Polysecure by Jessica Fern Summary

Polysecure explores how attachment theory applies to consensually non-monogamous relationships, offering strategies to build emotional security across multiple partnerships. Jessica Fern combines psychological insights with practical guidance, addressing challenges like jealousy and communication while emphasizing self-awareness and trauma-informed approaches. The book introduces frameworks like the Nested Model to contextualize attachment beyond individual dynamics.

This book is ideal for polyamorous individuals, therapists, or anyone exploring non-monogamy who wants to deepen emotional resilience and secure attachments. It’s also valuable for monogamous readers interested in understanding relationship dynamics through an attachment lens. Fern’s accessible writing caters to both beginners and those well-versed in psychology or alternative relationship structures.

Yes—readers praise its actionable advice for fostering trust and security in relationships, calling it “validating, eye-opening, and healing.” Critics note the dense initial chapter on attachment theory, but the subsequent practical tools for communication, self-regulation, and boundary-setting make it a standout resource for non-monogamous and monogamous audiences alike.

Fern argues that secure attachment isn’t tied to monogamy but developed through behaviors like emotional responsiveness and consistency. She adapts concepts like “safe haven” (emotional support) and “secure base” (encouraging growth) for multi-partner dynamics, showing how these roles can be distributed across relationships. This approach helps individuals address insecurities without relying on exclusivity.

Fern’s Nested Model expands attachment theory beyond individual relationships to include broader societal and cultural influences. It examines how systemic factors like LGBTQ+ stigma or lack of polyamory-friendly policies impact relational security. This framework encourages readers to advocate for structural changes while cultivating personal emotional resilience.

Some find the early attachment theory primer overly academic or triggering for those with parental trauma. Others note ambiguity around terms like “commitment” in non-monogamous contexts. However, most agree the book’s practical exercises and inclusive perspective outweigh these issues.

While The Ethical Slut focuses on ethical non-monogamy practices, Polysecure delves deeper into the psychological foundations of secure relationships. Fern emphasizes emotional regulation and trauma healing rather than logistical aspects, making it complementary to traditional polyamory guides.

Fern advocates “attachment-informed jealousy work”: identifying unmet attachment needs (e.g., fear of abandonment), communicating them vulnerably, and co-creating safety plans with partners. Techniques include self-soothing exercises and reframing jealousy as a signal for deeper connection rather than a threat.

Yes—Fern’s frameworks apply to all consensual structures, emphasizing that security comes from behaviors, not labels. She acknowledges solo polyamorists might prioritize self-attachment, while RA practitioners may distribute attachment needs across communities rather than romantic partners.

The book links insecure attachment styles to developmental trauma and offers trauma-informed strategies like paced vulnerability and reparative relational experiences. Fern warns against using non-monogamy to avoid intimacy and provides tools to break cycles of retraumatization.

The companion workbook offers exercises to map attachment history, evaluate relationship structures, and apply HEARTS principles (Here, Expressed Delight, Attunement, Rituals, Turning Toward Conflict). It helps readers personalize Fern’s concepts through reflective prompts and actionable plans.

As diverse relationship structures gain visibility, Polysecure remains vital for navigating modern love’s complexities. Its focus on emotional agility over rigid norms aligns with growing demands for psychologically informed, flexible approaches to partnerships in a post-monogamy world.