Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass Summary

Not Just Friends examines how platonic friendships can escalate into emotional or physical affairs, even in committed relationships. Shirley P. Glass identifies vulnerabilities in partnerships, explores the trauma of betrayal, and provides actionable strategies for rebuilding trust and intimacy after infidelity. The book emphasizes boundary-setting and transparent communication to prevent future breaches.

This book is essential for couples navigating post-affair recovery, individuals seeking to safeguard their relationships, or therapists advising clients on trust restoration. It’s also valuable for anyone interested in understanding the psychological roots of emotional infidelity and preventive measures.

Yes, it’s highly recommended for its evidence-based approach to healing after betrayal. Readers praise its compassionate tone, practical exercises (like the Fishbowl Technique), and realistic guidance for reconciliation. Many credit it with saving marriages by addressing both emotional and practical aspects of recovery.

Emotional affairs involve secrecy, deep emotional intimacy, and shared thoughts typically reserved for a partner. Glass warns these relationships often start innocently but erode marital trust and may escalate to physical infidelity. Key indicators include prioritizing the friend over the spouse and hiding interactions.

The myth assumes love alone prevents infidelity. Glass argues partners must actively maintain boundaries, avoid risky situations (e.g., private meetings with attractive colleagues), and openly discuss vulnerabilities. Proactive measures, not just trust, are critical for safeguarding relationships.

• Fishbowl Technique: Allows betrayed partners to ask affair-related questions in a structured, non-confrontational setting.
• Marital Lifeline Exercise: Maps relationship highs/lows to identify instability points.
• Compassionate Communication: Uses “I” statements and active listening to foster empathy during conflicts.

• “When a friend knows more about your marriage than a spouse knows about your friendship, you’ve reversed healthy walls and windows.” – Highlights boundary erosion.
• “Affairs between married and single people have an imbalance of power.” – Underscores the emotional toll on unmarried participants.

Glass advises couples to jointly envision future milestones (e.g., raising children, retirement) while honoring shared positive memories. She stresses consistency in transparency and patience, as trust rebuilds incrementally through repeated reliable actions.

Some readers note the book lacks faith-based perspectives for those seeking spiritual reconciliation. Others caution its intensive exercises may overwhelm couples in early crisis stages. However, most praise its balance of research and practicality.

Glass argues emotional affairs often cause deeper relational damage due to their secrecy and emotional substitution. While physical affairs may be situational, emotional infidelity involves redirecting intimacy needs to a third party, destabilizing the primary bond.

With rising workplace and digital interactions, the book’s emphasis on boundary-setting resonates in an era where platonic connections can easily cross lines. Its strategies help couples navigate co-ed friendships, social media, and remote work challenges.

• Walls and Windows Metaphor: Healthy relationships have "windows" (openness) with partners and "walls" (privacy) against outsiders. Affairs invert this dynamic.
• Three Stages of Affair Recovery:
  1. Crisis management post-discovery.
  2. Insight into contributing factors.
  3. Vision-building for a renewed partnership.