Chapter 4
Beyond Likability: The Currency of Respect
Likability isn't the goal in your professional journey-respect is what matters. I spent years trying to be accepted, building friendships with coworkers rather than focusing on earning respect from decision makers. While I hosted gatherings and tried to be popular, my colleagues who knew how to play the game advanced to the C-suite.
There's a crucial distinction between being liked and respected, with women often forced to choose between the two. Being liked provides social capital-you're seen as kind and approachable. Respect requires setting boundaries and clear intentions as a leader. Women leaders are four times more likely than men to be seen as collaborative, yet we're expected to be both "likeable" and "perfect." This double standard leads to overcommunication and justifying decisions with passive language, making us vulnerable to manipulation.
My first venture into real estate investing taught me a painful lesson about likability versus respect. I partnered with a couple who were pastors, feeling an instant connection after meeting their family. We signed a basic agreement I found online for a prime property in North Carolina. When communication became scarce, I discovered they had secretly closed on the property without me. When confronted, they denied owing me anything. In court, they arrived in clergy robes, claimed they thought I wanted their autograph, and won the case. Walking out, they laughed as they removed their robes-they'd made half a million dollars while I received nothing.
People often get caught in the trap of seeking approval at the expense of their value. Women particularly get stuck in middle management because they're uncertain about what to expect at higher levels, which have historically had negative reputations-think of "The Devil Wears Prada" stereotype of female leaders as unapproachable and shrewd.
To build genuine respect in professional settings, establish clear boundaries in three key areas. First, maintain a standard for how you are addressed. When male colleagues called me "babe," "honey," and "sweetie" at a business meeting, I immediately clarified: "My name is not babe, honey, or sweetie. My name is Carol." Allowing terms of endearment shifts priority from respect to likability.
Second, prioritize productivity at work. While relationships matter, every task should have measurable value. Decision-makers notice your daily effectiveness when considering promotions. Create a list of deliverables and intentions 24 hours in advance; prioritize emails first thing in the morning; use lunch for relationship-building with gatekeepers rather than gossip with colleagues.
Third, reclaim your time. I'm meticulous about using every minute productively. For noon meetings, I expect participants to arrive before noon so we can exchange pleasantries before starting business exactly at the scheduled time. When I say I have four minutes, I'm leaving in exactly four minutes. When people understand your boundaries, they respect your time.
Chapter 5
Activating Your Alter Ego: Your Secret Weapon for Confidence
The highest performing professionals create mental separation from their insecurities by adopting alter egos that allow them to perform confidently. This "self-distancing" allows you to view situations less emotionally and focus on the bigger picture. Your alter ego stands upright, knows her value, and is ready to prove doubters wrong.
Creating an alter ego allows professionals to separate themselves from judgment and fear, giving them courage to speak with clarity when needed. Many celebrities use this concept as a "manufactured identity" that shields them from criticism while displaying confidence. Whether through theme music, meditation, or power poses, finding your way to access this confident persona is crucial.
In 2015, I witnessed the power of an alter ego firsthand. During an event where I was speaking, technical difficulties caused another speaker to have a meltdown. My alter ego helped me remain poised despite the same challenges. Leadership doesn't give second chances-an alter ego helps separate from problems and act dispassionately, a sign of C-suite worthiness.
An alter ego serves multiple purposes: acting as a defense mechanism, deterring self-limiting language, preventing overreaction to criticism, providing encouragement like a good friend, helping detach from past patterns and fears, enabling realistic performance assessment with less bias, and guarding against panic in uncertain situations.
Creating an effective alter ego requires four key steps. First, know your goals. I knew I wanted to work with high-achieving women, so I focused on speaking engagements and networking to build my company faster than those relying solely on social media. Create an "interaction plan"-a list of people to connect with while your alter ego is present-to generate referrals aligned with your goals.
Second, mirror the image of success. Your alter ego needs a visual component that reflects your professional aspirations. I transitioned from law firm attire (dark colors, conservative cuts) to brighter business attire that mirrored my new audience. Study people you admire-their appearance, mannerisms, even how they walk-to develop an unquestionably confident presence.
Third, build a personality profile for your alter ego. I developed a stern, straight-shooting persona to be taken seriously in real estate, despite lacking background experience. I prepared by reading extensively, shadowing mentors, and developing language skills that helped me bridge gaps. Leaders need dual personalities-one for decision-makers and another for building trust with their team.
Finally, walk the walk. Even when you don't feel confident, your alter ego must project it. I admit to sometimes "pretending" while building my company, recognizing that career growth depends on relationships and impressions. When your purpose exceeds your struggles, you can separate emotions from your work and "walk the walk" regardless of circumstances.
Chapter 6
Breaking Free from the "Nice Girl" Stereotype
Women face persistent stereotyping around the concept of being "nice." We constantly replay our actions to ensure we were nice to everyone, from mailroom staff to CEOs. This conditioning leads many women to settle for less challenging professional paths where being "nice" is expected.
"Nice women"-including many of my family and friends-often struggle financially, getting passed over for promotions while lowering their expectations to accommodate passive behavior. With women making up only 7.4% of Fortune 500 CEOs in 2020, these stereotypes continue to move the goalpost away from the C-suite.
Women avoid negotiation because media portrays it as adversarial and emotional, when preparation is what matters most. "Nice girls never get the corner office" because they don't ask for it. Being nice becomes equated with being passive and a "free team player" rather than a valued team member.
The "pink perception" associates femininity with limited intellect, leading to women being marginalized from high-growth opportunities. When I used pink in my company's branding, it resulted in lowball offers until a branding agent helped me understand that pink was undermining my credibility.
Women typically start survival-level businesses with high overhead and low profit margins (salons, coaching, small law firms), while men create scalable, high-profit ventures like Facebook and Tesla. Similarly, women gravitate toward "pink perception" careers like teaching, nursing, and HR-respected but traditionally female-dominated and underpaid fields.
Nice girls don't ask for much. I've observed numerous signs of insecurity that perpetuate the "nice girl" stereotype: difficulty saying no, using smiling to avoid conflict, overcommitting time, prioritizing others over personal ambition, avoiding negotiation, taking criticism personally, fearing aggressive labels, frequent apologizing, avoiding difficult conversations, seeking universal approval, overthinking decisions, fearing job changes, perfectionism, appearance obsession, using childlike voices with leaders, craving validation, and staying silent in meetings.
Everyone has a breaking point. When Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV award acceptance, it exemplified how women are silenced and expected to remain polite. Interruption is "nearly a universal experience for women when outnumbered by men" and occurs between senior and junior women too.
To overcome this hurdle: Speak to management about implementing inclusive meeting policies; Finish your point when interrupted; Stand up when speaking to redirect focus; Don't use apologetic language or backpedal; Become an ally to other interrupted women; Join Toastmasters to improve public speaking skills; and Stop overpracticing, as excessive preparation can increase doubt and fear.
Chapter 7
Responding vs. Reacting: The Art of Professional Communication
The difference between reaction and response can make or break your career. Emotions involve three components: subjective experience (personal and unique to each individual), physiological response (fight-or-flight reactions like trembling or sweating), and behavioral response (how we express emotions and interpret others' cues).
Emotions impact workplace performance through effects like stress, limited concentration, and inability to express thoughts clearly. Women are naturally more emotional than male colleagues, but this can impact productivity and performance. High-level leaders understand the power of effective response and avoid reactive communication.
Reactive communication often stems from negative energy exchanges. When I first revealed my face online after years of hiding behind stock photos, I received 500 comments-460 positive and 40 negative. Rather than appreciating the positive feedback, I focused on responding defensively to the negative ones. Reactive people may appear strong but are actually being passive, as reactions stem from emotional triggers and are perceived as signs of weakness.
To become less reactive: Recognize your triggers by documenting what causes impulsive reactions; Make a plan to minimize or avoid triggers while practicing effective responses; Pause before responding to allow time for emotional regulation; and Think long-term about career goals and the value of maintaining professional relationships. Avoid aggressive communication starters like "Per my last email" or "As I stated earlier" which can be perceived as patronizing or insubordinate.
I once discussed diversity with Sheryl Sandberg about "The State of Black Women in Corporate America" report. When I posted about this achievement in a Facebook group, a man attempted to derail my accomplishment by bringing up unrelated political concerns about Facebook. I demonstrated professionalism by taking time to craft direct, germane responses that maintained my professional stance, avoiding the bait that was clearly meant to provoke an emotional reaction.
For effective responses: Don't rush-timing separates reactions from responses; Remain germane-stay on topic rather than bringing in emotional history; Avoid passiveness-be direct rather than apologetic or minimizing; and Learn to use silence-recognize when no response is the most powerful response.
Effective communication is like chess rather than checkers-requiring strategy, patience, and thoughtful moves. Silence is a powerful tool that demonstrates strength and focus. Working silently toward goals without announcing every move prevents others from predicting or undermining your strategy.
Before making decisions, conduct a cost-benefit analysis rather than reacting impulsively. Taking time to consider whether the cost of saying yes outweighs the benefits helps avoid hasty, passive decisions that can lead to dead-end opportunities.
Chapter 8
Sorry Not Sorry: Eliminating Unnecessary Apologies
Apologizing unnecessarily communicates fears and insecurities to decision makers, ultimately extending women's journey to the C-suite. During a snowstorm in New York City, I stayed late at work waiting for updates about delayed trains. A founding partner of my firm, who had never spoken to me before, noticed me still at the office. After helping him by setting up a conference room with food during the emergency, I left to catch my train home without telling him. The next morning, he confronted me for leaving without notice, prompting me to apologize unnecessarily despite having done him a favor beyond my job description.
Research by Karina Schumann at the University of Pittsburgh reveals women apologize more frequently not because men resist admitting wrongdoing, but because women have a lower threshold for what warrants an apology. Women tend to be more concerned with others' emotional experiences and maintaining relationship harmony. This apologetic behavior extends beyond verbal communication into written correspondence, with many women including multiple unnecessary apologies in simple emails.
To overcome the impulse to apologize, awareness is crucial. I recommend Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), also called tapping, as an effective method to control apologetic impulses. EFT helped me overcome issues with my "wealth consciousness" when I would impulsively discount my services. Despite initial skepticism, I now use tapping whenever I feel my confidence frequency running low, reminding myself of my worth and the abundance surrounding me.
By tapping meridian points on the body while stating positive intentions like "I will not apologize today" or "I deserve a seat at the table," you can shift energy and break the apologizing habit. Be patient with yourself in breaking this difficult habit, celebrating even small wins.
Replace apologies with gratitude statements, transforming "I'm sorry" into phrases like "Thanks for waiting on me" or "Thank you for bringing that to my attention." Instead of apologizing when entering a meeting late, say "Thanks for waiting on me." Rather than apologizing when requesting a raise, express gratitude for the meeting time. For declining invitations, thank the person for thinking of you while stating your unavailability.
Chapter 9
The Power of Direct Communication: No Explanation Required
Mastering grammatical prepositions can transform communication from passive to powerful. My eighth-grade English teacher, Dr. Kumar, taught that "anything after the preposition is an option"-a lesson I initially dismissed but now recognize as crucial for professional advancement. When used passively, prepositional phrases impede success; when used powerfully, they create value-adding conversations with decision-makers.
"Because" is a trigger word that splits decisions from explanations. Prepositions can trap you into connecting decisions to excuses. Words like "because," "as long as," "until I," "I think so," and "except for" make you susceptible to being talked into unwanted tasks. Offering unnecessary explanations provides information that could be used to redirect your decision. Simply saying "Unfortunately, I cannot come in this weekend" is more effective than adding "because I promised the kids to take them out for ice cream."
Direct statements aren't rude but demonstrate confidence and leadership. Lengthy explanations with prepositions like "I'm so sorry I did not email you back yesterday because we had to leave early due to the inclement weather" are unnecessary and weaken communication.
When used strategically, prepositions can strengthen negotiation conversations. Use prepositional phrases to substantiate your value, creating what I call an "Increase Your Ask" approach. For example: "I want to discuss your consideration of a raise because I have increased the value of the sales department within this company by over 200 percent over the last three years as a team lead." This structure starts with the ask, transitions with "because," and ends with substantiating evidence.
Successful professionals master micro conversations, limiting interactions and remaining mindful of time. After a car accident, I called my office manager with a lengthy explanation, only to be asked directly if I was coming to work or not-teaching me to get to the point.
Overexplaining reveals weaknesses. While everyone has personal challenges, sharing them in professional settings negates decisiveness and creates boundary issues. When I quit a traumatic job at a medical malpractice firm, keeping my resignation brief and refusing to explain my decision proved empowering.
The 8-Minute Rule emerged from my experience in venture capital pitch meetings, where entrepreneurs had precisely eight minutes to introduce themselves, demonstrate their product, request investment, and justify valuation. I observed women consistently spending too much time on personal introductions rather than showcasing their products. Treat all professional interactions like these eight-minute pitches-structured, purposeful, and pointed.
For effective eight-minute conversations: spend the first two minutes focusing on intention and takeaways, the next two presenting evidence, the following two on personal qualifications, and the final two on the specific request or desired outcome. Decision-makers value those who respect time constraints. Women tend toward emotional storytelling while men typically focus on facts.
Begin every conversation with your value proposition. Skip pleasantries and immediately state what benefit you're offering. Back up your opening statement with concrete evidence. After establishing value, briefly showcase your credentials. The most challenging part is directly asking for what you want-not what feels comfortable. Don't think about humility; ask big and never in layers.
The No Explanation Required lifestyle is achievable, but you must never wait for an invitation to speak up. Once I learned that communication was the only barrier between middle management and the C-suite, I directed more attention to holding myself accountable and communicating with authority. With practice, you'll simplify explanations, become less reactive and apologetic, and communicate with clarity, effectiveness, directness, and compassion.
