Chapter 4
The Origins of Our Emotional Tangles
Feelings were never meant to be fixed; feelings are meant to be felt. Most of us from our earliest days were taught to not feel what we feel. Long before we could walk or talk, we were conditioned regarding what to do when we felt happy, sad, angry, or alone. We absorbed messages that we didn't need to feel sad, shouldn't be angry, and that it was illogical to feel scared.
When Allen first looked into her newborn son's eyes, she realized he was already looking for her. Though he couldn't form thoughts, he could feel-he wanted his mother, he preferred her, he sensed discomfort and hunger. We come into the world not primarily as people who think but as people who feel. Emotions flood through our bodies and souls, connecting the various parts of us to one another-connecting us to ourselves, to other people, and to God.
Parents often accidentally shame us for feeling things, dismissing or ignoring our emotions. As Lindsay Gibson wrote, "You may have learned the absurd idea that you can be a bad person for having certain thoughts and feelings." Our parents were just passing along the same messages they'd learned as children, creating a cycle that continues generation after generation unless broken.
In Allen's own marriage, both she and her husband came from families where emotions weren't discussed much. Her husband, from a football family, learned to suppress emotions to be effective in his sport. Allen grew up with a midwestern mother and military-raised father, learning to think instead of feel. In college, her emotions finally awakened, but when she married her stoic husband, their emotional disconnect created distance. After reluctantly attending marriage counseling, her "unfeeling" husband became flooded with emotions, developing a deeper connection with his faith and with her. Her feelings woke up and felt safe again too.
We can't experience emotional health on autopilot, especially with so many confusing messages around us. Many religious communities teach that "emotions are dangerous," "emotions are not reliable," and "don't trust your feelings; just trust God." The world, meanwhile, has gone to the opposite extreme: "If you don't feel in love, leave your spouse," "If you feel unhappy, sacrifice anything to find happiness," "If it feels right, do it."
Chapter 5
The Truth About Your Feelings
Emotions aren't meant to control us; they're meant to inform us. They alert us, connect us, and help us make sense of the world. Feelings manifest in three distinct ways: in our minds through memories and thoughts, in our bodies through physical sensations, and in our actions through our responses. Our emotional reactions are often rooted in past experiences, creating patterns that shape how we respond to present situations.
Picture emotions like navigating a river in a canoe. On one bank is explosive emotional expression-anger, weeping, throwing things. On the other bank is emotional shutdown-feeling nothing, dismissing emotions entirely. The goal is to stay in the middle. Trauma narrows this river, making it harder to avoid hitting the banks. When you're struggling emotionally, be gentle with yourself and ask others for grace.
Our emotions were built into us by design. Throughout history, every culture has documented the full range of human emotions-from joy at creation to disappointment at betrayal. Our emotions cannot be inherently wrong because they are part of our humanity. The problem isn't in the feeling but in what we do with it.
Emotions connect us to others and bring texture to our lives. Joy incites gratitude and celebration. Anger can fight injustice. Regret reminds us of our need for forgiveness. Sadness draws us to seek comfort. Fear provides protective discernment. Without emotions, we'd lose the most intimate and sacred parts of life-we wouldn't worship, fight injustice, fall in love, or seek comfort. Our strongest memories are tied to emotions.
Chapter 6
Our Evasive Maneuvers
When overwhelming feelings arise-whether sadness, anger, fear, or even joy-we face a choice: engage directly with that emotion and process it, or resist it through evasion. Most of us choose evasion, fearing we'll crumble under the weight of our feelings. We turn to the Three Cs: Control (taking charge to make situations more manageable), Cope (distracting ourselves with busyness), and Conceal (stuffing down feelings).
We grasp at control for understandable reasons-to feel good about ourselves and preserve hope about our world. If we believe we're in control, we maintain the expectation that everything will turn out fine. We approach life with confidence and competence, thinking we can outsmart adversaries and outplan catastrophes. Sometimes this works-making our bed and conquering the day can lift our mood. But constantly controlling emotions disconnects us from ourselves and others. It shuts down not just difficult feelings but also our capacity for friendship, creativity, and enjoyment.
We instinctively seek comfort when emotionally overwhelmed. About 77 percent of us have turned to "addictive behaviors or unhealthy coping mechanisms" when facing mental health challenges. Our coping mechanisms are nearly endless: procrastination, overeating, alcohol, oversleeping, self-harm, isolation, workaholism, shopping, and more. Even seemingly innocuous habits like Netflix binges or comfort eating provide only momentary relief if we never address the underlying issues.
Like a two-year-old hiding in a store while everyone searches frantically, we often conceal our emotions out of fear. We'd rather hide our feelings than risk facing difficult realities. But circumstances won't disappear just because we hide-they only become more desperate and chaotic with time. The skilled concealers love the word "fine"-it's short, grammatically correct, and discourages follow-up questions. But it does nothing to untangle our emotions.
While we don't need to tell everyone how we feel, we must tell someone. Concealing emotions requires enormous energy, and eventually, those stuffed feelings find their way out sideways onto people we love.
Chapter 7
The Connection We Crave
Our emotions have a purpose: to connect us to what and who is most important. When someone shares their true feelings with us, we feel compassion, affection, and gratitude for their vulnerability. This connection is precisely what emotions are designed to facilitate-connecting us to others and to ourselves.
Everything within us draws us toward connection. Our emotions-from childlike fear that makes us seek help, to excitement that sparks wonder, to hope that turns our eyes toward the future-all connect us to our humanity. The truth that sets us free begins with acknowledging when we're sad or hurting and need help.
Connection with others is another gift we discover when we're honest about our emotions. When we're vulnerable about our feelings, we experience the profound relief of not being alone. As Allen learned through her own journey, the point of life is connection-with our own hearts and with others in our world. Our emotions are meant to drive us toward these connections, not away from them.
We can't be present with others when we're refusing to be present with ourselves. We can't be emotionally healthy if we refuse to be emotionally honest. During a counseling retreat with close friends, Allen learned this lesson firsthand. After sharing her anger through tears and sobs, her friends initially tried to fix her feelings, making her feel misunderstood. When their counselor asked how she felt about their responses, she chose honesty over comfort-admitting she was hurt and angry. This vulnerability led to genuine connection as her friends shifted from trying to fix her to simply feeling with her.
The counselor established ground rules: listen intently, listen fully, and respond with "I feel..." not "I think..." This approach transformed Allen. Now she can hold space for others' emotions without rushing to make them stop, and she can experience her own feelings without shame. Her once-tangled emotional ropes are now lifelines connecting her to those she loves.
Chapter 8
The Four-Step Path to Emotional Freedom
Allen offers a practical four-step process for untangling our emotions: Notice, Name, Feel, and Share.
First, we must notice what's happening inside us. Harvard research shows people who bottle up emotions increase their chance of premature death by over 30% and cancer risk by 70%. Our emotions follow a three-phase approach: an inciting event occurs, our mind makes a prediction about its impact, and our body and mind react. When our emotional reserves are depleted, even minor events can trigger anxiety symptoms. Instead of compartmentalizing these feelings, we need to notice them before they manifest as outbursts that damage our relationships.
Next, we must name our emotions. Learning to name our emotions is essential to untangling our inner lives. Many people respond with "fine" either because they mean it or because they fear their world might implode if they express what they're truly feeling. Naming emotions gives us authority over them, allowing us to work with rather than against them. "If you want to tame it, name it," as Dr. Daniel Siegel says. This taming isn't about control but about establishing a dance-like relationship with our feelings.
Emotional granularity-the ability to describe emotions with nuanced words instead of generic terms-directly connects to better mental, physical, and relational health. The more specifically we can describe our internal experiences, the more flexible we become with our emotions, leading to fewer medical issues and better social functioning.
Third, we must feel our emotions. This means pausing, giving ourselves permission to experience the emotion without judgment, looking back to identify patterns, and persisting with the feeling instead of fighting against it. When we express authentic emotions rather than seeking escape, we can potentially bypass the stress response altogether. Research shows that emotional acceptance is powerful precisely because it allows emotions to run their natural course and end more quickly. The goal isn't to stifle emotions but to experience them appropriately and recover faster.
Finally, we must share our emotions with safe people. Scientific research confirms that sharing our pain in safe relationships literally heals our brains. Neural pathways damaged by trauma can reconnect-like tiny strings fighting to find each other again. When we share our sadness, fear, and worry with safe people who truly see us, actual healing occurs.
Chapter 9
Putting It All Together
Even after noticing, naming, feeling, and sharing our emotions, we still must decide what to do with them. Whether we realize it or not, we're always making decisions about our feelings-stuffing them away, letting them run wild, or consciously processing them. But there's another option: feeling our emotions fully, sharing them with trusted loved ones, and letting them draw us closer to others. Choosing this intentional process leads to wholeheartedness and authentic connection-the life we were built for as relational beings.
When our emotions overwhelm us, we must make conscious choices about how to respond. While there's no single right way to feel sad, anxious, or angry, what we choose to do with these emotions can profoundly impact our lives and relationships. We might turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking ourselves numb, overworking, or emotional eating - or we can choose healthier paths like connecting with others, journaling, or seeking professional support. Our emotions are like ocean waves-sometimes gently lapping at our ankles, providing gentle awareness; other times sweeping us out to sea in a dangerous riptide of overwhelming feelings. Just as a swimmer caught in a riptide needs specific strategies to survive, we need tools and support systems when emotional currents threaten to overwhelm us.
After noticing, naming, feeling, and sharing our emotions, we might realize we need additional support: professional counseling to process complex feelings, addressing deep-seated childhood hurts, healing from past trauma, learning healthier emotional patterns, or pursuing relationship counseling. This recognition of needing help is not a sign of weakness but rather of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Allen has learned to view herself as the pastor of her own soul rather than passively waiting for someone else to fix her emotional struggles. While we absolutely need community and support systems, we also have within us the capacity to initiate change and growth. Two fundamental questions help her make sense of the knots in her soul when emotions become tangled: "What do I need to know?" helps identify emotional triggers and patterns, while "What do I need to do?" guides practical action steps toward healing. These questions can serve as compass points for navigating our emotional landscape.
The journey of emotional health isn't linear - it's more like a spiral, where we revisit similar themes but hopefully with greater wisdom and understanding each time. Some days we'll handle our emotions with grace and skill; other days we'll fall back on old patterns. The key is maintaining commitment to the process of growth while extending grace to ourselves along the way.
Chapter 10
Breaking Through Stubborn Emotional Knots
Sometimes our emotions remain tangled despite our best efforts. Allen offers practical strategies for these situations:
Take a break from screens. Our emotions are strongest during first experiences but diminish with repetition. In our digital age, constant exposure to death, tragedy, and violence through screens has numbed and confused our emotional responses. We've "seen it all," traumatizing our brains and stunting our reactions.
Sit in silence. When was the last time you sat alone in complete silence? We live in "continuous partial attention," constantly bombarding our minds with stimuli, creating an artificial sense of crisis while scanning for other opportunities, leaving us perpetually on high alert.
Eat smart and drink water. Our mood dramatically shifts based on what we eat and drink. As mind-body-spirit creatures, each part affects the others. The gut's bacterial balance directly impacts serotonin production and mood regulation. One simple solution: proper hydration-drink water equal to half your body weight in ounces daily.
Move and get outside. There's no health detriment that isn't improved by exercise, yet the average American sits for over six hours daily. Just twenty minutes of moderate activity five days weekly significantly reduces depression risk. Many of us suffer from "nature deficit disorder," moving from one indoor space to another without connecting with the natural world.
Consider professional help. What most of us need but resist is a counselor. If trauma and decades of hurt have accumulated, the situation needs a professional. You aren't especially broken; you're especially wise to ask for help.
Chapter 11
The Gifts of Emotional Health
As we practice noticing, naming, feeling, and sharing our emotions, several gifts emerge:
Hope returns. The goal is to make you feel seen, help you navigate your emotions, and reconnect with people. Even when feeling things were getting worse, there can still be that tiny "yet"-hope that it would turn. Keep showing up, giving room for healing to work.
Grace grows. We're all broken people living in a broken world. When we acknowledge this, we can extend grace to others and ourselves. This emotional work will put us in awkward situations-people will misspeak, misunderstand, take offense, overshare, or break confidences. But over time, the weird normalizes and things improve.
Connection deepens. As we grow in emotional health, we naturally bring our feelings to others before trying to make sense of them alone. If we don't share our feelings, they'll likely overtake us. Our emotions are gifts, not things to stuff away.
Control shifts. While we have control over our thoughts, life isn't that simple. Before a thought, there's a feeling-an abstract sense that something is wrong or right-that can't be wished away. It must surface to be faced, seen, soothed, and made safe. As this happens, we heal, and our thoughts change too.
Creativity returns. When stuck in cycles of judging and fighting our emotions, all our energy gets consumed. But once we learn to feel our feelings without running from them, we free up that energy to live life fully with all its shades instead of just gray. As we move toward emotional wellness, we gain increased capacity to serve, give, and care.
Chapter 12
Living Fully in Every Emotion
There's no formula for untangling emotions, but progress is possible. We should fight for joy because we have much to be joyful, hopeful, and grateful for, but we should also allow ourselves to be sad, angry, and scared when appropriate-not because we're weak, but because we're human.
God built us with the capacity to carry multiple emotions simultaneously. We can have both joy and fear coexisting about the same circumstance. Perhaps the world feels depressed and anxious today because we've forgotten we can contain fear and joy, sadness and hope at the same moment.
The emotionally mature person isn't afraid of emotions-they expect them. They come in waves, sometimes from circumstances, sometimes from mood, sometimes just because we're human. We notice them, name them, let them seep into all parts of us, and share significant ones. This process isn't organized; it's messy and uncontrollable. But the maturity we can reach means we don't need to make sense of it all or judge it. We can live in the tension of pain and happiness in a given hour, laughing and crying-all part of a full life we wouldn't want to miss.
Feeling again has given us our greatest friendships and conversations and led to our greatest hope: that future day when every tear will be dried and every wrong made right. In the meantime, we get each other, and a chance to live with hearts whole, feeling, connected. That is the life we want. That is the life that's possible for you.
