1장
The Confidence Revolution: Finding Your Inner Power
Have you ever felt that gnawing self-doubt before a big presentation? Or perhaps you've watched in awe as a colleague confidently navigates situations that would leave you paralyzed with anxiety? You're not alone. Julie Smith's "Coach Yourself Confident" has become a phenomenon among high-performers across industries, from Netflix executives to Olympic athletes. This transformative guide has been praised for its ability to help readers recognize and overcome what Smith calls the "self-doubt tax" - that invisible cost we pay when our confidence lags behind our capabilities. Unlike many self-help books that offer generic platitudes, Smith's approach is deeply personal and practical, drawing on her 15 years of executive coaching experience. The book has gained particular traction among women in leadership positions, with many citing it as instrumental in helping them overcome imposter syndrome in male-dominated industries. Let's explore how you can coach yourself to that quiet, steady feeling of "I've got this" that characterizes true confidence.
2장
The Fuel That Powers Achievement
Confidence isn't about pretending to have superpowers or becoming someone you're not. At its core, it's simply trust in yourself - the belief that whatever life throws at you, you'll be okay. This self-trust fundamentally changes how we approach challenges and opportunities, significantly improving our odds of success.
Think of the children's story "The Little Blue Engine That Could," where the small engine's repeated self-affirmation "I think I can" enables it to accomplish what larger engines wouldn't attempt. This isn't just a charming tale - it illustrates how belief in our abilities genuinely increases our likelihood of succeeding. When we approach tasks with confidence, we tackle them with energy and initiative, whereas self-doubt leads to hesitation and diminished performance.
Rebecca Snow, Global HR Vice President at Mars, describes confidence as "feeling powerful from the inside" with a sense of stillness that allows her to vocalize thoughts clearly and take appropriate risks. This internal power creates a state of calm focus that performers across domains describe as feeling "centered," "grounded," and "balanced."
Confidence also enables us to say "yes" to opportunities that stretch us beyond our comfort zones. Consider Miranda Mapleton, who founded White Swan, a charity using technology to accelerate diagnosis of undiagnosed conditions. Despite having no experience in technology, medicine, or the charity sector, she drew confidence from her core capabilities, telling herself, "I know I can think. I've got a good brain here." This self-trust allowed her to embrace an entirely new challenge.
Perhaps most significantly, confidence creates a contagious energy that builds collective power in teams. Kate Richardson-Walsh, captain of Britain's gold medal-winning Olympic hockey team, described how they prepared for the 2016 Rio Olympics by having each team member identify and share their "super strengths." This process built individual confidence and created a collective belief that their combined strengths would help them overcome any challenge. The opposite is equally true - doubt spreads just as easily, making defeat almost inevitable when a critical mass believes they can't succeed.
Building confidence isn't mysterious - it follows a clear cycle: taking action provides data, learning from outcomes leads to progress, and success builds trust in one's abilities, making future action easier. This "Confidence Momentum Cycle" can be interrupted when our inner critic prevents action, when we interpret setbacks as personal failings rather than useful data, or when we attribute successes to luck rather than our capabilities.
3장
The Hidden Cost of Self-Doubt
Self-doubt extracts a significant cost from our lives - what Smith calls the "self-doubt tax." This tax manifests in two primary ways: either by holding us back from opportunities, or by pushing us to achieve despite nagging doubts through exhausting overwork and punishingly high standards.
The inner critic - that diminishing, overvigilant voice in our heads - disconnects us from the present moment by constantly evaluating our performance. Focused exclusively on risk and deficiency rather than strengths, it makes it nearly impossible to take credit for achievements or fully own our capabilities. When praised, those with harsh inner critics deflect with phrases like "it was nothing" or attribute success to luck.
Our language often betrays our self-doubt through caveats, disclaimers, and unnecessary apologies: "You've probably thought of this already," "It's only half an idea," or "Sorry, I obviously didn't make that clear." These verbal habits diminish our credibility both in our own eyes and in others' perception of us.
Even the physical sensation of nerves - butterflies in the stomach - is simply our body's natural preparation response. As Paralympian Stef Reid says, "Make friends with the butterflies... it's your body getting ready to go." Rather than viewing this as a warning sign of inadequacy, we can recognize it as preparation for action.
Self-doubt manifests in various costly behaviors. We hold back in meetings, staying silent because we set impossibly high standards for our contributions. We physically make ourselves smaller - hunched posture, crossed arms, bowed heads - or verbally minimize ourselves by speaking quickly to take up less "air space" in conversations. Procrastination becomes another enemy of progress, as self-doubt triggers paralysis, avoidance, or perfectionism that demands impossible standards before action.
The combined impact leads to unfulfilled potential - perhaps the most painful form of self-doubt tax. We underestimate ourselves, hold back from opportunities, and our self-doubt leads others to underestimate us too.
Paradoxically, self-doubt can also drive tremendous success while exacting a heavy toll in overwork and exhaustion. Many successful people are partly driven by their self-doubt, pushing themselves excessively hard to lessen their anxiety. They become trapped in a cycle of constant achievement, unable to draw confidence from their capabilities because they rely on a "bucket of achievement" that constantly needs refilling. Over-preparation consumes unnecessary time and energy as they excessively tweak, rehearse, and mentally swirl - all to calm the fear of not meeting impossibly high standards.
The solution begins with self-compassion - treating ourselves with the same kindness we'd offer a friend. This means extending objective evaluation instead of harsh judgment, transforming thoughts like "I completely messed that up, I'm a terrible facilitator" into "That wasn't my finest hour, there are learnings for next time."
4장
The Balance of Humble Confidence
The goal isn't maximum confidence but "just the right amount" - a Goldilocks approach where confidence matches capability. This balanced self-belief, which Smith calls "humble confidence," allows us to objectively assess our strengths, achievements, and development opportunities without inflation or diminishment.
Uma Rajah exemplifies this balance in her decision to become CapitalRise's CEO. When weighing this startup opportunity against safer career options, Uma applied clear-sighted assessment of both her capabilities and limitations. She recognized her expertise in building technology platforms while acknowledging areas where she'd need support from her co-founders. Her decision wasn't driven by self-doubt but by realistic evaluation - she had confidence to back herself while maintaining the humility to recognize learning curves ahead.
The humble confidence mantra - "I am good enough and I can be better" - balances self-acceptance with growth commitment. The first part allows us to own our strengths without needing to prove ourselves, accepting praise because we genuinely see those capabilities. The second part acknowledges our continuous capacity for improvement without tying self-worth to acquiring new skills. This creates confidence without complacency, allowing us to approach new challenges knowing we're already "enough" while believing in our ability to learn.
Humble confidence doesn't eliminate self-doubt but reduces it to appropriate proportions. This "right-sized" self-doubt informs rather than prevents action. It brings multiple benefits: fueling collaboration by clarifying where we need help, enabling appropriate preparation without over-preparation, allowing us to hold viewpoints lightly while remaining open to new learning, and promoting growth through productive reflection rather than self-criticism.
Many people fear that working on confidence will make them conceited or "too big for their boots." While we've all encountered people whose confidence outstrips their capability, this apparent excess often masks insecurity. Psychologists call this "bullshitting" - exaggerating knowledge - which can have serious consequences in work settings. However, the author reassures readers that working on excess self-doubt won't suddenly make them conceited; confidence exists on a continuum, and the goal is finding the right balance.
Humble confidence is quiet and requires no proving or shouting. When weighed down by self-doubt, we often try to play the part of someone more confident, but with humble confidence, we become comfortable in our own skin. This involves looking within - at your strengths, opportunities for growth, and importantly, your values. When we're clear about what matters to us, we can act in alignment with those values, which feeds our confidence and helps us make difficult decisions with greater certainty.
5장
Correcting Our Distorted Self-Image
Our perception of our capabilities is often distorted, like looking in a funhouse mirror. When others tell us "you should be more confident," they're recognizing this distortion - seeing strengths we minimize and weaknesses we magnify. This well-intentioned advice implies confidence is simply a choice, but the reality is more complex.
With faulty calibration, we see our strengths in a mirror that makes them appear smaller than they truly are. We minimize achievements with thoughts like "it was actually quite easy" or "anyone could have done it," quickly moving on to the next challenge without absorbing success that could fuel confidence. Like the warning on car wing mirrors that "objects are closer than they appear," we need a reminder that our strengths and achievements are bigger than they appear to us.
Some people have a contradictory relationship with their expertise - proud of their knowledge yet unable to fully trust themselves to access it. They rely on a confidence formula based solely on proof and past experience: "I only know that I can do something if I have done it before." This model makes it difficult to feel confident with new challenges or when changing roles. A more empowering formula would be: "I can draw on my wide-ranging experience to date as I take on new things," allowing growth rather than remaining trapped by the need for experience-based proof.
Many people feel uncomfortable owning their strengths due to childhood programming like "no one likes a show-off" or "real talent is quiet." Helpful reframing thoughts include: acknowledging strengths helps us access and use them; being brilliant at something still leaves room for improvement; acknowledging strengths doesn't trigger complacency; recognizing one strength doesn't claim excellence at everything; and acknowledging strengths is simply stating truth, not boasting.
People with low confidence often hear feedback through a distorted filter. When feedback doesn't align with their self-image, they struggle to process it - positive feedback bounces off unabsorbed while negative feedback is readily accepted because it reinforces their harsh self-view. As one client described it: "I don't absorb positive feedback, so I don't get a boost from that... but negative feedback? Well, I really hear that, and I can go into a tunnel of self-criticism."
Unreasonable self-expectations can trap us in binary thinking. Setting an impossibly high bar (like being "phenomenal") creates a dispiriting focus on gaps rather than achievements. Chris Fawkes, a BBC weather forecaster, demonstrates a healthier approach - combining high standards with pragmatic acceptance that perfect prediction is impossible. Many confidence issues stem from holding onto unhelpful "shoulds" that create unrealistic expectations.
6장
Identifying Your Confidence Saboteurs
Confidence is elusive - sometimes present, sometimes deserting us without warning. To build robust confidence, we must understand what drains our self-belief in crucial moments or erodes it over time. These saboteurs exist primarily in our minds, which means we can take control by adjusting our thinking patterns.
The inner critic often hijacks our confidence when we need it most, particularly in high-stakes situations. When we're with senior people or in important meetings, this voice turns up the volume on self-doubt. Ben Lamont, HR Director at Kellanova, describes experiencing "fleeting drops of confidence" in meetings with senior people - moments where he thinks "what the hell am I doing here?" before regaining his composure. The inner critic's harsh commentary isn't fact but fear-driven perspective with flawed thinking and little evidence.
"Comparisonitis" - the painful habit of comparing ourselves unfavorably to others - manifests in believing others are more capable, more senior, or simply different in ways that make them "better." Like Stefano, the commercial director who created a composite "perfect executive" from his colleagues' best qualities and inevitably found himself lacking, we lose touch with our own strengths. This comparison becomes destructive when one-sided - expecting ourselves to match others' strengths without acknowledging they don't match ours.
FOPO - fear of other people's opinions - is a common confidence saboteur. For self-doubt taxpayers with active inner critics, external criticism feels especially threatening. This fear often stems from the false assumption that it's possible to be viewed positively by everyone. In reality, caring what others think doesn't require fearing their judgment - if I think my work is brilliant and someone else thinks it's terrible, that's just a difference of opinion, not an objective truth.
Mindreading occurs when we believe we can interpret others' thoughts based on limited cues. You're presenting and someone yawns - immediately you think: "They're bored to tears by my appalling presentation. Everyone must feel the same." Your confidence drops based on what you think someone's reaction means, not what you know it to be. The antidote is catching yourself making assumptions and reminding yourself "I'm doing that mindreading thing again."
Overthinking is the mental equivalent of running on a treadmill - expending significant effort without moving forward, achieving only exhaustion. Our overthinking typically focuses on past or future, not the present moment. Past-focused overthinking involves worry and regret about what we've done or haven't done, while future-focused overthinking generates nerves and attempts to control what hasn't happened yet. Mindfulness serves as an antidote by bringing attention to the present moment.
Perfectionism goes beyond high standards - it's an unreasonable, unattainable expectation. If my bar for success is perfection, I'm bound to fail. Perfect is an illusion and perfectionism an affliction that, as Anne Lamott writes, "will keep you cramped and insane your whole life." Donald Winnicott's concept of the "good enough parent" offers an alternative - no human needs to be ideal, just "OK, pretty decent, usually well intentioned, sometimes grumpy, but basically reasonable."
Fear of failure sabotages confidence by interrupting the first step of the Confidence Momentum Cycle. We hold back rather than stepping forward, preventing ourselves from accessing learning and potential success. What makes failure particularly painful is when it's visible to others. If our inner critic has already narrated the failure as evidence of our uselessness, we fear others seeing not just our mistake but our fundamental inadequacy. To combat fear of failure, join the "failure club" where the first rule is that you DO talk about failure club - normalizing failure through conversation reduces its power over us.
Tiredness and its companion the "voice of doom" create perfect conditions for overthinking and invite our inner critic to take center stage. When exhausted, everything seems disproportionately challenging and our self-belief plummets. This intuitive understanding is backed by research showing sleep difficulties correlate with lower self-confidence. The solution is obvious but challenging: stop, rest, sleep. Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith identifies seven forms of rest we need: physical, mental, sensory, creative, emotional, social, and spiritual.
7장
The Ebb and Flow of Self-Belief
Our confidence ebbs and flows over time and varies across different domains of our lives. Rather than following a straight line, confidence resembles a wobbly graph with an overall upward trend punctuated by peaks, valleys, and fluctuations. These variations aren't just across time but also across contexts - perhaps you feel relaxed with your team but self-conscious with peers, or comfortable trying new hobbies but hesitant to stretch at work.
If I plotted my confidence over time, it would resemble the FTSE 100 - scratchy in places with an overall upward trend, featuring big gains, occasional steep drops, and many small fluctuations. While our individual confidence graphs would be as unique as fingerprints - reflecting our different backgrounds, personalities, challenges and opportunities - the wobbliness seems universal.
Confidence isn't automatically gained with age - it's earned "through hard work and hard times," as Evelyn Van Orden noted. We build confidence by actively using life's challenges to deepen our understanding of our capabilities. Dr. Julie Smith describes confidence as "a home that you build for yourself" that must be reconstructed in new environments. However, we're never starting from scratch. Each time we face the unknown, experience vulnerability, make mistakes and overcome them, we gather evidence of our resilience that helps us face the next challenge.
This "that so this" mindset generates homegrown confidence. Rather than merely believing "I've done X, so I can do X again," the more powerful equation is "I've done X, so I can tackle Y." This internal inventory of achievements becomes a springboard into the unknown, with the confidence that you'll land safely even if imperfectly.
Confidence can vanish suddenly in high-pressure situations, as Tessa discovered during an acquisition process. Leading a complex deal while managing daily operations, her confidence evaporated after a terse exchange with the global CEO left her feeling inadequate. Two elements helped rebuild her confidence: seeking support from trusted colleagues who provided perspective, and mentally projecting forward in time to recognize this difficult period as just one episode in a longer story, not a defining moment of her capabilities.
Confidence dips are inevitable when plans go awry and mistakes happen. Yet research consistently shows that overcoming setbacks builds self-trust. As coach Andy Brett puts it: "Confidence is the quiet, steady feeling of 'I've got this' that comes with the knowledge that I've screwed up in pretty much every way possible and recovered each time."
Job transitions often trigger intense self-doubt. After successfully portraying confidence during interviews and landing a position, many people experience thoughts like "What if I've convinced them I'm better than I am?" or "What if I disappoint them?" Similar confidence challenges arise when returning from maternity leave or facing unexpected job changes through redundancy or restructuring.
Confidence is highly situational, varying across different contexts and domains of our lives. Sarah Dickens exemplifies this domain-specific nature of confidence. After a successful career as a professional dancer in West End musicals, knee problems forced her career change. At 43, she found herself working as a receptionist in a private equity firm, feeling completely disoriented and lacking confidence despite her previous stage presence. Similarly, Olympic hockey player Kate Richardson-Walsh found transitioning to corporate work "hideous," and BBC weather presenter Chris Fawkes experiences nervousness in unexpected speaking situations despite broadcasting to millions.
8장
Growing Confidence From Within
The most robust form of confidence grows from within - like a plant you nurture that develops strong roots. This internal confidence creates resilience against inevitable setbacks. With homegrown confidence, a poor performance review or rejected proposal might disappoint or frustrate you, but it doesn't fundamentally alter your self-perception or capabilities.
Many people station confidence outside themselves, using external markers as validation. Some treat qualifications as confidence life rafts - objective proof of their capabilities. Without internalizing what these qualifications represent about their abilities, they experience only temporary confidence boosts, constantly needing the next credential to maintain their self-belief.
Similarly, job titles and promotions can serve as external confidence proxies. One client, Anaya, described her promotion to a "Head of" role as allowing her to "finally exhale" after feeling like she was "pretending before." The challenge becomes internalizing this new status - many clients feel slightly fraudulent after promotion, clinging to their new title for validation without having mentally promoted themselves.
Many people rely on others to prop up their confidence. This tendency has psychological roots - as William James noted in 1896, "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." We're naturally wired to care about others' opinions, but overemphasizing external validation leaves our self-trust dependent on others' assessment of our abilities.
Research by Ohio State psychologist Jennifer Crocker shows this approach carries significant costs. Her study of 600 college students revealed those who based their self-worth on others' approval reported more stress and higher rates of drug abuse and eating disorders. Conversely, students who derived self-esteem from internal sources - like living according to their values - performed better academically and had lower substance abuse rates.
Sometimes we can temporarily "borrow" confidence from others' belief in us. However, relying on others for validation means our confidence crashes when they criticize. Our sense of self becomes only on loan, evaporating when supportive figures leave. This dependency creates vulnerability, as we then feel compelled to please others to maintain their approval.
While over-reliance on others' validation is risky, borrowed confidence isn't inherently bad if it's a short-term loan - a "try-before-you-buy" arrangement rather than a permanent dependency. With supportive figures like Jackie, who believed in me so consistently that I eventually had to believe in myself, borrowed confidence can transition to owned confidence.
Too much support can quietly sap our confidence while appearing helpful. The Montessori approach illustrates the power of offering just enough support - no more than needed. When teachers or caregivers step in to help children do something they might manage alone, they interrupt the child's process of learning self-trust. Similarly with adults, when bosses take too much care of us, don't push us to expand our skills, or rescue us from difficult situations, they communicate that we need looking after because we lack ability.
Even successful leaders can struggle to update their self-image. Rebecca Snow, now Global VP for HR at Mars Snacking, admitted she sometimes still feels like the graduate trainee trying to prove herself despite 25 years of career advancement. The challenge is acknowledging your progress - whether vertical or horizontal - and allowing your self-perception to catch up with your actual achievements and capabilities.
9장
Embracing Your Authentic Self
"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." These words from Virginia Woolf capture one of the most significant ways to grow confidence from within: giving yourself permission to be authentically you. This means gaining clarity about your values and the impact you want to have, rather than conforming to others' expectations.
Michelle, a new headteacher, described initially putting on a "cloak of headship" representing how she thought a head should be. Four years later, having led through a pandemic, she discarded that cloak: "I now have the confidence to be the kind of Head that I am. I'm not going to be the remote, austere figure. I'm not like that. I'm like this." This liberation to be yourself rather than fulfilling others' expectations creates the foundation for genuine confidence.
Confidence is the trust in yourself that whatever life throws at you, you will be OK - you'll have the resources needed and find a way through. The aim has been to grow your confidence so it aligns with your capability, enabling you to see yourself as your supporters do and acknowledge your strengths. This humble confidence understands you're good enough and can be better, enabling growth without complacency.
While developing self-belief is ongoing work without a definitive endpoint, you'll gradually experience less self-doubt tax alongside growing self-trust. These changes accumulate to make a real difference, even if they're not obvious day-to-day. Keep practicing and occasionally step back to appreciate your progress. Look at your initial confidence aspiration and recognize the small steps you've already taken - they add up to significant growth over time.
Remember that confidence isn't about pretending to have superpowers or becoming someone you're not. It's about developing that quiet, steady feeling of "I've got this" - a trust in yourself to be okay regardless of outcomes. True confidence means loyalty to self, enabling self-acceptance and the ability to stand alone without requiring constant external validation. As you continue your journey toward humble confidence, embrace both your current worth and your potential for growth, knowing that you are indeed good enough and you can always be better.
