How to Stay in Love: Practical Wisdom from an Unexpected Source

Riassunto di How to Stay in Love

1. 1

   When Love Becomes a Battleground: Lessons from a Divorce Attorney

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   Finding love is hard, but keeping it is harder. Not just staying married, but staying deeply connected. This truth has become painfully clear to me after facilitating thousands of marriage endings as a divorce attorney. Yet despite high divorce rates, the remarriage rate exceeds 80% within five years-a testament to our profound human desire for connection. "How to Stay in Love" has resonated with readers worldwide since its publication, not just with those in troubled marriages but with couples in happy relationships seeking to maintain their connection. The book has become a favorite among therapists and relationship coaches who appreciate its straightforward, no-nonsense approach. Even celebrities like Kristen Bell have praised its practical wisdom, noting how it helped strengthen her marriage to Dax Shepard by encouraging radical honesty. What makes this perspective unique is that it comes not from a marriage counselor but from someone who witnesses relationship autopsies daily. Love isn't permanently gifted but loaned-and keeping it requires intention, awareness, and action. The good news? Staying in love isn't complicated, though it does demand consistent effort. It means staying connected not just to your partner but to yourself.

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   Marriage: A Technology with an Alarming Failure Rate

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   Marriage is fundamentally a technology-a tool designed to solve certain problems while inadvertently creating others. But what problem does marriage actually solve? It's not loneliness, commitment, or regular sex-all these can exist outside marriage, and marriage doesn't guarantee any of them. With a 56% divorce rate, plus those staying together unhappily for children, religion, or occasional good sex, we're looking at roughly 68% of marriages that either end or continue in misery. Two in three! Yet marriage remains wildly popular despite this massive failure rate-like a medication with severe side effects that people keep taking anyway. Marriages and committed relationships fail for two fundamental reasons: 1. You don't know what you want 2. You can't express what you want The specific problems are many-dishonesty with yourself or your partner, mismatched expectations, passivity, lack of appreciation-but most fall into these two categories. By the time someone visits a divorce lawyer, the marriage is typically beyond repair. In all my years, I've never talked a client out of divorcing. Various circumstances might delay the visit-economic recession, holiday season, waiting for children to reach adulthood-but once they walk through my door, it's over. My role becomes like hospice care-I can't save what's dying, but I can help architect the next stage of life. This book isn't for marriages beyond saving-it's for those in good, reasonable, or at least not-terrible relationships. For them, it's not too late.

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   The Power of Relationship Narratives

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   The stories we tell about our relationships matter tremendously. Everyone in relationships tells stories about their lives, though those in healthy marriages rarely need to defend or explain their relationship. The stories we share publicly typically highlight positive aspects while covering up difficulties-the arguments on the drive home, financial struggles, or relationship tensions. The level of dissimulation is highest when first dating-we dress differently, curate our histories, and present carefully crafted versions of ourselves. Yet there's something powerfully romantic about telling the story of how we met, even when unremarkable. This storytelling forces us to reflect on what's most important and compelling in our relationship narrative. I wonder how marriages might benefit if couples reflected on their story while still together, not just when ending things. Wedding vows often incorporate meeting stories because they inspire connection and joy. Why not harness this narrative power throughout the relationship to strengthen bonds? When representing clients, I sometimes use storytelling strategically-like placing a daughter's photo on the conference table to remind warring parents that their actions will determine whether her future wedding will be marred by their hostility or blessed by their mutual respect. These narrative techniques work because they connect people to what truly matters in their relationships. The stories we tell ourselves about our relationships shape our experience of them. If you consistently frame your relationship as a burden or disappointment, it will feel that way. Conversely, if you regularly recall what drew you together and what you've built, you'll likely feel more connected and grateful. The narrative you choose matters.

4. Capitolo 4

   Hit Send Now: The Cost of Delayed Honesty

   Justice delayed is justice denied-and the same applies to honesty in relationships. Wait too long to deliver truth to your partner or yourself, and it curdles into something far messier. In my office, we've named a common divorce scenario "the Ocho"-exemplified by Cynthia, a teacher who hired me to handle her divorce from Mac, a firefighter. Their marriage had been troubled for years with loud arguments and Mac's heavy drinking, problems that worsened after their son Landon was born. Rather than addressing these issues directly, Cynthia avoided confronting the problems and instead convinced Mac to have a second child, hoping it would somehow improve their situation. The arrival of baby Anthony did nothing to solve their fundamental problems. Now with two children instead of one, Cynthia was in my office facing divorce-with the only tangible difference being an extra 8% in child support payments (what we call "the Ocho"). I insist on "hyper honesty" with all my clients. I tell them I represent all kinds-those with substance abuse problems and those married to addicts, cheaters and the cheated-upon, great parents and terrible ones-all without judgment. My only requirement is total candor, because without it, I'd be advising someone who doesn't exist. This same principle of radical honesty is what I recommend for healthy relationships. I call it "Hit Send Now"-immediately communicating feelings to your partner without filtering or delay, before small irritations become relationship-destroying resentments. The most dangerous lies are those we tell ourselves, and the truth, while sometimes painful, is always the easier path in the end.

   Capitolo 5

   The Balance of Connection: Tight Grips and Loose Arms

   The way we hold onto relationships often mirrors our downfall. Consider Charlotte, whose husband of thirty years told her he wanted a divorce while sitting on the toilet. Paul, a narcissistic trial lawyer, had been sleeping with a younger paralegal. Charlotte lamented that "he took my skinny years!" while reflecting on a traditional marriage where she always stayed home with the kids while he traveled for conferences and golf trips. Similarly, Jaclyn, a free-spirited travel photographer, found herself transformed after marrying Matt, a financial analyst. Within months, her life became unrecognizable-corporate dinner parties replacing yoga and film festivals. Their marriage collapsed partly due to Matt's hidden gambling problem, but also because they lost themselves trying to meet marriage expectations. The lesson from countless divorces is clear: proximity matters, but so does occasional separation. You need both togetherness and independence. When spouses don't take dedicated time away from each other or maintain individual interests, they often end up resentful and disconnected. As one client, Owen, realized too late: "I got it in my head that for the marriage to live, part of me had to die." I've practiced Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for about a decade, starting during my own divorce as stress relief. The most important lesson I learned applies perfectly to relationships: just because you're holding something doesn't mean you're controlling it. New practitioners instinctively grip opponents tightly, only to discover this actually locks you to them, sacrificing your own mobility and giving them control over your movements. Many clients try to control their spouses out of insecurity-tracking their location, monitoring texts, restricting social activities. But this tight grip ultimately suffocates the relationship. Encouraging your spouse to pursue their own interests actually strengthens your bond for two reasons: it shows trust, and the person who returns is a better version of themselves. As my instructor says, develop "tight grips and loose arms"-hold on to what matters while allowing movement and adjustment. Letting go might be scary, but it prevents the massive loss of control that comes with complete relationship breakdown.

   Capitolo 6

   The Myth of Mind Reading

   Elizabeth - crisp, efficient, and formal in her expensive gray suit - sat across from me in my conference room. During her contentious divorce, I failed to check in emotionally with her, assuming her businesslike demeanor meant she didn't need support. Her polished exterior and laser focus on financial details led me to believe she was processing everything purely logically. After eighteen months of complex negotiations, including intense "shuttle diplomacy" between conference rooms with detailed stock options and asset spreadsheets, I was shocked to learn she felt I'd been cold throughout. Despite my usual skill at relating to clients emotionally, I'd misread her completely, assuming appearances told the whole story. Her professional facade had masked deep emotional pain that went unacknowledged. This mirrored her husband Douglas's experience - he was genuinely blindsided by her breakfast-table divorce announcement because she never expressed her unhappiness. Their pattern of silent suffering was typical: she bottled up resentments while maintaining a perfect exterior, and he mistook her silence for contentment. People can't hear what you don't say, and no one can read minds. Most divorces aren't from single betrayals but "death by a thousand paper cuts" where problems go unaddressed until it's too late. Small disappointments, unexpressed needs, and minor conflicts accumulate over time into insurmountable walls of silence. Those in love often wrongly believe they magically understand each other's feelings. They rely on subtle cues, past experiences, and wishful thinking instead of direct communication. This assumption of telepathic connection becomes particularly dangerous during times of stress or transition, when needs and feelings may shift dramatically. The reality? Check in early and often - your relationship deserves at least as much attention as your bank account. Regular emotional check-ins should be as routine as reviewing financial statements or scheduling maintenance for your home. Don't assume your partner knows how you feel or what you need, even if you've been together for decades. Long-term couples often fall into the trap of thinking they know each other so well that explicit communication becomes unnecessary. Even after years together, mind reading remains impossible. The most loving gesture might be simply asking, "How are you really doing?" and then truly listening to the answer. This means creating space for honest dialogue, practicing active listening, and being willing to hear things that might be uncomfortable or surprising. Real intimacy grows from these moments of vulnerable communication, not from assumed understanding.

   Capitolo 7

   Protecting Your Partnership from Temptation

   Gemma and Noah had a typical collapsed marriage-routine, semi-efficient, often boring, with kids cared for by the nanny and sex once every couple weeks. Gemma felt tepid happiness until Noah slept with their nanny, twelve years younger than her. This "Nanny Fascination" is so common I'm handling four such divorces as I write this. The psychology isn't complex: the nanny represents a younger version of the wife who fits into domestic life while maintaining an exciting external existence. There's also a power component-the nanny follows the husband's directions without question, offering a straightforward, transactional relationship compared to the complexities of marriage. The remedy doesn't require much work: wives should maintain their own identity beyond motherhood by going out with friends, taking care of themselves through yoga or travel, and remembering their sexuality. As one straying husband admitted, "I fell in love with a younger version of Molly"-not seeing the nanny on her own terms but as a reflection of his wife. Remember: you're always in love with a younger version of your spouse, so make the contrast less stark by reconnecting with parts of yourself you've set aside. Or alternatively, never hire an attractive babysitter. This pattern extends beyond nannies to workplace affairs, reconnections with old flames, and other situations where people find themselves vulnerable. The key is recognizing that temptation often appears when we've lost connection with our authentic selves or with our partners. Maintaining both connections is your best protection against infidelity.

   Capitolo 8

   The Custodial Rotation: What Married Couples Can Learn from Divorce

   As a divorce attorney who must argue both sides of custody cases, I've developed a counterintuitive suggestion for happy marriages with children: pretend you're divorced. Divorced parents experience a unique rhythm - focused time with children alternating with child-free periods. This "custodial rotation" offers numerous benefits that married couples rarely enjoy, yet could easily implement to strengthen their relationships and family dynamics. The rotation system creates distinct advantages that many intact families inadvertently sacrifice. When parents have dedicated one-on-one time with children, they develop deeper connections through undivided attention. A father might spend an entire Saturday teaching his daughter to ride a bike without checking his phone, or a mother might fully immerse herself in her son's science project without household distractions. These focused interactions often prove more meaningful than fragmented attention spread across everyday family life. Equally important is the guilt-free personal time this system provides. When it's your "off" rotation, you can pursue individual interests, maintain friendships, or simply recharge - knowing your children are receiving quality care from their other parent. This might mean taking a weekend art class, meeting friends for dinner, or enjoying solitary activities that restore your sense of self. Many couples report that this designated personal time actually reduces resentment and increases appreciation for their partner. The rotation creates clearer scheduling boundaries that benefit everyone. Instead of constant negotiation about who handles which responsibilities, parents know their designated times and can plan accordingly. This predictability helps children adjust to routine while teaching them that both parents are equally capable caregivers. I've witnessed countless couples who, during pre-divorce "nesting" arrangements, actually improved their communication and co-parenting skills precisely because of these clear boundaries. This approach also serves as excellent preparation for eventual empty-nest transitions. Parents maintain individual identities and interests throughout child-rearing years, making the departure of children less traumatic. Children, meanwhile, learn healthy independence and witness adults modeling work-life balance. They see that marriage doesn't mean sacrificing individuality - rather, it means supporting each other's growth while maintaining family bonds. Implementation can be flexible - perhaps every other weekend, one parent takes primary responsibility while the other enjoys personal time. Some couples prefer splitting weekends in half or alternating specific weekday evenings. The key isn't the exact schedule but the principle: creating intentional space for both focused parenting and individual renewal. This doesn't diminish family time - instead, it enhances the quality of togetherness by ensuring both parents return refreshed and fully present. The fundamental truth underlying this approach is that we parent better when we're fulfilled as individuals. Just as flight attendants instruct passengers to secure their own oxygen masks before helping others, parents must maintain their personal well-being to effectively care for their families. By deliberately creating space for self-care and personal pursuits, you become a more patient, engaged parent and partner when together - ultimately strengthening both your marriage and your children's development.

   Capitolo 9

   Choosing Your Partner Wisely

   Some careers seem exciting when dating but become problematic in marriage. Steve initially found Isabella's chef career fascinating-secret menus, industry connections, Negronis after shifts-but the reality quickly lost its appeal when confronted with her exhaustion, late hours, workplace temptations, and unavailability during holidays and weekends when most couples spend time together. Similarly, the "bad boy" charm that makes someone appealing while dating often becomes problematic in marriage, requiring constant supervision. When choosing a partner, we should consider whether their career traits and lifestyle will translate well to marriage. Like buying a car you'll drive for life, marriage requires careful selection and maintenance. While our culture values the new and disposable (evidenced by rising car leasing and declining repairs), relationships deserve different treatment. We maintain what we value and don't want to lose. Ultimately, most people don't want multiple partners but one with whom they can have "the best and longest dance"-someone who values reliability and performance over merely being the latest model. Tim's story illustrates how dramatically lives can change. At 42, this happily married jazz musician and triathlete became quadriplegic after a drunk driver hit his car. Two years later, his wife Barb wanted divorce, claiming psychological abuse though Tim recognized the truth: "She didn't sign on for this. I don't need a wife, I need a nurse." While we intellectually understand that marriage includes both changes (positive and negative), there's an unspoken assumption that partners should remain essentially unchanged throughout decades of marriage. That's not marriage-"that's a science experiment involving cryopreservation." We must regularly assess who our partners have become and whether we're willing to handle potential future changes. Ask yourself honestly: "I still love you, but I didn't sign on for this" or "I'm not going anywhere. This is what life gave us, and we'll handle it best together"-which is your true bumper sticker?

   Capitolo 10

   The Art of Arguing Better

   I argue professionally, and one key lesson I've learned is that you can argue with someone and still love them deeply. Since maintaining relationships with imperfect humans guarantees occasional arguments, learning to argue effectively with someone you love is essential. Three crucial principles for better arguments: 1. Keep holes shallow-they're easier to climb out of. Don't let arguments about minor issues (like fried onion portions or driving directions) escalate into airing years-old grievances. Stay focused on the current issue rather than making dangerous leaps to broader relationship problems. Remember: you can never unsay hurtful words, just like apologizing to a broken plate doesn't make it whole again. 2. Identify the true subject. If you're upset about a specific incident (like deleting your show from the DVR) because it represents a larger pattern (selfishness), focus the discussion on that pattern rather than the isolated event. Lead with the big picture, then provide specific incidents as supporting evidence. 3. Don't start arguments that have no resolution. Avoid fighting about unchangeable things like height or past actions that can't be undone. Only pursue arguments about behaviors that might recur or represent problematic patterns. Remember that complaints leave deeper impressions than compliments. When emotions run high, try writing your thoughts before speaking. This creates distance between impulse and action, allowing you to express yourself clearly without saying things you'll regret. The goal isn't to "win" but to understand each other better and find solutions you both can live with.

   Capitolo 11

   Design Your Marriage, Don't Default Into It

   Marriage is paradoxically both a goal and the tool for reaching that goal-it's the finish line and the technique for running the race. But what does "winning" at marriage mean? Since all marriages end (through death or divorce), simply "staying married" isn't enough. Winning means finding joy and self-improvement that makes the benefits outweigh the burdens. Most couples never articulate what they want marriage to help them achieve. Instead, they live day-to-day, focused on just getting through immediate challenges-making it to Friday, through tax season, or the kids' exams. This short-term thinking means couples rarely check whether they're still heading toward the same destination. The saddest part? Most people only seriously consider what they want their lives to look like when they're sitting in my office during divorce proceedings. These conversations should happen regularly throughout marriage! When was the last time you and your spouse discussed what "happiness" specifically means to each of you? Or what constitutes a "satisfying" sex life? These should be conversations you look forward to! You're in the same car, driving the same road. Logic says you should be headed toward the same destination. But who selected that destination? Is it where you both want to go? Or is one of you crawling out the back window while the other plows ahead blindly? Too many people want love a la carte-the good parts of marriage without the tougher ones. But real love means loving the whole person, not just their easily lovable aspects. If you don't love the mundane, generic, or even sometimes hateful sides of your partner, you don't love them-you love a person who doesn't exist. The romance in Titanic is bullshit. Anyone can "love someone forever" when that person is attractive and drowns after a few days. Real love kicks in when you've lived with someone's annoying parts for years.

   Capitolo 12

   The Simple Secret: Just Give a Shit

   The simplest relationship advice is often the most powerful: just pay attention. Laura's divorce from Fred crystallized around small gestures-he stopped noticing when she needed her special flax granola, and she stopped giving him blowjobs. These weren't just minor oversights but symptoms of deeper disconnection. Marriage isn't actually hard work if you don't consider paying attention hard work. The simple gestures matter enormously-eye contact, physical touch, responses that show you're listening. In our distracted, phone-obsessed world, we often miss our spouses even when they're sitting right across from us. I'm skeptical when people claim they're disengaged because the relationship no longer makes them happy. Did you stop paying attention because you weren't happy, or did the happiness fade because you stopped paying attention? That's worth figuring out before ending up in my office. How difficult is it really to show small kindnesses? Buying flowers, leaving a note, or remembering what matters to your partner costs almost nothing. Once you stop telling each other that thing you once had to share constantly, things deteriorate-usually not with a bang but with a whimper. Making each other feel special might be the simplest secret to staying in love. This isn't a how-to book-it's a how-not-to. Despite my profession dissolving marriages, I still deeply believe in love and connection, though I'm a realist about its challenges. Either stay together happily or split up happily. Those are your best options. I hope I never see you in my office-not because you fear ending something, but because you've found value in keeping it.

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