow?" This principle is universal-the type of person you are determines the type of people you attract.
Self-assessment is critical because it reveals whether we're truly gifts in others' lives. We were created for more than self-pleasure; our purpose is found in contributing uniquely to others' lives. Being a certain kind of friend, rather than just having certain kinds, brings fulfillment.
We typically give in friendship what we want in return-support if we desire support, affirmation if we crave affirmation. But this doesn't necessarily meet our friends' actual needs. The friend God needs us to be prioritizes truth and the other's best interest over the relationship itself. Like Joab with King David, we must avoid being the friend who enables destructive behavior. Unlike Adam's silence with Eve, we must speak truth when it matters. True godly love (agape) means loving the person more than the relationship-being willing to risk the relationship to stand for what's best for them.
Scripture provides models for healthy relationships, with Ruth's story offering powerful lessons. Ruth's relationship with Naomi demonstrates loyalty beyond self-interest and embraces differences-a model for bridging societal divisions. Later, Ruth meets Boaz, creating what's become an idealized relationship in church contexts. But the overlooked truth is reciprocal: to attract a Boaz, one must become a Ruth; to find a Ruth, one must become a Boaz.
Many of us don't consider whether we've become the person needed to attract the relationships we desire. If we want truth-tellers in our lives, can we handle truth? If we want dream-supporters, are we willing to share power? If we want reliable people, are we someone others want to be there for?
Assessment serves two critical purposes in relationship intelligence. First, it's for self-evaluation-Jesus taught that we must remove the plank from our own eye before addressing the splinter in another's. Without dealing with our own issues first, we can't accurately assess our relationships. The second purpose is evaluating our relationships themselves.
Remember that "misplaced people produce misplaced expectations, and misplaced expectations always lead to frustration" which ultimately breeds bitterness. After creating a revised relationship map, plan specific conversations needed for realignment or elimination.
As my executive coach wisely said, "you don't go as far as your dream; you go as far as your team." Your relationships aren't just connections-they're the very foundation of your success and fulfillment. By developing relational intelligence, you create the conditions for both personal growth and meaningful impact in the lives of others.
