Chapter 4
The Painful Reality of Social Exclusion
In 1995, psychologist Kipling Williams conducted an experiment where researchers took turns being ostracized by their colleagues for a day. Despite knowing it was an experiment, the ostracized individuals felt like "ghosts," questioned others' motives, and struggled with daily tasks. This "Scarlet O" study revealed how deeply painful social exclusion can be, even when temporary and artificial.
For most people, being on society's periphery causes significant distress. Studies show just three minutes of ostracism can trigger negative emotions, and childhood bullying explains about a third of depression in 18-year-olds. While some nonconformists embrace their uniqueness, many experience profound pain from rejection.
Emma Gingerich's story exemplifies these struggles. After leaving her strict Amish community, she faced overwhelming challenges-learning basic modern skills while lacking documentation, enduring sexual assault, and struggling to form normal social connections. Despite finding strength in her Christian faith, Emma constantly felt her outsider status was visible to others.
Black women like Joi, a successful electrical engineer, face particularly intense social exclusion through the combined weight of racism and sexism. She experiences persistent discrimination-from strangers touching her hair without permission to colleagues mansplaining, stealing credit for her ideas, and expressing surprise at her competence. To avoid being labeled an "angry Black woman," she suppresses her feelings, though she recognizes these buried emotions still affect her health.
Before becoming Vivienne Ming-scientist, entrepreneur and mother-she struggled profoundly with gender dysphoria. Growing up in 1980s Monterey as someone assigned male at birth, she excelled at football and academics but felt deeply disconnected from expectations placed upon her. In college, crushed by expectations she couldn't meet, Vivienne became too depressed to attend classes, creating a nest in her closet where she'd read in darkness. After being expelled, she lived homeless in her Chevy Suburban for a year. Eventually, her despair led her to contemplate suicide with a gun.
Research shows this kind of social isolation causes physical illness. Lonely people, like lonely rhesus monkeys, make attempts at socializing but struggle to convert them into meaningful connections. Their bodies show signs of chronic inflammation alongside elevated cortisol levels-an unusual combination that suggests their cells aren't responding properly to anti-inflammatory signals. This creates a cycle where lonely people withdraw further, viewing social interactions more negatively and perpetuating their isolation.
Chapter 5
The Hidden Benefits of Being Different
Among more democratic teams, those with dissenting opinions developed more innovative solutions than teams where everyone agreed. While friendship thrives on encouragement, innovation requires pushback-the friction of dissent often ignites creativity, and it takes weirdos to make dissent possible.
A lone dissenter's presence reduces the "sunk-cost fallacy"-our tendency to pursue terrible ideas once we've committed to them. Nonconformists help groups question their assumptions and avoid making bad decisions. Solomon Asch's famous 1951 experiment showed that about one-third of participants would select obviously wrong answers when others in the group did so, fearing being seen as "peculiar." However, having just one person who broke with the majority reduced conformity by up to 80 percent. Remarkably, participants were less likely to conform even if the dissenter disagreed with the crowd but was still wrong-the mere presence of dissent liberated others to think independently.
Minority views are potent because people scrutinize them more carefully, thinking critically about what they're hearing and considering multiple perspectives. While majorities prompt us to think only about supporting data, minorities stimulate original thought. People in the minority also tend to support diversity more than those in the majority, seeing differences of opinion as beneficial.
In Russian, interesting facial features are sometimes called izuminka, or "little raisin"-a "bewitching little detail" that highlights the hidden value of uniqueness. Psychology confirms that odd things are more memorable through the "bizarreness effect"-strange sentences like "The maid licked ammonia off the table" are recalled more easily than mundane ones. This extends to romance too, where studies show people prefer nonconformist partners who "stand out from the crowd," with nonconformists reporting more dating success across three continents.
Beyond romance, principled nonconformists often serve as moral compasses. In Stanley Milgram's infamous shock experiments, while 65% of subjects administered potentially dangerous shocks when ordered, 14 of 40 subjects defied orders, saying things like "No, this isn't right." When two confederates refused to deliver the most intense shocks, only 10% of participants would administer the highest level. These "principled deviants" rein in group cruelty and guide others toward ethical behavior.
Leslie Wagner-Wilson's moral conviction saved her from the infamous Jonestown massacre. As a teenager, she joined Jim Jones's Peoples Temple seeking community and revolution, but gradually saw through Jones's hypocrisy. After reluctantly following her son to Jonestown, Leslie quickly recognized the settlement wasn't the socialist paradise promised. When Leslie wrote to a friend about wanting to leave, she was punished with hard labor. Learning her friend had been raped by Jones and drugged afterward solidified her determination to escape.
On November 18, 1978, while Congressman Ryan visited, Leslie and nine others slipped away with her three-year-old son strapped to her back, trekking thirty miles through jungle to Matthews Ridge. That same day, 907 people died at Jonestown-most poisoned with cyanide-laced Flavor Aid, many at gunpoint. Leslie's moral clarity and willingness to act saved her and her son.
Chapter 6
Finding Your Support System
On race day in Bowmanville, Ontario, Julia Landauer finally got the dry, cloudy weather she'd hoped for. Starting from twenty-first position, she quickly advanced to sixteenth place within the first few laps and continued climbing to fourteenth. But her momentum was cut short when her car's sway bar broke loose, causing the vehicle to list dramatically to one side. Despite her best efforts to hold the car together through sheer physical strength, she finished sixteenth.
Despite this setback, Julia remained resilient. Her family's unwavering support-her father serving as her spotter, her siblings attending races and offering feedback, and her former coach Glenn providing guidance-created a protective circle around her racing career. This level of parental involvement, far from being helicopter parenting, actually contributes to her success and well-being.
People who make unique life choices fare better when surrounded by supportive social circles. This proves especially true for "choice moms"-single women who intentionally have children through sperm donation, facing both the stigma of single motherhood and society's discomfort with determined women.
Aileen Budow's journey exemplifies how support transforms the experience. At 42, she decided to become a mother on her own, receiving immediate encouragement from friends who'd "been waiting for her to say this" and parents who asked how they could help. Her pregnancy became a communal celebration-friends joined her "donor picking party," cheered her through IVF appointments, and her coworkers threw her a maternity party.
By contrast, Sarah Lenti, a successful political strategist who decided on single motherhood at 38, faced harsh judgment from her conservative Christian parents, who called her "selfish." They initially refused to support her through fertility treatments, telling her "we're praying about loving them" regarding her future children. Though they eventually embraced her twin boys, the experience led Sarah to abandon her faith entirely.
As psychologist Cristina Bicchieri explains, "trendsetters" who violate social norms tend to be autonomous risk-takers with strong self-efficacy. Yet even these pioneers benefit enormously from having at least a small supportive group, as Bicchieri herself experienced when breaking gender norms in 1970s Italy.
Chapter 7
Learning to Thrive in Hostile Territory
In Wichita Falls, Beverly found a way to thrive despite her differences. Rather than fleeing to a more liberal state, she adapted her teaching approach for her conservative students. She now begins each semester acknowledging that some might be alarmed by her material, spending the first half on men's issues before introducing feminist concepts. This strategy mirrors what psychologists call "idiosyncrasy credits"-conforming initially to build acceptance before gradually introducing deviation.
The Beatles employed this same technique under Brian Epstein's guidance. They wore suits, bowed after songs, and maintained clean-cut images until they'd earned enough popularity to experiment with unconventional music and appearances. Like them, Beverly builds rapport by sharing her working-class background and avoiding political bumper stickers while still teaching challenging material.
Unlike Beverly's strategic adaptation, Asma combats social anxiety by simply not caring what others think. Growing up Muslim in a small Southern town, she sometimes conformed-contributing to Christmas charity drives and bowing her head during pre-band prayers. But she also maintained her differences, fasting for Ramadan and later wearing a hijab.
In college, where drinking dominated social life, Asma initially carried water in red Solo cups but eventually abandoned even this pretense. She adopted the mindset that "everywhere I am is a good time"-if she wasn't at a party, that was fine. Her parents' daily reminder to "Remember who you are!" taught her that being an outcast might alienate her from peers but connected her to centuries of tradition.
Research confirms Asma's approach: when people view their nonconformity as showcasing individuality rather than failing to fit in, their stress levels decrease significantly. This mindset has given Asma remarkable comfort with others' discomfort-she easily corrects mispronunciations of her name and communicates directly with authority figures.
When Michele Roberts was sent to an elite boarding school, she transformed her outsider experience into determination. Despite facing racism and doubts about her abilities, she developed a defiant mindset: "I'm not the stupid one, I'm the smart one." This pattern continued through college and law school at Berkeley.
As a public defender in Washington D.C., Michele decided to be exceptional rather than merely adequate. She visited clients on weekends, prepared meticulously for trials, and developed such powerful oral argument skills that other lawyers would watch her perform. When a senior attorney questioned whether she had written her own opening statement, she delivered it flawlessly, thinking, "I can't wait to see the expression on this asshole's face when he realizes that I am not only good, but better than he will ever be."
Chapter 8
Finding Perspective and Purpose
Being investigated by Toronto's children's services was the most traumatic period of Daniel's career. After being falsely accused by an employee who claimed he "hated her because she was Muslim"-despite his accommodations for her religious practices-he experienced panic attacks and feared his reputation would be permanently damaged.
Though the Children's Aid Society dismissed the accusations, the experience was deeply unsettling. What helped Daniel recover was his academic approach to understanding societal prejudices. With a master's degree in early childhood education, he immersed himself in theories about gender norms and stereotypes, organizing workshops on "queering the early years" and working with LGBTQ populations.
This intellectual framework allowed Daniel to process people's mistrust of him through psychological phenomena rather than taking it personally-a technique psychologists call "Solomon's Paradox." Named after the biblical king who could solve others' problems but not his own, this approach involves viewing one's own challenges from an outside perspective. Research shows people give better advice when thinking about others' problems than their own, and can benefit from referring to themselves in the third person.
Mary Duffy, a septuagenarian former plus-size model, transformed her painful childhood experiences into a mission to help other women. Growing up with a mother who put her on diet pills at age seven and told her "don't come home till you lose weight," Mary eventually built Big Beauties/Little Women, one of the first plus-size modeling agencies.
Despite constant skepticism and her mother's dismissal ("Who cares? You're on the front page for being fat"), Mary remained driven by a deeper purpose: "I wanted to make the world better for other women." She believed her size led her to a more meaningful career than she would have had if naturally thin. Her story exemplifies how nonconformists often channel their personal struggles into positive change for others.
In her darkest moment, contemplating suicide in the back of an old Suburban, Vivienne had an epiphany: happiness wasn't the point-a life of substance was. Putting down the gun, she called her parents, took a job at an abalone farm, and eventually completed a neuroscience degree in just one year.
Yet something still troubled her. After falling in love with Norma Chang, Vivienne finally revealed her "deep, dark secret": "I wish I were a woman." That night, she slept soundly for the first time in twenty years. Though Norma was shocked, she stayed, declaring, "Vivienne is the one I love."
After marrying (Vivienne in a tuxedo, Norma in a dress), Vivienne began her transition, fathering a child with Norma before hormone treatments and surgeries. She earned a PhD in computational neuroscience and founded companies addressing health and education issues.
Chapter 9
Reinventing Yourself
Born with a slightly shortened, pink arm from a birth injury, Curt grew up self-conscious and shy in conservative Indiana. Middle school brought painful exclusion-friends inexplicably ending friendships and explicit uninvitations to parties. When he transferred to a large public high school hoping for better prospects, his physical difference made him a target of insensitive questions and rumors that he had polio.
College offered Curt a turning point when he chose a small engineering school filled with fellow "weirdos" over intimidating Purdue University. Among these socially awkward but brilliant peers, Curt made a logical decision: he would transform himself into an extrovert. He crafted a bombastic story about his arm involving a pit bull, committed to terrifying social challenges like studying abroad in Japan, and repeatedly told himself "You love public speaking" until he believed it.
Remarkably, this deliberate personality reconstruction worked. Though social interactions still sometimes exhaust him, he regularly gives talks as a computer scientist. He approaches dating with humor about his arm and ventures alone to bars to meet strangers. "I was totally uncomfortable," he reflects, "until I suddenly wasn't."
The ancient Greek belief that personalities are fixed by bodily fluids has given way to modern understanding that our traits are remarkably flexible. Research confirms that adults can change the five core personality traits through action rather than contemplation.
Geraldine Downey, a Columbia psychologist studying social rejection, found that socially excluded people fare better when they assume others will like them-behaving "as if" they're already popular. In one study, people successfully became more extroverted or conscientious over four months by listing desired changes and specific action steps.
Therapy dramatically accelerates personality change. One review found that just a month of therapy reduced neuroticism by about half the amount it would naturally decline over an entire lifetime. After neuroticism, extroversion was the next most changeable trait-precisely the two factors that play major roles in social anxiety.
Making friends requires both self-disclosure and time-about 80-100 hours to turn an acquaintance into a real friend and over 200 hours to enter someone's "sympathy group" according to researcher Jeffrey Hall. Even casual friendship requires 40-60 hours together, explaining why children form "best friends" more easily than time-starved adults.
Todd, whom we met earlier, reconnected with me three years after our initial conversation. Though once content being friendless, his life of lonely self-reliance had crumbled. Without male friends to turn to during work stress, he engaged in "emotional cheating" with female friends and had one actual affair. When his wife discovered this, he realized she had numerous supportive friends calling daily while he had literally no one.
Through therapy, Todd began deliberately making friends in his late thirties-inviting former colleagues to dinner, asking church acquaintances for drinks, and creating phone reminders to "text a guy friend." He discovered friendship conventions he'd never understood, like the fact that you can invite someone multiple times without them reciprocating. He now has 5-6 good friends and has learned to open up, sharing his marital struggles with another dad experiencing similar problems.
Chapter 10
Finding Your People vs. Staying Different
Michael Ain, a surgeon with dwarfism who specializes in treating children of short stature, refuses to perform limb-lengthening surgeries when height is the only concern. "This is the way God blessed you," he tells patients. His stance highlights a cultural distinction: American Little People tend to embrace their identity and build community, while in countries like Spain, they're more likely to seek medical "solutions" like limb-lengthening.
This difference represents two paths for outsiders: uniting with similar others as "classical minorities" or attempting to integrate as "deviants." While both approaches are valid, embracing one's difference within a supportive community often leads to a more positive self-concept than trying to hide stigmatized characteristics.
Robert Mather represents a rare breed-a conservative social psychologist in a field dominated by liberals. Growing up in Republican Oklahoma with Republican parents, his political views seemed unremarkable until graduate school, where he found himself politically isolated.
At both the University of Central Oklahoma and Texas Tech, Robert concealed his conservative views, knowing they could damage his career prospects. When he wore a "College Republicans" shirt, classmates assumed it was a joke. Group discussions often devolved into criticism of Republican presidents, and he witnessed blatant political activism among his peers.
Despite this isolation, Robert has no intention of leaving either social psychology or the Republican Party. He's well-liked because he "keeps politics out of everything" and generally ignores political comments. Even after the 2016 election, when a colleague stormed out upon learning Robert voted for Trump, he maintained his approach of political abstention.
In contrast, some choose to seek out their tribe. Paul Chabot founded Conservative Move-an organization helping Republicans flee liberal states for conservative havens like McKinney, Texas. Fed up with California's high costs, traffic, and what he viewed as failing liberal policies, Paul and his family relocated to McKinney, where he felt he'd "moved back to America." Here, neighbors brought baked goods, children safely rode bikes outdoors, churches flourished, and his pastor lived next door-all for a fraction of California's housing costs.
Paul's clients aren't just seeking economic relief-they're fleeing social ostracism. They tell stories of being unable to reveal their Republican identity in liberal communities without being "shouted down" or called racist. Young clients Kurtis and Crystal exemplify this pattern. In Long Beach, they paid $1,500 monthly for a tiny apartment while enduring brutal commutes and social rejection for their views on climate change, immigration, and homelessness.
Chapter 11
Embracing the In-Between
Many people who've built identities around their differences still experience profound ambivalence about them. Even those who achieved success because of their uniqueness occasionally wonder if life as someone more conventional might have been better, especially when they find themselves caught between different worlds.
Mary Duffy, a plus-size modeling agent who built her career on celebrating larger bodies, reveals contradictory attitudes about weight. While she proudly proclaimed her beauty despite her size and defended her models with witty comebacks ("Mattel made the Barbie and God made the rest of us"), she also commented on my thinness immediately upon meeting me and admitted to using water pills and tight lingerie to appear smaller in her youth.
Ariel Henley, born with Crouzon syndrome which causes facial deformities, has similarly complex feelings about her difference. As a child, she begged doctors to "fix me" and was devastated when compared to a Picasso painting. Yet even after multiple reconstructive surgeries, she faced cruel comments from classmates. Today, she wouldn't wish to have been born "normal," yet wouldn't want others to endure the painful experiences associated with her condition.
Transgender women like Jess Herbst and Vivienne Ming navigate similar tensions. Though many trans women wish to blend in and be treated as cisgender, Jess accepts her visibility as "that transgender person" and willingly answers intrusive questions to spare others the burden. Despite her successful transition, Vivienne still struggles with social anxiety and feeling like she's "inflicting herself on other people," yet has found peace as "Vivienne Ming, the weird woman with the weird name."
Reuniting with Deana in Wichita Falls, I find her transformed-red-haired, confident, and working as a psychologist. No longer trying to fit in, she's embraced her outsider perspective as an asset in therapy, connecting with clients who feel isolated through her own experiences with anti-Semitism and exclusion.
Despite her success, Deana's path wasn't easy. With ADHD and a lifetime of being told she was "dumb," pursuing her PhD required tremendous grit, especially after her mother's death. Her Russian connections have grown complicated-a fellow Russian immigrant criticized her American accent, and reconnecting with her birth father proved disappointing when he couldn't understand her educational ambitions and independence.
Though settled in Wichita Falls near family, Deana still identifies as "a Russian-Jewish woman living in Texas. Not a Texan." Her outsider experiences have left her occasionally hypervigilant-once confronting men who ogled her in a parking lot. I relate deeply to this defensive posture, the way we outsiders bundle small slights into "hot little oozing nugget[s] of offense," constantly probing for invisible barriers between ourselves and others.
Meeting Deana-someone more foreign than me living somewhere more "Texas" than my hometown-gives me strength. Her existence assures me "it's okay to be like us." In her therapy office, decorated with a salt lamp and Wonder Woman mug, Deana unexpectedly breaks down crying about her grandmother who never saw her earn her PhD. "I never felt like an outsider with her," she says, triggering my own tears about my Russian grandmother. We cry together for our Soviet babushkas, those precious few who truly accepted us without question, before composing ourselves and walking back out into this foreign land.
