Chapter 4
Breaking the "Nice Girl" Habits: Behavior Patterns That Undermine Success
Success comes from knowing your role and playing it well. Many women unconsciously engage in stereotypically feminine behaviors that make them appear less competent than they actually are.
One of the most damaging patterns is the constant desire to be liked. There's a crucial difference between being liked and being respected. Carol Frohlinger teaches us to distinguish between transactional relationships (one-time interactions) and personal relationships (long-term connections). While the little girl inside all of us wants to be liked, we can't let this overshadow our rational adult side. Being liked is necessary for success, but not sufficient.
Women also tend to apologize excessively, even for small mistakes or circumstances beyond their control. This undermines confidence and how others perceive you. A more effective approach is to remain diplomatic without accepting blame, as one coaching client did when her boss missed an email: "I forwarded the email immediately. If you'd like me to check that you've received information in the future, I'd be happy to do that." This response left her feeling powerful while diplomatically indicating that he should read his mail more carefully.
Another common pitfall is minimizing achievements. When complimented, many women respond with "It was nothing" or "I just got lucky," eventually undervaluing their own accomplishments. Learning to simply say "Thank you, I'm pleased with it too" or "I'm proud of what I accomplished and grateful for the help I received" acknowledges success without seeming arrogant.
Women often share too much personal information too quickly, which can work against them. One employee who cried during criticism and told her boss about her dying mother and unemployed husband was subsequently seen as less stress-resistant, causing important projects to be assigned to others. Share enough to appear human, but follow the rule: better too little than too much.
Helping others excessively is another trap. Women tend to help to the point where they're seen as tools rather than leaders. Research shows women gain knowledge and confidence by helping others because they learn early that external approval is important for their sense of self-worth. This explains why so many women choose helping professions. As managers, however, they may struggle with the transition from "doer" to "leader." Distinguish between genuine helping (providing support and information so others can do it themselves) and being used (when you work harder than others).
Chapter 5
Thinking Like a Leader: Mental Shifts for Professional Growth
How you think about your work is essential to stopping self-sabotaging behavior. Many women hold superstitious ideas about what's needed to gain respect, such as working harder than others or keeping opinions to themselves. These thoughts stem from parental teachings or were useful early in their careers but are now irrelevant.
One critical shift is moving from employee thinking to partnership thinking. The modern workplace doesn't want employees who just do their assigned tasks-it needs partners who help achieve broader goals. Women often have their hands so full with typical "women's work" that they have no time to think more broadly and strategically. Effective strategies include offering to take on tasks that reduce your boss's workload while you learn something new, understanding how your role fits into the bigger picture, reading industry publications, and constantly thinking about ways to improve operations.
Another mental trap is believing in the myth of work-life balance. For those aiming for the top, there's no perfect balance. The new concept is "life-work integration"-fitting one into the other. Women can have it all, but not all at once, and are often forced into nearly impossible choices. We make it harder on ourselves by striving for perfection, rarely asking for help, having unrealistic expectations, feeling guilty, not negotiating, working too hard, and excessive multitasking. Better approaches include letting go of guilt, focusing on quality rather than quantity, and being fully present in whatever you're doing at the moment.
Women often take pride in working miracles-doing more with less, meeting impossible deadlines, or "squeezing water from a stone." They think others will recognize and appreciate their effort, not realizing they're constantly raising the bar as people come to see their extraordinary performance as normal. While women work themselves to exhaustion, men position themselves on projects with higher visibility and thus receive more recognition. The solution? Manage expectations, create realistic schedules, and ask for help or negotiate deadlines.
Another mental shift involves understanding that project responsibility doesn't mean doing everything yourself but ensuring it gets done. Unlike women, men immediately start delegating when given a new project. By delegating tasks, you demonstrate management ability and gain more appreciation. One woman who became responsible for a charity project felt overwhelmed until she realized she could involve others and use their ideas, energy, and resources. Plan before you start, maintain your network, don't reinvent the wheel, and learn to delegate-even if you don't have direct reports.
Chapter 6
Personal Branding: Marketing Yourself for Success
Like strong brand names such as Coca-Cola and Nike, you must market yourself as a brand. A successful brand requires both consistent quality and effective marketing. Dr. Bruce Heller, director of Strategic Leadership Solutions, advises people to see themselves as products that need to be marketed. Your workplace is your market, and you are the product. One of his favorite sayings is: "Out of sight, out of mind, out of the market"-an important message for women who have learned to be inconspicuous.
Defining your brand means promising a certain quality and clearly communicating your values, personality, and capabilities. Without a clearly defined brand, you can't successfully market yourself. You should be able to sell yourself in five minutes by enthusiastically presenting your role and achievements you're proud of. This isn't boasting but an enthusiastic, truthful presentation of your function and accomplishments.
Women often downplay their jobs with statements like "I just manage a law office" or "I'm only an administrative assistant." This conveys shame and lack of pride. Every job in every organization is necessary-you wouldn't have your job if it wasn't needed. Be proud of what you do, regardless of what it is, and let others see and hear that pride.
Many women stay invisible, working as "busy bees" who ensure everything runs smoothly but don't put themselves in the spotlight. In team exercises, women rarely volunteer to give presentations, even if they did the preparatory work. Make yourself visible by volunteering to chair meetings, giving presentations about your work, writing articles, volunteering to speak with senior management, and expressing your ideas in meetings.
Women also frequently give away their ideas without clearly indicating they originated them, fearing they'll appear selfish or confrontational. Every time you give away an idea, you lose self-respect. Ensure you're heard by asking a question after launching an idea, speaking in a loud voice, acknowledging when someone repeats your idea, and writing down your ideas. Ideas have market value-if you sell enough, you collect imaginary chips you can cash in later.
Social media has become essential for personal branding. There should be nothing on your social media that could be detrimental to your reputation or brand. Once something is on the internet, it's there forever. Digital pitfalls include not completing your profile, using multiple names, not linking your profiles, using standard texts to connect with others, and thinking only about self-promotion. Be friendly and helpful, build your own website, post quality content that can be found, and choose your connections carefully.
Chapter 7
The Power of Communication: How You Sound Matters
The best ideas disappear if not communicated credibly. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian's 7%-38%-55% rule, only 7% of your credibility comes from what you say, 38% from how you sound, and 55% from your appearance. These factors contribute to your "gravitas," which Sylvia Ann Hewlett describes as "an elegant packaging that captures attention and makes an impression."
The most common mistake women make is formulating statements as questions to avoid appearing too direct. This gives the impression you're uncertain or don't stand behind your ideas. A woman in a high position was seen as intimidating because her questions were actually disguised orders. When you phrase your opinion as a question, your proposals are often ignored. Instead, make statements, present ideas in declarative form, and ask for opinions after your proposal without appearing uncertain.
Women often use preambles-cocktails of words that dilute their message. They do this to appear less direct, but it weakens their impact. Instead of a long introduction with unnecessary context, start with your conclusion. Organize your thoughts before speaking by asking yourself: "What is my main topic?" and "What are the two or three points that really need to come across?" Remember: brevity signals confidence. Practice important messages until you can convey them in minimal words.
Another communication issue is explaining too much. After the preamble often comes a lengthy explanation that undermines your point. Women do this to appear softer, out of fear of not being thorough enough, because they aren't heard, or to compensate for uncertainty. Cut your explanation to half or a quarter. After making your point, make at most two or three remarks and then stop. Resist the voice saying "not finished yet"-what you see as incomplete is fine for others. Less is more.
Women also tend to speak too quickly out of fear they're taking up too much time or will be interrupted. By taking time for your message, you make it clear you're worth listening to. Speaking too quickly reduces your credibility and can make it seem like your message isn't important or that you're careless. Practice speaking more slowly, ask a colleague to signal when you're speaking too fast, and tell yourself you're worth taking all the time needed for your story.
Chapter 8
Professional Presence: The Visual Impact of Success
Appearance plays a crucial role in professional success. It's not the best and brightest who get promotions, but those who look and sound like professionals. Competence is merely a prerequisite. Your credibility is determined 55% by how you look, 38% by how you sound, and only 7% by what you say. Many women resist the idea that they're judged on appearance, but if you don't look like a professional, people won't see your competence-no matter how smart you are.
How you occupy space shows whether you're confident and feel entitled to be somewhere. The more space you take up, the more confident you appear. Men use both armrests on airplanes while women keep their elbows tucked in. In elevators, women often press themselves into a corner. During presentations, women frequently stand in one spot without moving or gesturing, making them appear submissive, cautious, and timid.
Many women have never learned to gesture effectively because they were always taught to sit nicely with hands in their lap. Good gestures support your message and convey authority without losing femininity. Christine Lagarde is a good example, while Hillary Clinton often appears tense with her predictable "axe gesture." Effective gestures flow from your message and energy, taking up space and "breaking through" your silhouette by moving your arms to the sides as well.
Women often tilt their heads, which softens their message and creates an uncertain impression during direct communication. Women do this much more frequently than men. It's useful when listening or encouraging, but not when you want to be taken seriously. On serious television programs, you rarely see tilted heads. Use this posture consciously: when listening or showing empathy, not when conveying important messages.
Eye contact is another critical element. Avoiding eye contact can indicate discomfort, uncertainty, or even deception. The eyes are the window to the soul-you must allow others to see your honesty, confidence, and knowledge. Good interviewers master the art of eye contact perfectly, especially during difficult questions. They use it to gauge what others are thinking. Look at confident female film characters to learn how they use their eyes. Make eye contact during greetings to establish yourself as an equal.
Chapter 9
Responding Effectively: Managing Reactions in Professional Settings
This final area addresses reactive behaviors that undermine credibility. Many women have learned to respond pleasantly and compliantly, even when treated inappropriately. They haven't learned to defend themselves or express anger when treated disrespectfully. Unlearning these patterns represents a major step toward an independent life.
Women often internalize messages from their parents throughout their lives, both explicit statements and implicit expectations. These influence their self-confidence and self-image, potentially becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. Claudia's greatest strengths were learned in response to childhood expectations, but what was once positive (showing initiative, taking teammates under her wing, tackling problems) was later seen as meddling, controlling, and selfish. The goal of coaching isn't to completely unlearn behaviors but to become aware of alternatives and choose situationally.
Women frequently underestimate their own knowledge and overestimate that of others. Betty, an experienced organizational consultant, allowed herself to be convinced by a client to organize a team-building session when her professional assessment was that the team needed conflict resolution. The result was catastrophic-the conflict remained unresolved and the team felt their time was wasted. Unlike men, women admit when they don't know something, but don't trust themselves when they do have expertise. Men can sell nonsense with more conviction than women ever muster, and the worst part is that we believe them.
Women are often asked to perform supportive tasks such as taking notes, making coffee, or making copies. By accepting these tasks, we confirm the stereotypical image that women must nurture. The advice is simple: "Don't do it." Effective responses include suggesting rotating tasks, neutrally refusing by saying you did it last time, or proposing that the last person to arrive performs these tasks. However, weigh your options-if your job is at stake, sometimes you must be pragmatic.
When facing inappropriate behavior, women often formulate their complaints too understandingly, too euphemistically, and too vaguely. Debra waited two and a half months for a computer she needed for her work, and finally wrote an overly friendly request. A more effective approach follows the BLLC model: describe the problem, explain why it's a problem, show what you want to happen, and attach consequences. Use I-messages instead of you-messages to solve problems without directly accusing.
Women also tend to be too patient. While impatience in men is seen as a virtue (a sign of ambition), in women it's interpreted negatively. Kyoko waited patiently for a promised promotion, but when her boss was transferred, his successor knew nothing of the promise. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease"-so ask for what you want. If someone says you should be more patient, ask when you can bring up the subject again, and try to move that moment forward.
Chapter 10
From Self-Awareness to Action: Your Path to the Corner Office
Transforming from a nice girl to a successful woman doesn't happen overnight. It requires deliberate practice, patience, and a strategic approach to personal development. While the journey may feel challenging, understanding that growth follows the pattern of two steps forward, one step back helps maintain perspective. Eventually, new behaviors become second nature, just as your current patterns once did.
The most effective approach is to focus on three to five key actions that will make the biggest difference, rather than attempting too many changes simultaneously. As Julie Anthony, former Wimbledon winner, advises: focus on one thing and the rest will follow naturally. This might mean first tackling your communication style in meetings, then moving on to negotiation skills, and finally addressing your approach to networking.
Start by identifying your specific self-sabotaging behaviors through careful self-observation and feedback from trusted colleagues. Common patterns include: apologizing unnecessarily for routine matters, using minimizing language like "just" and "maybe," avoiding office politics entirely rather than learning to navigate them strategically, taking on excessive work without delegation, or waiting to be recognized rather than actively pursuing opportunities. Document these behaviors for a week to understand their frequency and impact.
Create a personal development plan with specific, measurable goals and timelines. For example, instead of "speak up more in meetings," set a goal to "contribute at least two substantive comments in every team meeting for the next month." Track your progress and adjust your approach based on results. Consider working with a mentor or coach who can provide objective feedback and accountability.
Remember that the opposite of a nice girl isn't a mean woman-it's a successful woman who maintains positive relationships while achieving her goals. A nice girl behaves as she does because she wants others to like her, while a successful woman behaves strategically because she wants to achieve specific outcomes. She understands office dynamics, builds strategic alliances, and leverages her emotional intelligence to navigate complex situations.
The initial discomfort of changing ingrained behaviors is normal and expected. You might feel anxious when speaking up more assertively or guilty when saying no to additional work. Resistance to change manifests in many ways: self-doubt, fear of others' reactions, or concern about damaging relationships. Counter these feelings by celebrating small wins and reminding yourself of your larger career goals.
Develop specific strategies for common challenges. When faced with interruptions, use phrases like "I'd like to finish my point." When asked to take on additional work, respond with "Let me check my current commitments and get back to you." Practice these responses until they become automatic.
By recognizing and systematically addressing these self-sabotaging patterns, you're not just changing behaviors-you're claiming your rightful place at the table. The corner office awaits those willing to make the journey from nice girl to successful woman, armed with both competence and confidence. The question isn't just whether you're ready to take that first step, but whether you're prepared to commit to the ongoing journey of professional transformation.
