Capítulo 1
Curiosity: The Hidden Key to Unlocking Wisdom Around You
In a world where we often assume we understand others, Jeff Wetzler's "Ask" offers a revolutionary perspective: we're terrible at reading minds. This bestseller, which has captured attention from leaders like LinkedIn CEO Ryan Roslansky and earned praise from thought leaders including Adam Grant and Seth Godin, reveals that despite our confidence in understanding others' thoughts and feelings, research shows we're barely more accurate than a coin flip. The book's premise is both humbling and liberating-the only reliable way to know what others think is simply to ask them. Yet this seemingly straightforward solution proves surprisingly difficult in practice, especially when the stakes are high. While countless books teach us how to share our thoughts effectively, Wetzler's work fills a critical gap by showing us how to draw out what others know and feel, transforming this elusive skill into a learnable superpower that can revolutionize our relationships, work, and communities.
Capítulo 2
The Invisible Problem That Plagues Our Relationships
Have you ever discovered that people around you knew something important but never shared it with you? This experience happened to Jeff Wetzler as chief learning officer at Teach For America, when he received an urgent call about major problems at a summer institute just months before it was scheduled to begin. Despite regular check-ins with the team, he remained unaware of critical issues that threatened the program's success.
This pattern of withholding information has a name-the "left-hand column," a concept developed by Harvard professor Chris Argyris. Imagine drawing a line down a page: on the right side, you write what was actually said in a conversation; on the left, you record all the unspoken thoughts and feelings. This exercise reveals the stark disconnect between what we say and what we think. While not everything in our left-hand columns is useful, buried within are often gems of wisdom that could benefit others tremendously.
There are four critical types of information people typically withhold: struggles they need help with, true thoughts and feelings about issues, honest feedback for improvement, and their most audacious ideas that might sound crazy. When we fail to access this information, we make worse decisions, miss creative solutions, and watch relationships deteriorate. The Ask Approach helps shift these valuable insights from people's unspoken "left-hand column" to being voiced for everyone's benefit.
This problem is pervasive across all types of relationships. Studies show over 85% of managers have remained silent with bosses about important concerns at least once, and nearly half of employees don't feel comfortable speaking up about issues that concern them. This pattern extends beyond workplaces into all relationships-between doctors and patients, parents and children, and between siblings.
The costs of this withholding are enormous but largely invisible. Important information remains trapped in people's minds, preventing better decisions, creative solutions, and stronger relationships. Despite how damaging this problem is, it can be overcome through the Ask Approach, which transforms decisions, teams, and relationships by putting people on the same side rather than seeing each other as adversaries.
Capítulo 3
Why People Hold Back What You Need to Know
Understanding why people don't share crucial information is essential before learning how to overcome these barriers. People have legitimate reasons for withholding, and developing empathy for these reasons is where the work must begin.
Four powerful barriers prevent people from sharing what's in their heads and hearts. The first and biggest is concern about impact. People worry about upsetting or embarrassing you, fear being judged or punished themselves, or damaging their relationship with you. Research shows people consistently overestimate how uncomfortable their feedback will make others feel. Even in close relationships, this concern can be magnified-the more someone cares about you, the higher the stakes feel in sharing something that might land badly.
These fears compound for those with less power, who often have the most valuable information. For marginalized groups who have historically faced severe consequences for speaking truth to power, these fears are even more justified. We see this dynamic in healthcare too, where 60-80% of Americans withhold relevant health information from doctors, fearing judgment or being seen as difficult.
The second barrier arises when people struggle to express themselves effectively. Our brains think at around 900 words per minute while we can only speak about 125 words in that time, meaning you're only hearing about 14 percent of what someone is thinking. Many haven't developed the skills to communicate difficult thoughts constructively, fluctuating between superficial pleasantries and unfiltered outbursts without finding productive middle ground.
Corporate environments often value traditional analysis and data while dismissing intuition and emotional expression. This manifests in tone policing, where women and people of color fear their communication style will be criticized regardless of content. Sometimes people simply haven't fully processed their thoughts or feelings yet-introverts, who comprise one-third to one-half of Americans according to Susan Cain's research, typically need time and space before sharing their valuable insights.
The third barrier is lack of time or energy. In today's back-to-back meeting culture, people often lack the bandwidth to pause and share insights before rushing to the next obligation. Modern life's demands create widespread burnout-77% of US professionals reported experiencing it in a 2022 Deloitte survey. For those experiencing discrimination, this burden is even heavier, as discrimination-related stress compounds mental and physical health issues, leaving little energy for honest communication.
The fourth barrier is the perception that their input isn't valued. If someone felt unheard in the past, they won't risk sharing again. This extends to collective experiences too, like women who didn't report sexual harassment because history suggested they wouldn't be believed. The culture also signals whose input matters-studies show female senators speak less than male counterparts regardless of seniority, and experiments confirm people judge talkative female leaders more harshly than male ones.
While some might withhold information for competitive advantage in cutthroat environments, this motivation is far less common than the barriers previously discussed. Many barriers can be overcome simply by asking questions, which signals interest, provides encouragement, and gives permission for people to express thoughts they might otherwise withhold.
Capítulo 4
Choose Curiosity: The First Step to Breaking Through
Curiosity is the essential first step in bridging seemingly impossible divides. Psychology and neuroscience reveal that curiosity is a powerful drive state that activates our brain's learning centers and memory formation. Like hunger or thirst, curiosity creates a strong desire to seek information, and research shows it primes our brains for learning.
The kind of curiosity most valuable for the Ask Approach is connective curiosity-the desire to understand others' thoughts, experiences, and feelings. This type of curiosity benefits both parties: when you show genuine interest in learning from someone, they become aware their knowledge is important to you and worth sharing. This is especially powerful across power differences, as leading with curiosity puts you in a position of humbly seeking to understand.
While psychologists have traditionally viewed curiosity as either a trait or a state of mind, it's more helpful to see it as a choice we can make in any circumstance. Though choosing curiosity isn't easy and goes against many psychological and cultural pressures, it's possible even in difficult situations. As Viktor Frankl reminds us, we can choose our attitude in any circumstance. Choosing curiosity means intentionally looking for new information and different ways of understanding people and situations.
The ladder of understanding helps interrupt our certainty loops by encouraging us to inject question marks into our stories. Our confirmation bias leads us to select experiences that confirm our preexisting beliefs, creating self-reinforcing certainty loops where our stories become "objective truth." To choose curiosity instead, we must slow down our thinking and consciously notice when we're constructing skewed stories.
We're most likely to overlook crucial information about others' circumstances and motivations. Social psychologists call this the "actor-observer bias" or "fundamental attribution error"-we attribute others' behavior to their character while overlooking situational factors that might influence them. The Cleveland Clinic's empathy training video powerfully illustrates this by showing hospital occupants with captions revealing their private challenges-reminders that everyone is facing something we can't see without asking.
Several "curiosity killers" can make staying curious particularly challenging. Emotional hijacking occurs when the amygdala takes over our thinking mind, triggering fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. But beyond these lies a fifth option: "find out" mode, where we get curious about our own reactions. As Kim Scott says, "When you're furious, get curious."
Another curiosity killer is the relentless pressure for speed and efficiency. When cognitive and emotional resources are drained by endless to-do lists and back-to-back meetings, curiosity feels like an unaffordable luxury. Slowing down becomes both self-care and resistance against disconnection. Practical solutions include "calendar surgery" to free up time and the "physiological sigh" (two short inhales through the nose, one long exhale through the mouth) to calm the nervous system.
Breaking free from our certainty loops often requires others to help us see beyond our bubbles of history, emotions, and culture. To combat self-reinforcing certainty, we need diverse friends and colleagues who illuminate our blind spots. While it's easy to find people who affirm our perspectives, true curiosity demands surrounding ourselves with those who challenge us to question assumptions and see different angles.
Capítulo 5
Creating Safety: The Foundation for Honest Exchange
Creating psychological safety is essential for others to share openly with you. Harvard professor Amy Edmondson's research shows psychological safety is critical; hospital teams that encouraged open discussion of mistakes had better error reporting rates. While complete safety is impossible, especially across power differentials, we can significantly reduce the risks of speaking up.
The safety cycle transforms asking someone to share from a risky cliff dive into an inviting heated pool experience. Creating connection is the first essential step, which requires enriching your stories about one another, modeling vulnerability, and finding the right physical space for conversation.
When people feel genuinely connected to you, tackling uncomfortable topics becomes easier. Try asking about someone's relationship with their work: "What's the story behind how you landed where you are today?" Connection requires reciprocity-we must also reveal ourselves. True connection emerges when we discover our shared humanity.
Where you meet someone significantly impacts their comfort in sharing. Consider what environment would make them most comfortable-private or open, inside or outside, seated or in motion. The physical space can either amplify or soften power dynamics. Former CEOs like Irene Rosenfeld and Bill George deliberately flattened hierarchies by meeting employees on their turf-factory floors, during sales calls, in cafeterias-or by avoiding power symbols like executive desks.
Creating adequate, dedicated time for conversations is essential for psychological safety. Rushed interactions prevent real connection. Add 25-75% more time than you initially estimate for important conversations. The optimal time for asking questions isn't when you want answers but when the other person is ready to share.
Adapt to others' preferred communication medium-whether face-to-face, written, or while walking. Some people, including many with autism, find typical social interactions stressful and prefer text-based exchanges. Also expand the types of knowledge you're willing to receive beyond just hard data. By accepting various forms of input-stories, gut feelings, visual sketches-we create pathways to previously invisible experiences and signal acceptance.
After creating connection, open up by explaining your intentions and demonstrating humility. Start by revealing why you're asking questions so they don't have to guess your agenda. Journalist Amanda Ripley found that pretending neutrality made interviewees suspicious; now she openly acknowledges her background and limitations: "I live in DC. Mostly everyone I know is a Democrat. I am vastly ignorant about almost all of what your life is like in rural Wyoming." This authenticity disarms people.
Finally, radiate resilience-your ability to handle whatever truth they share. Make things discussable by acknowledging potential uncomfortable thoughts or feelings: "If I were in your shoes, I might be feeling frustrated..." Research shows explicitly asking for feedback reduces cognitive stress. If you've been defensive in the past, acknowledge it before requesting input. Consider using "Crocker's Rules"-promising others you won't hold them responsible for your reactions to their candor.
Capítulo 6
The Art of Asking Powerful Questions
Questions are our most powerful yet underutilized learning tool. Despite being born natural questioners, by adulthood many have stopped asking real questions. One poll found only 15-25 percent of executive interactions included genuine questions. Our neurological wiring creates mental shortcuts that rush us up "ladders of understanding," saving cognitive resources but often bypassing curiosity.
Most questions people ask fall into three problematic categories: clumsy, sneaky, and attack questions. Clumsy questions may be well-intentioned but shut down inquiry through closed-ended phrasing, rhetorical framing, or getting buried within statements. Sneaky questions aim to influence rather than learn, using tactics like leading questions or "easing in" with a series of questions designed to lead someone to a predetermined conclusion. Attack questions function as weapons, putting others on the defensive with phrases like "Why would you ever think that's a good idea?"
Quality questions help us learn something important from the person we ask. They signal true curiosity with genuine intent to understand, are clear and direct without hidden meanings, invite honesty by making it easy to share openly, tap into the person's full story including underlying meanings and emotions, and create mutual benefit through meaningful dialogue.
To truly understand someone's perspective, we need to get a full view of their "ladder of understanding"-how they select information, interpret it, and reach conclusions. Start by asking for their headline-their main views or feelings. People often don't clearly state these, creating confusion when they assume their conclusions should be obvious or feel uncomfortable being direct.
After hearing someone's headline, dig deeper to understand their reasoning. The power of digging deeper is that it allows us to understand others' true perspectives rather than making assumptions. By asking thoughtful questions, you can uncover fundamental doubts or concerns that people have never volunteered before.
Once you've explored someone's reasoning and feelings, try to see what they see-what information and experiences inform their view. People process information differently-some prefer analytical data points while others think in narratives and stories. Your questions should accommodate both styles by asking for examples, stories, or specific data points that shape their thinking.
Even when someone shares their views, we often misinterpret what they mean by the words they're using. As George Bernard Shaw noted, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Clearing up confusion involves asking questions that clarify meaning, which not only prevents misunderstandings but also slows conversations down for more thoughtful processing.
To elicit high-quality feedback, ask specific questions that help others walk you through their observations. One particularly powerful question we should all ask more often is: "How might I have contributed to the challenge we're facing?" This acknowledges that problems rarely have a single cause and invites honest reflection on our own role.
Starting a conversation with "I have a dilemma" immediately captures attention and potentially empathy. Most people enjoy being helpful, especially with challenging and important issues. Questions that effectively request help include: "Do you have any advice for me in tackling this challenge?", "Is there a better approach I should consider?", "What ideas do you have for solving this?", and "Can you help me think this through?"
A question mark doesn't guarantee a quality question, and quality questions don't always require question marks. Statements like "Tell me what you really think" can convey genuine curiosity without interrogative punctuation. The true determinant of a question's quality is the genuine intent behind it-whether you're truly interested in learning.
Capítulo 7
The Power of Deep Listening
Effective listening transforms conversations. Most of us overestimate our listening skills-96% think they're good listeners, yet research shows we retain less than half of what we hear and listen with only 25% efficacy. We're even worse at listening to those closest to us than to strangers. While we're taught to read, write, and speak, few are taught to listen effectively. Society equates speaking with intelligence while overlooking the power of listening.
Effective listening begins with intention-not listening to prove, persuade, fix, or appear attentive, but listening to truly understand. Psychologist Carl Rogers described it as thinking "with people instead of for or about them," setting aside ego to help others express what they really think or feel.
To listen effectively requires tuning into three simultaneous channels of communication: content, emotion, and action. The content channel focuses on facts, beliefs, reasoning and conclusions. The emotion channel reveals feelings, needs and desires communicated through tone and body language. The action channel reveals what someone is trying to do through their communication and what they want us to do.
Seven practical approaches can transform your listening ability immediately. First, ditch the distractions-both external ones (phones, laptops, notifications) and internal ones (racing thoughts, judgments). Research shows people speak at 125 words per minute but listen at 400 words per minute, creating a cognitive gap that makes our minds wander.
Second, zip your lip. Silence is a powerful tool for deeper listening. Silence creates fertile space for reflection and often leads to the most meaningful sharing. Education researcher Mary Budd Rowe found that teachers who waited just three seconds after asking questions before speaking again saw significantly higher levels of student creativity and learning.
Third, watch your face. Your facial expressions and body language significantly impact what others feel safe sharing. Child psychologist Fred Muench notes that parental reactivity is a top predictor of whether children continue sharing honestly. When parents get emotionally heightened, children become less likely to share in the future.
Fourth, paraphrase and test what you've heard and check its accuracy. This practice demonstrates that you're paying attention and gives the speaker opportunity to verify or clarify their meaning. Harvard research shows this technique increases listening quality and makes speakers feel more heard.
Fifth, pull the thread by asking questions that invite deeper sharing, such as "Can you say more about that?" These follow-ups uncover crucial information that might otherwise remain hidden, as people often don't initially share what's most important. Sometimes they're hesitant, testing your interest, or haven't fully articulated their thoughts even to themselves.
Sixth, back off to move forward by respecting boundaries. Even when it means not getting all the information you want immediately, respecting someone's "no" builds trust and keeps the door open for future sharing.
Finally, check in at the end of important conversations by asking how the other person experienced your interaction: "What worked or didn't work for you in how we just talked?" This practice prevents misunderstandings from festering into resentment.
B.S. listening stands for "back-to-self" listening-when someone shares something and we immediately respond with "That's so interesting because I had a similar experience..." shifting focus from them to ourselves. A good rule is to ask at least three follow-up questions before bringing the conversation back to yourself.
Capítulo 8
From Insights to Action: Reflecting and Reconnecting
The hardest part of learning from others isn't asking questions or listening to answers-it's deciding what to do with what we hear. When someone gives you candid, thoughtful responses, you owe them two steps: reflect on what you've heard to process and decide what to do with it, then reconnect back to them.
Not everything you learn from others will be useful-some might even be harmful if you rush to action. What makes asking empowering is that you decide what to do with what you hear. Words are like toothpaste; once spoken, they can't be put back in the tube, but you don't have to use what came out. Reflection is your sorting mechanism to separate wheat from chaff, to discern meaning, and determine what warrants action.
The "three turns" provide structured questions to extract insights from what someone shared:
• Turn 1: Reflect on your story about the situation
• Turn 2: Reflect on the steps you should take next
• Turn 3: Reflect on your stuff and whether deeper factors need exploration
When making the first turn, ask yourself: "How does what I heard affect the story I've been holding about this situation?" This creates an opportunity to revise your narrative about your role, others' roles, and your task. After revising your story, make the second turn by asking: "Based on what I heard, what steps can I take?" This reveals actions to start, stop, or continue. The third turn examines your core assumptions and biases: "How does what I heard relate to my stuff?"
After reflection comes reconnection with those who responded to your ask. Your response determines whether the door stays open for future sharing. People who've shared with you wonder: Will their input have impact? Was it well received? What's next? Don't leave them hanging, especially if they've made themselves vulnerable.
Start with gratitude, framing their input as a gift. Research shows gratitude benefits both giver and receiver, increasing positive emotions while decreasing stress. For maximum impact, focus your thanks on the person's positive qualities-their courage, wisdom, or thoughtfulness-rather than just the advice itself.
Then show them the impact of what they shared. People want to know what you're doing with their input. Show impact through content (summarizing what you learned), emotion (sharing how it moved you), and action (what you're committing to do). Even when you don't plan to take action, share your reflection process honestly-people don't expect total agreement, just serious consideration.
Sharing your reflection process publicly can be powerful. When Jeff and Aylon faced organizational challenges, they demonstrated vulnerability by publicly walking through their three reflective turns in front of their entire team. Though uncomfortable, the impact was profound. After a moment of silence, the team responded with a standing ovation. Colleagues later shared that seeing leaders make themselves so vulnerable increased rather than decreased their confidence in the leadership.
Capítulo 9
Building a Culture of Asking and Learning
Organizations that make asking their superpower unlock collective genius and achieve better outcomes. In today's uncertain environment, the stakes for organizational asking have never been higher. Research shows teams with psychological safety consistently perform better, learn faster, and innovate more.
The key distinction between ordinary organizations and those that tap into collective genius is the degree to which members consistently learn from one another through asking. Organizations that "ask" make decisions that tap into the genius of key stakeholders, particularly end users and employees.
Emily Weiss revolutionized the beauty industry with Glossier by recognizing customers as an untapped source of valuable information. Before launching in 2014, Weiss interviewed hundreds of women globally and identified a disconnect between beauty brands and customers-companies were talking down to consumers rather than conversing with them. Glossier integrates customer service throughout the company, constantly asking questions through various channels including a Slack channel for loyal customers.
The most valuable source of knowledge in any organization comes from employees closest to the front lines-teachers, nurses, customer service representatives, and others with direct access to real "action." Despite widespread acknowledgment of this fact, few companies effectively tap into this wisdom.
Organizations that value asking must integrate this skill into their people practices. At Transcend, they use the "2x2 method" where twice yearly, employees have conversations with close colleagues to share two strengths and two areas for improvement about each other and themselves. This ritual normalizes asking and sharing feedback that might otherwise remain unspoken.
Organizations must formally integrate learning measures into how they evaluate performance, or learning will remain a "nice-to-have" rather than a driving force for growth. Effective learning cycles require setting concrete learning objectives alongside performance goals, building these into leaders' responsibilities, asking multiple types of questions, creating formal "learning loop" processes, and consistently reporting findings back to the organization.
While every organization member can exert leadership, those in formal authority have special responsibility to model asking and learning. Unfortunately, 42% of people report their organizations rarely or never openly share challenges, preventing access to collective genius. The most valuable role a leader can play is becoming the "learner in chief"-publicly embodying curiosity, question-asking, and learning from others.
Capítulo 10
Nurturing Curiosity in the Next Generation
Children begin life overflowing with curiosity, first exploring through observation and action, then unleashing a torrent of questions once they develop language. Research shows young children ask between 25-50 questions per hour, peaking around age four with an astonishing 390 questions daily. Most questions seek information rather than permission, reflecting their deep curiosity and belief that adults have answers.
Tragically, this natural inquisitiveness plummets when children enter school. The same children asking dozens of questions at home ask merely two per hour in classrooms. Our century-old factory model of education prioritizes receiving information over seeking it, rewards conformity over creativity, and systematically discourages questioning.
To nurture children's innate curiosity, we must intentionally expose them to diverse people and perspectives. When children show interest in specific topics, parents should fan these sparks by providing resources and opportunities. As Jeff's son Jacob advises: "Give them space to figure out what they're interested in. Then let them go learn about that, and don't get in the way."
Children imitate more than they listen. When adults create "curiosity rituals," they leave lasting impressions that nurture lifelong curiosity. Effective curiosity rituals include "Googling Your Community" (seeking knowledge from neighbors), "Empathy Talk" (questioning assumptions about others' intentions), and structured sharing rituals. By narrating our own learning processes, we powerfully model for children who are always watching us.
While children are naturally curious, they need explicit instruction in asking skills, especially since schools often discourage these abilities. Two exemplary approaches include Shereen El Mallah's Youth Participatory Action Research, which teaches students to evaluate questions using the W-H framework (who is asking, where/when/why it's asked, how it's phrased), and Niobe Way's Listening Project, which trains young people in "transformative interviewing" through practices like open-ended questions and thoughtful follow-ups.
The most powerful reward is providing honest, calm answers to children's questions-even difficult ones-making ourselves "askable adults" whom children feel safe approaching without fear of judgment or dismissal. Praise specifically focused on question-asking (rather than just correct answers) helps counterbalance educational systems that typically reward only knowing rather than wondering.
If we can successfully equip the next generation with the superpowers of learning from others-from curiosity to questioning to reflection-we might give humanity its best chance at survival. Perhaps more importantly, these skills will enable our children to build the deep relationships and communities that make life meaningful during times of great change and challenge.
