Chapter 4
Understanding the Three Basic Types of People
People across all cultures, races, and backgrounds fall into three basic types, each requiring different handling approaches. Understanding these types simplifies communication challenges more effectively than memorizing endless cultural do's and don'ts.
Nice People do what you ask the first time. They're naturally cooperative, don't complain, and rarely stand up for themselves. My grandfather was a Nice Person-as an attorney who respected the law, he'd follow a cop's orders without question. While Nice People aren't problematic, treating them respectfully remains essential. If you mistreat them, they'll eventually withdraw support. Since cooperative people are rare, cherish and cultivate them rather than taking advantage of their good nature.
Difficult People won't do what you ask the first time-it's simply not in their nature. They respond with "Why?" and "What for?" rather than immediate compliance. Like Meg Ryan's character in "When Harry Met Sally" with her elaborate food order, they're particular and questioning. The word "why" is quintessentially American-it built the country, tore down the Berlin Wall, and drives innovation.
When handling Difficult People, don't waste time explaining your authority. Instead, show them "what's in it for them"-what they stand to gain through compliance. Only when that fails should you explain what they'll lose. Rather than resisting their questions, see them as opportunities to educate and win respect. I've learned to appreciate Difficult People because I am one-they built this country with their healthy suspicion and questioning nature.
Wimps are the most challenging-they act like Nice People but are secretly Difficult People. They say "yes" to your face while planning revenge behind your back. When confronted, they'll immediately back down and even apologize, but should still be watched carefully. Exposure is totally unsettling to Wimps-once you've blown their cover, they typically leave you alone, either giving up their tactics or finding easier targets to bother.
Chapter 5
Eleven Phrases That Create Unnecessary Conflict
Certain verbal traps create conflict rather than cooperation. Here are eleven phrases to avoid, with alternatives for each and guidance on how to respond if someone uses these phrases against you:
"Come here!" actually means "Go away" to many people, especially when issued by authority figures. It sounds threatening and implies "You haven't obeyed me." Instead, approach casually with "Excuse me, but I need to chat with you a second." This gives the impression of choice while still making your intention clear.
"You wouldn't understand" is deeply insulting, implying the listener is stupid. Better alternatives include "This might be difficult to understand, but..." or "Let me try to explain this..." which warn about complexity without prejudging comprehension abilities.
"Because those are the rules" makes people want to rebel. Instead, explain the reasoning behind rules-even if your audience disagrees, they'll feel respected. For example, tell children their bedtime helps them be less cranky and have more fun tomorrow.
"It's none of your business" is the slam-dunk of verbal abuse, branding listeners as outsiders while exposing you as someone without good reasons. Rather than using this dismissive statement, explain why information cannot be revealed-perhaps it's confidential or you're uncomfortable sharing.
"What do you want me to do about it?" is a sarcastic question that evades responsibility and signals exasperation. It creates a second problem on top of the original issue. Instead, offer to help solve the problem, direct the person to someone who can help, or honestly apologize if you're unable to assist.
"Calm down!" is inherently contradictory and almost always makes people more upset. It criticizes their behavior and implies they have no right to their feelings. Instead, maintain a calm demeanor yourself, make eye contact, touch gently if appropriate, and say "It's going to be all right. Talk to me. What's the trouble?"
"What's your problem?" turns problems back on the person needing help, creating a "you versus me" battle. The word "problem" makes people feel deficient or helpless. Instead say, "What's the matter? How can I help?"
"You never..." or "You always..." are absolute generalizations that provoke defensive responses-either examples disproving your claim or spiteful behavior confirming it. Better to express how specific behaviors make you feel: "When you're late without calling, it makes me feel as if you don't care about me or my schedule."
"I'm not going to say this again" is usually an immediate lie, as people typically repeat themselves right after saying it. Instead say, "It's important that you understand this, so let me say it again. And please listen carefully."
"I'm doing this for your own good" instantly creates cynicism. If something truly benefits another person, show them how with concrete examples of how their life will improve.
"Why don't you be reasonable?" invites conflict because no one admits to being unreasonable. Instead, help people become more reasonable by being reasonable with them. Use reassuring language like "Let me see if I understand your position" and paraphrase their words.
Chapter 6
The Power of Empathy in Communication
The most powerful concept in the English language is empathy-not to be confused with sympathy, liking, or agreement. With Latin and Greek roots meaning "to see through the eye of another," empathy is the ability to understand another's perspective. It's the crucial skill in both physical and verbal judo because the moment you stop thinking like your spouse, employer, or friends, those relationships deteriorate.
The foundation of Verbal Judo is mushin, a samurai concept meaning "the still center"-the ability to remain calm, read your opponent, and redirect aggression positively. The English equivalent is "disinterested," meaning impartial rather than uninterested. A disinterested communicator is open, flexible, and unbiased-qualities essential for effective communication.
Like a willow tree that survives strong winds by bending, the flexible mind adapts to verbal abuse through deflection and redirection rather than confrontation. This principle of "mastery through adaptation" comes from ancient samurai wisdom: "When man throws spear of insult at head, move head! Spear miss target, leave man empty-handed."
I discovered the power of "strip phrases" early in my police career when confronting an angry, drunken cowboy. When cursed at, I instinctively responded, "Well, I 'preciate that, sir, but I need to see your license." The abbreviated "'preciate" became my first "strip phrase"-a verbal deflector that strips insults of their power. I developed others like "understan' that" and "oyesss" (a run-together version of "oh yes").
Strip phrases serve four essential purposes: First, they make you feel good during pressure situations. Second, they function as "springboard focus techniques" that help you leap over insults to focus on your professional purpose-everything after the word "but" should serve your goal. Third, by springboarding past insults, you disempower the other person and maintain control. Fourth, using tactical phrases makes you sound good under pressure, which preserves your credibility with observers.
Chapter 7
The Three Great Communication Arts
Being a Contact Professional means combining presence and words to generate voluntary compliance even from difficult people. The word "contact" comes from Latin meaning "to touch on all sides." Unlike amateurs who have good and bad days, professionals like Michael Jordan get better under pressure. To be a true contact professional, you must first be in contact with yourself-aware of your triggers and weaknesses in interpersonal relationships.
I discovered my greatest weakness was having my authority challenged. Whenever someone said "You can't do that to me!" an internal voice would snap "Wanna bet? Watch me!" Following an old Indian's advice to "define, name, then own" his enemies, I identified this reaction as my "Wanna Bet? Guy." By recognizing this trigger, I could step back, remain calm, and make legitimate arrests without compromising my professionalism.
To excel as a contact professional, you must master three communication arts: representation, translation, and mediation.
Representation requires knowing yourself while standing between your organization (the rock) and your constituency (the hard place). You serve as a conduit between these entities, tracing a figure eight path that virtually obliterates your ego in service of generating voluntary compliance. When you speak, you represent your organization's spirit, goals, policies and philosophy. Every interaction affects not just you but your entire organization's reputation.
Translation is putting your message into the most proper, fitting, assertive and powerful words possible to ensure your precise meaning enters the listener's mind. When Neil Armstrong toured Japan after walking on the moon, he joked about not finding "a man in the moon or any green cheese." The translator told Japanese children Armstrong hadn't found "any rabbits on the moon"-an excellent translation that preserved meaning while adapting to cultural differences (Japanese folklore sees a rabbit in the moon, not a man or green cheese).
Mediation helps people see something new by going between experiences. As a new officer, I confronted a massive, violent suspect in an alley. Instead of challenging him physically, I used words strategically. I helped him see his options clearly: face a minor misdemeanor charge or escalate to a felony by attacking an officer. I presented five potential losses: time (overnight versus weeks in jail), money ($30 versus hundreds), job security, criminal record severity, and relationship stability. By mediating-cutting across his experience to give him a personal view of his situation-I gained voluntary compliance without violence.
Chapter 8
The LEAPS Method for Effective Communication
LEAPS represents five basic tools to generate voluntary compliance: Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase, and Summarize. These aren't sequential steps but ongoing, changing skills needed for effective communication, especially with people under pressure.
Looking like you're listening is even more important than actually listening. When people sense you're uninterested, conflict can erupt. Project a listening face and maintain appropriate eye contact to show engagement.
Empathy doesn't mean agreement-it means understanding another's perspective. I distinguish empathy from sympathy, noting you don't need to approve of someone's actions to understand them. Empathy helps determine which of four possible appeals might work best: Ethical (your professional face), Reasonable (logic and policy), Personal (what they gain or lose), or Practical (using humor or redirection).
Asking effective questions is crucial. Fact-finding questions (who, what, when, where, why, how) gather specific data but may not have the best effect on people. General questions are open-ended, giving people freedom to answer as they choose. Opinion-seeking questions make people feel valued by asking for their views. Direct questions require yes/no answers but can feel like an interrogation if overused. Leading questions that put words in people's mouths typically anger people.
Paraphrasing is one of the most powerful verbal tools available-putting another person's meaning into your own words and delivering it back to them. This technique allows you to interrupt an emotional tirade and transform it into a productive conversation. The "Sword of Insertion" is the initial technique that allows you to cut into someone's tirade with phrases like "Whoa!" or "Listen!" followed by "Let me be sure I heard what you just said"-a statement so empathetic that almost anyone will pause to hear you out.
Summarizing condenses everything discussed into a brief, concise, and inarguable statement. People who convey authority and decisiveness excel at summarizing effectively. A good summary leaves no room for argument, uses authoritative tone, and signals discussion is over.
Chapter 9
The Five-Step Hard Style of Persuasion
After teaching Verbal Judo to nearly 70,000 police officers and thousands in corporate America, I developed a five-step persuasion model that works in virtually any situation:
1. Ask (Ethical Appeal): Begin with a polite request that establishes your professional presence.
2. Set Context (Reasonable Appeal): Explain why your request is reasonable, perhaps citing policies, laws, or agreements.
3. Present Options (Personal Appeal): Clearly outline choices and consequences, showing what the person stands to gain through compliance or lose through resistance.
4. Confirm (Practical Appeal): When resistance continues, ask "Is there anything I can say or do at this time to earn your cooperation?" followed by "I'd sure like to think there is." This gives one last chance for voluntary compliance.
5. Act (Determination of Appropriate Action): If the first four steps fail, take decisive action without further discussion.
This approach works brilliantly with teenagers, who often question everything. Instead of immediately threatening consequences when a teen refuses a request like taking out trash, first ask politely, then set context by reminding them of agreements, then present options that preserve their dignity while clarifying consequences, and finally confirm resistance before implementing consequences. This prevents endless arguments, gives teens room to flex their independence, while ensuring they understand that choices have consequences.
Chapter 10
The Art of Praise and Criticism
Praise, when given correctly, is the most powerful motivator and disciplinarian available. People often feel suspicious when praised because it frequently precedes criticism. When someone says "I really enjoyed your solo. It was beautiful. Now can I give you a few hints on your wardrobe?" the compliment feels yanked away. Despite this, genuine praise does far more than make people feel good-they tend to voluntarily repeat what they're praised for, while criticism makes them do just enough to get by.
My first principle: never follow praise with criticism. If you do, people will always hear an unspoken "but..." when you compliment them. Instead, if you must criticize, do so first, then leave them with praise. The key to making praise sound sincere is where you place it (last, not first) and making it specific. General praise like "Nice going!" feels hollow compared to specific observations.
Specific praise offers four key benefits: First, it feels genuinely good to receive. Second, it's believable-specificity creates credibility for both parties. Third, it either reinforces or teaches-until someone pointed out how my storytelling technique made points come alive, I hadn't recognized this strength. Fourth, specific praise gets passed along-creating a ripple effect of positive influence.
When criticism is necessary, deliver it directly and bluntly, but follow it with praise. This way, despite their mistakes, the person still feels valued. Remind them: "If I didn't value you or care about your place in the organization, I wouldn't bother addressing this problem. Football coaches don't holler at marginal players-they push the ones they count on most."
There are simple guidelines for taking criticism: maintain eye contact without rolling your eyes or looking down; hold your tongue if you disagree rather than interrupting; show open body language with nods that indicate you're listening; use phrases like "I hear you" and "I'll work on that"; and when responding, reiterate that you welcome input while requesting follow-up to ensure progress.
Chapter 11
The Principles of Verbal Judo in Practice
The twin principles of great communication are: first, always maintain your professional face rather than saving your personal face (which displays ego, irritation and bias); second, treat others as you would want to be treated under identical circumstances-the Golden Rule. Though simple to recite, these principles are difficult to implement consistently, and most communication failures stem from neglecting them.
I advise distinguishing between reasonable resistance (verbal pushback that doesn't prevent you completing your task) and severe resistance (which interferes with your job). Learn to ignore reasonable resistance and increase your tolerance level to avoid reacting emotionally. Also emphasize treating every verbal encounter as unique-even if it's your forty-first similar interaction of the day, to the other person it matters deeply. Make each person feel like your first and only caller by practicing genuine empathy.
For emotionally charged situations: "It's not enough to be good; you've got to look good and sound good" in today's world of cameras and recorders. Allow people to say what they want as long as they comply with your directives. Remember that as the authority figure, "you can have the last word, because I have the last act." Never use the reactive words that rise most readily to your lips, as they'll lead to regret. Avoid putting people down or stepping on their "personal face"-always allow others to save face. Show less ego to gain more power over others, and maintain your temper since "men are like steel; when they lose their temper, they are useless." Finally, listen more than you talk, and remember that common sense becomes uncommon under pressure.
When we speak without forethought, especially during confrontations, we risk delivering "the greatest speech we'll ever live to regret"-words that can never be taken back. The key is developing a mindset that allows skilled interaction with people "under the influence"-whether affected by substances, frustration, fear, or defensiveness-without losing emotional control.
The language of reassurance-calming people down-rests on just three words: Empathy Absorbs Tension. When you project understanding, you soak up others' tension like a sponge. Even if you forget specific techniques, if you show empathy, you'll begin to succeed in Verbal Judo. Without absorbing tension, you'll fail regardless of your approach. The principles matter more than precise steps, especially in heated moments.
