What is *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay* about?

*Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay* by Mira Kirshenbaum is a step-by-step guide for individuals experiencing relationship ambivalence. It uses diagnostic questions—like past happiness, affection, communication, and self-respect—to help readers decide whether to stay and work on the relationship or leave. The approach prioritizes prognosis over pros/cons, replacing indecision with clarity.

Who should read *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay*?

This book is ideal for those stuck in "iffy" relationships—feeling conflicted about staying or leaving. It suits anyone seeking objective criteria to evaluate their partnership, especially if they feel trapped between hope and frustration. The diagnostic framework helps readers move beyond emotional paralysis to make confident decisions.

Is *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay* worth reading?

Yes, it provides practical tools for relationship decision-making. Readers gain actionable insights through structured self-reflection, though some note limitations in neurodiverse contexts (e.g., ADHD) where effort may outweigh immediate results. Overall, it’s praised for reducing ambiguity and empowering choices.

Who is Mira Kirshenbaum?

Mira Kirshenbaum is a therapist and author specializing in relationship dynamics. Her expertise informs the book’s clinical yet accessible approach, blending diagnostic rigor with real-world examples. She emphasizes prognoses over vague feelings to resolve ambivalence.

What are the key diagnostic questions in *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay*?

The book’s pivotal questions include: - **Past goodness**: “Were things ever very good?” - **Affection/sex**: “Is there consistent intimacy?” - **Problem-solving**: “Does your partner acknowledge and act on issues?” - **Self-respect**: “Do you feel humiliated or invisible?” Honest answers reveal whether the relationship’s prognosis supports staying or leaving.

How does *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay* address unmet needs?

It advises identifying non-negotiable needs (e.g., respect, support) and assessing if they can be met. If core needs remain unfulfilled despite communication, leaving may yield greater happiness. The book stresses that persistent frustration signals incompatibility, not personal failure.

What role does self-respect play in Kirshenbaum’s framework?

Sustained loss of self-respect—feeling controlled, humiliated, or invisible—signals a relationship is “too bad to stay.” The book argues this erosion indicates toxicity, making leaving essential for long-term well-being. Self-respect is non-negotiable for viable partnerships.

Are there critiques of *Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay*?

Yes. Some readers find it less applicable to neurodiverse relationships (e.g., ADHD), where intent may outweigh immediate change. Others note its 1996 publishing date makes certain examples feel dated. However, the core diagnostic approach remains widely valued.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

Mira Kirshenbaum

4.18(3361 Reviews)

Overview of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Trapped in relationship limbo? "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" offers a revolutionary diagnostic approach that's guided indecisive couples for 25+ years. Rabbi Harold Kushner called it "wise, compassionate" - the book that transformed relationship ambivalence into clarity for thousands.

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Chapter 1

When Love Hangs in the Balance

Stuck in relationship limbo? You're not alone. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay has become a lifeline for millions facing the agonizing "should I stay or should I go" question. Since its publication in 1996, this book has remained a consistent bestseller, with celebrities like Jennifer Aniston reportedly turning to it during her split from Brad Pitt. Therapist Mira Kirshenbaum's approach revolutionized relationship advice by rejecting the traditional pros-and-cons method that keeps people trapped in indecision. Instead, she offers a diagnostic framework based on her research with hundreds of couples who either successfully revitalized their relationships or found happiness after leaving. The book's enduring popularity speaks to a universal truth: relationship ambivalence is one of life's most painful states, and we desperately need a way out.

Chapter 2

The Ambivalence Trap

You've tried everything. You've had the honest conversations, gone on romantic getaways, read relationship books, attempted therapy, and worked to accept things as they are. Yet you remain stuck in that terrible middle ground-unable to fully commit to your relationship but equally unable to leave. This state of relationship ambivalence is more than just indecision. It's an emotional purgatory where you shift from evaluating your relationship to constantly evaluating whether you should stay in it. The relationship itself becomes secondary to the question of whether to remain in it. Problems that once seemed manageable-broken agreements, affairs, annoying habits, family interference, sexual issues-have accumulated to create a tug-of-war between reasons to stay and reasons to leave. What makes ambivalence so destructive is the way it manifests. Some people experience dramatic mood swings about their relationship, others deny problems exist, some obsessively analyze every interaction, while others repeatedly break up and reconcile. Despite these variations, all ambivalent partners create emotional distance. You spend less time together, communicate less meaningfully, stop shared activities, and develop a cool, ritualistic quality to your interactions. You're essentially having an emotionally intense affair with your own ambivalence. The root cause is what Kirshenbaum calls the "balance-scale approach"-mentally weighing evidence for staying against evidence for leaving. You pile up good relationship qualities, hopes, and fears of leaving on one side, and relationship problems, fears, and hopes for independence on the other. This approach, while instinctive, is guaranteed to drive you crazy. Unlike weighing groceries, relationship factors constantly shift like puppies on a teeter-totter. You can't meaningfully compare present problems against uncertain futures or weigh issues that bother you today against the possibility they won't tomorrow. Carol's experience illustrates this perfectly. She struggles to reconcile her partner Tom's occasional kindness with his usual nastiness, his emotional neglect with their satisfactory sex life. Adding more factors only increases her confusion. Even therapists fall into this trap by avoiding blame and looking for mutual contributions to problems. But when deciding whether to stay or leave, you must identify deal-breakers regardless of who's responsible.

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Chapter 3

The Diagnostic Approach: Finding Your Answer

Rather than putting your relationship on trial like lawyers do, make a diagnosis like doctors do. Instead of weighing every piece of evidence, move through carefully arranged questions about your relationship until you find clarity. Earlier questions deal with obvious issues, while later ones address nuanced problems. The first crucial question looks at your relationship's foundation: When your relationship was at its best, was it really very good? Some people know there was a wonderful time when they were genuinely happy and in love. Others realize their "best" times were never truly good-they were empty, distant, or painful at the core. Jennifer, a 36-year-old psychiatrist, had spent six years in relationship ambivalence despite her intelligence and training. When asked about their best times, she quickly realized they were never truly good-she and her husband Don were just a "good-on-paper couple" who enjoyed the same activities but never truly connected. This clarity brought tears for the years she'd spent trying to decide about a relationship that never really existed. If your relationship was never very good at its best, the prognosis is poor. You can often fix what was broken, but rarely fix what never worked. The satisfaction-producing core necessary for a relationship to take root was simply never there. However, if things were good at their best, that doesn't automatically mean you should stay-there's more to consider. The second diagnostic question addresses physical safety: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Research is clear: abuse that happens more than once will escalate. If you've been abused more than once, your partner must find and begin participating in a program for abusive partners within weeks and maintain consistent participation for a full year. If they refuse or fail to comply, the relationship is over. Sometimes our actions reveal our true decisions before our minds acknowledge them. The third diagnostic question asks whether you've made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action that excludes your partner. Ruth's story illustrates this perfectly-while claiming ambivalence about her marriage to Spike, she spent two years training with a refugee organization that would ultimately take her abroad, away from him. She'd decided to leave eighteen months before she could admit it to herself.

Chapter 4

When Relationships Lose Their Life Force

Some relationships that appear dead on the surface still have vital life flowing through them, though it may be hidden beneath layers of conflict and disconnection. The fifth diagnostic question cuts to the heart of this matter: "Do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future?" Jack, a corporate consultant feeling emotionally estranged from his wife Laura, made a crucial discovery during therapy. He realized that their biweekly cooking sessions created a tension-free zone where they naturally connected, talked, and felt close-a current of life in their relationship that had been invisible beneath their accumulated problems. During these culinary adventures, they found themselves falling into an easy rhythm, sharing stories about their day, experimenting with new recipes, and occasionally breaking into spontaneous dance or song while stirring pots. This shared activity created genuine connection without forced conversation or therapeutic agenda. Though they didn't need to cook together, they chose to create these special meals where they meshed well, talked freely, sang along to music, or enjoyed comfortable silence while chopping vegetables. The presence of even one reliable positive connection point can be transformative. Whether it's hiking, gardening, solving crossword puzzles, or watching a favorite TV show together, if there's something you both genuinely enjoy and look forward to sharing, there's possibility for a viable relationship. This isn't about manufactured moments or obligatory "date nights," but rather about regular, authentic positive connections you both anticipate and make happen-a precious sign that love remains possible. These shared experiences often serve as bridges back to emotional intimacy. Beyond shared activities, there's an elemental precondition for love that can't be overlooked: you can't fall in love with somebody you find fundamentally repulsive. The sixth diagnostic question addresses this basic reality by asking if your partner is basically nice, reasonably intelligent, not excessively neurotic, okay to look at, and smells all right to you. This isn't about meeting society's standards of perfection or beauty-just basic animal compatibility and attraction. Do you feel physically comfortable in their presence? Can you imagine being intimate with them? A thoughtful, unmistakable no to these questions (not clouded by momentary anger or temporary grievances) indicates a basic discord at the physical level that likely means leaving is the right choice. This visceral response, while sometimes uncomfortable to acknowledge, is an important indicator of relationship viability. The combination of shared positive experiences and basic physical compatibility creates the foundation for potential relationship renewal. Without these elements, even the most committed therapeutic work may not be enough to resurrect genuine intimacy and connection.

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Chapter 5

Power Struggles and Relationship Poison

Power in relationships often starts like a gentle tropical breeze that gradually becomes a hurricane. Most people don't show their full capacity for control early in relationships-even powerful people initially soft-pedal their ability to throw their weight around. With time, the winds pick up, making it exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who constantly overwhelms you. Rosemary's relationship with Vinnie illustrates power imbalance perfectly. Vinnie, a successful restaurant owner, was like a steamroller-when he wanted things to happen, they happened. Rosemary tolerated this, believing it was typical male behavior, respecting his business needs, and fearing she'd lose his superficial respect if she challenged him. Even after a therapy session where Vinnie promised to change, he immediately reverted to controlling behavior on the drive home, insisting they visit the restaurant when Rosemary needed to prepare for a client meeting-seemingly unable to let her "win" even once. Power people typically develop through two childhood threads: having powerful, domineering family members (teaching that accumulating power is the only way to survive) and inadvertently learning effective power tactics from observing these family members. What distinguishes destructive power people isn't merely skill at acquiring power but an inability to stop themselves from doing so-they're out of control with the need to be in control. Power people fight for seemingly unnecessary things because they're not pursuing specific outcomes but power itself. When you try to meet your own needs, power people interpret this as a power play because they project their own mindset onto you. Like the scorpion who stings the frog carrying him across the river, they're "made stupid in the service of their need for power." To determine if you're dealing with a true power person, try the fairness test: without blaming or attacking, simply point out an inequity in your relationship (like "It's not fair that we always watch what you want on TV"). Power people won't respond productively to appeals to fairness-they'll employ more power tactics, perhaps subtly. They behave this way because they feel fundamentally unsafe without controlling everything, as vulnerable as you'd feel walking naked through Manhattan.

Chapter 6

When Communication Breaks Down

"We just can't communicate" is a common complaint that sends people seeking help. But communication problems create confusion when trying to decide whether to stay or leave. Is bad communication causing relationship problems, or are relationship problems causing bad communication? Which communication issues are fixable and which are fatal? What truly damages relationships is what Kirshenbaum calls "off-the-table-itis"-when someone consistently refuses to discuss certain topics. This condition destroys communication's bridge-building function by repeatedly taking important issues off the table for discussion. Off-the-table-itis can be expressed directly ("I don't want to talk about that"), through redirection ("Okay, but what about..."), threats ("If you keep pushing me to talk about that, I don't want to be in this relationship"), emotional abuse that makes you feel wrong for bringing up topics, or even extreme politeness that indefinitely postpones discussion. It's not off-the-table-itis when your partner finds a topic difficult, shows reluctance, or occasionally refuses to discuss something due to mood or timing. The condition exists only when your communication attempts are consistently rejected to the point where you feel discouraged from ever raising the topic again. Off-the-table-itis is particularly destructive because it prevents solving every other problem-it rules itself off the table. Without the ability to give feedback-to say "I like this," "I don't like that," "This hurts me"-relationships suffocate. When your partner blocks feedback attempts through hurt feelings, anger, counterattacks, or simply refusing to listen, they're essentially declaring they don't care if the relationship feels good to you. The differences that truly matter relate to how we actually live our lives. If one person's vision includes having children as central while the other is committed to a child-free life, that's a fundamental difference about what matters most in how you live.

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Chapter 7

Trust, Truth and Genuine Connection

If off-the-table-itis prevents communication, lying actively subtracts from it. Before a lie, you simply didn't know; after it, you think you know but are wrong. Lying is to communication what murder is to life-taking away what's real and precious. Yet paradoxically, almost everyone lies sometimes-from white lies to self-protective deceptions. The key distinction is safety: most people can accept occasional small lies as long as they trust their partner wouldn't lie about anything truly important. The critical diagnostic question becomes: Have you reached the point where, when your partner says something, you usually feel it's more likely they're lying than telling the truth? Living with someone you believe is constantly lying leads to bitterness, paranoia, and despair. Your world becomes nightmarish, and the only way to feel safe is to disconnect so profoundly that you've essentially ended the relationship anyway. Beyond trust, there's a more fundamental question: In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? This isn't about whether you'd be friends exactly as you are with others, or if you like the same things, but whether you genuinely like each other the way friends do. Ann and Dave fell in love and married because they shared the same values, meeting at a Quaker Meeting as they both tried to reconnect with their spiritual roots. Despite this "perfect marriage," Ann felt deep shame about her unhappiness and desire to leave Dave. Though she insisted she loved him, her complaints revealed he was mean, complaining, cold, boring, disconnected, and critical of others. Eventually Ann admitted the painful truth: "I don't think I've ever really liked him. I like what he likes. But I don't like him." Sometimes people need a "critical incident" to recognize they don't like their partner. One woman had long suspected her husband was selfish but couldn't fully admit her dislike until she watched him greedily devour all the free samples at a country food fair where locals could barely afford to give away their homemade goods. This gluttonous display suddenly crystallized her feelings, giving her permission to acknowledge she truly did not like her husband.

Chapter 8

The Physical Connection

The physical dimension of relationships encompasses a vast territory with countless books written about good sex and countless arguments between couples about when, how, and what to do during lovemaking. The essential question is: amid this complexity, what clear signal indicates the physical relationship is so damaged that leaving would be best? This question is very basic: Do both partners want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other? This includes elemental actions like kissing, hugging, stroking, holding hands-any form of physical contact. When either person has stopped wanting to touch or be touched for several months without signs of improvement, they're making a profound statement about their alienation. Physical touch serves as a crucial bridge back from mutual shutdown, as spontaneous touching often helps couples find their way out of hurt and anger. Without this braking mechanism against relationship crashes, couples remain trapped in their negative patterns. People often wonder if great sex can compensate for other relationship problems, like living in a subpar house with an ocean view. The answer lies in distinguishing between two aspects of sexuality: general sexuality (responses you carry with you across relationships) and person-specific sexuality (unique to your current partner). Your general sexuality shouldn't determine whether you stay or leave, as those satisfying experiences would likely occur in other relationships too. However, person-specific sexuality-feeling uniquely attracted to your partner in ways that put them in a special category-is critical for resolving relationship ambivalence. This doesn't mean imagining no one else could satisfy you, but rather experiencing something sweet, safe, special or comfortable that makes other potential partners feel different.

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Chapter 9

Dealing with Unchangeable Problems

Failing to address relationship problems promptly can lead to decades of unnecessary misery. Take Sally, who spent thirty-two years married to an alcoholic, with twenty of those years being miserable as he came home intoxicated during weekdays and got loaded every weekend. When she finally left after their money was gone, she was stunned by how peaceful she felt within six months-but bitter about wasting so many years. Many people remain stuck in ambivalent relationships because they're confused about whether they have the right to ask for change. While the historical view recognized the right to demand partners solve their problems, a competing "like-it-or-lump-it" attitude gained prominence in the 1960s. This philosophy went too far in promoting individual autonomy at the expense of relationship needs. Nothing creates more rage and distance than feeling unable to influence your partner. Influence inherently means getting someone to change-whether it's picking up socks or stopping criticism. You're absolutely entitled to want your partner to change problematic behaviors. When deciding if your partner's problems are too serious to stay, consider four key questions: Can they acknowledge their problem? Are they willing to change? Can you let go of being bothered by the problem? Are they able to change? The concept of denial has become overused, so Kirshenbaum focuses on blindness and ignorance about oneself. This includes substance abusers who don't see their drinking problem, psychiatric issues where denial is part of the symptom, and everyday relationship-spoiling behaviors people remain blind to-from control issues to being boring lovers to having explosive tempers. When partners deny important problems, it creates a special kind of hell. What makes it particularly tormenting is how tantalizingly close resolution seems-after all, seeing should be easy. We keep thinking, "Any day now they'll get it," failing to recognize that if they haven't seen something so obvious yet, they likely never will.

Chapter 10

Finding Your Bottom Line

When deciding about an iffy relationship, you must avoid two mistakes: leaving when you'd be happier staying, and staying when you'd be happier leaving. People who made good decisions identified their personal bottom lines, recognized when partners crossed them, and acted accordingly. Those who were unhappy couldn't or wouldn't define their limits or act when they were violated. Ignoring your bottom line creates psychological self-mutilation. When you don't act after a partner crosses an unacceptable boundary, you become a "backdoor accomplice" to their behavior. This implicit permission damages you deeply-it's as if you're saying, "That ruins our relationship, but I give you permission to do it anyway." Bottom lines aren't something you arbitrarily decide-they're truths you discover about yourself through experience. Everyone has them, even those who consider themselves flexible. Examples include: "If he goes six months without wanting sex, I'm out," "If she humiliates me in front of the children again, I'm ending it," or "If his mother comes to live here, I'm moving out." You must acknowledge your personal limits and be prepared to act on them. Sometimes you discover bottom lines only after they've been crossed. Charlotte came home early to find her husband dressed in her clothes and wearing her makeup. She was horrified and immediately knew this crossed a line for her, though neither of them had known this boundary existed before that moment. When a partner crosses a boundary neither of you knew existed, it's time for the "If this ever happens again..." conversation. Don't frame it as a threat ("If you ever do this again, it's over") but as a fact: "I need you to know that such and such is my absolute bottom line. That's simply a fact for me, so if you ever do it again, I'll know you want to end our relationship."

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Chapter 11

The Ultimate Test of Love

To determine if mutual shutdown is more powerful than your love, or if your love can overcome the shutdown, ask yourself: "Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you're giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?" Real love delivers-it's not just what you feel or say you feel, but what you can give based on those feelings. As Harry Stack Sullivan said, "When the satisfaction or security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one's own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists." Love isn't the package you carry around but the package you deliver. In mutual shutdown, your capacity to give diminishes as your partner withdraws, until eventually you have nothing left to give regardless of what you claim to feel-that's when love dies. Barbara married Sam at twenty, full of romantic hopes and a shared dream tied to his costume jewelry business. Though constantly near bankruptcy, Barbara worked twelve-hour days for little or no salary to keep their livelihood alive. After twenty years, adversity had corroded their relationship into constant fighting and mutual shutdown-no sex, no kind words, not even an "I love you" despite her claim that love kept her there. When asked if she could give Sam an unconditional gift of love without expecting anything in return, Barbara initially refused, feeling completely depleted. After taking a two-week vacation at her mother's, she returned surprisingly able to be nice to Sam again. This small change cost her nothing but sparked a response from him, turning their mutual shutdown into mutual connection. Her willingness to give unconditionally proved her love was real and became a reason to stay. When someone refuses to give unconditionally, it raises the question of where change and healing will come from in a relationship locked in mutual shutdown. Sometimes this refusal means it's truly over, but sometimes it just reflects temporary pain. The fear of being taken advantage of when giving unconditionally is usually unwarranted. If you give and receive nothing in return, you'll eventually have nothing left to give anyway, but at least you'll have tested whether your love is real. Through these diagnostic questions, Kirshenbaum offers a path out of ambivalence toward clarity. Whether your relationship proves too good to leave or too bad to stay, finding your answer brings relief from the torment of indecision. And that clarity itself-regardless of the outcome-is the first step toward a happier life.

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Key Themes in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

relationship ambivalence
decision making framework
identifying deal-breakers
emotional purgatory
diagnostic relationship assessment

Quotes from Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Relationship ambivalence is one of life's most painful states, and we desperately need a way out.
You can often fix what was broken, but rarely fix what never worked.
Abuse that happens more than once will escalate.
You can't fall in love with somebody you find fundamentally repulsive.

Characters in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Mira KirshenbaumAuthor and therapist who developed the framework
CarolCase study struggling with a partner's nastiness
JenniferPsychiatrist and case study in a six-year limbo

About the Author

Mira Kirshenbaum is the internationally bestselling author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and a pioneering psychotherapist specializing in relationship dynamics and decision-making. As clinical director and co-founder of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, she draws from over 25 years of experience counseling couples and individuals, with her work deeply rooted in feminist therapy and family systems.

Her expertise extends to other acclaimed books like Parent-Teen Breakthrough and The Weekend Marriage, which tackle communication and life transitions.

Kirshenbaum's media prominence includes frequent appearances on the Today Show, CNN, and interviews with Oprah Winfrey, bolstering her reputation in self-help and psychology. Her practical frameworks for resolving relational conflicts, such as the "1-2-3 method" for constructive arguments, reflect her focus on actionable solutions. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay has been translated into over 20 languages, solidifying its status as a globally trusted resource for relationship evaluation.

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"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

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@Jaded_Falcon

201

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@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

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Chapter 4

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

OverviewOverview of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

One book. Many ways to hear it.

When Love Hangs in the Balance

The Ambivalence Trap

See every word as you hear it

The Diagnostic Approach: Finding Your Answer

When Relationships Lose Their Life Force

Get more out of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Power Struggles and Relationship Poison

When Communication Breaks Down

See every word as you hear it

Trust, Truth and Genuine Connection

The Physical Connection

Get more out of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Dealing with Unchangeable Problems

Finding Your Bottom Line

See every word as you hear it

The Ultimate Test of Love

You made it to the end of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Key Themes in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Quotes from Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Characters in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

About the Author

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1,000,000+ curious minds.

1,000,000+ curious minds.

One book. Many ways to hear it.

When Love Hangs in the Balance

The Ambivalence Trap

See every word as you hear it

The Diagnostic Approach: Finding Your Answer

When Relationships Lose Their Life Force

Get more out of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Power Struggles and Relationship Poison

When Communication Breaks Down

See every word as you hear it

Trust, Truth and Genuine Connection

The Physical Connection

Get more out of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Dealing with Unchangeable Problems

Finding Your Bottom Line

See every word as you hear it

The Ultimate Test of Love

You made it to the end of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Users also liked

Discover more

Overview of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay