Chapter 4
The Art of Authentic Face-Saving: Beyond Empty Platitudes
Authentic face-saving requires genuine intention, not empty platitudes like a cashier's mechanical "Have a nice day." True face-saving demands positive intention and understanding others without judgment. As Brene Brown notes, authenticity is "a practice-a conscious choice of how we want to live" that involves showing up honestly and letting our true selves be seen.
Authentic face-saving involves preserving others' dignity while maintaining accountability; showing compassion through acceptance; genuinely caring about your impact on others; seeking outcomes where everyone wins; being firm but kind; using emotional intelligence; creating psychological safety where people feel heard and valued; practicing civility and respectful communication; being intentional with clear goals; following the Platinum Rule (treating others as they want to be treated); practicing "straight talk" at the right time and place; being inclusive to promote belonging; and promoting worthiness by making others feel appreciated.
The Carnegie Deli story illustrates this beautifully-a homeless man preserved his dignity by insisting on trading a coupon for half a sandwich rather than accepting charity without reciprocation. This demonstrates how deeply ingrained the need to maintain face is for all of us.
When working with Chinese engineers who received a 200-page English manual with no preparation time and understood only 20% of their training, I discovered why they didn't speak up: saving face. They were hesitant to admit their confusion out of embarrassment. Working together, we developed solutions: having the instructor speak more slowly, allowing group question time, providing documentation in advance with graphics, and incorporating hands-on experiences. This emotional intelligence approach recognizes that no one wants to publicly admit complete confusion, regardless of cultural background.
Honoring face also serves as a proactive, positive motivational strategy for knowledge workers who value recognition over money. Drawing from Daniel Pink's work on autonomy, mastery and purpose, effective face-honoring strategies include creative public recognition (like a California leader who gave personally selected beach rocks as meaningful tokens); flexible working hours; mentoring opportunities that signal an employee's value; adding challenges and visibility to engage skilled workers; and offering face time with senior leadership to show employees their contributions are recognized at the highest levels.
Chapter 5
When Face-Saving Goes Wrong: Finding the Productive Middle Ground
True saving face is not about being soft-it's actually a hard skill that requires emotional intelligence and cultural awareness. Many leaders mistakenly equate face-saving with avoiding conflict, using safe talk, tolerating poor performance, being afraid to say no, or covering up mistakes to avoid accountability. These approaches ultimately damage organizations and relationships rather than strengthen them.
Leadership requires owning mistakes with integrity while preserving dignity. There's a spectrum in addressing conflict-from complete avoidance to brutal honesty-but effective face-saving navigates the middle ground by addressing issues honestly while preserving dignity.
Consider Kim Scott's experience with Steve Jobs at Apple. Jobs valued debate like a "rock tumbler" that polishes both ideas and people through productive friction. He wasn't afraid of conflict but created an environment where team members felt valued for their input regardless of who was right. The process may be rough and challenging, but when everyone knows their contribution matters, the best ideas emerge.
This balanced approach creates psychological safety-an environment where people feel respected enough to step outside their comfort zones without fear of ridicule. Google's two-year study of 180+ teams revealed that success depends not on who is on a team but how members interact and feel. The most crucial dynamic was psychological safety-the belief that one won't be rejected or humiliated for expressing ideas or making well-intentioned mistakes.
Three steps to create this environment include: establishing turn-taking in conversations (ensuring everyone speaks equally), self-checking negative behavior (eliminating sarcasm and demeaning remarks), and maintaining high social sensitivity to nonverbal cues. Teams with psychological safety perform better both collectively and individually.
Beyond psychological safety, truly inclusive environments must eliminate insider/outsider dynamics. These subtle divisions occur when certain team members have access to information or decision-making that others don't-like Noah, who works in a different time zone and misses important decisions, or when informal networks form around activities like smoke breaks. Such dynamics create unintended bias in decision-making and promotion, and establish unequal standards where "insiders" operate by unwritten rules unknown to "outsiders." Leaders must actively dismantle these barriers by sharing information, including all parties in decisions, explaining unwritten rules, and amplifying unheard voices.
Chapter 6
The BUILD Framework: Architecting Strong Relationships
Developing business relationships requires an architectural approach rather than a reactive "Open House" mentality. Just as architects thoroughly interview clients to understand their needs before designing a home, business leaders must be intentional about building relationships. The BUILD model provides five crucial building blocks for forming strong, productive business relationships where saving face is the key foundation.
Benevolence in leadership creates lasting loyalty, as demonstrated by my father-in-law who ran a hotel where staff remained for 35 years despite his passing a decade ago. His genuine interest in employees' lives-helping with dental bills, covering accident costs, and showing personal care-created enduring relationships. However, benevolence must be balanced with accountability; it's not about ignoring mistakes but addressing issues compassionately. In many Asian cultures influenced by Confucianism's "Five Basic Relationships," authority figures have responsibility to care for subordinates.
Understanding requires viewing situations from multiple perspectives, much like the "Monkey-Cam" segment from David Letterman's show offered a fresh lens on ordinary objects. Leaders must develop four distinct viewpoints: the first-person perspective (your initial gut reaction), the second-person perspective (empathetically putting yourself in someone else's position), the meta position (staying engaged while setting aside personal biases), and the helicopter perspective (stepping back to see the entire situation holistically, like Tom Hanks's character in "Cast Away" climbing to the highest peak). Only by seeing the complete picture can leaders develop systemic approaches that consider how decisions impact the entire organizational web.
Effective interaction goes far beyond basic communication. Studies show that only 7% of communication comes from actual words-93% derives from body language, tone, rhythm, pace, and volume. Without these nonverbal cues, messages like "Well, that's just great" can be completely misinterpreted. Building rapport and trust creates stronger connections that help interpret messages within the context of someone's known personality and intentions. True interaction involves not just being interesting but showing genuine interest in others, creating an environment where face is protected and strengthened.
Learning is the fourth element of the BUILD model. Even Bill Gates, one of the world's wealthiest individuals who revolutionized computing, regrets not learning a second language. The most effective leaders preserve their youthful curiosity throughout adulthood. Learning involves four "P's": passion (motivation to learn something new), practice (putting in the necessary time to master skills), persistence (pushing beyond perceived limits), and pattern recognition (the ability to spot trends others don't see after mastering a skill).
Delivery is where the BUILD model comes together. You've shown benevolence and accountability, made efforts to understand team dynamics locally and globally, regularly interacted with team members to know their goals, and continuously learned about your job and company objectives. This comprehensive approach particularly benefits global leaders working cross-culturally by providing tools to overcome differences in language, culture, time zones, politics, and geography.
Chapter 7
Navigating Cultural Differences: Developing Your Human Antenna
Culture functions like an iceberg-what's visible (speech, mannerisms, body language) is merely the tip, while 90% remains submerged (motivations, traditions, history, beliefs). This hidden context often leads to misunderstandings in cross-cultural business. For example, Western executives might interpret averted eyes from Asian colleagues as dishonesty, when it actually signifies respect. Similarly, silence from Asian partners rarely indicates agreement-more likely they don't understand or disagree but wish to avoid causing anyone to lose face.
The "human antenna" represents cultural sensitivity and awareness in cross-cultural communication. Consider Molly misinterpreting Jake's "I'd like to think about it overnight" response to her warehouse proposal. As a high-context person, Molly saw this as rejection, while Jake, from a low-context culture, literally meant he wanted time to consider it. Technology is changing communication patterns across cultures-Western texting tends to be brief and functional, while in Taiwan people use LINE more socially, and in China, WeChat has replaced email with both short messages and detailed business communications. These technologies are gradually shifting younger generations in high-context cultures toward more direct communication.
The AAA model provides a framework for developing cultural agility through three steps: Aware, Acquire, and Adapt. The first step focuses inwardly on understanding your own cultural biases. The second step directs attention outward to learn about other cultures. The final "Adapt" step bridges differences by remaining open to options, seeing people as individuals, practicing silence, showing empathy, cultivating resilience, perceiving subtle messages, showing respect, avoiding us-versus-them thinking, and switching styles appropriately.
Communication styles differ dramatically across cultures, particularly regarding how to express disagreement. In Japanese culture, saying "no" directly is avoided to preserve social harmony, as it can be perceived as rejection. Instead, ambiguous statements like "it may be difficult" often mean "no." This indirectness extends to other Asian cultures like China and the Philippines, where phrases such as "it's not impossible" might mean "I would rather avoid it." The Japanese saying "Hear one, understand ten" captures how listeners must interpret nine implied points for every one expressed. Working cross-culturally requires patience, humility, and the ability to "listen with ten eyes" to navigate successfully while respecting face.
Chapter 8
Breaking Through Glass Ceilings: Women, Leadership, and Face
Women are making unprecedented strides as leaders in business and government, with figures like Christine Lagarde leading major global organizations. Despite this progress, challenges persist-women still earn only about 78% of what men do, and sexual harassment remains prevalent. "Face" plays a unique role for women in leadership positions, as demonstrated by Dr. Darlene Solomon, chief technology officer at Agilent, who successfully established positive relationships with male colleagues who had competed against her for her position by meeting individually with each executive, listening to their concerns, and showing respect for their knowledge.
In Asian culture, restoring lost face is considered difficult. Before face is lost, what's really at stake is one's perception of their own abilities-what some call pride or ego. Face involves how others' actions can diminish one's sense of integrity and ability. Patty McKay, a global executive with a South Korean corporation, demonstrates this perfectly. When tasked with implementing a leadership model called "COME" (Communicate, Organize, Motivate, Empower), she recognized its inappropriate sexual connotation in English. Rather than embarrassing her Korean male colleagues directly, she wrote the explanation on paper and suggested renaming it "E-COM," allowing everyone to save face while addressing the cultural misunderstanding.
Women are experiencing a transformative period, realizing their true power and potential in boardrooms worldwide. As women leaders, we must make ourselves more visible-don't wait to be picked or invited. Share your accomplishments, achievements, dreams, and goals. Frances Hesselbein, former CEO of the Girl Scouts of USA who at 103 remains active as president of her Leadership Institute, offers wisdom: though she never had a career plan, whenever a door opened with a new opportunity, she always looked into it, took a chance, and walked through. These opportunities arise only if people know you're looking for them, so make your intentions known to the world.
For women working in countries where female executives are rare or not respected, I recommend four key strategies: First, create a command presence with neutral, professional appearance and confident posture that says "listen to me," not "look at me." Second, understand and use hierarchy-ensure your proper title is used in introductions and on business cards. Third, avoid accidentally reinforcing gender stereotypes like bringing coffee or clearing dishes, which can undermine your authority. Finally, show up like an accomplished veteran-be confident, comfortable in your skin, and willing to share stories of both successes and failures.
Our internal dialogue can powerfully change how we live our lives-either holding us back or propelling us forward. To change your story, first identify what you're telling yourself. Develop a growth mindset, believing your talents can develop rather than remaining fixed. Think in the "now" instead of placing conditions on your success. Treat yourself with respect-don't say anything to yourself you wouldn't say to someone you care about.
Chapter 9
The Face of Feedback: Building Confidence Through Dignity
Leaders' most immediate responsibility in saving face comes through providing feedback. Done correctly, feedback inspires people to reach their highest potential; done poorly, it unravels relationships quickly. As an executive coach who delivers 360-degree feedback to senior executives, I've seen how vulnerable this process makes people feel. The most successful leaders understand that feedback, both positive and negative, can honor face and inspire professional development when provided thoughtfully.
Feedback can either build confidence or tear people down. My client Mark nearly lost his top Filipino salesperson Joseph when he gave what seemed like simple corrective feedback about checking with the service department before making promises to clients. Joseph interpreted this as a character attack and submitted his resignation, only staying after Mark clarified that he valued Joseph's work. This reaction illustrates how negative feedback triggers the brain's threat response, creating stronger, longer-lasting negative memories than positive ones. When we feel threatened, our prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and empathy) becomes less accessible, causing defensive reactions.
As a leader, you won't always know how your team will respond to feedback, but your ability to save face is crucial for retaining talent. Research consistently shows people leave jobs primarily because they don't feel appreciated-not because of compensation or growth opportunities. When saving face is employed authentically, it strengthens relationships and creates a culture of respect.
Carl, a highly successful leadership consultant, once made a serious error by sending confidential feedback to clients as an editable spreadsheet rather than a PDF, allowing executives to trace comments back to individuals and violating confidentiality agreements. Though his manager protected him from being fired, Carl felt his reputation was irreparably damaged. "My suspicion has always been that sooner or later, the managing director would have let me go. He'd protected me externally, but he no longer believed in me as a strong A-player." Carl eventually left the firm. This illustrates how organizations must help employees save face after mistakes to retain top talent.
Bill Bundy's experience with a large school district shows how negotiation can save face while reaching compromise. When proposing a digital curriculum solution, district stakeholders worried it would replace teachers. Rather than dismissing their concerns, Bill brought in a representative from a neighboring district who confirmed that similar implementations actually increased teacher hiring while improving graduation rates. This third-party validation allowed decision-makers to reconsider without losing face, creating a win-win solution for everyone involved.
When Lenovo purchased IBM's personal computer division in 2005, their first meeting revealed stark cultural differences-Lenovo executives wore formal suits while IBM representatives dressed in polo shirts and khakis. The next day, they switched: IBM wore suits while Lenovo dressed casually. This mutual accommodation sparked laughter and set the foundation for a successful partnership. This small gesture demonstrated mutual respect and willingness to adapt-essential elements for saving face in cross-cultural business.
Chapter 10
The Invisible Thread: Face in Every Interaction
At the heart of every real or perceived offense lies a loss of face or sense of disrespect. Whether it's being ignored by a waiter, receiving unequal pay for equal work, having your proposal dismissed, or having private information disclosed-it's all about face. The principle behind complaints like "it's not fair" or "it's the principle" ultimately comes down to face.
Face is equally powerful as a positive influence, as demonstrated when a website hosting representative proactively found a way to save me $300-honoring my face and earning my loyalty. Leaders must not only save face for others but examine how their own actions might cause others to lose face. When mistakes happen, owning up to them and making amends demonstrates true leadership.
The practical application of face-saving principles can be distilled into three key aspects: saving face, honoring face, and providing feedback. For saving face, leaders should be inclusive in communication, promote common goals, and use the BUILD model: practice Benevolence and Accountability, Understand the situation, Interact inclusively, Learn about issues and solutions, and Deliver solutions based on understanding.
Creating a safe environment for new ideas is essential, as is thinking of face as social currency-making continuous deposits to build trust that can cover occasional withdrawals. Honoring face means making others feel respected through authentic appreciation and creative recognition beyond financial rewards.
Self-reflection is crucial-accepting responsibility for mistakes, seeking win-win solutions, and encouraging feedback. While no guide can cover every situation, establishing goodwill creates a foundation that helps overcome any challenge.
Face permeates every interaction in our lives-an attribute "imperceptible to most, but unmistakably apparent to those who understand its reach." By recognizing the universal human need for dignity and respect, we can transform our relationships, our workplaces, and ultimately, our world.
