1장
Breaking Through the Impossible: The Power of Human Resilience
Why do some people overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles while others crumble under far less pressure? This question has fascinated psychologists for decades, but only recently have we begun to understand the science behind extraordinary resilience. Rom Brafman's groundbreaking work reveals that the ability to "tunnel" through barriers isn't random luck or superhuman talent-it's a set of specific qualities anyone can develop. The book has become required reading in leadership programs at companies like Google and Microsoft, with Brene Brown calling it "essential reading for anyone interested in the psychology of achievement." Even more fascinating: the research challenges decades of psychological assumptions about how adversity affects us. As Malcolm Gladwell noted, "Brafman doesn't just explain resilience-he provides a roadmap for cultivating it in our own lives." Let's explore the remarkable science of how ordinary people achieve extraordinary things.
2장
The Tunneling Phenomenon: Defying Psychological Gravity
Percy Spencer's childhood reads like a tragedy. Born in 1894 in rural Maine, he lost his father to a sawmill accident and was abandoned by his mother. Orphaned and sent to live with relatives, he suffered another blow when his uncle died when Percy was just seven. Forced to drop out of school before fifth grade to work at a spool mill, Spencer seemed destined for a life of hardship and limitation.
For decades, psychologists believed such difficult early experiences inevitably caused lasting psychological damage. The "harm-leads-to-distress" model went unchallenged until psychologist Emmy Werner's groundbreaking longitudinal study in Kauai. Following 698 children from birth into adulthood, Werner discovered something remarkable: while most children from disadvantaged backgrounds struggled as predicted, about one-third flourished despite adversity. They performed well academically, developed into mentally strong adults, and built successful careers-defying all expectations.
Similar studies worldwide confirmed this phenomenon. Research on children raised by schizophrenic parents and those facing extreme poverty revealed the same pattern. Even among severely abused and neglected children, some managed to thrive academically and socially without developing psychological problems. Psychologists Kerry Bolger and Charlotte Patterson tracked 107 abused children over three years and found that a small percentage still performed at or above grade level in all key dimensions despite their horrific circumstances.
This "tunneling" phenomenon mirrors quantum physics, where particles sometimes pass through seemingly impenetrable barriers. But unlike random quantum tunneling, psychological tunneling can be traced to specific factors and actively increased by shifting our attitudes about life and our capabilities.
Percy Spencer exemplified this ability. Despite his lack of formal education, he taught himself advanced mathematics, science, and technology, calling it "solving my own situation." When his local paper mill wanted to modernize, teenage Spencer seized the opportunity to learn about electricity. Later inspired by Titanic's wireless operators, he joined the navy to attend radio school, teaching himself from textbooks during night watches. Eventually becoming a senior vice president at a defense contractor, Spencer's curiosity led him to invent the microwave oven after noticing a melting candy bar near a magnetron.
Fashion designer Elie Tahari represents another remarkable tunneler. Born to Iranian immigrants in Jerusalem, abandoned by his father and separated from his mother, Tahari grew up in orphanages. Visiting New York in his twenties with just three dollars per day, he slept on park benches but viewed it as "camping." Starting as a lightbulb changer and boutique worker, he discovered his design talent and promoted his clothing through guerrilla marketing at a hotel fashion show. "I had to succeed," Tahari explained. "Failure meant homelessness again." With no industry connections, he collected orders for 250,000 pieces, launching what would become a half-billion-dollar fashion empire.
Tunnelers succeed through three key elements: inner drive that holds them accountable, an even-tempered orientation to stress, and crucial support relationships. They're not superhuman-just at the extreme end of resilience and persistence, qualities anyone can develop.
3장
The Power of Internal Focus: Directing Your Limelight
Julian Rotter's groundbreaking research revealed how people direct their psychological attention-what I call their "limelight." Those with externally directed limelights attribute life events to luck, fate, or others' actions, seeing themselves as secondary participants without control. Those with internally directed limelights view themselves as central participants responsible for their circumstances.
This simple difference in perspective profoundly affects our ability to overcome adversity. Externals point to supervisors, the economy, office politics, or family demands as determining their career path, believing chance plays the major role. Internals focus on their specific choices: education decisions, work attitude, networking efforts, and skill development.
Most people shift between these perspectives, taking credit for positives while externalizing negatives. The "Seinfeld" character George Costanza exemplifies the extreme external, constantly blaming others for his problems, while Abraham Lincoln represents the internal perspective, taking responsibility despite limited resources and challenging circumstances.
Longitudinal studies show this orientation remains remarkably stable from childhood through adulthood, with childhood internals experiencing better psychological and physical health decades later. This internal attribution style correlates with higher grades, greater intelligence, longer lifespans, and better marital satisfaction during challenges.
When facing adversity, externals experience greater emotional volatility because they interpret reality based on circumstances beyond their control, feeling helpless when challenges arise. Internals maintain more stability by focusing on what they can control, asking "What can I do differently?" rather than "Why is this happening to me?"
We apply a double standard when it comes to attribution-taking credit for our successes while blaming external factors for our failures, yet doing the opposite when judging others. This protective mechanism sacrifices our internal limelight. Even Julian Rotter, who pioneered locus-of-control research, ironically struggled to internalize responsibility for his greatest contribution to psychology, demonstrating how difficult this shift can be.
To develop an internal perspective, we must become sensitive to external-oriented thinking and ask "Where am I in all of this?" rather than fixating on how others should have behaved differently. This internal focus provides the drive needed to navigate adversity and transform difficult situations into meaningful experiences.
4장
Finding Purpose in Pain: The Transformative Power of Meaning
Finding meaning amid adversity is a crucial element that distinguishes those who overcome hardships from those who succumb to them. Major Rami Harpaz exemplifies this principle through his response to becoming a prisoner of war. Rather than fixating on his eventual release-an external factor beyond his control-Harpaz focused internally by creating meaningful challenges within his constraints.
When transferred to a larger cell with nine other prisoners of war, Harpaz recognized the danger of falling into the same aimless routine as his cellmates. As the highest-ranking officer, he established a democratic system where everyone contributed equally to their community's well-being through weekly meetings. They created their own "college" with daily lessons in subjects like physics and math, built an Eiffel Tower replica with matches, formed a book club, and even translated The Hobbit into Hebrew-a project that gave them "a sense that we were winning against the whole world." These meaning-making activities were so fulfilling that one prisoner was reluctant to leave when freedom came.
The drive to generate meaning extends to career choices, as seen in zookeepers who choose physically demanding, poorly paid careers because they view their profession as "a calling" and "part of who I am." Despite earning only about $24,800 annually (nearly 50% less than average college graduates), 82% of zookeepers hold college degrees and many volunteer for years before securing positions. Their willingness to accept financial hardship demonstrates how meaningful work can outweigh conventional measures of success.
Sociologist Robert Bellah categorizes work into three distinct types. The first is merely a job-a means to make money that you'd readily abandon if financially secure. The second is a career, which carries personal and professional attachments that help form our identity. The third and most profound is a calling-something we're passionate about that gives our life meaning. When an occupation becomes a calling, it transforms into an inseparable part of who we are. Employees who describe their work as a calling demonstrate higher self-esteem and less anxiety than their career-oriented or job-focused counterparts.
Meaningfulness provides more than psychological comfort-it affects our physical health. A seven-year study of healthy older adults revealed that those reporting high levels of meaning in life were two and a half times less likely to develop Alzheimer's than those reporting little meaning, regardless of gender, cultural background, depression symptoms, or social network size. Even among participants who didn't develop Alzheimer's, those with more meaningful lives showed less rapid cognitive decline.
According to Professor Michael Steger, director of the Laboratory for the Study of Meaning and Quality of Life, we can create meaning in two ways. First, by surrounding ourselves with meaningful elements-through family ties, volunteering, finding a calling, or engaging in activities that inspire us. Second, by embracing meaningful questions and the search itself. While Americans tend to equate certainty with meaning and experience anxiety when searching for purpose (especially as they age), cultures like Japan and Korea view exploration and personal growth as lifelong pursuits.
Social interactions significantly impact our meaning-making. Psychologists Monisha Pasupathi and Ben Rich's experiment revealed that game players who received positive feedback from friends maintained their enjoyment levels, and surprisingly, those who received negative reactions also maintained their original enjoyment. The real surprise came from participants whose friends remained detached-their game-enjoyment scores dropped significantly. This suggests that apathy from others diminishes our subjective experiences, while even contradictory engagement preserves meaning. Rather than waiting for transformational moments, finding meaning in small daily activities proves more powerful.
5장
Relentless Determination: The Power of Unwavering Commitment
The third component of drive is unwavering commitment, as demonstrated by Ruth Gordon's remarkable story. Graduating high school in 1914 when women had limited career options, Gordon discovered her passion for acting despite lacking conventional qualifications. After spending her family's savings on acting school only to be told she wasn't "suited to the stage," Gordon persisted. She moved to New York, changed her name, and continued auditioning. When rejected for an extra role at Billy Shine's Movie Extra Agency, she showed up anyway, resulting in public humiliation.
Yet Gordon refused to give up. Despite being banished from a movie set by Shine, she stayed focused on her goal. Though Shine's words haunted her career-she didn't land a film role for twenty-five years-she persisted, eventually winning an Academy Award in her seventies for her role in Rosemary's Baby. Gordon's tunneler mentality was captured in her advice: "Never give up; and never, under any circumstances, no matter what-never face the facts."
Dr. Suzanne Kobasa's research revealed that executives who remained healthy under stress shared the same characteristics as tunnelers-they adopted an internal limelight orientation and relied on meaning to shape their lives. Kobasa discovered that tunnelers are more relentless than their peers, staying the course during difficult times. Because they place themselves in situations filled with meaning, they find it easier to remain committed to their goals even under tremendous pressure.
Paul Wellstone demonstrated similar unwavering commitment when he ran for Senate against incumbent Rudy Boschwitz in 1990. Despite being a virtual unknown facing a popular two-term senator with five times his campaign funding, Wellstone refused to accept defeat. Working with limited resources, he bought a used green school bus to tour Minnesota and created creative television spots highlighting his underdog status. When Boschwitz avoided debating him, Wellstone turned this snub into an advantage by documenting his pursuit of the incumbent. His relentless efforts paid off-he won the election by less than 3 percentage points, becoming the only challenger that year to unseat an incumbent senator.
Psychologists Frederick Rhodewalt and Joan B. Zone discovered that tunnelers experience the same number of hardships as others but perceive them differently. While non-tunnelers rated about 40% of their life experiences as undesirable, tunnelers only viewed 27% negatively. Tunnelers are more likely to see ambiguous situations as positive challenges rather than setbacks. This perspective means they experience fewer disappointments and less fatigue, making it easier to stay committed to their goals.
Gordon Allport's work identified five core personality traits. Extroversion and agreeableness have social components that help tunnelers build crucial support systems. Conscientiousness-being responsible, goal-oriented and self-disciplined-is invaluable for tunnelers staying on task. Most crucial is emotional stability (the opposite of neuroticism). Unlike those who succumb to adversity, tunnelers like Ruth Gordon and Paul Wellstone don't allow self-criticism to become their dominant voice. Instead of ruminating on failures, they focus on passion and meaning.
6장
The Calm in the Storm: Even Temperament Under Pressure
No one expected much from the University of Georgia's young women's softball team in 2009, yet they made it to the World Series as underdogs. Their shortstop Kristin Schnake, a five-foot-tall senior who wasn't originally slated to be a starter, displayed a remarkable quality shared by tunnelers-an even-tempered disposition. Despite high-pressure situations, Schnake kept things relaxed, celebrating basic plays, encouraging teammates, and maintaining a playful attitude. "It's just softball; it's all it is," she'd remind her tense teammates. This relaxed approach worked-Georgia advanced to the semifinals, with Schnake hitting five home runs after having only one in her previous 204 games.
NYU psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess identified three infant temperaments-difficult, slow to warm up, and easy-that generally persist into adulthood. An "easy temperament" serves as a psychological shield against adversity. Tunnelers combine relentless drive with an easygoing temperament, drastically changing how they experience challenges.
This approach proves valuable even in extreme circumstances, as demonstrated by retired Major David Underwood, who maintained his relaxed disposition through multiple deployments to Iraq. After surviving an IED blast that mangled his leg and crushed his arm below the elbow, Underwood maintained his remarkably positive attitude. Despite facing amputation and twenty-five surgeries, he never asked "Why me?" but instead thought, "Wow! I can't believe I lived through that!" His commanding officer found him ready for yet another surgery saying, "Yes, sir, I'm fine, it's just an arm." Underwood's even temperament allowed him to channel his energy into the Wounded Warrior Project, suicide prevention campaigns, and challenging physical activities rather than bitterness.
For eBay CEO John Donahoe, the power of even temperament first became apparent during his Stanford business school experience. As a new father with a baby due during finals week, Donahoe approached his studies with a relaxed attitude, aiming just to pass. Surprisingly, he earned top honors in all five courses.
This lesson served him well when he took over eBay during the 2008 financial crisis. With the company's core auction business stalling and stock prices plummeting, Donahoe made difficult decisions-divesting Skype, trimming the workforce, and shifting focus to PayPal and fixed-price sales. Despite facing fierce backlash, including hate videos depicting him as a Nazi officer, Donahoe remained calm and reflective. His even temperament allowed him to listen to critics while staying authentic, ultimately tripling eBay's stock price between 2009 and 2011.
Australian psychologists Jan Smith and Margot Prior studied thirty-two families experiencing multiple major stressors like unemployment and poverty. While many children in these families developed behavioral and social problems, some showed remarkable resilience. Though factors like mother-child relationship quality, father presence, and above-average intelligence contributed to resilience, an easy temperament was "easily the most discriminating variable."
Adults can cultivate an even temperament despite not being born with one. The challenge lies in overcoming the fear that without tension and worry, we'll lose control of difficult situations. Ironically, this very tension interferes with effectively handling obstacles.
7장
Laughter in the Face of Adversity: The Protective Power of Humor
In a fascinating 1990 Allegheny College experiment, fifty-three students were fitted with electrodes and told they would receive a strong electric shock when a twelve-minute countdown reached zero. Participants were divided into three groups: one listened to comedy routines, another heard a geology textbook passage about volcanoes, and the control group sat in silence watching the countdown. Every thirty seconds, students reported their anxiety levels.
As the countdown progressed, the control group's anxiety steadily increased, reaching 5.1 ninety seconds before the shock. The geology listeners weren't much better at 4.4. Remarkably, the comedy group maintained low anxiety levels, reporting only 2.7 at the same point. Even seconds before the shock, when control group anxiety peaked at 6.0 and geology at 5.7, the comedy listeners reported significantly lower distress at 4.5.
The experiment revealed humor's powerful protective effects. Comedy listeners maintained anxiety levels eight minutes into the countdown that matched only the initial baseline anxiety of the other groups. Physiologically, laughter relaxes muscles, lowers blood pressure, eases breathing, and increases pain tolerance. Psychologically, it shields us from emotional distress during unpleasant experiences.
Vietnam War POWs found humor essential for survival, sometimes risking torture just to share jokes through walls with fellow prisoners needing emotional support. One POW in solitary confinement described rediscovering humor when watching a guard pull an alarm clock from his pocket instead of a watch-a moment that broke through his despair after weeks of daily beatings. This seemingly minor incident became transformative: "I thought I was going to die today; and all I did today was have a good laugh." From then on, he actively sought humor as a survival strategy.
Emmy Werner, who studied resilient children in Kauai, observed that those who overcame adversity often had good senses of humor. Psychologist Ann Masten explored this connection by testing urban elementary school students' humor comprehension using Ziggy comics. Children with strong humor skills-those who quickly understood cartoons and created clever captions-performed better academically, were viewed more positively by teachers as engaged and cooperative, and were seen by peers as popular leaders.
Not all humor is equally beneficial. In a study of couples attempting to resolve conflicts, researchers found that "affiliative" humor-positive observations, funny stories, and silly remarks that break tension-improved relationship satisfaction and conflict resolution. Conversely, "aggressive" humor-sarcasm, cynicism, and demeaning remarks-increased partner distress and damaged connections.
Self-deprecating humor, when used appropriately, can reduce social distance and show leaders have human faults, making relationships more egalitarian. In Terrion's research with police officers, as group bonding increased, biting humor escalated-not as bullying but as a mark of inclusion. The most effective jabs targeted popular, well-respected members, serving as a "social badge of honor" rather than exclusion.
8장
The Power of Unconditional Support: Finding Your Satellite
The concept of a satellite-someone who provides unconditional support-proves transformative across various contexts. Ellen Fagenson's workplace research revealed employees with satellites reported greater job satisfaction, received more recognition, and were more likely to be promoted regardless of gender or position.
What defines an effective satellite is "unconditional positive regard," a term coined by psychologist Carl Rogers-support given without agenda or quid pro quo. This principle underlies organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS), founded when businessmen Irvin Westheimer and court clerk Ernest Coulter independently recognized children's need for mentoring figures.
BBBS's effectiveness is remarkable despite its simplicity: volunteers simply spend quality time with children twice monthly without specific agendas. Princeton professor Jean Baldwin Grossman's research found BBBS children were 46% less likely to use drugs, 32% less likely to engage in violence, skipped school 52% less often, and lied to parents 37% less frequently than wait-listed counterparts.
This unconditional support proved equally powerful for Holocaust orphans under Alice Goldberger's care. Despite limited resources and children who had experienced unimaginable trauma, Goldberger's unwavering presence-"never off" and understanding "everything"-helped them overcome fears and develop into successful adults.
The most effective satellites balance unconditional support with appropriate challenge. Robin Pollock's research with managers revealed the strength of mentoring relationships came not from specific career advice but from mentors who could respectfully challenge while maintaining unwavering support.
Pablo Pazmino exemplified this balance with his third-graders, challenging them while ensuring they felt his unwavering support. He cleverly combined demanding excellence with authentic connection-quoting song lyrics his students recognized and refusing to simplify challenging material.
Pazmino refused to "dumb down" material, teaching his students anatomy with college-level terminology rather than simplistic phrases. His dedication was so complete that he postponed medical school to continue teaching his class through fourth grade. By his second year, these once-struggling students were mastering trigonometry and analytical geometry, shocking school administrators. Years later, as a spinal surgeon, Pazmino still receives letters from these students. His success came from intuitively knowing how to be an effective satellite, interweaving challenging expectations with genuine respect.
9장
Becoming a Tunneler: Practical Applications for Everyday Life
When we touch someone else's life, our impact is often greater than we realize. Even unintentional influence, like helping a struggling classmate transform their academic performance, can spark meaningful change. To implement tunneling qualities in your own life, follow these principles:
First, shift focus back to yourself when facing difficult situations by asking what YOU can do to change dynamics rather than blaming others. Second, pursue anything meaningful to you, even if seemingly trivial, as these interests often energize your entire life. Third, develop an easy temperament by staying calm and not letting minor annoyances derail you. Fourth, stay committed through obstacles rather than giving up when challenges arise. Fifth, treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a friend during difficult times. Sixth, use humor liberally as a powerful tool through hard times. Seventh, actively seek out and maintain relationships with potential satellites who respect and challenge you.
As a manager, you can instill tunneling qualities in employees through seven key practices: First, seek their input in decision-making to shift their limelight and empower them. Second, notice their passions and assign leadership roles that align with their interests, adding meaning to their work. Third, act like a hall of fame coach by encouraging persistence during difficult times. Fourth, model calm, collected behavior during stress while using humor to defuse tense situations. Fifth, treat employees like family by taking genuine interest in them and mentoring even difficult individuals. Sixth, challenge employees with assignments that develop strengths they don't fully recognize in themselves. Finally, share your observations about their unique qualities, as your opinion matters more than you realize.
When it comes to raising children, research-backed approaches are more valuable than fleeting parenting trends. Give children genuine choices within boundaries to develop their inner locus of control. Follow and nurture their interests, whether astronomy, sports, or art, by immersing yourself alongside them. Know when quitting makes sense versus when perseverance teaches valuable lessons. Model an easygoing temperament rather than perfectionism, which can lead to anxiety and low self-worth. Share humor and inside jokes to strengthen bonds. Explicitly communicate love and respect rather than assuming children know how you feel. Encourage them to tackle challenges slightly beyond their comfort zone while assuring them you're always on their team.
Tunnelers aren't superhuman-they're ordinary people who approach life differently. They look inward first when facing difficulties rather than blaming external circumstances. They actively seek meaning in their lives and pursue it relentlessly, refusing to give up despite obstacles. They maintain an even temperament, not getting worked up over small irritations, and use humor to release tension in stressful situations. When they find someone who supports them unconditionally while challenging them, they nurture that connection. By embracing these principles, we can all overcome adversity and become "captains of our souls" rather than victims of circumstance.
