Chapter 4
The Persistence Script: When Determination Becomes Delusion
After a summer of unrequited love for B., my patience dissolved when he kissed me but wouldn't commit. Despite his continued relationship with his girlfriend, I clung to hope, believing his relationship was doomed and we were destined to be together. My determination followed what psychology researchers Baumeister and Wotman identify as the distinct social script of unrequited love: perseverance will eventually win over the beloved.
This script pervades our culture: from Nicholas and Alexandra's historical romance to modern films like "Some Kind of Wonderful" and Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me" music video. The message remains consistent-if you persevere, your beloved will eventually recognize you're meant to be together. This script positions unrequited love as merely love not YET returned-a caterpillar destined to become a butterfly.
Laying bare these dynamics doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility. Rejecters often indulge their ambivalence, creating confusion and pain for both parties. Yet the unwanted woman deserves credit for her purposefulness amid today's capricious mating landscape. She approaches love with qualities valued in other life areas: strategizing, facing obstacles with patience, problem-solving, and perseverance.
This explains the "motivational paradox" of unrequited love. While we don't receive the self-expansion benefits of mutual love, we persist because we have a goal to pursue. The more we believe success is possible and value the relationship goal, the stronger our attachment grows. Our feelings often endure because the beloved becomes linked to higher-order goals like caretaking, happiness, self-worth, or dreams of partnership. This "goal linking" makes the beloved represent something beyond themselves-abandoning them feels like abandoning fundamental desires.
Maria's story exemplifies this dynamic. Widowed after 35 years with a husband she never deeply loved, she pursued Scott, a devout, health-conscious bachelor who shared her Catholic values. After her husband's death, she initiated contact with Scott, courted him ardently, and even became physically intimate despite his celibacy vow. When he withdrew, she visited his workplace weekly hoping to reconnect. Though heartbroken by his rejection, Maria valued having actively chosen someone aligned with her values rather than passively waiting to be chosen as she'd done in her youth. Her pursuit represented not just desire for Scott specifically, but for autonomy in relationship choices.
Chapter 5
The Doubting Madness: When Love Becomes Obsession
Nineteenth-century French psychiatrists called obsession "la manie du doute"-the doubting madness-because for the obsessed, no reassurance is ever enough. This manifests as the question "Do you love me?" repeating endlessly, drowning out all other thoughts.
Susan Cheever questions why we celebrate romantic obsession when we'd be horrified by similar enslavement to substances. For the unrequited lover, obsession seems particularly pathological-running on empty with no evidence their love leads anywhere. Psychologist Albert Wakin notes that while limerence typically shouldn't be diagnosed until a relationship has lasted six months, immediate emotional rollercoasters over someone who "hardly knows I exist" can be recognized as problematic from the start.
The neurochemistry of passionate love offers comfort to the obsessed-a scientific explanation for feeling addicted and out of control. Modern treatment approaches include cognitive behavioral therapy and antidepressants, which helped Samara overcome her obsession with Jim. By the time he married "Wonder Woman," she could compartmentalize her feelings enough to function normally.
Yet pharmaceutical solutions raise complex questions. While medication can ease rejection's devastating pain, serotonin-regulating drugs may diminish our capacity for deep attachment and desire-potentially "zombifying our love life." More importantly, medication obscures whether the problem lies with the patient or their life circumstances.
Alice's story illustrates this complexity. Despite taking SSRIs for bipolar disorder, she became obsessed with Slater, her art teacher. Their intense flirtation provided her only sexual outlet in a marriage where her husband hadn't kissed her deeply in ten years. Though their interaction remained platonic, Alice experienced it as "this whole sexual intellectual high"-an exhilarating connection absent from her controlled, infantilized existence with her protective husband.
When Alice confessed her feelings, her husband threatened divorce, sending her spiraling into depression. Though she sometimes views her obsession as chemistry linked to her bipolar disorder, it also revealed what was missing in her circumscribed life. Her fixation wasn't truly about Slater but about her repressed creativity, sexuality, and independence.
Seeing romantic obsession merely as pathology closes a psychological window. The "sick" versus "healthy" love dichotomy often masks what's inconvenient and messy. By dismissing romantic obsession as a tumor to excise, we ignore what our longing might be trying to tell us about our deeper needs and unfulfilled potential.
Chapter 6
Gender Reversal: When Women Pursue Like Men
Before becoming obsessed with B., I established a playful gender role reversal that intensified as my obsession took hold. I became "the steadfast knight" while B. played "the girlie game" of keeping me guessing between devotion to his girlfriend and attraction to me. During our brief physical encounters, I felt a clock ticking before his "tortured conscience" would make him stop. Our gender-bending banter continued, with B. once joking about being "such a cock tease"-a comment that unsettled me because it felt appropriate. I experienced male desire's mind-consuming insistence, feeling like I was becoming Stanley from "Streetcar," bellowing my beloved's name without caring who heard.
Research suggests a neurobiological basis for this experience. Studies show testosterone increases in women and decreases in men during love, potentially bringing the sexes closer together. Women become hormonally more "masculine" when love-struck, with increased cortisol (stress hormone) levels that prime the body for action-especially in unrequited situations lacking the calming hormones present in reciprocated relationships.
This hormonal shift challenges the cultural ideal that women should be pursued, not pursuers. Historically, lustful "boy chasers" were considered not fully female-Hippocrates even believed desire could physically transform women into men. Female desire, like freedom to travel alone or have adventures, belonged to men's domain. Some women adopted male disguise to pursue love, like Shakespeare's cross-dressing heroines or Victor Hugo's daughter Adele, who followed her obsession dressed in men's clothes.
Adele Hugo's story reveals how female pursuit often represents more than just winning love-it's about escaping constraints and seizing control. Despite today's freedoms, our culture still views female initiators as somehow manly or "behavioral cross-dressers." Dating advice warns women against acting "too masculine" by initiating contact, though research shows women initiate about 40% of heterosexual relationships, with both genders using similar pursuit behaviors.
The persistent courtship double standard stems from evolutionary psychology's "parental investment theory"-women supposedly evaluate mates based on resources while men compete as pursuers. But this oversimplifies reality, as females in many mammal species initiate mating. Female pursuit increases when reproductive circumstances change-as women age or when men are scarce (like on college campuses). Ultimately, romantic pursuit reflects adaptation to perceived mate scarcity rather than fundamental gender differences-yet while we accept female determination professionally, female perseverance in love still rankles.
Chapter 7
The Dark Side: When Pursuit Becomes Predation
Patricia, a mid-fifties former Southern belle with a proud edge, revealed her obsessive pursuit of a man called "Wolf" after their affair ended. Despite being married with a son, she stalked Wolf when he broke things off-hiding in his sailboat, writing poems in nail polish on the wood, stealing items, and making midnight cocaine-fueled drives to his home where she'd "mark her territory" by urinating near his door. When Wolf began seeing someone else, Patricia tracked them to Lake Tahoe, bringing her unsuspecting husband along under false pretenses. There, she vandalized property, confronted Wolf violently, and was eventually arrested with a restraining order issued against her. Later, she created disturbing revenge art featuring Wolf's image with a hyena face and displayed it publicly with her husband and son present. Her story exemplifies the narcissistic obliviousness that can overtake women who cross into stalking behavior, yet society often gives these women a "gender pass," viewing their actions as merely nutty rather than dangerous.
Researchers and psychologists use "gender-flipping" to help women recognize the seriousness of female stalking behavior. When asked to imagine the same actions performed by the opposite gender, women's perceptions change dramatically. The author admits her own invasive behavior toward B. seemed less threatening until she imagined a man acting as she had. Similarly, in violence-prevention programs, young women who initially celebrated female vengeance changed their views when asked to consider the same behaviors performed by men. Women in pursuit often focus narcissistically on how they've been wronged, unable to see how they might be harming their targets-a trance that men fall into despite social warnings against aggression, while women receive no such cautions.
Luke's story continues with the dangerous escalation of Dara's stalking. When she came to retrieve shirts from his house, she deliberately threw herself face-first onto his concrete porch, bloodied her nose, and called 911 falsely claiming Luke had hit her. Only the intervention of neighbors who witnessed her self-harm saved Luke from arrest. Though offered the chance to press charges, Luke declined, simply wanting her gone. The incident left lasting trauma-despite his new relationship, he lives with constant fear it could happen again. This exemplifies the contradictory state of male stalking victims who often minimize their experiences as merely "annoying" rather than threatening, becoming invisible victims even to themselves. Men face unique challenges as stalking targets: societal expectations to handle problems themselves, humiliation at fearing a woman perceived as less dangerous, and the tendency for female aggression to be viewed as humorous rather than threatening.
Chapter 8
Crushes: The Developmental Value of Unrequited Love
I watch my daughter dance in her role as part of the Little Mermaid ensemble, contemplating how Ariel sacrifices her voice and identity for love. This fairy tale embodies the perils of unrequited love-self-sacrifice that I dread my daughter might one day experience. Yet as I've examined unrequited love throughout this book, I've come to see its potential value. Ariel's "I wish" song represents the quintessential adolescent state of yearning for transformation and new possibilities. Perhaps crushes aren't threats to girls' emerging selves but opportunities for growth.
The term "crush" originated in the 19th century to describe crowded social gatherings where young people might accidentally brush against potential romantic interests. Today's digital world has transformed these dynamics, with teens analyzing romantic intentions through social media behaviors like Instagram likes and subtweets. These communications serve dual purposes: minimizing vulnerability through ambiguity or amplifying feelings by making them public. Unlike historical technologies that came with clear usage protocols, today's teens navigate digital romance without shared expectations.
Adolescent crushes represent a normal developmental milestone. By age fourteen, nearly every girl has experienced at least one crush, with girls typically developing these feelings earlier than boys due to earlier puberty onset. These early crushes help adolescents transition from ignoring the opposite sex to imagining relationships with them. Young teens typically crush on acquaintances rather than close friends, spending more time fantasizing than pursuing actual relationships. As teens mature, their fantasies become more goal-oriented and action-driven.
Crushes provide a safer emotional space than early relationships, which can negatively impact academics and mental health. Adolescents in relationships are highly susceptible to their partner's influence, often experiencing lower grades, higher depression rates, and increased stress. Crushes, by contrast, offer an emotional cocoon where teens can experience intense feelings without the complications of mutual relationships. They serve as preparation for future intimacy, allowing teens to develop emotional capacity without premature relationship demands.
Psychotherapist Carl Pickhardt identifies many adolescent infatuations as "identity crushes"-attractions to people who embody what teens aspire to become. These crushes reveal more about the admirer than the admired. The author recalls her own teenage crush on a sophisticated Manhattan boy named David, recognizing her attraction was intertwined with her desire to escape small-town limitations. Such crushes represent not just romantic yearning but a form of self-creation, as teens project desirable characteristics onto their objects of affection.
Chapter 9
Unrequited Love as Transformational Catalyst
Unrequited love can transform suffering into creative power. The neural maps for beauty and love literally overlap in the brain, making the leap from romantic pursuit to artistic creation natural for those experiencing rejection. Studies show people with high needs for uniqueness often become more creative after social rejection-their outsider identity fuels innovation.
Isadora Duncan exemplified this after experiencing romantic rejection twice in France. When a dinner with champagne and roses ended with her admirer fleeing, and another suitor backed away from consummating their relationship, she channeled her disappointment into dance. "This last shock," she wrote, "had a decided effect on my emotional nature, turning all its force toward my Art which gave me the joys which Love withheld." She developed her influential dance philosophy based on movement originating from "the central spring" in the body rather than the spine.
For the author, transformation came not through artistic achievement but personal growth. After her obsession with B. ended, she established a simple rule: "You can't want anyone who isn't good to you." This led her to meet her future husband weeks after B. cut contact. Other women similarly found their unrequited love pushed them toward necessary life changes.
Careena's intense six-month obsession with Sharon, despite never having been attracted to women before, ended her fifteen-year marriage and led her to discover her true sexuality. Eleanor, a 56-year-old widow who had resolved never to love deeply again, found herself obsessed with a much younger Indian colleague. Rather than acting destructively as she had in her youth, she managed her feelings with mature restraint, eventually confessing them without expectations before he returned to India. Both women's stories demonstrate how unrequited love can serve as a catalyst for growth when approached with self-awareness and discipline-much like how religious mystics like Teresa of Avila channeled spiritual passion within structured devotion.
Chapter 10
Finding Peace: The Journey Beyond Obsession
Lina's transformation began when she finally recognized that her relationship with Bartolo left her in a "constant state of longing." After being repeatedly disappointed-including being kicked out of his home with her daughter and abandoned during trips-she reached her breaking point when he put her on a bus to the airport rather than driving her there.
In the airport lounge, feeling emotionally and financially depleted, everything changed when a "beautiful blue-eyed" man named Oliver sat nearby. They discovered they were seated next to each other on the plane-a coincidence that delighted her-and talked the entire flight. Though he was twenty years younger, she felt an "immediate, unconditional" love, but crucially different from her obsession with Bartolo: she didn't need anything from Oliver.
Their relationship developed into something beyond friendship but not quite romance. When Oliver suffered a life-threatening motorcycle accident, Lina visited him in the hospital and whispered her feelings while his family was already speaking of him in past tense. Shortly after she left, he opened his eyes. Though they briefly tested physical boundaries, Lina realized their relationship wasn't meant to be sexual. "Oliver primes me for great love," she explained. "To love, I have to take care of my own emotional life, and he helps me do that."
This experience taught Lina that unrequited love needn't be dismissed as delusion-it can be intense, fruitful feeling without expectations. As the author watches her daughter play with Lina's daughter, she contemplates how we might better prepare children for romantic relationships. While relationship education won't eliminate unrequited love-nor should it completely-teaching young people about romantic obsession and how to handle it with dignity could help them navigate these powerful emotions.
The author shares bits of her own obsession story with her daughter as a cautionary tale, though Clara insists, "I'm not going to get obsessed with a boy like you did, Mommy." Whether this proves true or not, maintaining an open dialogue about unrequited love might help her daughter navigate these challenges when they inevitably arise.
