Chapter 4
Workplace Myths That Perpetuate Inequality
American workers across all sectors report exhaustion from 12-16 hour workdays, with the US being one of the few industrialized nations without mandated sick leave or vacation days. This makes supposed work-life "fixes" ineffective half-measures that cannot achieve true gender equality.
When companies see gender imbalance as a "women's problem," they miss the bigger picture. While women earn 82 cents on a man's dollar overall, single women without children earn 96 cents, while married mothers earn just 76 cents. Motherhood has become a greater predictor of wage inequality than gender itself. Young women initially outperform men academically and often earn higher early-career salaries, but these gains disappear after becoming mothers.
Though women do provide the majority of caregiving, the issue is evolving. A Wharton study found 43% of male graduates now anticipate career-family conflicts (up from 33% in 1992), and a third of male millennial Harvard Business School graduates expect to split childcare equally with partners. Redefining this as a "care problem" rather than a "women's problem" allows us to address the real issue: the undervaluing of care regardless of who provides it.
While progressive companies tout "family-friendly policies," these policies often exist only on paper. The gap between policy and practice is stark-67% of companies allow some workers to work from home occasionally, but only 8% extend this to most employees. Even when managers support flexibility, employees often don't request it, fearing career suicide. Studies show workers using flexibility policies receive wage penalties, lower evaluations, and fewer promotions-with men facing even harsher stigma than women when utilizing parental leave or remote work options.
For low-wage workers, flexibility problems are even more severe. Over 70% of low-wage workers lack paid sick days, risking job loss when family emergencies arise. Nearly one-quarter of American adults have been fired or threatened with termination for taking time off for illness or caregiving. Simultaneously, "just-in-time" scheduling practices at major retailers create unpredictable hours, making childcare arrangements nearly impossible. For millions, "flexibility" isn't the solution but the problem itself.
The "time macho" culture celebrates relentless competition to work harder and longer. I participated in this game during my younger years, staying up all night in law school and at my firm. Yet I noticed a colleague who left by 6 PM accomplished just as much-she was simply more efficient, immediately delegating what others could do while focusing on what only she could do. After turning forty with young children at home, I realized my sleep deprivation was making me inefficient and irritable. When I finally allowed myself seven to eight hours of sleep, I became happier and unquestionably more productive.
Modern research confirms knowledge workers have fewer than eight productive hours daily before making mistakes. Creativity especially requires downtime and play. Americans view leisure merely as "work stoppage for bodily repair" rather than time to contemplate and enjoy life. The Danes, who consistently rank among the world's happiest people, think workaholics are simply boring-they have no time for books, plays, sports, or meaningful conversation.
Chapter 5
The Deeper Issue: Competition Versus Care
Examining women at both top and bottom reveals a pattern: the struggle to balance competition and care in a system that rewards one while penalizing the other. Though both drives are essential human qualities-competition producing money and care producing people-our society consistently devalues caregiving. Professional women who prioritize family face career derailment, while low-wage working mothers struggle without support systems.
Half of single mothers earn less than $25,000 annually, with American single parents facing higher poverty rates and weaker support than those in other developed nations. Stories like Ranie Sherr's, who missed work for childcare and faced severe income reduction, or Maria's factory job with bathroom restrictions and no sick leave, illustrate how caregiving responsibilities clash with inflexible workplaces. Despite welfare reforms requiring work, America fails to provide affordable childcare and paid leave that would enable mothers to succeed professionally.
The early women's movement of the 1970s united women under the banner of liberation from stereotypes and discrimination, creating a genuine sisterhood across diverse backgrounds. Gloria Steinem envisioned the movement as a "revolutionary bridge" connecting women of all backgrounds. However, this unity was always fragile, with many women of color never feeling fully included, leading Alice Walker to coin "womanism" as a more inclusive alternative. Four decades later, the sisterhood has frayed considerably as women's lives have diverged across class, race, and lifestyle lines. Despite these differences, discrimination against caregiving remains a common thread affecting women worldwide, providing potential ground for renewed solidarity.
Middle-class families face the "two-income trap" described by Warren and Tyagi, where having both parents in the workforce has paradoxically made families less financially resilient by eliminating the safety net of a stay-at-home parent who could enter the workforce during crises. This arrangement also removes the valuable economic role of the caregiver who provides insurance and backup support during family emergencies. While 70% of single-breadwinner middle-class families still rely on male earners, this is shifting as traditionally female "care economy" jobs in education and healthcare expand while manufacturing contracts.
Focusing on care as equal to competition could help privileged white women better understand the experiences of women of color, for whom caregiving and breadwinning have historically been inseparable. Taigi Smith articulates a powerful critique of mainstream feminism, declaring herself a "womanist" because "white women's feminism" didn't address her needs as "the daughter of a black, single, domestic worker." Smith observes that white women's liberation from housework and childcare often came "at the economic and social expense of women of color" who were "stuck cleaning their kitchens and raising their babies."
Chapter 6
Revaluing Caregiving's True Worth
When suggesting to Princeton seniors that they should value breadwinning and caregiving equally, one economics major responded that people "internalize the judgments of the market," which values breadwinning over caregiving due to supply and demand. He compared caregiving to janitorial work-something "many people can do with little training"-while comparing breadwinning to specialized professions like computer science.
This view fundamentally misunderstands caregiving's complexity. Megan Gunnar, a Regents Professor at the University of Minnesota, argues that good early-childhood caregivers need "the analytical skills of a physicist, the adaptive abilities of a crisis manager, the emotional insight of a psychologist, and the range of general knowledge of a Jeopardy! champion." They must analyze situations in real-time and identify teaching moments for physics, numerical concepts, and language arts.
The impact of quality care is profound: neuroscientific evidence shows that care received from birth to age five can determine life outcomes. The Carolina Abecedarian Project demonstrated that disadvantaged children who received high-quality care from birth to age five were four times more likely to earn college degrees and had better physical health decades later than the control group-suggesting both that achievement gaps are established in early childhood and that thoughtful intervention can level the playing field.
Caring isn't just giving-it's about developing the part of yourself that thrives through human connection rather than competition. While motherhood includes hard work and boredom, it also brings "laughter, sunshine, swing sets and wonder"-what Alison Gopnik calls children's ability "to explore both the actual world and all the possible worlds." Family moments like late-night conversations with teenagers, Sunday dinners, and holiday gatherings satisfy something deep within us.
Mayeroff's essential attributes of caring include courage, trust, humility, and hope-all interconnected qualities that build character. These virtues developed through caregiving translate directly to leadership. The courage to acknowledge limitations and apologize for mistakes, the humility to accept imperfection while maintaining hope for improvement-these are qualities that have shaped my professional decisions as much as my parenting. Anyone possessing these caring attributes would make an exceptional employee, while bosses lacking them aren't tougher or stronger-just bad bosses.
In America, we pay early childhood workers-those stimulating young brains-the same wages as people who park cars or flip burgers. We reward status through both money and social prestige, as evidenced by how differently people respond to "I'm an investor" versus "I'm a teacher" at cocktail parties. The consequences are clear: third-rate public education compared to countries like Finland, where teaching is prestigious and competitive. Finnish teacher training colleges are as selective as MIT, while many American teaching programs have no admissions requirements.
Chapter 7
Why Men Need a Movement Too
For true gender equality to be achieved, men need a movement of their own. Most gender inequalities cannot be fixed unless men have the same range of choices regarding caregiving and breadwinning that women do. Men face a "heinous double standard" where they're praised for routine parenting behaviors that would be considered unremarkable in mothers-what Andrew Romano calls "the soft bigotry of low expectations." To counter these assumptions, men need to be respected and rewarded for choosing to be lead parents, defer promotions, work part-time, take paternity leave, or reject workaholism.
Evidence of a profound shift in how men think about themselves is emerging. Wharton professor Stewart Friedman reports that for the first time, a male student expressed plans to be a "stay-at-home dad." At Harvard Business School, student association co-president Kunal Modi urged fellow male students to "man up," arguing that "raising children and running a household are not 'women's' roles" and treating them as such hurts families' economic well-being. Harvard Law School Dean Martha Minow notes that questions about balancing work and life now come from young men as well as women.
Madison Avenue has quickly adapted to these changing norms. When Huggies ran ads suggesting paternal incompetence with the tagline "We put them to the toughest test imaginable: dads, alone with their babies," fathers protested fiercely, forcing the company to apologize. Newer ads from companies like Chevrolet and Dove Men+Care now celebrate involved fatherhood, with messaging like "What makes a man stronger? Showing that he cares."
The revolution shouldn't stop with fathers. Men-all men-deserve the same expansion of life choices that women have experienced since the 1950s. As a mother of sons, I've realized we're raising daughters with more life paths than our sons. Girls hear "you can do anything boys can do, plus what girls traditionally do," while boys still receive narrow messages about masculinity.
Men whose wives out-earn them often struggle with societal expectations. A high school teacher whose wife climbed the corporate ladder confessed that "there is something subtly if not overtly that our society attaches to a husband whose wife's income is obviously much greater than his." Another man described how resentment toward his higher-earning wife led to divorce, feeling he had failed "to be a real father."
Money and masculinity remain deeply intertwined. When I had breakfast with a successful female banker, she bluntly stated men won't publicly admit their discomfort when wives outearn them. Thirty years after Bebe Moore Campbell's "Successful Women, Angry Men," little has changed-studies show marriages where women outearn men are more likely to dissolve. The men willing to break these traditional masculine barriers show the same courage as pioneering feminists who pushed into male-dominated fields.
Chapter 8
Women's Role in Gender Equality
Like the liberating message of Frozen's theme song, women need to let go not only of society's expectations about who they should be, but also their own expectations about men's roles and capabilities. Many American women presume superiority in domestic realms. We'd be outraged if a male boss claimed biological superiority and micromanaged our work, yet we treat husbands exactly this way when leaving them with children-preparing detailed instructions and checking in constantly.
I vividly remember the first time our son called for Daddy instead of Mommy in the night. My immediate reaction was dismay-I'm his mother, and children are supposed to call for their mothers. If he's not calling for me, I must not be a good mom. This reaction revealed something deeper than guilt: envy. As psychiatrist Andras Angyal notes, "We ourselves want to be needed." Mothers have long experienced that special rush when a child reaches for us, but sharing this role is difficult.
After my Atlantic article was published, a young woman thanked me for starting the work-family conversation but wrinkled her nose at the idea of a "house husband, a man doing the dishes." Her reaction exposes our continuing inequality: women can leave the workforce and remain attractive partners, but for men, that remains risky. A 2010 Pew survey found 64% of women believe it's very important for men to be good providers, while only 39% said the same about women.
The first step to equality is letting go of our insane expectations of ourselves. Studies show women who outearn their husbands actually do more housework, not less. We've created a mirage of perfection where we try to be model mothers and star employees simultaneously. Debora Spar argues that women "made a mistake" by interpreting feminism as a pathway to personal perfection, creating unrealistic expectations to save the world while looking forever young.
Real equality means letting men truly share domestic responsibilities-not just "helping" us with our tasks. When Norway's first female prime minister Gro Harlem Brundtland took office, her husband agreed to care for their four children on one condition: he would do it his way. Many women resist truly relinquishing control, believing deep down that men can't run households as well as women can. This is sexism, plain and simple.
Chapter 9
Creating Workplaces That Value Both Care and Competition
If exercise's tremendous benefits came in pill form, everyone would take it daily. Similarly baffling is how businesses ignore overwhelming evidence that family-friendly policies improve recruitment, retention, productivity, and morale. Despite an ongoing "war for talent," companies still exclude highly qualified women in their forties and fifties who once ramped down for caregiving. We remain trapped in a 1950s mindset about work schedules, ideal workers, and career trajectories.
Digital technology is transforming work as dramatically as the industrial revolution, pushing us from centralized offices toward distributed networks. The on-demand economy connects independent contractors with customers through platforms like Uber, Lyft, and TaskRabbit. This "gig economy" is expanding beyond rides and rooms to virtually everything-handyman services, cooking, shopping, coding, even medical and legal services. While offering flexibility (caregivers can stay home with sick children without losing jobs), it creates significant inequities: below-minimum wages and no benefits for those trying to make a living.
OpenWork represents both a concept and movement transforming traditional workplaces. While many offices remain stuck in century-old frameworks, innovative companies are allowing employees to shape their environments collaboratively with supervisors. These openworking companies see remarkable results: 97% report increased productivity, 88% of employees experience greater job satisfaction, and 45% show reduced stress and burnout.
When your workplace isn't flexible, you can initiate change yourself rather than quitting. Managing up means helping your boss prioritize requests and reminding them of your humanity. When overloaded, simply ask "If I can't get to everything, what's most important?" This forces supervisors to clarify priorities while acknowledging your limitations. Working continually in crisis mode takes a tremendous toll-it's perfectly reasonable to set boundaries while still delivering on important tasks.
When I became dean of the Woodrow Wilson School in 2002 with sons aged five and three, I established a clear principle: family matters come first. Once during a board meeting, I left for an hour to attend my child's teacher conference. I developed the slogan: "If family comes first, work does not come second. Life comes together." This applied equally to me and my employees-if anyone had a family issue, they should attend to it, and we would cover for them. In return, they took responsibility for meeting professional obligations.
Chapter 10
A National Vision for Care
Americans love self-help books that promise individual solutions, but the changes needed for work-family balance require collective political action. Just as businesses need physical infrastructure like roads and electricity to function, we need an infrastructure of care. We used to have one: women at home. With 60% of those women now in the workforce, that infrastructure has crumbled.
We need a new "Care Grid" for the 21st century, including high-quality affordable childcare and eldercare, paid family leave for both genders, flexible work options, early education investment, pregnancy worker protections, better wages for caregivers, community support for elders, legal protections for part-time workers, age discrimination enforcement, support for single parents, and reformed school schedules.
The politics of care cross partisan lines. Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly strongly supports paid maternity leave, calling it "hard, important work." President Obama has proposed expanding access to affordable childcare, while Republican Governor Chris Christie implemented paid family leave in New Jersey. Republican senators have sponsored legislation for flexible work arrangements, and many Republican women voters support paid family leave. The disagreement isn't about whether to support care, but who should provide it-conservatives prefer family, church and community, while liberals worry too many will fall through those cracks.
America is exceptional among advanced nations primarily for what it's NOT doing in the realm of care. We're alone among industrialized countries in not mandating paid maternity leave, while countries like Britain provide up to a year with some pay. Other nations offer extensive support for caregivers from childcare to elder care. Norway's philosophy: "raising a child is real work" that "provides value for the whole society," so society should pay for this service. These countries now enjoy greater social mobility than America-immigrants to Denmark, Australia, Norway, Finland, Canada, Sweden, or Germany have better chances of improving their lot than in the United States.
We don't need to copy Europe exactly (their ultra-generous leaves can hurt ambitious women), but we can recognize that men and women are equal and that earning income and providing care are equally necessary and valuable. A caring society is a more equal society-"you don't care" reflects fear of abandonment just as "that's not fair" reflects fear of power abuse. Americans should define ourselves as citizens who care, remembering our history includes not just rugged individualism but barn raisings and quilting bees.
