20:34 Lena: Alright, so we've talked about the psychology and the theory, but let's get practical. For someone listening who's in the thick of heartbreak right now, what are the concrete steps they can take?
16:31 Miles: Great question. Let's start with the foundation—implementing true no contact. And I mean true no contact, not the manipulative version we talked about earlier.
20:56 Lena: What does that look like specifically?
20:57 Miles: No texting, calling, or social media messaging. Block or mute them on all platforms—and I mean all of them, including their friends' accounts if you find yourself stalking through those. Remove photos and mementos from daily view, and avoid places you're likely to encounter them.
21:12 Lena: That sounds harsh.
21:14 Miles: I know it does, but here's why it's crucial—every interaction with your ex, even just viewing their Instagram story, reactivates those dopamine reward circuits we talked about. It's like trying to quit smoking while taking a cigarette break every few days. Research suggests sixty to ninety days of strict no contact allows for neural reorganization.
21:33 Lena: What if you share children or have to work together?
21:36 Miles: Then you implement "structured contact"—communication limited strictly to necessary logistics, preferably in writing. Keep it brief, business-like, and don't engage in emotional conversations.
21:47 Lena: Okay, so no contact is step one. What's next?
21:51 Miles: Physical movement and routine. This isn't just about distraction—exercise directly influences the neurochemistry behind intense longing. It boosts dopamine and serotonin, reduces cortisol, and improves sleep quality. You don't need intense workouts—even a twenty-minute walk impacts mood considerably.
22:08 Lena: And I imagine routine helps when everything feels chaotic.
0:41 Miles: Exactly. Create structure in your day, especially around self-care basics—regular meals, consistent sleep schedule, daily hygiene routines. When you're heartbroken, it's easy to neglect these fundamentals, but maintaining them is crucial for emotional stability.
22:25 Lena: What about dealing with the obsessive thoughts?
22:28 Miles: This is where cognitive behavioral techniques come in handy. When you notice yourself ruminating, try the thought record technique—write down the specific thought, evidence supporting it, evidence contradicting it, and a more balanced alternative.
9:34 Lena: Can you give me an example?
9:36 Miles: Sure. Thought: "They were perfect for me." Evidence supporting: "We had great chemistry and shared interests." Evidence contradicting: "We fought constantly and wanted different futures." Balanced thought: "We had good moments, but also fundamental incompatibilities that made the relationship unsustainable."
22:57 Lena: That seems like it would help interrupt the fantasy thinking.
23:00 Miles: It does. And here's another technique—set a specific "worry time" each day, maybe fifteen minutes in the evening. When ruminating thoughts arise during the day, note them briefly and tell yourself, "I'll think about this during worry time." This prevents rumination from dominating your entire day.
23:15 Lena: What about the social aspect? A lot of people isolate after a breakup.
23:19 Miles: This is so important. While some alone time is healthy, complete isolation just feeds depression and rumination. Make an effort to maintain connections with friends and family, even when you don't feel like it. And consider joining new groups or activities where you can meet people who don't know your relationship history.
23:33 Lena: Speaking of new activities, how do you figure out what you actually want to do?
23:38 Miles: Start with curiosity rather than commitment. Try things for a few weeks without pressure to love them or excel at them. Maybe take a cooking class, join a hiking group, volunteer somewhere meaningful to you. The goal is exposure to new experiences that help you remember who you are outside of that relationship.
23:53 Lena: What about journaling? I feel like that comes up a lot in healing advice.
23:57 Miles: Journaling can be incredibly powerful, but there's a right way and wrong way to do it. The wrong way is just rehashing the same painful thoughts over and over. The right way is focusing on growth and meaning-making.
24:07 Lena: How do you do it the right way?
24:09 Miles: Write about what you're learning about yourself, how you're growing, and what you want for your future. Ask yourself questions like: "What patterns do I want to change in my next relationship?" or "What am I discovering about my own needs and boundaries?"
24:20 Lena: And when do you know you're ready to date again?
24:22 Miles: You're ready when you're attracted to someone for who they are, not just because you're ready to feel loved again. When you can think about your ex without feeling gut-punched. When you've rebuilt your individual identity and social life. When you're dating from abundance rather than scarcity.
24:35 Lena: That's a good test—am I dating from abundance or scarcity?
0:41 Miles: Exactly. And remember, healing isn't linear. You might have a great week and then suddenly feel devastated again. That's normal and doesn't mean you're not making progress. Be patient with the process and with yourself.