Chapter 4
Ladies Who Chap-Chat: Late Victorian Dating Innovations
The Married Women's Property Act of 1870 upended traditional power dynamics by allowing women to retain their inherited lands and houses after marriage. This eliminated the need for dowries and allowances, making marrying for love more viable among the elite. Meanwhile, the "free lovers" movement argued women should be afforded more sexual satisfaction if freed from the assumption that marriage and children were their highest calling.
Transportation innovations revolutionized Victorian dating possibilities. By 1852, England and Scotland boasted 6,600 miles of railway with 507 million tickets purchased by 1871. Trains enabled lovers to meet across distances while placing men and women in novel proximity within narrow carriages and dimly lit waiting rooms. Though ladies-only carriages existed, women frequently ventured into mixed or smoking carriages, sparking moral panic about their safety - which seemed more a reaction to women's increasing freedom than genuine concern.
Bicycles became the Victorian "New Woman's" emancipation tool. Initially, women rode tricycles in full skirts with chaperones, preserving modesty while sacrificing freedom. When two-wheelers emerged, women abandoned chaperones and ventured out alone, much to men's chagrin. Even Queen Victoria endorsed cycling by ordering machines "in the earliest days." Bicycles facilitated romance, with the 1897 "Lady Cycling" guide euphemistically noting people "pay surprise visits by moonlight - on bicycles..."
Photography revolutionized Victorian romance. The 1860s brought "carte de visites" - thin portrait prints exchanged as flirtation and collected in albums. Well-to-do women mixed celebrities' photos with friends and family, suggesting broader social connections. Erotic photographs reached peak demand in the 1880s, smuggled from French studios and distributed by England's first porn dealers. The 1888 Kodak camera allowed personal photography without studio visits, leading "photos exchanged" to appear in Lonely Hearts ads, which experienced revival between 1870-1900 with twenty dedicated publications.
Personal ads flourished in the late Victorian era, costing sixpence for forty words in publications like "Matrimonial News." Ads followed recognizable formats listing age, occupation, wealth-even financial difficulties-with working-class participation increasing by the 1880s. Marriage agencies emerged alongside personal ads, emphasizing discretion with "commodious private premises" for meetings.
While heterosexuals gained dating opportunities, LGBT individuals operated in secretive isolation. The 1861 Offences Against the Person Act removed the death penalty for buggery, but the 1885 Criminal Law Amendment Act criminalized "gross indecency" without specifying what constituted such acts. Oscar Wilde was imprisoned under this law despite being married to a woman. Anne Lister of Shibden Hall, known as "Gentleman Jack," documented her lesbian affairs in coded diaries. London hosted secret "drag balls" while alternative guides identified gay-friendly establishments.
Chapter 5
Buccaneer Boss-Brides and Maids on the Make: Edwardian Romance
The Edwardian era replaced Victorian romance with revelry, led by "Playboy Prince" Bertie who maintained a bombastic social scene despite scandals. His circle attracted both Parisian noblewomen and American "Buccaneer brides" - heiresses who found London society more accessible than New York's. These "self-made girls" brought strong bodies, good teeth, vivacity and flirtation skills that English aristocrats with empty coffers found irresistible.
Edwardian fashion demanded tasteful decorum despite the glamour of Buccaneer brides. Women achieved the signature silhouette with "s-shape" corsets creating a "pointer pigeon" bosom while hair dyeing and excessive makeup remained taboo. The "Gibson Girl" look - sporty with exaggerated curves - proved controversial, seen as either stylish or threatening to traditional femininity. Men followed "moderation in all things," wearing modest three-piece suits with minimal color.
Dating venues evolved across social classes. Music halls became acceptable for "good girls" with shows featuring actresses marrying nobility. Dancing exploded in popularity with American imports like the cakewalk, bunny hug, and turkey trot, followed by South American dances like the tango. Lower classes courted at Sunday bandstand performances, while upper classes maintained the London "season" where debutantes competed for Queen Alexandra's favor. At balls, men secured dance partners by writing initials on dance cards, with strict etiquette forbidding multiple dances with the same partner unless engaged.
Despite romantic opportunities, reputation protection remained vital. Being "cut" (socially ostracized) was a real risk for those flaunting affairs. Working-class women in service faced even stricter rules - nearly 40% were domestic servants forbidden from entertaining "followers" (romantic partners). Punishment ranged from reprimands to dismissal without references, often leaving prostitution as the only option for those dismissed.
Engagements remained highly formalized. Wealthy women's suitors were "duty bound" to ask parents' permission first. Men were advised to appear composed rather than obviously in love, and to propose in person rather than by letter. Engagement rings were to be "handsome, serviceable" and worn on the third finger of the left hand. Once engaged, couples were expected to show discretion rather than "selfish absorption" in each other.
The "New Woman" emerged demanding education, economic independence and sexual equality. She smoked, drove, wore practical clothing, and upended feminine expectations - even suggesting women might propose marriage. Despite public criticism, these women attracted certain men, particularly as they sought information about sex. Premarital sex was occurring, with contraception becoming available - rubber condoms in the 1870s and soluble pessaries in the 1880s.
Chapter 6
Khaki Fever and Ladies in Black: Romance During World War I
As war erupted across Europe, dating norms were upended while Victorian stereotypes persisted. The sight of men in uniform sparked "khaki fever" among young women aged thirteen to fifteen, alarming authorities as these "amateurs" pursued soldiers across class boundaries. Women were subjected to curfews and drinking prohibitions to control this behavior. In reality, this phenomenon reflected women's desire to participate in the war effort rather than mere sexual attraction.
Despite censorship under the Defence of the Realm Act, soldiers and sweethearts exchanged thousands of letters daily. By late 1914, soldiers without sweethearts advertised for pen pals in publications like The Link and T.P's Weekly. These "godmothers of war" corresponded with their "adopted sons" by the tens of thousands, concerning the Home Office about security risks. This correspondence led to the "hasty marriage scare" where couples who had never met arranged weddings, prompting the Liverpool Echo to question "Should soldiers propose to girls they have not seen?"
Wartime created new opportunities for both straight and gay relationships. Gay men could meet in London's Piccadilly, attend all-male parties, or frequent venues like the Golden Calf. Many soldiers engaged in same-sex physical affection without considering it homosexual, while military drag shows became popular entertainment. However, venereal disease plagued wartime romance, with over 100,000 soldiers hospitalized by 1916.
Two women's organizations emerged to police public behavior: the Women's Police Service and the Voluntary Women's Patrols. Founded by former suffragettes Margaret Damer Dawson and Mary Allen, the Women's Police Service had interventionist intentions, warning both sexes about immoral behavior. The Voluntary Women's Patrols wielded even more puritanical power, wearing special armbands and patrolling in pairs. By 1918, they became part of the Metropolitan Police with full arrest powers by 1923. These middle-aged women patrolled London parks with lanterns, separating couples, earning the nickname "interfering toads."
In 1914, merchant seamen from across the Empire settled in British port towns to support the war effort. Restricted to racially segregated boarding houses, these Chinese, Black and Asian sailors formed their own communities but mingled with working women no longer chaperoned by absent British men. They proved attractive companions - well-mannered, generous, fit and available. Many formed secret relationships and started families, though they were often forced to abandon them when authorities discovered these unions.
By war's end, there were over a million surplus women to every eligible man, but women's new economic independence and freedom from chaperones put them in a better position than ever to choose their own partners.
Chapter 7
Hasty Marriages and Petting Parties: The Roaring Twenties
Post-war Britain faced profound social change. Young men returned maimed, depressed or shell-shocked, if they returned at all. Economic depression culminated in the 1926 General Strike, making life bleak for most working people. Yet for the wealthy or beautiful, the "Bright Young Things" emerged - artists, writers and socialites with devil-may-care attitudes who engaged in treasure hunts, car chases, weekend orgies and all-night drinking.
Fashion gave the Bright Young Things stylistic freedom and notoriety. Flappers adopted short "bob" or "shingle" haircuts, previously worn only by prostitutes or nuns - a grave affront to femininity that newspapers warned would "leave girls single." Clothes emphasized boyish figures, abandoning corsets and bustles for dropped waists and raised hemlines. Women with larger breasts bandaged them to achieve the fashionable silhouette, using devices like the Symington Side Lacer.
The motorcar revolutionized dating, allowing couples to meet across distances and escape local scrutiny. "Asking a girl to Brighton meant sex" - a convenient seduction method. Parties were extravagant themed affairs held in swimming pools and country homes, with London's eleven thousand nightclubs serving as playgrounds.
Young working women flooded cities as journalists, secretaries and shop girls, using modest but disposable incomes to forge identities beyond traditional roles. Free from chaperones and family oversight, they could pursue men of their choosing despite the depleted male population. Jazz became the soundtrack to their liberation - originating in New Orleans' red-light district with "jazz" itself derived from a Black American term for sexual intercourse. Dances like the charleston, twinkle, camel walk, shimmy and vampire energized a generation eager to shed wartime blues.
Church dance halls became respectable meeting places across the country, preferred by parents over parks where premarital sex might occur. Dancing was affordable entertainment at just a couple of shillings, with afternoon tea dances particularly popular among women who often danced together before men arrived. Even soldiers stationed abroad were advised to overcome shyness through dancing classes.
Despite newfound freedoms, women soon discovered liberty had its limitations. Many turned to magazines for relationship advice, with columns like Mrs. Marryat's in Women's Weekly offering candid guidance. The prevailing message was clear: single women could be short-skirted, short-haired, smoking, drinking and career-focused, but future wives must be accommodating and sacrificial.
Marie Stopes revolutionized Britain's approach to sex when she published Married Love in 1918 - effectively the first sex manual. Initially rejected by publishers, it sold over 400,000 copies by 1923. Stopes advocated for conjugal pleasure within marriage after her own disastrous experience. Deeply concerned about working-class women's plight, she opened Britain's first birth control clinic in North Holloway in 1921, distributing her "Pro-Race" cervical caps.
Chapter 8
Monkey-Walkin' from Mumbles to Mumbai: The 1930s
The 1930s marked a return to traditional courtship after the experimental "jazzmanic" 1920s. Marriage rates rebounded strongly, with the average marriage age falling to twenty-five for women and twenty-seven for men by 1931. However, poverty significantly impacted dating habits during the economic depression, with dating becoming a luxury few could afford.
Fashion reflected changing social dynamics, with women's clothing becoming more modest than flapper styles, yet still asserting independence. Men generally continued to rely on well-fitting suits. While older generations viewed makeup as inappropriate, by 1935 the average Good Housekeeping reader spent over 15 annually on grooming. Women were increasingly adopting more practical, "tomboyish" fashions reflecting their growing equality.
Cinemas replaced dance halls as the prime dating location, with some 23 million Britons attending weekly by decade's end. Films like Gone With the Wind offered couples nearly four hours together, though censors strictly limited sexual content on screen. Meanwhile, sex education books became widely available by mail order, with titles like Ideal Marriage selling remarkably well.
By 1939, Mary Oliver and Heather Jenner established Britain's most successful matchmaking business, the Marriage Bureau, charging five guineas to join and attracting professionals seeking respectable introductions. As the decade closed, the looming threat of another war would soon transform dating practices yet again.
Chapter 9
Escaping Knickers and GI Games: Dating During World War II
With the Second World War came dramatic shifts in dating culture. Romance remained vital for morale-soldiers treasured bundles of letters and photographs from sweethearts, while Vera Lynn's sentimental broadcasts became essential listening. Military leave provided precious reunions, with soldiers receiving seven days off every three months plus travel time.
Despite hardships, social life continued. London venues like the 400 Club never emptied, and dancing became both emotional escape and legitimate excuse for physical contact. Women maintained femininity despite rationing by improvising-using gravy browning to imitate stockings and Vaseline for eye shadow. "Escaping knickers" became common as elastic shortages forced women to substitute buttons.
The arrival of 1.5 million American GIs into wartime Britain-dubbed "overpaid, oversexed, and over here"-dramatically transformed dating dynamics. These "film-star-ish young men" earned approximately 750 annually compared to British soldiers' 100, allowing them to shower local women with luxuries like nylons, chocolate, and cigarettes during Britain's austere rationing period.
Cultural differences created both confusion and attraction. British women were charmed by Americans who knew how to dance, joke, and compliment, while GIs found English girls refreshingly "passive" and "eager to please" compared to American women. The military attempted to manage these interactions through orientation pamphlets while establishing over two hundred "British Welcome Clubs" with pre-selected hostesses.
Racial tensions emerged when black American troops arrived, with white GIs spreading harmful rumors and fighting over British women who, according to Barbara Cartland, "ran after the black troops." Mixed-race relationships faced severe social opposition, with marriage between black GIs and white British women explicitly forbidden.
When American troops departed after D-Day, over 20,000 British women applied to be American wives, while others were left pregnant and dishonorably discharged. By war's end, adultery was so widespread that one bishop proposed a blanket pardon, while divorces skyrocketed from 7,995 in 1939 to over 60,000 by 1947, leading to the formation of the National Marriage Guidance Council.
Chapter 10
Gentlemen Prefer Condoms: The Post-War Era
Post-war Britain remained austere despite Prime Minister Harold Macmillan's assurance that "You've never had it so good." Dating was an expensive proposition for men-around 1 for a first date covering cinema tickets, meal, chocolates and bus fare-with uncertain returns. As one window cleaner complained after spending "thirty quid on a bird over Christmas. And got nowhere."
Dance halls remained the premier dating venues, with one in four couples finding love there according to a 1959 Gallup poll. Playwright Steven Berkoff vividly recalled the Tottenham Royal dance hall as "dream time" where young men demonstrated their "skill as a mover, grace, wit, balance and tricks" through jive dancing-"one of the greatest dance forms ever invented."
The arrival of rock and roll in 1955, when Bill Haley topped charts with "Rock Around the Clock" followed by Elvis's "Heartbreak Hotel," revolutionized dating culture. This "stomping emotional music" caused cinema riots and transformed romantic lyrics from lovelorn longing to short-term sexual excitement.
Hollywood offered alternative romantic narratives through diverse sex symbols like James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, and Gregory Peck. Their characters navigated complicated amorous escapades while still pursuing "happy ever after" endings. Films like "Roman Holiday" and "How to Marry a Millionaire" depicting class-crossing romances particularly captivated English audiences, for whom social mobility remained severely limited.
Princess Margaret, the original "People's Princess," embraced fashion trends like Dior's "New Look" and became the first royal photographed in swimwear. Despite her privilege, Margaret's love life was constrained by royal duty. She was forbidden to marry her beloved Captain Peter Townsend because he was divorced, unless she renounced her title, succession rights, and income.
Despite post-war liberalization, conservative values still dominated. The 1955 "Exploring English Character" survey found 52 percent opposed premarital sex for men and 63 percent for women. Marriage rates soared with the average age dropping to 22.6 for women and 25 for men-the lowest since the nineteenth century.
The 1950s saw more candid discussion of premarital sex. Leonora Eyles' boldly titled "Sex for the Engaged" addressed class differences in relationships and offered surprisingly modern advice about maintaining individuality while dating. The newly founded NHS supported the Family Planning Association by 1955, with clinics dispensing diaphragms and condoms nationwide, helping reduce illegitimacy rates.
Mixed-race relationships weren't new to the 1950s, but a 1950 UNESCO ruling confirming no biological danger in interracial marriages and the welcoming of Commonwealth immigrants created a more accepting climate. Nevertheless, discrimination remained legal-"no blacks or Irish" rental signs were common, and some dance halls still operated color bars.
Chapter 11
Sex and the Singles Whirl: The Swinging Sixties
In 1963, two brunettes became unwitting symbols of the "new morality": Elizabeth Taylor, whose affair with Richard Burton was deliberately publicized to promote Cleopatra, and Christine Keeler, whose affair with War Secretary John Profumo caused scandal not just for the illicit sex but because her connection to a Soviet spy threatened national security.
The 1960s revealed a stark divide between London and the rest of Britain. From miniskirts to Bond girls, the capital exported a frisky image worldwide. By 1970, Britain had approximately fifty serious communes where free love, once the preserve of the Bloomsbury set, had been revived by a new bohemian elite. However, most people still prioritized finding a respectable partner to marry.
As contraception became more accessible, concerns grew about younger teens becoming sexually active earlier. However, Michael Schofield's 1965 research showed chaste kissing was usually the first heterosexual contact, followed by various petting activities, with penetrative sex occurring relatively late. By age fifteen, only about one in twenty boys and one in fifty girls "went all the way."
In the 1960s, youth clubs replaced dance halls as the premier meeting places, with membership reaching an all-time high of 204,785 in 1963. Taking your date home was crucial-either for furtive snogging or to impress parents. This practice mattered significantly: by the late 1960s, 47 percent of boys and 34 percent of girls had met their future in-laws within the first week of dating.
Mary Quant's miniskirt became more than a metaphor for the permissive society-it tangibly impacted dating behaviors. Most men had never seen so much everyday flesh, creating debates about whether women who wore them were suitable partners. Miniskirts could provoke family disputes and even legal issues; in Spain, police fined miniskirted tourists for "offenses against public morality."
The early 1960s saw a revolution in relationship advice with the launch of magazines like Honey, Jackie, and Fabulous, plus Helen Gurley Brown's bestseller Sex and the Single Girl. Unlike previous guides, Brown's book celebrated singlehood "in superlative style" and positioned economic and spiritual independence as prerequisites for attracting quality partners.
The sexual revolution wasn't universally celebrated. Many feminists viewed it as a male scheme to exploit women without commitment. Marianne Faithfull admitted she only managed to have sex with the help of drink or drugs, while Time reporter Andrea Adam embraced sexual experimentation as "part of my growth as a human being, as a woman and as a feminist."
A technological revolution in dating began in 1959 when Stanford engineering students designed "Operation Match," using the IBM 7090 computer to pair compatible singles. Participants completed paper questionnaires and mailed them with $3, receiving printouts of matches' names and phone numbers. Within six months of its 1965 launch, 90,000 questionnaires had been processed, generating $270,000 in profit.
Chapter 12
The Joy of Vexing Mary Whitehouse: The 1970s
The 1970s marked the true sexual revolution that the 1960s had merely prepared. In 1970, unmarried couples still couldn't book double rooms at Claridge's, yet the Sun published its first topless model and Germaine Greer released The Female Eunuch. This decade would see dramatic shifts in sexual attitudes, media representation, and relationship norms as traditional barriers continued to fall.
Jackie magazine became a cultural force for teenage girls, selling over half a million copies per issue by 1976. While not radical, its chatty tone created a loyal readership, offering much-needed guidance when sex education in schools remained minimal. The magazine took adolescent relationships seriously, categorizing "problem boys" into types like "The Hard type," "The Lady Killer," and "The Plain Rotten type."
Forum magazine offered intellectually sophisticated coverage of sexuality with political undertones. Launched in 1965, it reached tens of thousands of subscribers by the early 1970s, though typically delivered in discreet brown envelopes. Articles covered everything from impotence and group sex to the Pill's risks, while investigating topics like hypnotic breast enlargement, anal sex, and women's brothels.
Television's growing influence, particularly through shows like Top of the Pops, transformed sexual expression and gender presentation. When Mark Bolan appeared wearing glitter, working-class men across Britain soon sported shoulder-length locks. David Bowie's 1972 Melody Maker interview declaring his bisexuality was revolutionary, coming just five years after homosexuality's legalization.
When Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch ideas spread through society, women were expected to embrace multiple sexual partners without attachment as rejection of societal norms. However, many women found this unsatisfying, and virginity remained highly prized. As teenager Chris Arthur recalled, his girlfriend "would let me do practically anything I wanted, as long as it did not involve actual intercourse" due to a "superstitious regard for virginity."
Television brought sexual content into conservative homes through shows like The Sweeney, Bouquet of Barbed Wire, and I, Claudius, which attracted up to twenty million viewers with plots featuring orgies and incest. While drama received a "titillating pass," serious examinations of sexuality remained taboo - Thames TV pulled a seven-part series called Sex In Our Time in 1976 due to concerns about showing women examining their own cervixes.
In 1971, the Observer began running ads for "Dateline," Britain's computer-dating company that promised access to fifty thousand potential matches. The system ran on an expensive IBM System 3 computer with questionnaires designed by experts. Founder John Patterson expanded into Singles magazine and a travel agency before his death in 1998, when Dateline sold for nearly 1.5 million.
Though associated with the 1960s, the Pill's widespread social impact came in the 1970s when Harold Wilson abolished prescription charges for birth control and Family Planning Association clinics joined the NHS. By decade's end, eight out of ten young women had taken the Pill. Research revealed contradictory attitudes - a 1974 Forum magazine survey showed young women held anxious opinions about virginity, yet three-quarters of women married between 1971-1975 admitted to premarital sex with their husbands.
Chapter 13
Appy Ever After? Dating in the Digital Age
As the new millennium dawned, traditional media fretted over women "refusing to commit" while simultaneously warning against "McSex" - soulless encounters without commitment. Despite Daily Mail panic about women "leaving it too late" and "preferring loneliness," the interviewed women appeared confident and content with their choices. Marriage and motherhood were no longer primary dating motivators.
The LGBTQI community found unprecedented legal recognition during this period. The 2004 Gender Recognition Act granted trans people full legal recognition, later strengthened by the 2010 Equality Act protecting those undergoing gender reassignment. In 2000, armed forces lifted their ban on LGBT service members. After conflicts with the House of Lords, 2001 saw homosexual age of consent reduced from eighteen to sixteen. The 2004 Civil Partnership Act granted same-sex couples equivalent rights to married couples across the UK. By 2014, the UK government finally legalized gay marriage.
Partnership rights secured, finding one's happily-ever-after moved to cyberspace. The dot.com boom exploded dating opportunities through social networking. Skype and Myspace launched in 2003, with users quickly repurposing the latter as a free dating service. Programs like DatingAnyone combed profiles for relationship status changes-legitimate cyber-stalking. Facebook's 2004 launch raised the bar for romantic introductions.
Broadband internet brought porn proliferation, raising new questions about fidelity. "Is porn cheating?" became a regular media debate. Performance anxiety grew as both men and women felt they couldn't measure up to adult content. By decade's end, consensus formed that excessive porn consumption damaged core relationships.
Neil Strauss's autobiographical tale of the Pick Up Artist movement morphed into a handbook for awkward men seeking fail-proof tactics to use on women with low self-esteem. Techniques included "sarging" (actively cruising for women), the "Neg" (backhanded compliments designed to make women crave positive attention), and "Kino" (brief touching to stimulate desire). Despite being recognized as tools for men without charisma or social skills, The Game sold over two million copies and spawned a sequel.
Tinder, launched in 2011 by USC undergraduates Sean Rad and Justin Mateen, transformed dating with its game-like interface. By 2014, it had fifty million users averaging age twenty-seven and a valuation approaching $1 billion. Its brazen efficiency-swiping left to reject or right to match-whittled courtship to Neanderthalic essentials, even spawning "Tinderitis" (repetitive strain from excessive swiping).
Dating technology continues evolving beyond mere matchmaking. Teledildonics-interactive sex toys allowing remote physical connection-help maintain long-distance relationships. Virtual Reality dating promises to connect lovers in other-dimensional spaces. Most significantly, the internet has transformed how people self-define sexuality. Where once those with unconventional desires had to rely on coded messages in underground magazines, now anyone can simply Google their preferences, making non-binary love increasingly normalized.
Transgender visibility through celebrities like Laverne Cox and Caitlin Jenner has critically broadened our conceptions of gender and love. Media representations like BBC's "Boy Meets Girl" show trans relationships beyond pornographic stereotypes. This blurring of gender categories positively affects sexual equality - exemplified by CoverGirl appointing seventeen-year-old makeup artist James Charles as their first male spokesperson.
Despite dating apps gamifying romance, bespoke matchmaking services are resurging. Yet no service can predict chemistry - though pheromones might help. The 1995 "sweaty T-shirt test" at University of Bern found women consistently attracted to immune systems different from their own. Now, "Smell Dating" offers a mail-order T-shirt service where participants select matches based on scent preference. While chemistry matters, online dating has become the norm and statistically reliable - an eHarmony study of 19,131 people found couples who met online reported greater relationship satisfaction and fewer divorces.
