Chapter 4
Religion, Spirituality, and Sexual Expression
Religion and spirituality shape most people's lives, even if only through childhood messages. At their best, they fulfill our hardwired need for ritual and connection to something larger than ourselves. At their worst, they create profound conflicts between our authentic selves and inherited belief systems.
The tension between religious values and sexual expression affects nearly everyone-not just those with non-conforming sexual orientation or gender identity. Questions arise about commitment levels before sex, masturbation, pornography, BDSM, polyamory, and fetishes. The shame (feeling you are fundamentally flawed, not just that you made a mistake) that religious doctrine often invokes around sex and intimacy is particularly damaging.
Many people experience cognitive dissonance between their spiritual beliefs and sexual desires. We're told we're beloved children of God while simultaneously being told we're sinful and broken. This paradox keeps people obedient but prevents authentic spiritual connection.
To navigate this territory, ask yourself how your spiritual beliefs have evolved throughout your life. Do your current beliefs differ from others in your faith tradition? How do your spiritual teachings address sexual intimacy? Have you undergone any religiously-motivated body modifications affecting your sexual identity? What rules about sex come from your beliefs, and how do you feel about them?
If you're in a relationship, consider how you and your partner navigate differences in spiritual beliefs. Are there non-negotiable areas or possible compromises? How might your views on spirituality and sexuality change over time? Open, honest communication about these questions can help integrate your spiritual and sexual selves in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling.
Chapter 5
Navigating Bodies That Change and Challenge
Our bodies are wonderfully imperfect "meatsuits" that require maintenance and sometimes misfire in ways that affect our sexual intimacy. Yet we rarely discuss these issues because of shame, embarrassment, or simply not recognizing the connection between bodily changes and sexual satisfaction.
Sexual disorders aren't signs of being fundamentally broken-they're just things not working in an orderly way. There are four main categories: desire disorders (lack of interest in sex), arousal disorders (mind willing but body not cooperating), orgasm disorders (difficulty reaching orgasm or premature ejaculation), and pain disorders (intercourse that literally hurts). Rather than just treating symptoms with pills, we need to develop sexual intelligence to address underlying issues holistically.
Aging brings hormonal changes affecting sexual function. For cis men, decreased testosterone can lead to erectile difficulties or challenges maintaining full arousal. For cis women, reduced estrogen often causes vaginal dryness and decreased sexual desire. Non-cis folks should discuss how hormone therapy might be affected by aging with their healthcare providers.
Disability is a category anyone can enter at any time, bringing significant adjustments to all aspects of life, including sex. Common issues include body image concerns, anxiety about changes, anger about having a disability, guilt, worries about partner satisfaction or fidelity, frustration when desire doesn't match ability, and resentment. Partners may experience their own challenges: feeling deprived, resenting caretaker roles, guilt about being healthy, struggling with attraction to a changing body, or fear of causing pain.
Childbirth transforms our relationship with our bodies, regardless of how "easy" the experience was. Many people report their bodies no longer feeling like their own after growing another human. Breastfeeding extends this sensation of your body sustaining another life, bringing physical challenges like chapped nipples and clogged ducts. Add sleep deprivation and constant physical contact with a dependent infant, and by day's end, you're completely "touched out"-a major disruption to an orderly sex life.
Even without major disabilities, our toxic world creates widespread sexual functioning issues. Conditions like diabetes significantly impact sexual function (affecting 50% of men and 35% of women with the diagnosis). Cancer treatment, heart disease, high blood pressure, and everyday stress all affect sexual interest and ability. Mental health issues like depression can obliterate sexual desire, while medications for various conditions-from antidepressants to simple antihistamines-can cause sexual side effects.
While everyone's experience is unique, there are general approaches to optimize sexual functioning with physical challenges. These include dietary interventions (avoiding tobacco, limiting alcohol, eating cleanly), medication management (taking pain medications before sexual activity, discussing sexual side effects with prescribers), environmental adjustments (comfortable temperature, timing sex for peak energy levels, using supportive pillows or toys), and emotional strategies (open communication, solo exploration, incorporating non-sexual touching).
Don't hesitate to ask your healthcare providers specific questions about how your condition affects your sex life. Important questions include: Are certain sexual activities off-limits? What's safest for me now? How should I handle pain during sex? Will my medications affect my libido or performance? Are there circumstances when I should avoid sex entirely?
Chapter 6
The Foundation: Building Self-Compassion and Boundaries
Before we can connect meaningfully with others, we must establish a healthy relationship with ourselves. This begins with self-compassion-mindful awareness of your value as a flawed, imperfect, struggling human being. Unlike self-esteem, which crashes when we fail by external standards, self-compassion remains available even when we're not at our best.
Self-compassion is not letting ourselves off the hook or lowering standards. It means giving ourselves the same support, encouragement, and tough love we'd offer dear friends. It's the mediating voice between harsh self-criticism and complacency, allowing us to see both our flaws and our capacity for transcendence.
Kristin Neff breaks self-compassion into three parts: mindfulness (simple awareness without judgment), self-kindness (being tender with ourselves rather than judgmental), and common humanity (recognizing we're not alone in our imperfection). To these, we can add self-empathy-thoughtfully listening to our own feelings and sensations.
Alongside self-compassion, establishing clear boundaries forms the foundation of healthy intimacy. Boundaries are the everyday expression of consent, ranging from sexual boundaries to privacy boundaries to everyday interactions like "I need 20 minutes to decompress after work." They help us feel safer and more secure in an uncertain world.
Understanding your boundaries is the first step in communicating them. Consider: What's your deal breaker in intimate relationships? What's your absolute no-fly zone in your intimate life? When do you know you're done with an intimate partner or situation? Pay attention to your emotional response-not what you think you should answer, but what your body tells you the answer actually is.
Boundaries can be rigid (nothing gets through, zero negotiation), permeable (everything gets through, boundaries defined by others), or flexible (you willingly compromise for relationship growth). Some boundaries should be rigid when they protect real safety and security-these reflect needs rather than wants. But boundaries vary between people and change throughout our lives.
Being rigidly inflexible is just as problematic as letting people stomp all over your boundaries. We need the capacity to negotiate while maintaining safety without becoming a pushover-finding that balance between flexibility and permeability.
Chapter 7
Consent: The Foundation of Healthy Connection
Consent is an active communication process that goes beyond explicit sexual permission-it's fundamentally about permission for something to happen. It defines our rules of engagement through boundaries. For those with trauma histories, a consent framework provides safety and allows us to own our desires in a sex-positive way.
The Ten Commandments of Consent provide essential guidelines for navigating intimate interactions:
1. No consent from intoxicated people-alcohol, drugs, and medications impair judgment.
2. Emotional distress can be as impairing as intoxication-offer comfort without sex.
3. Consent isn't static-previous permission doesn't guarantee future access.
4. Consent for one activity doesn't extend to others-"interactions are a salad bar, not a casserole."
5. Silence isn't consent-passive behavior isn't a "yes."
6. Consent must be informed-disclose STIs, other partners, or major life changes.
7. Consent is a community obligation-protect others in uncomfortable situations.
8. Having to convince someone isn't consent-"If you get a 'Wellllll, I don't knowwww,' respond with 'That's cool, let me know if you change your mind.'"
9. Consent includes the right to say YES-sexual shaming makes enthusiastic consent more complicated. Many women pretend they don't want sex and must be "convinced," sending mixed messages to partners.
10. Consent extends beyond sex to all boundaries-ask permission to touch others for any reason, don't share others' information without permission, don't make plans on their behalf, and respect their autonomy.
These principles create a framework for respectful, mutually satisfying interactions that honor everyone's boundaries and desires. By embracing consent as a fundamental value, we create space for authentic connection without coercion or violation.
Chapter 8
Rediscovering Your Body: The Path to Pleasure
Feeling comfortable in your skin and accepting your imperfect self is powerful but difficult work. Two major triggers for disconnecting from our bodies are trauma and unhappiness with our physical appearance, both significant barriers to healthy intimacy.
We rarely fully inhabit our bodies, having learned from childhood that our minds can wander elsewhere. This disconnection becomes problematic for intimacy, as partners want to have sex with you, not just on you. Interoception-our awareness of our body's internal reactions-is often foreign, especially for trauma survivors who learned to dissociate as protection.
To rebuild body awareness, try exercises like progressive muscle relaxation or Peter Levine's interoception exercise: Hold out one hand with palm facing your body. Slowly make a fist while watching, then open it again. Next, close your eyes and repeat, feeling what "open" feels like internally, then closing into a fist, then reopening. Notice how your awareness changes when relying solely on internal sensations rather than visual input.
Body image issues affect almost everyone regardless of gender. About 80% of women report body dissatisfaction, with the average woman making 13 negative statements about her body daily. Surprisingly, men's body image concerns are now matching or surpassing women's, with 81% of men experiencing body-related anxiety.
To improve body acceptance, try focusing on your body as a whole rather than fixating on parts, using "soft eyes" to see your entirety. Hold space for the possibility of future change-saying "not right now" is less damaging than "never" and allows for healing shifts. When positivity feels impossible, work toward neutrality with statements like "My body just is. Nothing is empirically good or bad." Finally, apologize to your body for treating it like the enemy and commit to reintegrating it as part of your whole self, appreciating all it's done despite your negativity.
Touch represents another paradox-it's how we first differentiate ourselves from the world, yet it's also our primary means of experiencing intimacy. Understanding your personal relationship with touch can provide profound insights. Dr. Patti Britton's framework identifies five levels of touch: healing touch, affectionate touch, sensual touch, erotic touch, and sexual touch. There's no right or wrong interpretation-what matters is discovering your unique experience and how it affects your connections with others.
Chapter 9
Self-Pleasure: The Gateway to Sexual Empowerment
Masturbation is a normal human expression of sexuality that has been part of human history throughout time. Despite this, religious leaders and medical professionals once claimed it led to weakness, disease, and insanity. Only in the past 50 years have researchers confronted these views, arguing that masturbation is healthy and valuable for human development.
Solo sex serves many purposes beyond just pleasure. It helps you discover what you enjoy sexually, which can be shared with future partners. Masturbation allows you to reclaim your sexuality from past trauma or cultural messaging, empowers you politically against sexual repression, and offers practical benefits like headache relief, help with falling asleep, and simply feeling good.
The key to masturbation is exploring your body's erogenous zones-areas that connect you to your sexual self and create arousal when stimulated. This includes genitalia, breasts, nipples, perineum, anus, and any other personally sensitive areas. Listen to your body as you explore different types of touch (firm, light, vibrating) and consider using lubricants or sex toys to enhance the experience.
Orgasms result from a chain reaction where sensory messages to the brain activate increasing numbers of nerves throughout the body until the system reaches overload and discharges energy. This process works best with rhythmic stimulation linked to your own heartbeat-your personal "excitability cycle." Masturbation allows you to discover this rhythm without coordinating with a partner.
For transgender and non-binary individuals, masturbation may involve navigating dysphoria triggers. Strategies include using sensate focus exercises that avoid triggering areas or creating comfort through practices like keeping binders on during sexual activity. The focus should be on personal pleasure, exploration, and comfort, with boundaries set according to individual needs.
Sex toys provide stimulation through vibration, movement, warmth, and other sensations. Despite concerns, they won't "break" you for other types of sex. Think of it like walking versus driving to the store-both get you there, just differently. Sex toys can be lifesavers for both solo and partnered sex, especially for those with mobility issues. They enhance experiences rather than replace partners, allowing many people to experience sexual pleasure they wouldn't otherwise have access to.
Chapter 10
Dating Like a Grown-Up: Finding Authentic Connection
Dating has become an obstacle course instead of something fun. We spend countless hours discussing dating apps, appropriate timing for serious conversations, and why we're friend-zoned. No wonder we give up or settle for someone wrong just because someone feels better than no one.
Research shows more than a third of marriages now start online, interracial marriages have increased, and online-initiated marriages are often stronger. For LGB+ people especially, online dating is the primary way to meet partners. But online dating has downsides too. Swipe-apps like Tinder have gamified dating, negatively affecting self-esteem and body image, particularly for men.
For better dating outcomes, approach the process like a therapist would. Be present, engaged, and authentic with everyone you meet. Use SMART goal setting (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-Sensitive) to clarify what you want from dating. Realize that everyone has their own agenda-motivations and intentions that may not align with yours. Be aware of your "countertransference"-your emotional reactions based on your own history rather than the person in front of you. And know when to terminate-when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Beyond the therapist approach, make fun your top priority. Do an internal fun check-if you're not thinking "I'm digging this person! Woohoo!" then nothing's there. Listen to your intuition-if something feels off or unsafe, pay attention to that feeling. Remember that everyone deserves to be "chocolate cake"-someone who's delicious on their own without needing crazy sprinkles to be appealing.
Beware the oxytocin trap-this neurochemical makes us trust people more than we should. If you're with someone 24/7, you never get a break from the oxytocin flood to do a proper gut check. Make space away from them to assess how you truly feel.
Around the four-month mark, people can't maintain their best selves anymore-their authentic personality starts leaking out. Some quirks can be adorable, like Friday night pancakes. Others are tolerable but important to know about, like hanger. And some need serious discussion: rudeness to waitstaff, disinterest in voting, or loving Nickelback. Take time for those deep conversations-oxytocin is a liar.
If someone rejects you after a couple dates, they don't know you well enough to reject the actual awesomeness that is you. They're rejecting your offer to know the real you-maybe their ex called, they don't like your band t-shirts, or they're oxytocin junkies seeking their next hit. Dating is a tryout period. Next candidate!
Chapter 11
Building Relationships That Last
Once you've found someone worth investing in, "relationshipping" brings its own challenges. A relationship requires ongoing work, especially for those without good role models growing up. These guidelines focus on improving intimacy generally, which naturally enhances physical intimacy.
Love people, not labels. Labels are just assignments we attach to aspects of our being, not the sum entirety of who we are. They change constantly. If you become attached to someone's label, you'll be sadly disappointed when it falls off. The only label your partner should ever get from you? "Mine."
Grow together and put one another first. The strongest relationships weather enormous changes together-in physical ability, career, socio-economic status, even gender. People change constantly as life and maturity shape us. When long-term relationships deteriorate, it's often because partners don't remain connected in their growth.
Spend time together-not just collapsed on the sofa watching Netflix in stained sweats, but real, planned couples time. Your mate deserves to be wooed, and so do you. Make time for your relationship the same way you schedule everything else important.
Spend time apart. This is especially important if you share living space. Once a week you should each have a chance to escape the house alone and once a week you should have a chance to have the house to yourself. We all need that time to reboot, recharge, and be good partners.
Establish your relationship "rules." Everyone's relationship needs structure. The key? Use your words to communicate expectations. If you expect flowers on your birthday, Snapchat boundaries with exes, meeting secondary partners, or Sunday afternoon oral sex-say it. Most relationship conflicts happen because one partner expected something they never communicated.
Don't fucking lie. Don't half-truth. Don't omit. Don't play Captain Semantics. Own your shit, be honest and authentic. If you're angry, say you're angry and why. Don't say you're okay when you're not. And for fuck's sake, don't play mind games or rationalize sketchy behavior.
Remember that love is a behavior, not a feeling. Love isn't some vague notion of warm fuzzies-it's what we DO daily. It's stopping to listen about your partner's bad day, keeping their favorite snacks stocked, making time for date night after years together, sending a thoughtful text. It's living with this person at your side always, even when they're not physically present.
Be a more excellent you. Don't expect a mate to fix everything wrong in your life-do that shit yourself. When you're a jacked-up mess, your bat signal attracts the same. No one says you need to be perfect, but taking responsibility for your fuck-ups and working toward goals makes you attractive.
Chapter 12
Communication: The Ultimate Relationship Superpower
Our partners see the absolute worst side of us when they are the people we love best. We're nicer to bratty toddlers at Target than to our partners who've seen us at our worst. It's human nature to be toughest on those closest to us, which is why we pick fights with our mates more than anyone else.
Understanding how we communicate is the first step in actually communicating. There are three main styles: Aggressive communicators are harsh, interrupt others, and push their "rightness" (meta-message: "I'm cool and you're a dumbass"). Assertive communicators are firm in their beliefs while respecting different viewpoints (meta-message: "I'm cool and you're totally cool too, even if we disagree"). Passive communicators don't make their needs known, defer to others, and self-deprecate (meta-message: "I'm a hot mess, but you're cool, so make decisions for both of us").
Effective communication doesn't require a Tony Robbins retreat-it's just a skill that needs practice. Learn to communicate with "I statements": I feel... When you... What I want is... This approach makes you a grown-ass person taking responsibility rather than blaming your partner or expecting mind-reading.
Each verbal exchange has four critical levels: 1) What we mean to say-the actual idea we're trying to express; 2) What we actually say-rarely a perfect match to what's in our minds; 3) What the other person hears-filtered through their own perspective; 4) What the other person thinks you mean-often influenced by past experiences. Communication problems usually occur in at least one of these areas.
Even the best communicators have conflicts. The goal isn't conflict avoidance (that's just being a doormat) but conflict management. When things go sideways, consider whether the behavior is intentional, check if you're displacing anger from elsewhere, use humor rather than sniping, and beware Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and-most destructive of all-contempt.
Ask for what you need and negotiate on things that are straight up preferences. Communicate your rigid boundaries clearly and ask your partner about theirs. If you can't honor each other's needs, it may be time to end things. For preferences and idiosyncrasies that aren't deal-breakers, find compromises. Before fighting about something, assess the actual cost beyond irritation.
When infidelity occurs, approach it as trauma for both partners-obvious injury to the one cheated on, but also moral injury to the cheater who violated their own ethical code. Focus on information crucial to decision-making rather than painful details: Was the affair an "escape hatch" to end the relationship? Was it with someone of a different gender? Has it ended? Were substances involved? Was protection used? Understanding these factors helps determine what you're working with without getting lost in details that re-wound.
Chapter 13
Exploring Beyond Conventional Intimacy
Open relationships are greatly misunderstood by most people and nearly all media. Polyamory exists within the context of consent and boundaries, and represents a valid identity and way of being. While monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom (only 30% of primates and 3% of mammals), humans are uniquely wired for both monogamy and polyamory in a 50/50 split across all genders.
For navigating polyamory successfully: Both partners must know and consent-secret activities are cheating, not polyamory. Don't use polyamory to save a troubled relationship. Be open to considering it but don't be pressured. Create rules that work specifically for your relationship. Negotiate boundaries extensively and renegotiate as needed. Include secondary partners in negotiations when appropriate. Plan how to handle disclosure to others.
Similarly, whatever sexual interests intrigue you-from blindfolds to suspension to furries-don't make you weird. There's fascinating brain science behind our diverse sexual interests. A kink is simply an "unconventional" sexual behavior (though "conventional" varies by culture). A fetish is something psychologically necessary for sexual gratification, whether it's body parts, objects, or specific behaviors.
BDSM (Bondage/Domination/Sadism/Masochism) is about erotic control play, built on the "Three Cs": Consent (negotiated before and during interaction), Control (including the dom's self-control to ensure safety), and Communication (before, during, and after). Research shows 10-25% of people report being turned on by BDSM aspects, with most having fantasized about it. Surprisingly, BDSM practitioners tend to be more emotionally healthy than average-more open to experiences, extraverted, conscientious, and less neurotic.
Fantasies are mental images that don't necessarily reflect desires we want to act on-about 25% of our sexual fantasies involve things we don't actually want to try. Our brains process possibilities through storytelling, and fantasy is simply that-internal storytelling. Role-play allows exploring these fantasies safely, whether it's dressing as a firefighter or creating elaborate scenarios.
When partners have different sexual desires or preferences, there are options beyond simply ending the relationship. Never do anything you're uncomfortable with, as consent remains paramount. However, if you're comfortable accommodating your partner's interests without personal distress, that's the essence of partnership. Many polyamorous relationships function by addressing differential desires with consent and clear boundaries. Even without full polyamory, couples can find creative solutions: allowing a partner to engage in specific activities at clubs while the other watches or stays home, incorporating fantasy talk during sex, or using toys to provide stimulation one partner is uncomfortable providing directly.
