Discover why defensiveness is a normal brain response and learn practical strategies to regulate your emotions when receiving criticism, transforming feedback from a perceived attack into an opportunity for growth.

I have a tendency to react in a defensive way when I get a bad mark, or receive any feedback or critisicm. I tend to say and do things that almost proves myself wrong and dig in. I'd like help with regulating my emotional reactions so I can reply or take in the information without feeling like I need to prove them right or wrong.


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From Columbia University alumni built in San Francisco

Lena: Hey there, welcome to another episode of Mindful Reactions! I'm Lena, and I'm joined by my friend Miles. Today we're tackling something I think most of us struggle with—that defensive reaction we get when receiving criticism or feedback. You know that feeling when your heart starts racing and you just want to prove someone wrong immediately?
Miles: Absolutely, Lena. It's such a universal experience. What's fascinating is that research shows there's actually a big difference between feeling defensive and acting defensive. Everyone—even the most composed people—feel that emotional punch when criticized, but not everyone lets it control their response.
Lena: Wait, really? So even people who seem super chill about feedback are feeling defensive inside?
Miles: Exactly! According to psychologists, feeling defensive is largely involuntary—it's a set of emotions like anger, anxiety, or shame that just happens. What we can control is how we respond to those feelings.
Lena: That's actually really comforting. I've always beaten myself up for feeling defensive in the first place, thinking something was wrong with me.
Miles: That's the thing—it's not about eliminating the feeling, it's about managing your response. And interestingly, one of the most counterintuitive approaches is to actually validate those uncomfortable emotions rather than trying to push them away. Let's explore why that works and the practical strategies that can help transform criticism from feeling like an attack to seeing it as an opportunity for growth.