Who should read *Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) - A Study Guide for Women*?

This study guide targets Christian women seeking to navigate purity culture or manage temptations related to lust. It’s ideal for individual reflection, small groups, or church classes, particularly those familiar with Joshua Harris’s *I Kissed Dating Goodbye* or invested in evangelical teachings on sexuality.

Is *Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)* worth reading?

For readers aligned with conservative evangelical teachings, the guide offers structured spiritual tools. However, those critiquing purity culture may find its approach outdated, given broader societal shifts. Its value depends on theological perspective and interest in Shannon Harris’s earlier work before her public reassessment of these ideals.

What are the main concepts in *Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)*?

Key ideas include: - Lust as a spiritual issue requiring repentance and accountability. - Gender-specific strategies for resisting temptation. - The role of community and scripture in achieving purity. - Emphasis on Jesus’s transformative power over sin.

How does the study guide address women’s struggles with lust?

It combines biblical analysis with practical exercises, urging women to identify triggers, pursue accountability partnerships, and reframe desires through prayer. The material avoids stigmatizing sexuality while advocating for self-control aligned with evangelical values.

What is Shannon Harris’s role in co-authoring this guide?

Shannon Harris contributed as a co-author during her time as a pastor’s wife and conservative Christian figure. Her later memoir, *The Woman They Wanted*, critiques the gender roles and theological constraints she experienced, contrasting with this guide’s stance.

How does this book relate to Joshua Harris’s *I Kissed Dating Goodbye*?

Both works emerged from the 1990s-2000s purity culture movement. While *I Kissed Dating Goodbye* focused on relational boundaries, this study guide tackles lust directly, extending the Harrises’ teachings to women’s experiences.

What are criticisms of *Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)*?

Critics argue it perpetuates shame-based theology and oversimplifies complex human sexuality. Its approach has been reevaluated amid broader rejections of purity culture, notably by Shannon Harris herself in her post-divorce memoir.

Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) Summary

A Study Guide for Women

Shannon Harris & Joshua Harris

4.11(111 Reviews)

Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) Summary Overview

Redefining Christian sexuality, Joshua Harris's influential guide tackles lust with grace, not shame. Endorsed by theologian John Piper, it sparked vital conversations about purity within evangelical communities. Can spiritual wisdom transform your relationship with desire more effectively than willpower alone?

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Chapter 1

When Lust Disguises Itself as Love

In a world saturated with sexual imagery and distorted messages about desire, Shannon Harris's "Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is): A Study Guide for Women" stands as a countercultural beacon. This thoughtful adaptation of her husband Josh Harris's original work has become a quiet revolution in Christian women's circles, offering a refreshingly honest approach to female sexuality and lust. Unlike many Christian resources that either ignore women's sexual struggles or speak in vague euphemisms, Harris addresses these challenges with remarkable candor and grace. The guide has been embraced by women's ministries across denominations, with many reporting transformative results when implemented in small accountability groups. What makes this work particularly powerful is its rejection of both shame-based purity culture and secular permissiveness, instead offering a third way: seeing sexuality as God's beautiful gift while recognizing the destructive power of lust when it operates outside divine boundaries.

Chapter 2

Reframing the Conversation: Lust as a Universal Human Challenge

The study guide's foundational premise challenges the common misconception that lust is primarily a male problem. Instead, it establishes lust as a universal human sin that affects everyone regardless of gender or marital status. This perspective shift creates space for honest conversation about female sexuality without shame or embarrassment. Women often struggle silently with sexual temptation, believing they're alone or somehow abnormal, when in fact their experiences are deeply human and shared across cultures and generations. God's standard for sexual purity is uncompromising-"not even a hint" of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3). This high calling quickly reveals our inability to overcome lust through willpower alone. The battle isn't about destroying sexual desire but redirecting it toward God's pure purposes. There's a crucial distinction between sexuality (God's good design) and lust (craving what God forbids). Sexuality encompasses physical attraction, romantic desire, and marital intimacy - all good gifts from God. Lust, however, corrupts these gifts by demanding satisfaction outside God's boundaries, whether through pornography, emotional affairs, or inappropriate fantasies. The guide emphasizes that fighting lust requires confidence in God's total forgiveness through Christ. When we understand that Jesus has already paid for our sexual sins, we're motivated by gratitude rather than fear or obligation. This grace-based approach provides both the motivation and power to pursue holiness. Rather than seeing God as a disapproving judge, we can approach Him as a loving Father who understands our struggles and provides the strength to overcome them. What makes this framework revolutionary is how it sidesteps both legalism and permissiveness. Instead of rules-based religion or "anything goes" morality, it offers a third way: embracing sexuality as good while recognizing boundaries as protective rather than restrictive. This balanced perspective helps women navigate sexual temptation without denying their God-given desires or indulging them inappropriately. It acknowledges that sexual desire itself isn't sinful - it's the context and expression that matters. Why does this matter? Because when we misunderstand the problem, we apply the wrong solution. Seeing lust as merely a male issue leaves women without resources for their own struggles. Viewing sexuality itself as the enemy creates unnecessary shame and can lead to dysfunctional relationships and marriages. Only by correctly identifying lust-not sex-as the problem can we find true freedom. This understanding enables women to develop healthy attitudes toward their sexuality while maintaining biblical standards of purity. The framework also addresses practical challenges women face in today's hypersexualized culture. From romantic novels to social media, women encounter unique temptations that require specific strategies and support. By acknowledging these struggles openly, the guide creates a foundation for authentic accountability and growth in community with other believers.

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Chapter 3

The Beautiful Gift: Embracing Sexuality While Rejecting Lust

God designed sexual desire as fundamentally good-a reflection of being created in His image. This section confronts the misplaced shame many women feel about their sexuality itself, which can distract from addressing actual sin. From the creation story in Genesis to the passionate poetry of Song of Solomon, Scripture repeatedly affirms sexuality as a divine gift meant to be celebrated within proper boundaries. Our sexuality is deeply intertwined with our creativity and human desire to continue life. Just as God creates and brings forth new life, our sexual nature reflects this creative impulse. The guide examines biblical passages affirming sexuality's goodness while warning that feeling ashamed of being sexual can leave one overwhelmed, essentially "trying to stop being human." This perspective liberates women to appreciate their sexual nature without guilt, recognizing it as part of God's intentional design for human flourishing. However, while sexuality is God's gift, indulging every desire is sinful. Lust originates from within our hearts, offends God, and can never be satisfied-it always grows and demands more. Like a fire that consumes everything in its path, unchecked sexual desire distorts relationships and destroys intimacy. We cannot bargain with lust and win because its goal is the very act of desiring rather than any particular object. This endless cycle of wanting more leads to spiritual emptiness rather than fulfillment. Christians embrace sexuality differently-neither obeying every impulse nor denying sexual desires exist. Instead, they practice both restraint and gratefulness, turning quickly to God in prayer when facing temptation. This balanced approach recognizes the goodness of desire while acknowledging its potential for corruption. It involves developing healthy boundaries, accountability relationships, and spiritual disciplines that strengthen self-control without promoting shame. Consider how this plays out in everyday life: when sexual thoughts arise, the question isn't "How do I stop being attracted?" but rather "How do I honor God with this attraction?" The difference is subtle but profound-one approach denies our humanity while the other channels it toward wholeness. This might mean appreciating beauty without objectifying, acknowledging attraction while choosing appropriate responses, or celebrating marriage's sexual intimacy while respecting its boundaries. What makes this perspective powerful is its affirmation of women as sexual beings without reducing them to sexual objects. In a culture that either hypersexualizes women or ignores their sexuality entirely, this middle path offers dignity, agency, and responsibility. It acknowledges that women can be both passionate and pure, embracing their God-given sexuality while exercising wisdom and discretion in its expression. This balanced understanding helps women navigate relationships with confidence, neither driven by shame nor controlled by impulse. The key lies in recognizing that our sexuality, like all God's gifts, requires stewardship. Just as we manage our time, talents, and resources, we must also manage our sexual nature with wisdom and grace. This includes understanding appropriate boundaries, developing emotional intelligence, and maintaining physical and spiritual disciplines that support healthy sexuality within God's design.

Chapter 4

Breaking Free from Self-Salvation: The Futility of Legalism

Many women attempt to overcome lust through sheer willpower or rigid rule-following, creating elaborate systems of dos and don'ts. They might institute strict internet filters, avoid certain locations, or create detailed accountability systems. While these tools can be helpful, this lesson addresses the fundamental futility of such legalistic self-sufficiency, emphasizing that true sanctification comes through God's power because He has already justified us. Trying to overcome lust through human strength alone is not only ineffective but can actually distance us from God. Women often find themselves trapped in cycles of trying harder, failing, and then doubling down on their efforts - leading to exhaustion and despair. Legalism attempts to add to Christ's finished work, seeking to relate to God through our own efforts rather than through Jesus's mediation. This manifests in various ways: excessive rule-making, comparing ourselves to others, or believing God's love depends on our performance. The guide carefully distinguishes between justification (God's once-for-all act of declaring us righteous through faith) and sanctification (the ongoing process of becoming holy). Justification is a completed legal declaration, while sanctification is a gradual transformation. Pursuing holiness isn't about earning salvation but responding to God's finished work. The gospel frees believers to fulfill their created purpose: enjoying and glorifying God without the burden of earning His approval. The Holy Spirit guides believers to live in holy freedom along a narrow path between two dangerous ravines: legalism on one side and sinful indulgence on the other. Even good spiritual practices like accountability, Bible study, or prayer can be misused - either applied legalistically as a means of earning God's favor or dismissed entirely as unnecessary. Reliance on Scripture and the Spirit helps avoid both extremes, teaching us to use spiritual disciplines as means of grace rather than merit badges. This framework fundamentally transforms how we approach sexual temptation. Instead of asking "What rules must I follow to be pure?" we ask "How can I respond to God's grace with grateful obedience?" The first question leads to either pride (when we succeed) or despair (when we fail); the second leads to humble dependence and sustainable growth. It shifts our focus from behavior modification to heart transformation. What makes this approach powerful is how it addresses the heart beliefs behind our actions. Many women exhaust themselves trying to be "good enough" while never addressing the underlying beliefs driving their behavior - fears of rejection, desires for control, or misunderstandings about God's character. True transformation begins when we stop trying to save ourselves and start trusting the One who already has, allowing His perfect love to cast out fear and reshape our desires. The path to freedom comes through understanding that Christ's work is complete, our acceptance is secure, and our growth comes through cooperation with His Spirit rather than independent striving. This truth liberates us to pursue holiness from a place of acceptance rather than for acceptance.

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Chapter 5

Custom-Tailored Battle Plans: Addressing Your Unique Vulnerabilities

Every woman's struggle with lust is unique, requiring personalized strategies rather than one-size-fits-all approaches. This section guides readers to identify their specific vulnerabilities and develop focused, practical plans to address these weak points. Just as God created each person with unique personalities and strengths, each woman also has unique vulnerabilities to temptation. The guide warns against comparing oneself to others, which can lead to false confidence about being "above lust" simply because one doesn't struggle in the same ways as others. To identify specific vulnerabilities, women are encouraged to examine three categories: • Times of day/week/year when they face difficult sexual temptation • Locations they need to avoid or limit time in • Sources of sexual temptation they find difficult to resist The guide emphasizes that major sins are often triggered by smaller compromises that weren't guarded against. Knowledge alone won't create change-specific and dramatic action is required, drawing constantly on God's strength and wisdom. Rather than trying to address all vulnerabilities simultaneously, women are advised to select just one area to focus on initially. This approach prevents overwhelm and increases the likelihood of success. Daily prayer about the plan and sharing it with trusted Christian friends provides accountability and support. This personalized approach acknowledges the complexity of sexual temptation. For one woman, the challenge might be romance novels that fuel unrealistic expectations and fantasies. For another, it might be certain music that triggers memories of past relationships. By identifying these specific triggers, women can develop targeted strategies rather than generic rules. What makes this framework effective is its practicality. Instead of vague exhortations to "be pure," it provides concrete steps tailored to individual circumstances. This specificity transforms abstract spiritual concepts into actionable daily choices.

Chapter 6

Understanding the Complementary Design: Men, Women, and Sexual Temptation

This section examines the different ways men and women experience sexual temptation while affirming that both genders struggle with lust. Understanding these differences helps believers support one another in pursuing sexual purity. God designed male and female sexuality to be wonderfully complementary: men are visually oriented while women are beautiful; men are initiators while women enjoy being pursued. Men's lust tends to be more obvious but not necessarily more sinful-men are more visually oriented with more blatant expressions, while women's lust tends to be more refined and subtle. Lust distorts true masculinity and femininity in harmful ways-making a man's good desire to pursue about "capturing" and "using," and a woman's desire to be beautiful about "seduction" and "manipulation." Men are generally tempted by the pleasure lust offers, while women are tempted by the power lust promises. The guide warns that women can commit "pornography with their lives" when dressing and behaving primarily to arouse sexual desire in men. Christian women are encouraged to carefully consider their dress and behavior, not out of legalistic obligation but out of love for their brothers in Christ. Our membership in God's family must transform our view of the opposite sex-we're called to give, love, and care for one another rather than trying to get something from each other. The opposite sex should be viewed as family-men and women created in God's image whom Christ died to save. This perspective offers a refreshing alternative to both secular gender wars and religious gender stereotyping. Instead of seeing the opposite sex as either adversaries or objects, we're invited to see them as family members deserving respect and care. What makes this approach powerful is how it balances personal responsibility with communal support. Women are neither blamed for men's lust nor absolved of responsibility for their own choices. Instead, all believers are called to help one another pursue holiness through thoughtful consideration of how their actions affect others.

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Chapter 7

Confronting Self-Centered Sexuality: The Heart of Masturbation

The guide tackles the often-avoided topic of female masturbation with remarkable candor and grace. Rather than focusing exclusively on the act itself, it addresses the heart issues behind it and offers practical guidance for those struggling in this area. God must be at the center of our sexuality. Christians often obsess over the act of masturbation while neglecting the more important issues of the heart. While lust is serious and masturbation is one expression of a lustful heart, inflating its importance can cause us to overlook God's work in us or ignore other serious expressions of lust that need addressing. The section examines common arguments about masturbation: that it's natural and doesn't affect spirituality; that one can masturbate without lusting; and that it's necessary while single. It emphasizes that sex belongs to God, who has authority to dictate how it should be expressed, and that we need to understand God's purpose for sex, not just His rules. Scripture reveals God's design for sex within marriage (Proverbs 5:15-23, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Hebrews 13:4). Masturbation fundamentally contradicts this design by making sex a solo activity rather than a unifying experience between spouses. It trains our bodies and minds to associate sexual pleasure with self-focus rather than self-giving love. The guide acknowledges that God wants our undivided passion and heart. As our minds are renewed by His Word and we put away wrong thinking, lust's power will weaken, though complete change takes time and effort. Women are encouraged to develop practical safeguards against masturbation and plan how to respond after failure by turning to God's grace (Hebrews 4:14-16; 1 John 1:9). What makes this approach powerful is its focus on the heart rather than mere behavior modification. Instead of simply saying "don't do this," it addresses why we're drawn to self-centered sexuality and how God offers something better. This heart-centered approach leads to lasting change rather than temporary behavior management.

Chapter 8

Media Discernment: Recognizing Subtle Influences

Entertainment media poses subtle dangers by bypassing reason and targeting our affections directly. This section helps women develop discernment about their media consumption and take practical steps to guard their hearts. The entertainment world shapes us from our formative years, making its influence easy to overlook. Media can stir emotions that bypass rational thinking, making evil look appealing without making any explicit argument. Even seemingly innocent shows can subtly undermine biblical truth and conviction through their cumulative effect on our attitudes toward God, responsibility, integrity, and relationships. True discernment means evaluating media by whether it hardens our hearts toward God, obscures sin's ugliness, or diminishes spiritual hunger. Scripture provides clear guidance through passages like 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22, Ephesians 5:1-4, and Psalm 101:2-4. We must honestly assess whether entertainment increases our body's authority over our mind, makes sin attractive, promotes evil messages, or uses evil methods. Discernment without action is worthless. Simply disapproving of content while still consuming it is like saying calories don't count if you don't enjoy them. Women must develop practical strategies for choosing entertainment more carefully, recognizing that walking with God is essential while entertainment is not. When faced with peer pressure to watch inappropriate content, we need courage to tactfully guard our hearts while potentially helping others guard theirs too. Setting boundaries isn't a sacrifice when compared to the joy of knowing God without hindrances. What makes this approach powerful is its balance between legalism and license. Instead of providing rigid rules about acceptable media, it offers principles for discernment that can be applied across changing cultural contexts. This equips women to make wise choices not just about current media but about whatever new forms of entertainment may emerge in the future.

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Chapter 9

The Power of Community: Why We Can't Fight Alone

The Christian life was designed to be lived in community, not isolation. This fundamental truth becomes especially critical when battling sexual temptation and pursuing holiness. God's design for spiritual growth intentionally includes interdependence with other believers, reflecting both our vulnerability as individuals and the strength found in unity. Isolation makes us particularly vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. Satan, like a prowling lion, strategically targets those who have separated themselves from the protection of the flock. We need others in multiple vital ways: to speak God's truth when we're believing lies, to pray fervently for us during moments of intense temptation, to hold onto hope for us when we're ready to give up, and to lovingly challenge us when we're rationalizing or indulging in sin. Scripture repeatedly emphasizes this through passages like Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ("Two are better than one... if either of them falls, one can help the other up") and Hebrews 3:12-13 ("Encourage one another daily... so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness"). The local church must be central, not peripheral, to our lives. It provides the spiritual leadership, teaching, worship, and growth opportunities God designed for our development. Within this context, women struggling with lust need to recognize they're not alone - studies suggest that approximately 30% of Christian women battle pornography or sexual addiction. Pride often prevents many from reaching out, but this isolation only perpetuates the cycle of shame and defeat. Effective accountability requires avoiding common pitfalls. True repentance involves more than mere confession - it demands a genuine change of heart and a decisive turn away from sin, demonstrated over time through consistent choices to mortify sinful desires. When confessing sin, we must hold two truths in tension: the seriousness of our sin and the vastness of God's grace and mercy. Focusing exclusively on guilt often leads to despair rather than transformation, while remembering God's grace provides the hope and strength needed for change. Establishing accountability relationships requires careful consideration. The process begins with humility - being willing to share struggles with another woman, trusting James 4:6's promise that God gives more grace to the humble. When selecting accountability partners, look for spiritual maturity, discretion, and wisdom. Groups should remain small (ideally 2-4 people) to maintain intimacy and trust. Regular meetings should begin promptly after forming the group, with clear expectations about frequency, confidentiality, and the format of discussions. This approach proves powerful because it aligns with God's design for spiritual growth through relationship rather than isolation. In our modern culture that prizes independence, privacy, and self-sufficiency, this countercultural emphasis on interdependence and transparency offers a path to genuine transformation that self-help approaches cannot provide. Through intentional community, women find not only accountability but also encouragement, prayer support, and practical wisdom for walking in victory.

Chapter 10

The Harvest Principle: Sowing Daily to the Spirit

The principle of sowing and reaping applies to our spiritual lives. Daily choices either sow to the flesh or to the Spirit, with corresponding harvests of destruction or righteousness. Rather than making resistance to sexual temptation our primary focus, we should prioritize sowing to the Spirit through daily communion with God. What we see in our spiritual lives today directly results from what we've sown in the past. Small sinful indulgences lead to destructive harvests, while small acts of spiritual discipline produce righteousness. According to Galatians 6:7-9, there are no exceptions to this principle-our actions cannot be separated from their consequences. Communing daily with God through reading His Word, prayer, and self-examination is among the most essential ways to sow to the Spirit. Rather than making overcoming lust our primary preoccupation, we should focus on knowing God, worshiping Him, and meeting with Him daily. This relationship with the Creator is our highest privilege and priority. Success in making daily time with God a priority requires a specific plan with dedicated time, place, and structure. Through consistent Bible reading, prayer, and self-examination, believers can establish habits that lead to spiritual growth. Though challenging, the persevering fight leads to unspeakable beauty and the freedom of holiness. Scripture is the only weapon that can successfully fight off lust. Like a soldier would be foolish to go into battle without his weapon, Christians are equally foolish to fight lust without God's Word. Scripture cuts through confusion, reveals wrong desires, unmasks deception, and counters false promises of lust with God's true promises. What makes this approach powerful is its positive focus. Instead of merely avoiding sin, women are invited to actively pursue God. This shift from negative prohibition to positive pursuit transforms the battle against lust from a draining struggle to an energizing journey toward deeper intimacy with God. In the end, the harvest principle reminds us that holiness isn't achieved through occasional heroic efforts but through consistent daily choices. Just as a farmer doesn't produce a crop in a single day of frantic activity but through months of faithful tending, spiritual growth comes through patient, persistent cultivation of our relationship with God.

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Key Themes in the Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) Summary

female sexual purity
christian accountability groups
overcoming lust
grace-based holiness
biblical sexuality

Best Quotes from the Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) Summary

Sex is not the problem; lust is.
Lust is a heart issue.
Lust originates from within our hearts, offends God, and can never be satisfied.
The battle isn't about destroying sexual desire but redirecting it toward God's pure purposes.
Only by correctly identifying lust-not sex-as the problem can we find true freedom.

Characters in the Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) Summary

Shannon HarrisAuthor who adapted the study guide for women
Joshua HarrisAuthor of the original work on which the book is based

About the Author

Shannon Harris, author of Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) – A Study Guide for Women, is a Christian author, musician, and advocate for redefining spiritual identity beyond patriarchal norms. Her work explores themes of faith, marriage, and self-discovery within evangelical communities, drawing from her personal experience as the former wife of Joshua Harris, bestselling author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Her memoir, The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife (2023), details her journey through the purity culture movement and her path to reclaiming autonomy, earning acclaim for its candid critique of restrictive gender roles.

Joshua Harris, a former pastor and influential figure in 1990s evangelicalism, gained prominence for I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which sold over 1 million copies and shaped Christian courtship ideologies before he publicly disavowed it in 2018. Together, their works reflect evolving dialogues on faith, relationships, and personal agency in modern Christianity.

Shannon’s insights have been featured in outlets like Sojourners, while Joshua’s legacy remains a touchstone in critiques of purity culture. I Kissed Dating Goodbye has been translated into 15+ languages.

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BeFreed has become my daily app for audio books tools... What I like the most is the way you put your text and come with an audio that you can listen on the go.

@kotanzu1

I love the fact that I can get useful, condensed, information and ideas in a 8 - 15 minute podcast style audio. I'm not a general fan of podcasts because of all the fluff, but this cuts through all that.

@BeFreed user

I am finishing up my doctorate, and have to read a lot of unfamiliar material... With BeFreed, you simply enter a prompt, and the app finds source material for you and generates an audio podcast. I find the process in BeFreed to be more streamlined than NotebookLM.

@Brad

I often search YouTube for something to listen to whilst making breakfast, when I'm out walking, commuting, etc, and BeFreed has provided an even more targeted approach, without the adverts and the fluff!

@BeFreed user

The absolute best part about this platform is its versatility. There is literally no subject that is off-topic. It handles whatever you throw at it... It is rare to find an learning tool with zero limitations that actually delivers on its promises.

@jayallen

BeFreed is fantastic. The user-friendly design means I spend less time navigating and more time learning. The mix of audiobooks, podcasts, and learning plans is a genius combo that has completely changed my daily routine.

@BeFreed user

At the start I needed a while to understand how to create podcasts in italian language and boom! It is so great! I can ask to explain every argument and it does so well and so smartly!

@matteo77

BeFreed has become my daily app for audio books tools... What I like the most is the way you put your text and come with an audio that you can listen on the go.

@kotanzu1

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