1장
The Invisible Barriers Between You and Greatness
What if your greatest strengths were actually holding you back? Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach to Fortune 500 CEOs and Wall Street Journal bestselling author, reveals this paradox in his groundbreaking work. The very behaviors that propelled you to success might be the exact obstacles preventing you from reaching the next level. Beloved by leaders like Alan Mulally (former Ford CEO) and Frances Hesselbein (former Girl Scouts CEO), this book has sold over two million copies and been translated into 40 languages. When Jim Collins, author of "Good to Great," needed coaching himself, he turned to Goldsmith's methods. Unlike typical business books that focus on what to do, Goldsmith's revolutionary approach centers on what to stop doing-those subtle behavioral tics that undermine your relationships and effectiveness without you even realizing it.
2장
The Success Delusion: Why Achievement Blinds Us
Success creates a dangerous form of blindness. The more we achieve, the more likely we develop behavioral blind spots that prevent us from seeing ourselves accurately. These blind spots aren't deep psychological issues-they're simple behavioral tics repeated dozens of times daily that gradually erode goodwill and effectiveness.
The problem isn't that successful people lack knowledge about their field or direction in their career. Quite the opposite-they often possess excessive self-esteem and confidence. What's missing is awareness of how their behavior impacts others. They believe they're making helpful contributions (others see interrupting), think they're delegating effectively (others see shirking responsibility), and assume they're providing valuable feedback (others see constant criticism).
These delusions stem from success itself. When we succeed, we naturally develop beliefs that reinforce our positive self-image while simultaneously creating resistance to change. Four key beliefs in particular become problematic:
First, "I have succeeded." Successful people maintain an internal highlight reel of their victories while editing out failures. This selective memory creates confidence but also delusion-like the fact that 80-85% of professionals rate themselves in the top 20% of their peer group. This statistical impossibility reveals how deeply we overestimate our contributions and abilities.
Second, "I can succeed." High achievers possess unshakable faith in their ability to make desirable outcomes happen through sheer force of personality, talent, or intelligence. They maintain a high "internal locus of control," believing success comes from their efforts rather than luck or circumstances. While this belief drives achievement, it also creates resistance when feedback suggests they need to change.
Third, "I will succeed." Successful people maintain extraordinary optimism about future outcomes. This drives them to pursue opportunities with enthusiasm but also leads to overcommitment. They struggle to say "no," creating a perpetual state of busyness that makes behavioral change nearly impossible-they simply "don't have time" to work on themselves.
Fourth, "I choose to succeed." Achievement-oriented individuals believe they're doing what they choose to do, not what they have to do. This creates commitment rather than mere compliance, but also makes them resistant to changing behaviors they've consciously chosen. The more they believe their success results from their own choices, the less likely they are to accept contrary evidence.
These four beliefs combine to create a particularly dangerous form of superstition. Successful people confuse correlation with causality: "I behave this way and achieve results, therefore I achieve results because I behave this way." This fundamental fallacy prevents them from distinguishing between behaviors that drive their success and those that actually hinder it.
3장
The Twenty Habits That Hold You Back
Peter Drucker wisely observed that "We spend too much time teaching leaders what to do and not enough time teaching them what to stop." Organizations fixate on positive action but rarely acknowledge the importance of stopping negative behaviors. Our recognition systems reward doing something good but seldom credit ceasing to do something harmful.
The good news is that most interpersonal flaws are remarkably simple to correct. These aren't deep-seated psychological issues but everyday annoyances that poison workplace relationships. Most successful people exhibit only a handful of these behaviors, and they're surprisingly easy to fix using skills everyone already possesses.
The higher you rise in an organization, the more your problems become behavioral rather than technical. At senior levels, everyone is smart and skilled-what differentiates leaders is their behavioral capabilities. Would you prefer a moderately competent CFO with exceptional people skills or a brilliant accountant who alienates everyone? The people-skilled candidate wins because they can hire and lead smart people.
Among the twenty habits Goldsmith identifies, four are particularly damaging:
Winning too much is the most common behavioral problem among successful people. While competitiveness drives achievement, problems arise when we need to win in situations that don't matter. This habit underlies nearly every other behavioral problem: arguing excessively, putting others down, ignoring people, withholding information, and playing favorites-all to ensure we "win." The urge is so powerful that we'll sacrifice relationships and common sense to prevail, as demonstrated by the 75% of people who admit they would critique their partner's bad restaurant choice rather than simply enjoying the evening.
Adding too much value occurs when leaders can't resist improving their team members' ideas. While you might improve an idea by 5% with your suggestion, you reduce the person's commitment to executing it by 50% because you've taken away their ownership. The higher you rise in an organization, the more important it becomes to make others winners rather than winning yourself.
Making destructive comments-cutting, sarcastic remarks that serve no purpose except to hurt others or assert superiority-creates lasting damage. Though we rarely remember making them, recipients remember every word. Before speaking, ask if your comment will help customers, the company, the person you're talking to, or the person you're talking about. If not, don't say it.
Starting with "No," "But," or "However" sends the message "You are wrong" rather than "I have a different opinion." This instantly creates defensiveness and turns conversations into battles. Most people are unaware of how frequently they use these conversation-killers.
4장
The Twenty-First Habit: Goal Obsession
Goal obsession occupies a special place among workplace flaws because it's not something we do to others but rather the root cause of many annoying behaviors. Unlike the other twenty habits, goal obsession isn't inherently negative-it's the force that drives us to finish tasks perfectly despite obstacles.
But taken too far, this valuable attribute becomes destructive when we get so wrapped up in achieving specific goals that we sacrifice larger missions. We misunderstand what we truly want in life or what others want from us, warping our values and forgetting our manners.
Consider Candace, a marketing executive who achieved everything but couldn't retain talented staff because her obsession with being a star made her claim credit for everything. Or Colonel Nicholson in "The Bridge on the River Kwai," who built a beautiful bridge for his captors but forgot his larger mission was winning the war.
The solution requires stepping back and asking yourself: "Am I achieving a task-and forgetting my organization's mission?" After all this effort, you don't want to end up asking, "What have I done?"
5장
The Power of Feedback: Seeing Yourself Through Others' Eyes
Confidential 360-degree feedback, solicited from everybody at all levels of an organization, is the best way for successful people to identify what they need to improve in their workplace relationships. However, successful people have two major problems with negative feedback: they don't want to hear it, and others don't want to give it to them.
Traditional face-to-face negative feedback fails because it focuses on the unchangeable past rather than a positive future. Negative feedback often shuts people down rather than opening them to change. Despite these problems, feedback remains essential for showing us where we are and measuring progress.
To secure honest, helpful feedback, Goldsmith uses The Four Commitments from colleagues: 1) Let go of the past, 2) Tell the truth, 3) Be supportive and helpful-not cynical or negative, and 4) Pick something to improve themselves. This creates a two-way exchange where both parties are engaged in improvement rather than judgment.
Feedback comes in three essential forms: solicited, unsolicited, and observational. Each works differently for different people. The key is finding what works for you.
When asking for feedback directly, avoid emotionally-charged questions like "What do you think of me?" Instead, the only question that truly works is "How can I do better?" This approach solicits advice rather than criticism, focuses on future improvement rather than past mistakes, and signals your genuine commitment to change.
Occasionally, someone delivers unexpected feedback that strips away our delusions about ourselves. These rare "blindside moments" are painful but invaluable gifts. The disconnect between how we see ourselves and how others see us creates opportunity for growth-if we can stop, listen, and close the gap between our stated values and actual behavior.
Sometimes the most valuable feedback comes not from what people say but from what they do. Observational feedback surrounds us daily-in handshakes, eye contact, body language, and response times. The good news is these feedback moments are plentiful and can reveal patterns if we pay attention.
Remember that feedback only tells us what to change, not how to do it-it's like an MRI showing what's broken, but we still need to perform the operation to fix the problem.
6장
The Magic of Apologizing: Healing Workplace Wounds
Apologizing is the "magic move"-a seemingly simple tactic that's tough for some people to do but brilliant for those who can. The healing process always begins with an apology, regardless of what compels it-sorrow, shame, or heartbreak.
When apologizing, keep it simple: say "I'm sorry," add "I'll try to do better in the future" (which hints at a brighter future), and then say nothing more. Don't explain, complicate or qualify your apology-additional words only dilute its power, as demonstrated when Morgan Stanley's CEO undermined a $50 million settlement by suggesting they'd done nothing wrong.
The key is to get in and get out as quickly as possible, then move on to telling the world about your commitment to change.
After apologizing, you must advertise your intention to change. It's harder to change people's perception of your behavior than to change the behavior itself-you need to get 100% better to receive even 10% credit due to cognitive dissonance. People filter your actions through existing stereotypes. The odds of being perceived as improving increase when you tell people you're trying to change, repeat this message consistently, and ask for their ideas to help you improve.
Creating a new "you" requires a good advertising campaign-not just a one-time announcement but relentless, repetitive messaging. People aren't paying as close attention to your goals as you are, so your efforts may not get instant acceptance. Like fine wines that go through a "dumb period" before improving dramatically, your personal change initiative may need time to settle and sink in before others recognize the transformation.
7장
The Art of Listening: Your Secret Weapon for Change
Effective listening isn't passive but a highly active process requiring full engagement. Success in learning from others is 80% determined by how well we listen-before we even respond.
The first active choice in listening is keeping your mouth shut-which for some is harder than bench-pressing 500 pounds. Frances Hesselbein, former Girl Scouts executive director whom Peter Drucker called "the finest executive," exemplifies this discipline. Even when upset or surprised, she thinks carefully before speaking.
Listening requires showing respect through total engagement. It's not enough to hear words; you must demonstrate you're fully present. Bill Clinton mastered this skill-when speaking with someone, he made them feel like the only person in the room through his eyes and body language. This kind of attentive listening requires significant mental and physical effort, especially in demanding social situations.
Before responding, good listeners ask themselves, "Is it worth it?" This prevents the common mistake of composing your response while the other person is still talking. The question forces you to consider how your response will affect the other person's feelings, future actions, and willingness to speak up again.
The ability to make someone feel like they're the only person in the room is what separates the great from the near-great. The paradox is that by subsiding your desire to shine, you actually shine more in others' eyes. Most of us can do this when it matters (on dates, with bosses, during sales calls), but the truly great do it automatically with everyone.
The problem isn't knowledge-it's discipline and practice. Try this counting exercise: close your eyes and count to fifty without other thoughts intruding. If you can't listen to yourself count, how can you listen to others? Practice this skill using specific tactics: don't interrupt, don't finish sentences, don't say "I knew that," avoid words like "no" and "but," maintain focus, ask intelligent questions, and eliminate any desire to impress.
8장
The Power of Gratitude: Creating Positive Connections
Thanking works because it expresses genuine gratitude, a basic emotion people expect when they do something nice for you. Though sometimes viewed as submissive behavior, saying "thank you" is crucial etiquette that creates closure in potentially explosive discussions. The only response to thanks is "you're welcome"-you can't argue with gratitude. It's a powerful conversational tool that defuses tension and creates positive connection.
Expressing gratitude is a talent connected to wisdom, self-knowledge, and maturity. After a harrowing flight with landing gear problems, Goldsmith realized he'd never adequately thanked those who helped him. Upon landing safely, he wrote thank-you notes to 50 people who had impacted his life. He became a "radical fundamentalist" of gratitude, even creating gold-embossed certificates for the top 25 people who helped his professional life.
The beauty of gratitude is that only good comes from it. When Goldsmith's lawyer friend thanked his old professor for teaching him to write well, the professor-struggling with grading papers-was reminded that his work had value. This created a beautiful cycle of appreciation that benefited both parties.
9장
Follow-Up: The Difference-Maker in Behavioral Change
Once you've mastered apologizing, advertising, listening, and thanking, you must follow up relentlessly or it becomes just another "program of the month." Goldsmith teaches clients to regularly ask colleagues for feedback on their improvement efforts. This forces colleagues to notice progress and keeps the person focused on continued growth.
Mayor Ed Koch's famous "How'm I doing?" wasn't mere ego-it was sophisticated follow-up that advertised his efforts, involved citizens in the process, created accountability, and forced him to act on feedback. Follow-up is the difference-maker in change: it measures progress, reminds people of your efforts, imprints change on colleagues' minds, erases skepticism, and acknowledges that improvement is ongoing.
Goldsmith discovered follow-up's importance after an executive asked if anyone who attended leadership training ever really changed. Embarrassed that he didn't know, he spent two years researching this question across eight major corporations with 86,000 participants. Three key lessons emerged:
First, not everyone responds to development-about 30% do nothing with training despite good intentions, usually because they get too busy. Second, there's an enormous disconnect between understanding and doing. Third and most crucial: people don't get better without follow-up. The data showed that leaders who consistently followed up with colleagues dramatically improved their perceived effectiveness, while those who didn't showed no improvement.
This reflects the Hawthorne Effect-productivity increases when workers believe bosses are showing interest in their work. Follow-up demonstrates you care about improving, value others' opinions, and take the process seriously. The fourth lesson: becoming a better leader is a process, not an event. Like physical fitness, you don't get better by understanding theory but by consistently practicing.
The key to effective follow-up is involving another person-keeping a diary alone isn't true follow-up. This human connection works because you don't want to disappoint your coach, and they provide encouragement. You can find your own coach in anyone who cares about you-a spouse, friend, colleague, or even a parent.
10장
Feedforward: Creating a Better Future
Feedforward is the final skill in our behavior-changing toolkit. Unlike feedback which focuses on the past, feedforward is entirely future-oriented. It forces us to let go of the past-a crucial skill for happiness and productivity.
The concept is simple: ask for suggestions, listen to ideas, and just say thank you-never bringing up the past. This approach prevents wasted organizational time spent rehashing coworkers' blunders or reliving perceived slights.
The Buddhist parable of two monks illustrates this perfectly: when one monk carries a woman across a stream (breaking their sect's rules), his companion berates him for hours. Later that night, the second monk continues his criticism, to which the first replies, "I only carried her across the stream. You carried her all the way back to the monastery." The lesson is clear: leave your flawed past "at the stream."
While feedback helps identify improvement areas, feedforward helps create a better future. As race car drivers learn: "Look at the road, not the wall." This approach not only helps you win the race but ensures a better journey around the track.
11장
The Rules of Change: Practical Steps for Transformation
The key to effective change is focusing on the one vital flaw that needs fixing. Successful people often struggle with this because they hate being wrong and can become paralyzed seeking the perfect option. A coach must use objective data-if 80% of coworkers say you have an anger problem while other issues receive far less mention, that's what needs addressing first.
We often avoid addressing our real issues by focusing on unrelated goals. Like Matt, a CFO with interpersonal problems who wanted to get six-pack abs instead of fixing his abrasive behavior. Lasting change requires facing reality about the effort required and understanding that quick fixes rarely provide meaningful solutions.
Benchmarking can be harmful when we pursue an impossible ideal. The perfect executive doesn't exist-they're composites of multiple people and examples. You don't need to excel at all 39 attributes of successful leadership; you only need a few. Even Michael Jordan, the basketball benchmark, was merely mediocre at baseball and golf. This isn't permission for mediocrity but a reality check: focus on improving one meaningful thing rather than everything.
Despite our business obsession with measuring hard metrics like sales and profits, we rarely apply measurement to interpersonal behaviors that matter just as much. Tracking "soft-side values" like politeness, inclusivity in meetings, or restraint from inflammatory remarks can drive meaningful change.
Financial incentives powerfully drive behavioral change. Whether monetizing punishment to end problems or incentivizing solutions, attaching financial consequences to behavior makes change more likely.
Despite good intentions, 30% of people never follow through on what they learn. Why? Most cling to a persistent dream that "after these crazy few months," they'll finally have time to change. This is a mirage. The truth is tomorrow will likely be just as hectic as today. If you want to change anything about yourself, stop waiting for that mythical "couple of weeks" when life calms down. The best time to start is now.
12장
Leading Others: Special Challenges for People in Charge
Radio host Don Imus brilliantly instructs his audience on handling his unpredictable behavior with a disclaimer: "Everything I say is jive. You cannot take it seriously. You'll know I'm serious only when I say, 'You have to stop that now.'" This technique should be adopted by every boss.
Being the boss means you control when meetings start and end-you answer to no one under your charge. But there's a dangerous flip side: while you depend on your people, they crave your attention and approval, often gauging their status by face time with you. One women's magazine editor-in-chief found herself working until 10 PM nightly despite wanting to be home by 6:30 for her children. Her open-door policy had created an environment where staff constantly needed "just 10 minutes" of her time.
Many bosses unconsciously expect staff to mirror their own behaviors and thinking styles. Steve, a former college debate champion, finally understood that his debating style put his staff at an unfair disadvantage. After our breakthrough conversation where I pointed out "you're not managing you," Steve made significant changes-inviting opinions without immediately challenging them, apologizing for past mistakes, and following up consistently.
Many executives believe their organizations operate with strict down-the-chain efficiency, where every command is precisely obeyed. I encountered a CEO puzzled that employees didn't understand his company's mission despite his clear memo. When I asked how many people actually read, understood, believed, remembered, and adopted the memo's contents, he had no idea. He was guilty of "checking the box"-assuming his job was done after articulating the mission.
Today's workplace demands a change in how bosses think. Many managers are prejudiced about their employees, harboring inflexible beliefs that don't match reality. Four common prejudices plague management thinking: First, "I know what they want"-assuming money is the primary motivator when today's "free agents" often prioritize learning, advancement, and autonomy over compensation. Second, "I know what they know"-failing to recognize that knowledge workers often know more than their managers in specific areas. Third, "I hate their selfishness"-resenting employees for looking out for themselves when that's the new reality. Finally, "I can always get someone else"-not recognizing that in today's knowledge economy, companies need talented workers more than workers need them.
Some employees are simply unsalvageable, and no amount of coaching will change them. Stop wasting time on people who don't think they have a problem-they're as immovable as a 70-year-old who's been corrected on their grammar for decades. Don't help people pursuing the wrong organizational strategy; you'll only help them get there faster.
13장
The Wisdom of Looking Back from the Future
Imagine yourself at 95, looking back at your life with the wisdom to know what truly mattered. What advice would this older, wiser you offer? Most dying people share three common themes: find happiness now rather than waiting for some future achievement; cherish friends and family who will be there at life's end when colleagues won't; and follow your dreams, both large and small.
When high-potential leaders from 120 global companies were asked why they stay with their organizations, their answers mirrored this deathbed wisdom: meaningful work they love doing now, relationships with people they care about, and opportunities to pursue their dreams.
The path to success isn't about looking ahead to the next promotion or acquisition-it's about appreciating what you have, nurturing relationships, and pursuing what truly matters to you. You are here. You can get there. Let the journey begin.
