Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber Summary

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a parenting guide offering strategies to reduce conflict between siblings, foster cooperation, and build lifelong positive relationships. It emphasizes acknowledging children’s emotions, avoiding comparisons, and addressing rivalry through practical tools like creative problem-solving and conflict mediation. The book combines real-life examples, workshops, and diagrams to teach parents how to nurture mutual respect and individuality.

This book is ideal for parents, caregivers, or educators navigating sibling conflicts. It’s particularly valuable for those seeking actionable methods to address jealousy, competition, or communication breakdowns. Faber and Mazlish’s techniques—like reframing negative feelings and promoting collaboration—are tailored for families aiming to create a calmer, more supportive home environment.

Yes. Praised for its readability and practical advice, the book provides timeless strategies validated by decades of use. Parents report reduced fighting and improved sibling bonds after applying its tools, such as validating emotions instead of dismissing them. Its workshop-style approach, with dialogue examples and exercises, makes complex concepts accessible.

Key ideas include:

• Acknowledging feelings: Instead of dismissing statements like “I hate my sister,” parents learn to reflect emotions (“You sound really angry”).
• Avoiding comparisons: Describing behavior without referencing siblings (e.g., “Your room needs tidying” vs. “Why can’t you be neat like your brother?”).
• Individual treatment: Meeting each child’s unique needs rather than enforcing strict equality.

• On comparisons: “The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him” (p55).
• On achievements: “The passion you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for siblings to hear” (p59).

The authors advise against comparisons in academics, chores, or behavior. For example, they suggest keeping report cards private unless siblings choose to share them. Parents are urged to celebrate achievements one-on-one to avoid fueling jealousy. Instead of praising one child’s success, focus on effort: “You worked hard on that project!”

Some note the scenarios oversimplify complex dynamics, and strategies may require consistency to work. Critics also highlight its 1990s origins, though its core principles remain relevant. A few parents find the dialogue examples unrealistic but appreciate the framework for adapting techniques.

Both books by Faber and Mazlish emphasize empathetic communication, but Siblings zeroes in on rivalry-specific challenges. While How to Talk covers broader parent-child interactions, Siblings delves into shared parenting pitfalls like labeling or unequal praise. They complement each other but can be read independently.

Labeling (e.g., “the athletic one”) risks pigeonholing children and fostering resentment. The book recommends neutral descriptions: Instead of “You’re so artistic,” say, “I notice you spent hours on that drawing.” This avoids limiting self-perception and reduces sibling competition for roles.

Parents are taught to:

1. Stop hurtful actions: “I can’t let you hit.”
2. Acknowledge emotions: “You both sound furious!”
3. Guide problem-solving: “How can you both get what you need safely?” This approach models calm intervention without taking sides.

While focused on childhood dynamics, its principles—like avoiding comparisons and validating emotions—apply to adult relationships. Techniques for mediating disputes or reframing grudges can help repair strained bonds, though the book primarily targets parents of younger kids.

1. Validate all feelings, even negative ones.
2. Never compare siblings—focus on individual behavior.
3. Intervene calmly in conflicts to teach resolution skills.
4. Celebrate achievements privately to avoid rivalry.
5. Reject labels that limit children’s self-image.