Capítulo 4
Finding Stillness in a Chaotic World
In our efficiency-driven world full of noise and distraction, being present requires cultivating reflective strength through practices that quiet the mind. O'Neil, a self-described high-energy person who loves life's speed, was initially resistant when executive coach Tricia Naddaff suggested meditation. It seemed too "out there" for his practical mindset. But starting with simple breathing exercises before sleep and upon waking, he gradually built his practice.
Finding stillness has brought O'Neil clarity and sanity by blocking out noise. At Harris Blitzer Sports & Entertainment, he's instituted practices like phone-free meetings and mindfulness retreats. During their "Go Forward" leadership off-sites, they focus on developing minds, bodies, and souls rather than business plans. One memorable session led by mindfulness experts had 150 hard-charging executives sitting in complete contemplative silence-sales bulldogs and 1:00 a.m. emailers completely still, vulnerable and present.
Being completely still isn't easy, but it's worth it. Meaning is right in front of us, but so are distractions that often rule our days. Finding peace, quiet time, and ultimately yourself requires planning, scheduling, and discipline-especially when things inevitably go south. It's a choice we must consciously make.
This reflective strength becomes particularly important during life's inevitable storms. O'Neil developed a process called "changing the race" after experiencing profound sadness following his friend Wil Cardon's suicide. The process has three essential components: (1) recognize you can choose to change your situation; (2) run toward the storm instead of away from it, acknowledging your pain rather than denying it; (3) find your center with help from people who care about you.
When faced with grief, isolation becomes our kryptonite. The path toward overcoming our most difficult times is through opening ourselves up, seeking help, listening, and engaging those we love. Recovery isn't like flipping a light switch-more like a dimmer that slowly provides increasing light. With time and connection, we can breathe again, laugh again, and be present again.
Capítulo 5
Living Your Leadership Constitution
One snowy evening in Newark, O'Neil met Shawn Nelson, founder of Lovesac, who made an instant impression with his genuine interest in others and humble confidence. During a Devils game, they had a surprisingly deep conversation about struggles and sacrifices. Shawn shared his family values that they recite nightly and his morning mantra-powerful tools that help keep him grounded in faith, family, fitness, and love of others.
Nelson's family values provide a guidepost: CLEAN thoughts, words, bodies; SMART church, books, decisions; POSITIVE attitude, actions, influence; RESPECTFUL family, elders, peers; LOVING children of God... And TOUGH. O'Neil's family has their own rules on a kitchen blackboard: Root for each other, Respect and grace, Do not be outworked.
Every morning, Shawn looks in the mirror and affirms: "I am Heavenly Father's son and priesthood leader. I am not just faithful but valiant. I will shine today..." His mantra touches on faith, family, fitness, and love of others as his core direction. Setting an intention for your day and life-whether through a mantra or a Leadership Constitution-helps keep your feet firmly planted.
O'Neil's brother Michael, CEO of GetWellNetwork, has a framed declaration hanging in his office that begins "I DECLARE THAT I AM passionate, creative, positive, and influential..." This Leadership Constitution came through work with executive coach Rich Hill, who guided O'Neil to create his own constitution by completing two statements: "I declare that I am..." and "You can count on me to..."
A constitution articulates core qualities you ARE (not roles you play), is expressed positively, is not aspirational but who you're committed to being now, reflects your deepest values, and must be practiced with accountability. O'Neil's own Leadership Constitution declares him as "a passionate and authentic leader of leaders" who loves people and helping others, while committing to bring positive energy, challenge others beyond their expectations, share personal thoughts and emotions, and take responsibility for both wins and losses.
Committing in writing to how we want to live matters profoundly. Whether through family values, morning mantras, or Leadership Constitutions, we need guideposts that reinforce what we stand for and prioritize. These written commitments help us be present when it counts. Being where your feet are makes life better and more fulfilling-the formula is simple though not easy, but absolutely worth the effort.
Capítulo 6
Defining What Matters Most
Marty Erlichman, Barbra Streisand's manager of over 40 years, shared his "secret to life" with O'Neil: first, wake up passionate about work and sprint to the office; second, after a hard-charging day, sprint home with equal passion. These simple principles perfectly captured O'Neil's WMI (What's Most Important)-passion for work and devotion to family.
Like his parents who rarely missed his sporting events despite their demanding travel schedules, O'Neil prioritizes being present for his daughters' moments that matter. Even as a VP at the NBA traveling Monday through Friday, he'd excuse himself from business dinners to whisper goodnight to his children. Now at the 76ers, he works for leaders who share these values, allowing him to support parents who need to be there for their children.
Our WMI extends beyond work and family to include faith, health, and broader community values. For O'Neil, faith provides both grounding and guidance. In today's chaotic world, everyone needs a centering force-whether faith, meditation, running, or yoga-something that enhances peace and provides a more centered life.
Health becomes another critical WMI, as O'Neil learned when his colleague McCall Reynolds faced a life-threatening brain tumor at just 24 years old. Despite professional excitement over the 76ers winning the first draft pick, O'Neil couldn't shake the image of McCall's tumor. Coach Brett Brown's mantra "WMI" echoed in his mind-nothing matters without health. That's what's most important.
Our personal WMI must also extend to community values like equality. O'Neil shares how conversations with Black colleagues revealed his limited understanding of their daily experiences-from Elton Brand's fear when his home alarm trips to Lexi Williams carefully dressing in brand-name clothes when moving her car so people wouldn't think she was stealing it. These stories prompted HBSE to commit $20 million to diversity initiatives, recognizing that equality isn't political-it's about humanity.
To implement WMI in your life, identify your three most important priorities and keep this list visible as a daily reminder. Then engage in a Start, Stop, Continue exercise: list three things you should start doing to contribute to your WMI, three things to stop doing to create more focus, and three things to continue doing that already support your priorities. This structured approach helps ensure you're consciously spending your precious time where it truly belongs.
Capítulo 7
Learning Through Failure
Failure teaches more effectively than success, though it's rarely enjoyable. The key is to "fail forward" by extracting and applying lessons from each setback rather than letting your inner critic convince you that you're not good enough. O'Neil's journey through rejection from top colleges, struggles at Harvard Business School, and public firing from Madison Square Garden Sports illustrates how failure can become a powerful teacher.
At Harvard Business School, O'Neil initially approached the program with his competitive sports instinct-he'd simply outwork everyone. This approach left him isolated and performing poorly until he internalized the school's message: "This is not golf, this is a team sport." By embracing collaboration rather than competition, he relaxed, made lifelong connections, and learned that everyone felt vulnerable. Two years later, his peers selected him to speak at graduation, where he reflected on how he had learned to stop competing so hard and start opening himself up to people and learning.
Six months into his rocky start at the NBA as vice president of Team Marketing and Business Operations, O'Neil met with HR chief Jeff Robinson for his review. Despite O'Neil's efforts to help struggling departments, his initiatives were failing. Jeff asked pointedly, "What role do you think you are playing in your own demise?" He explained that in a matrix organization, O'Neil needed relationships in every box to move the needle. "You're so concerned with being right, but you seem to have little interest in being effective," he said.
Following this advice, O'Neil reduced travel, spent time in offices building relationships, and shifted from being interesting to being interested. Within months, he transformed his reputation into someone who could "get things done." This lesson-that being effective is more important than being right-has shaped his approach to leadership ever since.
Perhaps O'Neil's most public failure came when he was fired from his position as president of Madison Square Garden Sports. Unlike previous career setbacks, this firing was painfully public, with news appearing in major newspapers. He obsessively read every word published about him, trapped in his own fishbowl of misery. The experience was like a modern-day public guillotine.
It took months for O'Neil to stop blaming others, focus internally, and recover mentally enough to appreciate the incredible people he'd worked with and their accomplishments. Following Peter Guber's advice, he decompressed by traveling with his family, took stock of his life, and reconnected with people in his personal and professional networks.
These experiences taught O'Neil that failure brings humility, learning, and opportunity. The question we should all ask ourselves when struggling is whether we're smart enough to reach out for help and open enough to listen and engage to get back up.
Capítulo 8
Building Teams That Stand Together
The purple water buffalo became a powerful symbol of teamwork in O'Neil's leadership approach. On his second day as president of Madison Square Garden Sports, he showed his 500-person staff the viral "Battle at Kruger" video, which depicts water buffalo working together to save a calf from lions and a crocodile. After the video, he posed a question: "Who do you want to be? The tourist? The lion? The crocodile? Or the water buffalo?"
He explained each metaphorical role-tourists who watch from the sidelines without helping, lions who prey on the weak, crocodiles who attack the wounded, or water buffalo who stand together as a team to protect their own. O'Neil made it clear that while no one would be forced to be anything they weren't comfortable with, only water buffalo would work at his organization.
This philosophy extends beyond the office to home and community. O'Neil shares the story of his friend Hugh Weber, whose marriage became a casualty of Hurricane Katrina. After the hurricane scattered the New Orleans Hornets staff, Hugh and his wife lived separately, eventually divorcing. When Hugh later became president of the New Jersey Devils, his ex-wife moved to New Jersey too, prioritizing their children's relationship with their father. Remarkably, they've lived together in the same house for seven years despite being divorced, putting their children's needs above their own.
Hugh and his ex-wife exemplify the water buffalo mentality by valuing "we" over "me." Their unusual living arrangement stems from their shared commitment to their children, creating a stable environment despite their divorce. Few divorced couples would make such sacrifices, but Hugh's value-based focus on his children allows this arrangement to work.
Healthcare workers during the COVID-19 pandemic further exemplified the water buffalo mentality, risking their lives despite inadequate protection. Delivery workers, supermarket employees, and food delivery workers also stepped up, with one UPS employee feeling "privileged" to serve despite the risks.
Young athletes demonstrated remarkable teamwork during the crisis. Ben Simmons organized the Philly Pledge for verified nonprofit donations starting at just $25. Joel Embiid donated $500,000 for protective equipment and antibody testing, while Al Horford donated $500,000 to help communities where he had played.
O'Neil's brother Michael transformed his traumatic cancer experience into purpose by creating GetWellNetwork, a virtual patient-care navigator that helps patients control their hospital experience. When COVID-19 hit, Michael created a free GetWell Loop app for patient self-monitoring, demonstrating true water buffalo spirit by serving humanity rather than profiting from crisis.
Capítulo 9
Assuming the Best in Others
"Assume Positive Intent" (API) transforms interactions by giving others the benefit of the doubt. O'Neil proposes approaching every interaction with the belief that most people are good, have the best intentions, and genuinely want what's right. When practiced properly, API makes life "brighter, fresher, clearer" and more likely to yield positive outcomes.
H.H. Prince Bandar bin Mohammed Al-Saud experienced racism growing up Middle Eastern in America. In seventh grade, when his teacher made prejudiced comments about Palestinian children being "violent and barbaric," it shattered Bandar's perception of how others viewed him. Rather than becoming bitter, this experience motivated him to address misunderstanding through a photojournalism project showcasing diverse Saudi Arabians-celebrating differences while highlighting deeper similarities. "As much as we are different, we are even more the same," Bandar explains, seeking to challenge bias and encourage people to "accept more, love more, and assume positive intent."
Jill Snodgrass, a Philadelphia 76ers employee, discovered the word "abandoned" stamped on her adoption papers at age 13, triggering years of emotional walls and trust issues. Twenty years later, when preparing for a leadership conference, she revisited those papers and read beyond that first word. She learned her birth mother had minimal education and cleaned houses to survive, giving up her baby for a better life. This revelation transformed Jill's perspective: "I wasn't abandoned; I was actually saved." By assuming positive intent about her birth mother's actions, Jill finally healed, lowered her emotional walls, and developed deeper personal and professional relationships.
Practicing gratitude helps assume positive intent by shifting focus to what matters now. O'Neil's daughter Eliza writes 12 unique things she's grateful for every night. At work, executives begin meetings writing appreciation notes. When challenged to wake at 5:30 AM for two weeks to meditate and journal gratitude, O'Neil initially struggled. His first entries were basic lists of family members, but gradually evolved to appreciating "clean water" and "birds chirping at sunrise." By day ten, his skepticism transformed into peaceful clarity.
What began as a guilt-ridden chore became O'Neil's most anticipated ten minutes daily. The morning ritual provided clarity, optimism, and strength to handle his chaotic life with teenage daughters and an overscheduled executive calendar. Those ten minutes of meditation and gratitude made him "a better father, leader, and follower," adding unexpected calm to his energetic, chaotic life.
Capítulo 10
Trusting the Process of Growth
"Trust the Process" became more than just a Philadelphia 76ers slogan-it evolved into a philosophy about taking the long view in decision-making. The approach, introduced by analytics-driven GM Sam Hinkie, rejected mediocrity in favor of building through the draft, requiring patience through difficult seasons. Despite these struggles, fan attendance grew as people embraced the vision. The strategy ultimately transformed the 76ers into a contending team with young stars.
From the 76ers transformation, O'Neil shares key principles: "Together We Build" emphasizes both community and transparent long-term building; "Have a Big Vision Even if It Is Ahead of the Market" requires setting a clear North Star; "There Are No Shortcuts to the Top" demands embracing the daily grind; "Make Lemonade out of Lemons" means choosing your attitude despite challenges; and "Stay the Course" requires perseverance through inevitable setbacks.
Former NBA commissioner David Stern exemplified long-term vision by transforming basketball into a global phenomenon. When Stern joined in 1984 as the league's 24th employee, NBA Finals were shown on tape delay and arenas were half-empty. Recognizing international potential, Stern persisted through challenges-including waiting four hours in a Chinese network lobby-to establish NBA's presence in China, initially providing free game tapes and sending an executive with a fax machine to Hong Kong.
Stern's philosophy was simple but powerful: "If you have confidence in what you have, what you are doing, and your brand, then just keep pushing." Today, basketball is China's most popular sport with 300 million players, NBA China is valued at $4 billion, and Commissioner Adam Silver continues this global vision by launching a professional league in Africa-all results of maintaining long-term perspective and dedicated resources.
When facing setbacks, the key is to make "lemonade from lemons" as Howie Roseman did after being publicly demoted from his Eagles GM position. Rather than sulking, Howie used this "gap year" to grow-visiting elite organizations, meeting Fortune 500 CEOs, and hosting an information-sharing summit with sports executives. When given another chance, he returned with renewed perspective and confidence, building a Super Bowl championship team within two years.
M. Night Shyamalan faced a crisis when twenty studios rejected his self-financed film "The Visit." While helping his daughter with a jigsaw puzzle, Night had an epiphany when they persisted through the frustration of a missing piece. This simple moment revealed his path forward: stop obsessing over the big picture and focus on improving one small piece at a time. Scene by scene, he refined his film until Universal Pictures bought it, eventually grossing over $300 million.
In today's anxiety-ridden society, one of Dr. Karyn Gordon's most powerful teachings is to hold people accountable only for what they can control. When individuals focus on their thoughts and actions rather than external factors, anxiety diminishes. Her journey demonstrates the importance of surrounding yourself with people who challenge you constructively, provide honest feedback, and continue to build you up despite obstacles.
As John Gardner, Stanford professor, reminds us: meaning isn't something accidentally discovered but intentionally constructed from one's past experiences, relationships, values, talents, and the things worthy of sacrifice. While we have all the necessary ingredients, only we can arrange them into the unique pattern that becomes our life. The ultimate goal is building a life with personal dignity and meaning, which matters more than any particular balance of success or failure.
