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When Being Right Makes You Wrong: The Psychology of Difficult People
Ever found yourself fuming after an interaction with someone who seemed determined to make your life miserable? Perhaps it was the colleague who took credit for your work, the neighbor who deliberately parks in your spot, or the family member who ruins every holiday gathering. We've all encountered them-those maddening individuals who leave us wondering: "What is wrong with this person?" Dr. Xavier Crement's groundbreaking book offers a startling answer: they're suffering from assholism, an addiction as serious as alcoholism or drug dependency.
"Asshole No More" has become something of a cultural phenomenon since its publication, finding fans among celebrities like Jennifer Aniston, who reportedly gifted copies to her entire "Friends" cast after a particularly difficult season. The book has sold over two million copies worldwide and sparked conversation about toxic behavior in workplaces, relationships, and even politics. What makes this work so compelling isn't just its humorous approach to a serious subject, but its revolutionary premise: most difficult people don't realize they're difficult-and there's hope for change.
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The Addiction No One Discusses: Understanding Assholism
At its core, assholism is an addiction to power, control, and self-importance that manifests as deliberately obnoxious behavior. Dr. Crement speaks from personal experience-for over twenty years, he was what he calls "a flaming asshole," driving away friends and family with his rudeness and outsized ego. Despite outward success as a proctologist with a beautiful family, his colleagues feared rather than respected him, friends avoided him, and his family eventually abandoned him. Only after his wife left and a colleague bluntly stated, "You're just an asshole," did Crement begin his journey toward recovery.
The term "asshole" carries therapeutic value precisely because of its rich associations that clinical terms lack. While ordinary people are offended by the label, actual assholes are often proud of their behavior-they need a term that makes everyone laugh at them. Like alcoholism, recovery begins with admission: "I am an asshole."
What makes someone an asshole? The behavior pattern includes blind selfishness, deliberate obnoxiousness, self-righteousness, exploitation of others, and rejection of basic human decency. Assholes operate by "silent rules"-blaming others, hiding faults behind rudeness, breaking rules while enforcing them on others, and believing they can achieve anything through manipulation and intimidation.
People become assholes because the behavior initially works-those who shove others aside often seem to prosper. The problem is that once you become an asshole, you can't draw boundaries. Most assholes barely survive in careers and marriages, with destruction taking decades to manifest. They control their lives by controlling others, never solving problems but hiding behind smokescreens of others' issues.
Consider Fred, a successful attorney making six figures who takes pride in manipulating the law, defending guilty clients, and intimidating "wimps." Despite his outward success, Fred is exhausted. His staff keeps quitting, partners question his leadership, and clients are suing for malpractice. When diagnosed as an asshole, his initial response was defensive: "So's your sister." Only by recognizing his assholism could he begin recovery.
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The Asshole's Toolbox: Manipulation Tactics and Power Plays
Assholes excel at ensuring someone's always around to take care of them, developing sophisticated systems of manipulation and control. In business, they're the bosses who believe your sole purpose is supporting them and taking blame for their mistakes, often creating elaborate scenarios where subordinates become fall guys for failed projects. They operate under the core belief that everyone exists to meet their needs, regularly meddling in others' affairs with unsolicited "advice" and micromanagement. They become visibly annoyed when others demonstrate independent thinking, viewing any form of autonomy as a personal affront. They expect perfect mind-reading of their needs while deliberately keeping instructions vague and shifting expectations constantly.
Since assholes shirk responsibility and ignore reality, they maintain absurdly high self-esteem through elaborate self-deception. As psychologist Charles Cumberbund observes, "If the Queen of England were to inspect the prison and walk by an asshole's cell, he would believe she was lucky to have met him." This inflated sense of self manifests in numerous ways: they genuinely thank you for calling them assholes (viewing it as recognition of their "strength"), believe they're God's gift to humanity, assume everyone desperately wants their opinion on every topic, and vehemently condemn different viewpoints as inferior. They spend others' money freely without remorse, claim expertise on everything from quantum physics to ancient pottery, and derive particular pleasure from making people squirm in social situations. When mistakes occur, they've perfected the art of denial and scapegoating, often building complex narratives that paint them as victims of others' incompetence.
Communication becomes a sophisticated weapon in their arsenal, wielded with calculated precision. Assholes excel at talking about themselves in the most confusing, vague manner possible, using circular logic and ambiguous statements to avoid any responsibility for misunderstandings. Their finest hour comes when explaining rules or giving instructions-they've mastered the art of saying little while appearing comprehensive, strategically withholding crucial information until after failure occurs. This allows them to add "clarifications" after everyone inevitably fails, making others look stupid while positioning themselves as the only competent person in the room. Their communication toolkit includes subtle blame-shifting, strategic bullying, habitual lying (often so convincing they believe themselves), fact-twisting to serve their narrative, inventing statistics on the spot, and artfully changing subjects when others begin to feel victimized.
Anger isn't just an emotion for them-it's a finely-tuned instrument of control and manipulation. Their unofficial motto remains: "Never give a sucker an even break-always make sure it's a compound fracture." They've cultivated the ability to become instantly angry at virtually anything: waking up on the "wrong" side of the bed, coffee being slightly too cold or too hot, others following instructions too literally or not literally enough, rain ruining their plans, sunshine being too bright, perceived inconsistencies in others' behavior, requests for loans they never intend to repay, children acting age-appropriately (which they see as defiance), and spouses who've grown weary of faking affection. This perpetual state of anger serves as both shield and sword, keeping others off-balance while justifying their controlling behavior.
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Varieties of Difficult People: From Flaming to Passive-Aggressive
Assholism, like the wind, manifests in varying intensities and patterns. Understanding these intensities helps recognize how assholes modulate their self-expression and sometimes hide behind facades of decency, often making them harder to identify and handle effectively.
The flaming asshole represents hurricane-force assholism-flamboyant, obnoxious, and seemingly inexhaustible in their capacity to irritate and destroy. Unlike their TV counterparts who often self-destruct spectacularly, real-life flaming assholes specialize in character assassination rather than literal violence. They have tremendous stamina and staying power-they don't get headaches or ulcers, they give them to others. As demonstrated by John's boss who blamed him for a misunderstood deadline, these people keep others in constant terror despite depending on them. They often combine loud, aggressive behavior with strategic manipulation, like the department head who berates employees publicly while taking credit for their successes in private meetings with upper management.
Situational assholes can be pleasant neighbors and coworkers when it serves their interests, showing remarkable adaptability in their behavior. Their assholism flashes only intermittently under stress or provocation, making them particularly unpredictable. Take Edith, normally a nurturing mother who, when pushed too far by her children's messiness, donated all their toys to charity in front of them and told her three-year-old to earn money for replacements. Another example is the friendly colleague who becomes viciously competitive during promotion seasons, spreading rumors and undermining teammates while maintaining a facade of cooperation.
Sissy assholes hide behind facades of meekness and politeness while still knowing how to "stick in the knife and turn it." Like catching a cold on a pleasant spring evening, their damage often goes unnoticed until significant harm is done. These passive-aggressive types harm through omission, professing concern without follow-through, and excel at creating plausible deniability. They come in two distinct varieties: the sweet type who drips with flattery while gradually making you dependent on them, like the coworker who offers help but creates more work in the process, and the sour type who appoints themselves as moral guardians while quietly brewing dissension and jealousy, such as the committee member who raises "concerns" about others' work while positioning themselves as the voice of reason. Their effectiveness lies in their ability to maintain a positive public image while systematically undermining their targets through subtle actions and calculated inaction.
The impact of these different types varies significantly in professional settings. While flaming assholes create immediate tension and chaos, situational and sissy assholes often cause more long-term damage by slowly eroding workplace morale and trust. Their behaviors can create toxic environments that persist even after they've moved on, leaving lasting effects on organizational culture and individual well-being.
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Specialized Assholes: When Difficult People Find Their Niche
Beyond these general categories lie specialized asshole types who have found environments where their particular brand of toxicity can flourish.
The liberated asshole thrives on protest, seeing only their side of issues and loving to hate. They claim moral superiority while being unfair and obnoxious, lying to themselves and others, and completely lacking humor about their cause. These activists are addicted to power, believing they're fighting for freedom while actually seeking to control others. Despite claims of nonviolence, they often incite hatred that leads to destruction, and they'll justify any means-from lying to property damage-in service of their "sacred cause."
Holy assholes surpass all others by weaponizing both God and the devil to terrorize enemies, cloaking malice in divine righteousness. Unlike most assholes who keep their misery private, these actively proselytize to spread their blight. Their hallmarks include arrogance masquerading as righteousness, dogmatic insistence their interpretation is the only correct one, hypnotic speaking that uses scripture as ammunition, judgmental intolerance despite claims of following Jesus's gentleness, and a perverse love of condemning others' sins.
New Age assholes claim to see only good in everyone-until crossed. Despite their peaceful veneer, they're as arrogant as traditional holy assholes, rejecting establishment values while peddling recycled ancient practices as revolutionary. These uninspired hucksters recognize profitable spiritual fads-from assertiveness training to past-life recall-and exploit human gullibility. They preach cosmic connection while building armed compounds, steal others' ideas without attribution, and position themselves as instant experts after minimal experience.
Bureaucratic assholes thrive in government positions where they can wield power over ordinary citizens. They deliberately create obstacles, enforce arbitrary rules, and invent delays to assert control. Former DMV employee Julia Kidds proudly recounts failing qualified drivers and making up traffic laws just to confuse people. These petty tyrants use time as their weapon-they have plenty while you have none-creating impossible office hours, endless paperwork loops, and unnecessary consultations with supervisors.
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When Systems Turn Toxic: Institutional Assholism
To understand assholism completely, we must recognize it doesn't just attack individuals-entire groups can be infected. From businesses to religious denominations, schools to entire societies, mass assholism (or "massholism") represents the addiction of large groups to asshole behavior. This phenomenon occurs when institutions normalize and reward toxic behaviors, creating self-perpetuating cycles of dysfunction that become increasingly difficult to break.
Religious institutions transform into institutional assholes when they behave like defective companies, selling harmful ideas that damage self-confidence, fill people with guilt, impede creativity, and divide communities. The problem isn't God or faith itself, but zealots who claim to represent divine love while mocking it through their teachings and actions. Warning signs include obsessing over birth control rather than addressing spiritual matters, issuing death contracts on writers who challenge their views, rewriting scriptures to avoid offense, and claiming superiority without demonstrating genuine purpose. These institutions often weaponize shame, create arbitrary hierarchies of worthiness, and use fear as a control mechanism rather than promoting authentic spiritual growth.
The educational system displays institutional assholism when half of students drop out at 16, graduates emerge unable to read or write effectively, and colleges require extensive remedial classes to bring students up to basic standards. The problem compounds when teachers face dismissal for maintaining discipline while violent students face minimal consequences, prayer becomes a political battleground, and social programs take precedence over educational quality. The blame game perpetuates the cycle - teachers' unions claim innocence while defending ineffective members, school boards plead powerlessness despite their authority, and governments commission endless studies without implementing meaningful changes. This institutional decline stems from an paralyzing fear of discriminating against any form of academic weakness and the excessive influence of permissive child psychology theories that prioritize self-esteem over actual achievement.
The media epitomizes the complete asshole model through multiple dysfunctional behaviors: displaying arrogance in calling itself the "fourth estate" while actively avoiding accountability; pursuing power yet settling for destroying reputations through sensationalized reporting; maintaining an unhealthy obsession with uncovering scandal in every politician's personal life; reducing complex societal issues to oversimplified ten-second sound bites; demonstrating callous disregard by intruding into tragic situations to ask grieving relatives inappropriate questions about their emotional state; consistently prioritizing provocative opinions over verified facts; and attempting to control public thought by selectively airing views that match their predetermined narrative while claiming objectivity. This institutional assholism has created an environment where truth becomes secondary to engagement metrics and responsible journalism takes a backseat to profit motives.
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Survival Strategies: Living Among Difficult People
Unless independently wealthy, most people must work with assholes without proper training. Success requires self-assessment: determine how much you like your job and need your paycheck. Don't compete with assholes (they're more experienced) or try to reform them (leave that to professionals). Instead, learn to survive with dignity by remembering appearances matter to assholes-show sincere interest and respect. Communicate clearly with phrases like "Thank you" and "You're right" without expecting reciprocation.
Friends can become assholes through infection, situational triggers, or skillful deception. Signs include: expecting you to earn their friendship repeatedly; revealing friendship rules only when convenient; changing rules at will; demanding assistance without reciprocation; dumping problems while expecting endless sympathy; requiring you to hate their enemies; demanding constant praise; and rejecting all criticism. Once identified, take immediate action: acknowledge the one-sided relationship, set boundaries, charge therapy rates for listening to problems, inform them their enemies showed good judgment in dropping them, track their complaints for the record, or simply move without leaving a forwarding address.
Discovering you're married to an asshole can happen immediately after wedding vows or years later. Unlike strategies for surviving asshole colleagues or friends, spouse-specific approaches are needed, with limited options available. Divorce is discouraged as being divorced from an asshole is worse than being married to one. Other options like assuming an alias or suicide are impractical, leaving "learning to live with the asshole" as the only viable choice. This requires lowering expectations, becoming emotionally numb to abuse, seeking discreet alternatives, being agreeable to minimize friction, and learning self-defense if your spouse is a "flaming asshole."
Contrary to traditional child psychology that blames parents for children's bad behavior, some kids are simply born assholes. Dr. Montague Fishburger argues that despite providing a stable, loving environment, his three children turned out "rotten"-even conspiring to falsely accuse their teachers of sexual abuse. Cassandra Tightgut's "Tough Luck" movement offers a no-nonsense approach for decent parents handling asshole children: don't take responsibility for their comfort, ignore trivial complaints, cut off uncooperative behavior, involve authorities when necessary, require household contributions, ban modern entertainment, impose homework limits, use corporal punishment, and conduct regular contraband searches.
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The Road to Recovery: Transforming Toxic Behavior
Recovery from assholism begins with the painful first step: recognizing you're an asshole. This moment of clarity typically follows a major crisis-perhaps a divorce, job loss, or complete social isolation-when psychological defenses are weakened and denial finally crumbles. The recovering asshole must confront their core issues through brutal self-examination: the emptiness of values that led to ethical compromises, the persistent dishonesty that destroyed relationships, the fundamental laziness that resulted in manipulating others, and the deep-seated need to control through intimidation. This "bottoming out" experience often includes intense shame, regret, and the terrifying realization of years wasted in toxic behavior.
The contrition phase follows, where individuals systematically dismantle toxic habits like arrogance, cynicism, and emotional manipulation. This period leaves them feeling unusually vulnerable as their conscience awakens, often experiencing guilt and empathy for the first time. Without proper support systems, recovery frequently fails at this critical juncture as the pain of self-awareness becomes overwhelming. The final "regenesis phase" involves actively building decent human qualities: learning cooperation instead of competition, accepting blame rather than deflecting it, developing trust in others despite past betrayals, and expressing genuine compassion without ulterior motives. The goal isn't achieving perfection but becoming a Decent Human Being (DHB) who consistently acts with integrity regardless of circumstances or potential personal gain.
Recovery requires five essential tools, each addressing different aspects of the transformation. Group therapy provides crucial peer accountability, preventing the common pitfall of self-deception while offering role models for changed behavior. Individual therapy with specially-trained professionals helps navigate the complex layers of dishonesty and denial, particularly addressing childhood trauma that often underlies asshole behavior. Shock therapy offers extreme interventions for resistant cases, including forced monastery stays for meditation and reflection, video confrontation showing their behavior's impact, or intensive boot camps breaking down entrenched patterns. Assholes Non-Anonymous Leagues (ANAL) require public accountability through newspaper announcements of their condition and regular support meetings that strictly forbid traditional asshole behaviors like whining, blaming, and manipulation. The Twelve Step Program, adapted specifically for assholes, provides a structured path to transformation, emphasizing personal responsibility and amends-making.
Throughout history, societies dealt with assholes through severe methods-from ancient practices of slavery and beheading to medieval techniques like dunking and public shaming in stocks. Modern psychology now offers more humane and effective approaches, though recovery remains one of the most challenging personal transformations possible. The recovering asshole undergoes a complete identity reconstruction, often losing long-term friends who enabled their behavior and facing confusion from family members adjusting to their new personality. They must learn to function without their habitual tools of scheming, lying, and bullying-learning to work as equals rather than intimidators. This difficult journey requires replacing ingrained patterns of laziness and deviousness with genuine productivity and accountability, while developing authentic relationships based on mutual respect rather than fear or manipulation.
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The Promise of Transformation: Finding Humanity Again
Despite the constant struggle and risk of relapse, recovering assholes discover the profound joy of genuine human connection again-finding trust, cooperation, and friendship within the fellowship of Decent Human Beings. The journey, while challenging, reveals rewards that most never imagined possible. As Dr. Crement's own story powerfully illustrates, transformation is not only possible but deeply fulfilling. After his recovery, his wife returned for a second honeymoon, rekindling a love he thought was lost forever. His daughter, who hadn't spoken to him in years, found the strength to forgive him, and his son not only reconciled with him but began teaching him to fly-a shared experience that helped heal decades of damaged relationships. He ultimately transitioned from proctology to psychiatry, finding his true calling in helping fellow assholes recover, turning his past struggles into a source of healing for others.
What makes this challenging journey worthwhile? The recovered asshole discovers what they've been missing all along-genuine human connection in all its forms. Without the exhausting need to manipulate, intimidate, and control others, they find authentic relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and care. Former patients report experiencing joy in simple interactions they once dismissed-a genuine conversation with a store clerk, a moment of vulnerability with a spouse, or an honest exchange with a colleague. The tremendous energy once spent on maintaining their asshole persona can now be directed toward meaningful pursuits, personal growth, and genuine joy. Many describe this shift as "finally being able to breathe" or "seeing the world in color for the first time."
The message of "Asshole No More" isn't just for self-identified assholes-it's for anyone who recognizes these patterns in themselves, even occasionally. We all have moments of assholism, times when our worst instincts drive our behavior. The difference between an asshole and a decent human being isn't perfection-it's self-awareness and the willingness to change. Dr. Crement emphasizes that small daily choices matter more than grand gestures. Recovery happens in moments: choosing empathy over judgment, cooperation over competition, and understanding over anger.
As Crement concludes, recovery requires only one thing: the courage to stop being an asshole-often the most elusive ingredient. Like the woman in his friend Calvin's story who mistook a leper for a guru and spent months seeking enlightenment from him, many of us fail to recognize the truth about ourselves. The first step toward change is waking up to reality-seeing ourselves as we truly are, not as we pretend to be. Dr. Crement shares how his own moment of clarity came during a routine morning when he saw his reflection while berating a nurse and finally recognized the monster he'd become. He did it. Countless others in his practice have done it. With courage, commitment, and the right support system, anyone can too. The path to recovery isn't about becoming perfect-it's about becoming human again.
