Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder Summary

Love Worth Making explores how to sustain passionate intimacy in long-term relationships by addressing psychological barriers to arousal. Dr. Snyder combines 30 years of clinical experience with actionable strategies, emphasizing self-acceptance, emotional vulnerability, and understanding the "remote causes" of sexual disconnection. The book reframes sex as a shared emotional journey rather than a performance.

Couples experiencing dwindling desire, newly committed partners seeking to preserve intimacy, and individuals curious about the emotional roots of sexuality will find this book transformative. It’s also valuable for therapists looking for client-friendly frameworks to address erotic disruption in relationships.

Key concepts include:

• Differentiation: Maintaining self-identity while staying emotionally connected.
• Erotic Disruption: Identifying hidden emotional traumas ("remote causes") affecting intimacy.
• Self-Acceptance: Cultivating patience and kindness toward one’s sexual identity.
• Non-Judgmental Attention: Focusing on the present moment during intimacy without pressure.

Snyder argues that openness to emotional risk—like expressing fears or past traumas—is essential for reigniting desire. Case studies show partners rebuilding trust by confronting insecurities together, such as a woman reclaiming her sexuality after abuse by gradually embracing self-worth.

Differentiation refers to maintaining individuality while staying emotionally attuned to a partner. Snyder illustrates this through a couple where one partner’s ability to self-soothe during conflict (without seeking validation) created space for mutual desire to flourish.

The book advises couples to treat conflicts as shared puzzles rather than failures. For example, a partner’s lack of arousal might stem from unresolved childhood dynamics. Solutions involve curiosity, non-judgmental communication, and collaborative problem-solving.

Snyder parallels self-acceptance to parenting: just as children thrive with unconditional support, the "sexual self" flourishes when met with patience. A case study highlights a woman overcoming performance anxiety by embracing her body’s natural responses, leading to authentic connection.

Unlike prescriptive guides, Snyder focuses on psychological depth over technical advice. It complements Esther Perel’s work on erotic intelligence but adds clinical tools for addressing specific emotional blockages in long-term partnerships.

Some readers might find Snyder’s focus on deep emotional work challenging without immediate solutions. The book assumes mutual commitment from both partners, which may not address relationships where one person is disengaged.

Yes. Snyder provides strategies for reclaiming sexuality after trauma, such as a survivor rebuilding trust through incremental steps like mindful touch and reframing past experiences as part of—not defining—her current relationship.

“Good sex requires offering patience, kindness, and acceptance to your sexual self.” This mantra underscores Snyder’s thesis that intimacy thrives when partners approach each other without judgment.

As modern relationships face distractions from technology and shifting social norms, Snyder’s emphasis on intentional emotional connection offers a timeless blueprint for sustaining desire in committed partnerships.