What is Hold On to Your Kids about?

Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté examines how children increasingly look to peers rather than parents for guidance, values, and identity—a phenomenon called "peer orientation." The book argues this shift undermines family cohesion and healthy development, making children overly conformist and alienated. Neufeld and Maté provide strategies to reclaim parental influence by strengthening attachment bonds and making the parent-child relationship the foundation of effective parenting.

Who are the authors of Hold On to Your Kids?

Hold On to Your Kids is co-authored by **Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.**, an international authority on child development, and **Gabor Maté, M.D.**, a bestselling author and physician. Neufeld has over 30 years of research and clinical experience in attachment theory and child psychology. Together, they combine insights from psychology, anthropology, neurology, and their personal parenting experiences to address the crisis of weakened parent-child connections in modern society.

Who should read Hold On to Your Kids?

Hold On to Your Kids is essential for parents of toddlers through teenagers who feel they're losing influence over their children. It's particularly valuable for parents considering homeschooling, those struggling with defiant behavior, or families noticing their children prioritize peer approval over family values. Beyond parents, educators, counselors, and anyone seeking to understand modern attachment challenges and cultural shifts in child development will gain valuable insights.

Is Hold On to Your Kids worth reading?

Hold On to Your Kids offers groundbreaking insights into attachment parenting and peer influence that many readers find transformative and eye-opening. Reviewers describe it as "the best parenting book" they've read, praising its ability to explain root causes of family disconnection. However, some readers find the book overly repetitive and recommend focusing on key chapters like 5 and 17. Despite pacing concerns, the core concepts about prioritizing connection over correction resonate deeply with most parents.

What is peer orientation in Hold On to Your Kids?

Peer orientation describes children's shift in attachment from parents to peers, making friends the primary source of values, identity, and behavioral codes. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté identify this as a fundamental threat to effective parenting and healthy child development. When children become peer-oriented, they become overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, prioritizing being "cool" over family values. The authors argue this cultural shift has occurred over the past 70 years, replacing traditional parent-child attachment structures.

What is the main message of Hold On to Your Kids?

The central message of Hold On to Your Kids is that **the parent-child relationship should be the highest priority** in parenting, with connection taking precedence over correction. Neufeld and Maté emphasize that effective parenting depends not on techniques or discipline strategies, but on who the parent is to the child. Children need strong attachment to parents to resist peer influence and mature properly. The book advocates for "reattaching" to children through consistent, multifaceted connections rather than pushing premature independence.

What is counterwill in Hold On to Your Kids?

Counterwill is an instinctive resistance to being controlled that manifests when children feel coerced or forced. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté explain that understanding counterwill helps parents navigate disobedience linked to peer influence and weakened attachment. When parents prioritize teaching lessons or discipline while upset, they trigger counterwill and risk damaging the relationship. Instead of fighting this natural resistance, parents should focus on strengthening connection first, which naturally reduces oppositional behavior and allows healthy guidance to occur.

How does Hold On to Your Kids define unconditional acceptance?

Hold On to Your Kids defines unconditional acceptance as conveying that **the child is more important than what they do**—the relationship matters more than conduct or achievement. This is most difficult yet most crucial when children disappoint us or violate our values. Neufeld and Maté warn against trying to "teach lessons" when upset, as this makes children anxious about the relationship. Unconditional acceptance means affirming values at their deepest level by declaring the child's inherent worth regardless of behavior, supporting connection rather than creating distance.

与孩子重建连结

# 为什么父母需要比同伴更重要在当今世界，我们看到了一种令人担忧的趋势：孩子们向同伴寻求指导、价值观和认同感，而不是向父母寻求。这种现象被称为**同伴导向**。 ## 为什么这很重要当同伴取代父母成为主要影响者时，会产生几个关键问题： 1. **失去权威**：父母失去了引导孩子度过人生挑战的能力。 2. **情感脆弱**：同伴往往缺乏提供真正情感安全所需的成熟度。 3. **文化传递中断**：价值观和传统不再从一代传给下一代。 ## 依恋的力量健康发展的核心是**依恋**。孩子们需要依恋那些负责养育他们的人。 * **垂直关系**：父母与孩子（导师与学习者）。 * **水平关系**：同伴与同伴（平等但往往缺乏经验）。 > “孩子无法由那些不负责养育他们的人来教养。” ## 父母可以做些什么为了重新确立您的重要性，请考虑以下策略： * **优先考虑联系**：每天花时间进行无干扰的互动。 * **建立仪式**：创造只有家庭成员参与的传统。 * **保持参与**：了解孩子的朋友，但要确保您的声音始终是最响亮的。欲了解更多信息，您可以阅读关于[依恋理论](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory)的研究。

戈登·纽费尔德

4.15(12783 Reviews)

《与孩子重建连结》概述

2004 年，纽费尔德（Neufeld）和马特（Mate）预言性地警告了同伴导向如何威胁童年——这比社交媒体出现早了数年。这本荣获国家育儿出版物金奖（National Parenting Gold Award）并得到玛丽·皮弗（Mary Pipher）博士认可的著作，提供了革命性的依恋洞察，随着数字时代的日益发展，这些见解变得愈发至关重要。

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第 1 章

The Attachment Crisis: How Peer Culture Is Replacing Parents

In a world where children increasingly look to peers rather than parents for guidance, acceptance, and values, "Hold On to Your Kids" delivers a profound wake-up call. This revolutionary book, beloved by celebrities like Goldie Hawn and praised by leading psychologists, identifies a silent epidemic that's fundamentally altering childhood development. When Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld first published their groundbreaking work in 2004, they struck a chord that continues to resonate with parents worldwide. The book has since been translated into over twenty languages and remains as relevant today as ever-perhaps even more so in our digitally-dominated era. What makes this work so powerful is its radical reframing of common parenting challenges: what if your child's difficult behavior isn't a discipline problem but a relationship problem?

第 2 章

When Children Orbit Around Peers Instead of Parents

The fundamental premise of "Hold On to Your Kids" is both simple and profound: for the first time in history, children are turning to their peers rather than parents for their sense of direction, values, identity, and codes of behavior. This "peer orientation" represents a seismic shift in human development that began after World War II and has accelerated dramatically in recent decades. Consider twelve-year-old Jeremy, hunched over his computer at 8 PM, ignoring homework to chat with friends about social dynamics-who likes whom, who's friends or enemies. When his father reminds him about schoolwork, Jeremy snaps, "Stop bugging me!" The interaction escalates into a shouting match ending with Jeremy slamming his door, leaving his father feeling helpless and confused. This scene plays out in countless homes today. Parents find themselves increasingly ineffective despite loving their children as much as ever. The problem isn't that parents have changed fundamentally, nor have children. What's changed is the context for parenting-specifically, the attachment relationship between parent and child. For parenting to work, children must be actively attaching to adults-wanting contact and closeness. This psychological umbilical cord is what allows parental guidance and love to get through. Without it, even the most skillful parenting techniques fall flat. The secret lies not in what parents do but in who they are to their children. When properly attached, parents become empowered as nurturers, guides, and teachers. The most damaging competing attachment undermining parental authority today is children's increasing bonding with peers. Nature never intended immature individuals to be placed in a parenting role, yet that's effectively what happens when children turn to each other for guidance instead of adults. This peer orientation has muted parenting instincts and eroded natural authority, forcing parents to parent from manuals rather than from the heart. Though peer orientation has become the norm in modern society, it is neither natural nor healthy. Until about the Second World War, adult orientation was the standard pattern in human development. Culture was traditionally handed down vertically from generation to generation. Today's children generate their own distinct culture transmitted horizontally within their peer group. Their music, dress, celebrations, and customs are dictated by peers rather than cultural heritage passed down by parents. The warning signs first appeared decades ago when researcher James Coleman discovered that for seven thousand young people studied in the 1960s, relationships with friends took priority over those with parents. Though initially dismissed as alarmist, this phenomenon has now become widespread. Parents often believe they should "let go" to foster independence, but the authors argue that fitting in with immature peer expectations doesn't create self-respecting adults. Children may know what they want, but they don't know what they need.

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第 3 章

How Attachment Works-And When It Goes Wrong

When fourteen-year-old Cynthia suddenly became rude, secretive, and hostile toward her parents while remaining charming with friends, her confused parents viewed it as a behavior problem requiring discipline. But the authors reframe this as a relationship problem-like a spouse having an affair. Cynthia's preoccupation with peers was competing with her attachment to family, creating what the authors call an "attachment affair." Attachment is the powerful force that creates proximity and connection-physically, behaviorally, emotionally, and psychologically. Like gravity, it normally operates without our awareness, orchestrating our instincts automatically. But when attachments break down, our instincts become skewed. Attachment creates a compass point in the person a child is attached to, preventing the child from feeling lost. Children fear nothing more than losing contact with this compass point. While parents should naturally serve as this orienting force, peer attachment subverts this natural order, causing children to revolve around each other rather than adults. Six progressive ways of attaching reveal how children connect: 1. Senses - Physical proximity through sight, sound, touch 2. Sameness - Imitating and identifying with attachment figures 3. Belonging and Loyalty - Possessively claiming attachment figures 4. Significance - Seeking to matter to someone 5. Feeling - Pursuing emotional intimacy 6. Being Known - Sharing oneself psychologically Healthy development integrates all six strands into a strong connection. Peer-oriented children typically remain limited to the most primitive, superficial modes, especially sameness, making their attachments desperate and intense. Given the central importance of attachment, whoever a child is most attached to will have the greatest impact on their life. Like a compass that cannot function with two magnetic North Poles, a child cannot simultaneously orient by peer values and parent values. The attachment brain must select one orienting influence; otherwise, emotions become confused and motivation paralyzed. The hostile behavior children direct toward parents when peer-oriented stems from attachment's bipolar nature. Like magnetism, human attachment has two poles-one attracts, the other repels. When a child pursues closeness with peers, they instinctively resist those perceived as competing attachments. This explains why children previously close to parents suddenly treat them with disdain when peer orientation takes hold.

第 4 章

Why We've Come Undone: The Cultural Breakdown

The cause of children transferring attachments from adults to peers isn't individual parental failure but an unprecedented cultural breakdown. Our society no longer serves children's developmental needs. Children have powerful genetic drives to attach but no innate preference for adults over peers. Historically, this wasn't problematic as natural order ensured bonding with adult caregivers until maturity. Today's children find themselves in "attachment voids"-situations lacking consistent, deep connections with nurturing adults. Economic changes since World War II have resulted in children being placed early in situations where they spend most of their day with other children rather than significant adults. This begins shortly after birth and accelerates as they grow older. Society generates economic pressure for both parents to work but makes little provision for children's emotional needs. Caregivers and educators rarely receive training about attachment, and day care remains underfunded with problematic child-to-caregiver ratios. Schools inadvertently promote peer orientation through large classes, limited teacher connection, and policies that keep children together without adult supervision. The nuclear family itself faces extreme pressure. Divorce creates both competing attachments and attachment voids for children. When parents separate, children can't maintain simultaneous closeness with both, especially when parents compete for their loyalty. Even intact families struggle with attachment. Economic pressures force both parents to work full-time, leaving less time and energy for connection. Our rapidly changing society has outpaced cultural evolution. Electronic transmission of culture has replaced intergenerational sharing of customs and traditions. Communication technology, designed to facilitate attachments, has been put into children's hands who use it to connect with peers instead of adults. The village of Rognes in Provence offers a striking contrast to North American society, demonstrating a culture that successfully preserves traditional attachments. Children and adults greet each other respectfully. Socializing involves whole families rather than age-segregated groups. Village activities unite rather than divide families. Even at the village fountain, teens mix with seniors. Cultural rituals take precedence over materialism, and schools maintain strong attachment customs.

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第 5 章

The Power to Parent Is Slipping Away

When seven-year-old Kirsten suddenly became resistant and difficult after entering second grade, her previously loving relationship with her parents deteriorated into battles, anger, and withdrawal. This illustrates how parenting, designed to be "power-assisted," becomes nearly impossible when that power fails. Many people today resist the concept of power, associating it with abuse or confusing it with force. However, parental power means the spontaneous authority that flows naturally from an appropriately aligned relationship with the child. This power arises without effort when things are in their natural order. The true source of parental power lies not in techniques but in the child's dependence. Children are naturally dependent, but the critical factor is whether they depend specifically on their parents or on others. Parents cannot effectively guide children who don't welcome their direction or who aren't leaning on them emotionally. Effective parenting requires three ingredients: a dependent child needing care, an adult willing to assume responsibility, and a working attachment from child to adult. The most critical and overlooked factor is the child's attachment to the parent. Many experts mistakenly assume parenting difficulties stem from lack of skills rather than attachment problems. When parenting becomes difficult, we often search for labels to explain our children's problems. Parents seek formal diagnoses or grasp at informal labels like "difficult" or "spirited" child. While these diagnoses remove blame from both parent and child, they camouflage the reversible attachment dynamics causing the misbehavior.

第 6 章

When Attachment Works Against Us

Attachment is what makes parenting possible, enabling us to tolerate the challenges of raising children. When attachment functions properly, parents can be effective even without formal "parenting skills." But when a child's attachments are misaligned, the same dynamics that should support parenting instead undermine parental authority. Attachment naturally arranges adults and children in a hierarchical order, with children in the dependent, care-seeking mode. When properly attached, children instinctively look up to parents, seek their guidance, and defer to them. Peer orientation subverts this natural hierarchy. Attachment not only prepares a child to be taken care of but also triggers caregiving instincts in adults. When children express desire to attach to us, it makes them sweeter and easier to parent. Without being primed by our children's attachment, we must rely solely on love and commitment, which for many parents isn't enough. Getting children to pay attention is fundamental to parenting, yet impossible to force. Attention naturally follows attachment-the stronger the attachment, the easier it is to secure a child's attention. When children become peer-oriented, their attention instinctively turns toward peers while adult communication registers as mere noise. A primary function of attachment is keeping children close to parents. Like an invisible leash, attachment programming allows parents freedom-instead of constantly monitoring children, we can trust their instincts to follow us. Peer orientation redirects this connection-seeking toward friends instead. Children don't automatically model themselves after parents or teachers-they only emulate those to whom they're strongly attached. This modeling happens naturally and effortlessly, providing "power-assisted learning" without conscious teaching or studying. When peers replace parents as attachment figures, they become the models instead. Perhaps the most significant benefit of attachment is instilling in children the desire to be good for their parents. This "attachment conscience" functions as an internal alarm warning against behaviors that might trigger parental disfavor. When peer orientation occurs, this conscience becomes recalibrated to serve peer relationships instead.

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第 7 章

The Flight from Feeling: Emotional Shutdown in Peer-Oriented Children

Walking through high school halls, one is struck by the eerie invulnerability displayed by teenagers-their posturing, gestures, and interactions bespeak a shallow but unassailable confidence. The ultimate ethic in peer culture is "cool"-complete absence of emotional openness. Yet humans are inherently vulnerable creatures. Children become emotionally hardened when vulnerability becomes too much to bear. While this defensive reaction is expected in traumatized children from orphanages or abusive homes, surprisingly, peer-oriented children without obvious trauma develop similar levels of defensiveness. Peer-oriented children lose their natural protection against emotional wounds. In a world filled with potential hurts-exclusion, disapproval, ridicule-attachment to parents normally serves as a shield. When a child uses parents as their compass point, the opinions of others matter less. Just as adult-oriented children are vulnerable to parents' words, peer-oriented children become hypersensitive to peer interactions. The problem is that children's natural interactions are rarely careful or considerate. When peers replace parents as attachment figures, this careless interaction takes on devastating power. When children are peer-oriented, any sign of vulnerability attracts attack from those already shut down emotionally. Children quickly learn to hide any signs of weakness, sensitivity, alarm, fear, eagerness, or curiosity. The vulnerability of peer-oriented children stems from the fundamentally insecure nature of peer relationships. Unlike parent-child bonds, peer attachments offer no unconditional acceptance, no maturity to lean on, no commitment to depend on. Children live with constant anxiety: "What if I don't connect with my peers? What if my friend likes someone else more than me?" The unbearable vulnerability experienced by peer-oriented kids explains their attraction to vulnerability-quelling drugs. These substances function as emotional painkillers, helping young people escape both their painful feelings and the benumbed state imposed by their defensive detachment.

第 8 章

Stuck in Immaturity: How Peer Orientation Arrests Development

When children fail to mature psychologically despite physical growth, they exhibit what the authors call the "preschooler syndrome"-behaviors appropriate only for very young children. Peer orientation is the main culprit behind this widespread immaturity, creating a society of "half-adults" who never truly grow up. Maturity involves the brain's ability to integrate different perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and impulses simultaneously without confusion-what the Romans called "temper." Immature individuals cannot tolerate mixed feelings, becoming impulsive, reactive, and untempered in their expressions. Maturation follows a consistent pattern: first differentiation (splitting things apart), then integration of the separated elements. This sequence applies across biological and psychological development. Psychologically, thoughts, feelings, impulses, and values must first become distinct before they can be mixed to produce tempered experience. Maturation cannot be commanded or taught-it's spontaneous but requires activation. Like plants needing roots before bearing fruit, children need secure attachment before becoming independent beings. Paradoxically, dependence fosters independence; attachment nurtures separation. Peer orientation impedes maturation in five critical ways: 1. Parental nurturance cannot get through when children are peer-oriented 2. Peer attachments, being insecure, cannot bring a child to rest 3. Peer-oriented children are unable to feel fulfilled 4. Peer-oriented children cannot let go of impossible attachment desires 5. Peer orientation crushes individuality Unlike individualism (putting one's rights above community), true individuality forms the foundation of authentic community. Emerging individuality requires protection, as it's tentative and vulnerable like a turtle sticking its head out. Children cannot provide this protection for each other. Instead, peer-oriented children actively trample budding individuality.

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第 9 章

Reclaiming Our Children: Practical Strategies for Parents

Having shown how peer orientation devastates our educational system and disconnects children from adult guidance, the authors turn to solutions. Parents and teachers must reassume their natural roles as mentors by deliberately collecting children-drawing them under our wing and making them want to belong with us. The first step in collecting children is to attract their attention positively-seeking eye contact, evoking smiles and nods. With infants this comes naturally, but as children age, we often only engage when something goes wrong. We must deliberately maintain warm connections beyond early childhood. To engage a child's attachment instincts, we must offer something they can hold onto emotionally. Our attention, interest, affection, warmth, and delight are powerful connection activators. Physical contact remains important-hugs and embraces warm children long after they're over. The third step in collecting children is inviting their dependence-conveying that they can trust us, count on us, and lean on us. Our cultural preoccupation with independence undermines this essential process. We readily invite infants' dependence but quickly push older children toward self-sufficiency, fearing regression. The fourth collecting step is orienting the child-serving as their compass point and guide. This begins naturally with infants as we name things and familiarize them with their environment. While we intuitively orient young children, we often lose this instinct with older ones, no longer introducing them to people, explaining what will happen, or interpreting meanings. When children are deeply peer-oriented, reclaiming them requires understanding that peer orientation functions like a cult. The challenge is winning back their hearts and minds, not just having their bodies under our roof. The key strategy involves creating an attachment void by separating the child from peers, then positioning ourselves in that void. The parent-child relationship is sacred and must be protected against the peer culture's influence. Our highest priority should be maintaining this connection, no matter what challenges arise. Children experience our priorities through our tone and behavior, not our intentions, so we must live these priorities consistently.

第 10 章

Discipline That Preserves Connection

Traditional behavioral approaches to discipline that focus on short-term compliance through punishment, time-outs, and "tough love" ultimately undermine the parent-child relationship. These methods create adversarial dynamics, trigger emotional hardening, and push children toward peer orientation. True discipline extends beyond punishment to encompass training, control, and imposing order in developmentally safe, attachment-friendly ways. Rather than formulaic strategies that insult both parent and child, effective discipline requires principles that awaken parental intuition. Seven principles guide natural discipline: 1. Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line 2. When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident 3. When things aren't working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson 4. Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior 5. Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior 6. When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity 7. When unable to change the child, try changing the child's world The final principle of natural discipline recognizes that the less a child needs discipline, the more effective any method will be. When reasonable attempts fail, we shouldn't discipline harder but differently-by changing the child's environment rather than trying to change the child directly.

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第 11 章

The Digital Challenge: Technology and Attachment in the Modern Age

Since the original publication of "Hold On to Your Kids," the digital revolution has dramatically transformed children's lives. Understanding this phenomenon requires grasping attachment theory, as our primary need is togetherness, not information. The technology designed for information has been repurposed for connection, particularly by peer-oriented youth. The digital revolution was built on a fundamental misunderstanding of human needs. While we assumed children would use digital devices for education or entertainment, humans primarily seek connection, not information. Technology originally designed for information sharing has been repurposed to serve attachment needs, but digital connection often provides only fleeting sensations rather than genuine intimacy. Digital social connections act like persistent weeds that crowd out healthy attachment plants in the garden. The problem is that digital intimacy doesn't deliver true fulfillment-it creates insatiable hunger rather than satisfaction. When attachment activity doesn't lead to fulfillment, development is arrested as children cannot find the emotional rest needed for growth. Digital intimacy fails for six key reasons: 1. Digital interaction doesn't convey the attachment invitation effectively 2. The defenses required for unprotected social interaction render it unfulfilling 3. Self-presentation works only one-on-one, not in group broadcasts 4. There's no satisfaction when manipulation is involved 5. There's no fulfillment unless the provision is greater than the pursuit 6. Digital intimacy spoils the appetite for what a child truly needs Digital technology isn't inherently evil, but its timing in children's lives is crucial. The right time for digital connection is after children are satiated by adult contact. When children are filled with meaningful connection from parents-through morning rituals, after-school check-ins, family meals, and bedtime routines-they become immunized against attachment addictions plaguing their peers. Parents must create digital-free zones in homes and schedules to nurture real connection. Mealtimes, family times, evenings, and bedtimes should remain screen-free. The goal isn't battling symptoms but addressing the root problem: fulfilling children's attachment hunger so digital cravings diminish.

第 12 章

Rebuilding the Attachment Village

Many adults recall childhoods where an "attachment village" existed-neighborhoods where people knew each other, local merchants were familiar faces, and extended family provided support. This invisible matrix of connections created a sense of rootedness where culture passed vertically from generation to generation. Today, these villages have largely vanished. We must cultivate relationships between our children and interested adults, creating customs that connect them to extended family. Genuine relationships, not mere biological connection, are what matter. Our socializing needs to change from peer-oriented (adults with adults, children with children) to hierarchical connections that span generations. In traditional villages, children's attachments developed through their parents' connections. Today, we often have little choice over adults like teachers who care for our children. The challenge becomes matchmaking-priming two people to form an attachment. Introductions are vital, giving our "attachment blessing" by being seen in friendly interaction with caregivers. We live in a world full of attachment competition. Schools, divorce, and remarriage all generate competing attachments that can disintegrate the attachment village and make children vulnerable to peer orientation. We must defuse this competition by turning either/or relationships into this-and-that relationships. The message of "Hold On to Your Kids" is ultimately one of hope. Despite the social and economic forces driving peer orientation, parents can prevent being prematurely replaced by restoring the natural foundation of the parent-child relationship. When relationships are solid, parents can act from understanding and empathy rather than relying on techniques or manuals. Nature is on our side-children inherently want to belong to their parents, even when their words or actions suggest otherwise. By understanding attachment and consciously working to strengthen these vital bonds, we can raise children who are not only connected to us but capable of genuine maturity and independence.

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《与孩子重建连结》核心主题

peer orientation
attachment theory
parental authority
childhood socialization
relational discipline

《与孩子重建连结》经典语录

What if your child's difficult behavior isn't a discipline problem but a relationship problem?
Children may know what they want, but they don't know what they need.
Peer orientation has muted parenting instincts and eroded natural authority.
Children fear nothing more than losing contact with this compass point.
Our society no longer serves children's developmental needs.

《与孩子重建连结》主要人物

Gordon NeufeldAuthor and psychologist specializing in attachment
Gabor MateCo-author and physician
JeremyTwelve-year-old boy used as a case study
CynthiaFourteen-year-old girl used as a case study
James ColemanResearcher who studied youth social dynamics

关于作者

Gordon Neufeld 博士是《Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers》（中文译名《受苦的孩子：为什么父母需要比同伴更重要》）的合著者，也是一位专注于儿童发展和依恋理论的顶尖发展心理学家。Neufeld 出生于 1946 年，现居不列颠哥伦比亚省温哥华市。他在处理儿童、青少年及家庭问题方面拥有超过 50 年的临床经验，并将其融入到关于亲子关系的开创性研究中。

他全面且基于依恋的发展方法建立在 John Bowlby 的先驱性工作之上，并包含了关于攻击性、反抗意志（counterwill）和霸凌行为的创新理论。

Neufeld 在不列颠哥伦比亚大学任教近 20 年，并创立了 Neufeld 研究所（Neufeld Institute）。这是一个全球性的慈善组织，为家长和专业人士提供在线课程及培训。

《Hold On to Your Kids》已被翻译成 16 种语言出版，并于 2013 年重新发行，增加了关于数字时代育儿的更新章节，巩固了其作为现代家庭必备指南的地位。

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This plan is essential for parents and caregivers seeking a science-backed approach to child-rearing. It bridges the gap between developmental psychology and practical daily parenting to ensure children thrive from infancy through adolescence.

5 h 47 m•4 章节

学习计划

Becoming a better parent

Parenting is one of life's most important roles, yet most of us receive no formal training for it. This learning plan provides evidence-based strategies grounded in child development research and psychology to help parents build stronger connections, handle challenges effectively, and raise emotionally healthy children. It's ideal for parents at any stage—from those with young children seeking a strong foundation to those navigating the turbulent teenage years.

4 h 37 m•4 章节

学习计划

Kids social media detox

As children spend increasing hours on social media, parents are witnessing concerning changes in their kids' mental health, sleep patterns, and social development. This learning plan is essential for parents who want to break the cycle of digital dependency and help their children reclaim childhood through meaningful offline experiences. It's particularly valuable for families struggling with screen time conflicts or noticing signs of social media's negative impact on their child's wellbeing.

3 h 49 m•4 章节

学习计划

Raise smart, kind, and creative kids

In an era of rapid change, raising well-rounded children requires a balance of emotional security and intellectual agility. This plan is essential for parents and educators seeking evidence-based methods to nurture empathy, innovation, and cognitive growth in the next generation.

5 h 16 m•4 章节

学习计划

Parenting

Parenting is one of life's most important yet challenging roles, and most of us receive little formal preparation for it. This learning plan provides evidence-based strategies and practical tools to help parents at any stage—from those with young children to those preparing for the teen years—build stronger relationships, communicate more effectively, and raise confident, resilient children who thrive emotionally and socially.

4 h 18 m•4 章节

学习计划

Heal my relationship with my kids

This plan is designed for parents seeking to move past reactive patterns and deep-seated conflicts to build a healthier bond with their children. It is ideal for those who want to combine self-reflection with practical attachment strategies to foster lifelong trust and connection.

6 h 11 m•4 章节

由哥伦比亚大学校友在旧金山创建

LOVED BY

1,000,000+ curious minds.

4.7

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1M+ learners

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

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@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

查看更多网络上关于 BeFreed 的讨论

由哥伦比亚大学校友在旧金山创建

LOVED BY

1,000,000+ curious minds.

4.7

avg rating

1M+ learners

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."

@Moemenn

"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."

@Chloe, Solo founder, LA

117

"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."

@Raaaaaachelw

"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."

@Matt, YC alum

108

"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."

@Erin, Investment Banking Associate , NYC

254

"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."

@djmikemoore

"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."

@Pitiful

4.5K

"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."

@SofiaP

"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"

@Jaded_Falcon

201

"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."

@OojasSalunke

"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."

@Leo, Law Student, UPenn

483

"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"

@Cashflowbubu

查看更多网络上关于 BeFreed 的讨论

开启你的学习之旅，就是现在

第 2 章

与孩子重建连结

概述《与孩子重建连结》概述

一本书，多种聆听方式。

The Attachment Crisis: How Peer Culture Is Replacing Parents

When Children Orbit Around Peers Instead of Parents

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

How Attachment Works-And When It Goes Wrong

Why We've Come Undone: The Cultural Breakdown

从 《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

The Power to Parent Is Slipping Away

When Attachment Works Against Us

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

The Flight from Feeling: Emotional Shutdown in Peer-Oriented Children

Stuck in Immaturity: How Peer Orientation Arrests Development

从 《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

Reclaiming Our Children: Practical Strategies for Parents

Discipline That Preserves Connection

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

The Digital Challenge: Technology and Attachment in the Modern Age

Rebuilding the Attachment Village

你已读完 《与孩子重建连结》

《与孩子重建连结》核心主题

《与孩子重建连结》经典语录

《与孩子重建连结》主要人物

关于作者

下载《与孩子重建连结》摘要

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关于本书的常见问题

What is Hold On to Your Kids about?

Who are the authors of Hold On to Your Kids?

Who should read Hold On to Your Kids?

Is Hold On to Your Kids worth reading?

该学习计划的一部分

Identity, Cohesion, and Parental Control

Kids social media detox

发现更多

1,000,000+ curious minds.

1,000,000+ curious minds.

一本书，多种聆听方式。

The Attachment Crisis: How Peer Culture Is Replacing Parents

When Children Orbit Around Peers Instead of Parents

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

How Attachment Works-And When It Goes Wrong

Why We've Come Undone: The Cultural Breakdown

从 《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

The Power to Parent Is Slipping Away

When Attachment Works Against Us

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

The Flight from Feeling: Emotional Shutdown in Peer-Oriented Children

Stuck in Immaturity: How Peer Orientation Arrests Development

从 《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

Reclaiming Our Children: Practical Strategies for Parents

Discipline That Preserves Connection

边听边看，每个词都清晰呈现

The Digital Challenge: Technology and Attachment in the Modern Age

Rebuilding the Attachment Village

你已读完 《与孩子重建连结》

用户还喜欢

该学习计划的一部分

Identity, Cohesion, and Parental Control

Kids social media detox

发现更多

《与孩子重建连结》概述

从《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

从《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

你已读完《与孩子重建连结》

从《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

从《与孩子重建连结》中收获更多

你已读完《与孩子重建连结》