22:50 Lena: I think one of the things that strikes me about all of this is how much it comes down to creating emotional safety in the relationship. Like, if both people feel safe, they're much less likely to get defensive or attack each other.
23:06 Miles: That's such an insightful observation, Lena. Emotional safety is really the foundation that makes all these techniques possible. When people feel emotionally safe, they can be vulnerable. When they feel threatened, they go into protection mode.
23:20 Lena: So how do you build that sense of emotional safety, especially if trust has been damaged by previous arguments or conflicts?
23:28 Miles: It starts with small, consistent actions that demonstrate you're trustworthy with your partner's emotions. One powerful way to do this is by responding to what researchers call "bids for connection"—those small moments when your partner reaches out for attention, affection, or support.
23:44 Lena: Can you give us an example of what a bid for connection looks like?
3:06 Miles: Sure. It might be your partner saying, "Look at that beautiful sunset," or "I had such a frustrating day at work," or even just "Hey, come look at this funny video." These are invitations to connect, and how you respond matters enormously.
24:03 Lena: So if your partner points out the sunset and you just grunt or don't look up from your phone, you're essentially rejecting their bid for connection.
2:07 Miles: Exactly. But if you pause what you're doing and say, "Wow, that is beautiful," or "Tell me about your day," you're turning toward them instead of away. These micro-moments build trust and emotional safety over time.
24:24 Lena: I love that concept—turning toward instead of away. It seems like such a small thing, but I can see how it would add up over time.
12:49 Miles: It absolutely does. Gottman's research shows that couples who stay together respond positively to their partner's bids about 86% of the time, while couples who divorce respond positively only about 33% of the time.
24:47 Lena: Wow, that's a huge difference! So paying attention to those small moments is actually more important than how you handle the big conflicts.
24:56 Miles: Well, both matter, but you're right that the daily interactions create the foundation. When you have a strong foundation of positive interactions, you can weather the storms of conflict much better. It's like having an emotional bank account—you want to make regular deposits so you have something to draw on during difficult times.
25:13 Lena: That's a great metaphor. So what are some other ways to make deposits in that emotional bank account?
25:19 Miles: Appreciation is huge. Not just saying "thank you," but specifically acknowledging things your partner does. Instead of "Thanks for dinner," try "I really appreciate how you always make sure we eat together as a family, even when you've had a long day."
25:35 Lena: So you're not just thanking them for the action, you're acknowledging the intention and effort behind it.
2:07 Miles: Exactly. Another powerful deposit is what I call "protective responding." When your partner shares something vulnerable with you—a fear, an insecurity, a dream—how you respond in that moment determines whether they'll continue to be open with you.
25:56 Lena: What does protective responding look like?
25:59 Miles: It means treating their vulnerability as a gift, not an opportunity to give advice or fix them. If your partner says, "I'm worried I'm not good enough at my job," a protective response might be, "That sounds really stressful. Tell me more about what's making you feel that way."
26:16 Lena: Instead of jumping in with "Oh, you're great at your job, don't worry about it," which probably feels dismissive even though it's meant to be supportive.
7:31 Miles: Right! And here's another way to build emotional safety: taking responsibility for your part in conflicts without deflecting or making excuses. "I was stressed about work, but that's not an excuse for snapping at you. I'm sorry" goes a long way toward rebuilding trust.
26:41 Lena: It sounds like emotional safety is really about consistency—consistently showing up for each other, consistently being gentle with vulnerabilities, consistently taking responsibility.
26:53 Miles: That's beautifully put. And it's also about predictability in a positive way. Your partner knows that when they come to you with a problem, you're not going to attack them or shut them down. They can predict that you'll listen and try to understand.
27:08 Lena: What about when you've had a pattern of not responding well to bids for connection or being defensive in conflicts? Can you rebuild that emotional safety?
27:17 Miles: Absolutely, but it takes time and consistency. You have to acknowledge the pattern first: "I realize I've been dismissive when you try to share things with me, and I want to change that." Then you have to follow through with different behavior, repeatedly, until your partner can trust that the change is real.
27:34 Lena: So it's not enough to just say you're going to change—you have to demonstrate it over and over again.
2:07 Miles: Exactly. And patience is crucial because your partner might be skeptical at first. They've learned to protect themselves from being hurt, so it takes time for them to believe that it's safe to be vulnerable again.
